Weight Update

230.3lbs.

Actually the first time I stood on the scale it was 230.2 and then when I did it again (cause I didn't believe it) it was 230.4 so I've taken the average.

The funny thing is that this is exactly what my Dr. weighed me as yesterday, fully clothed. It's happened before. She comes in about 1.5lbs lighter than what I recorded and then the next day I see that on my scale. Go figure.

Let's see if I shave my legs, cut my toe nails and exfoliate before I weigh tomorrow I wonder whether I can drop that .3lb. Only kidding... but I am looking forward to it. I happen to like round numbers I guess and 120lbs down sounds... well... fantastic!

Thank you P

P made a comment yesterday that had me thinking all night... why am I complaining when I've lost so much weight in a short period of time? It's a good question and while I'm not sure I have a cohesive answer I sure have lots of random thoughts about this one.

Firstly, for the record, I am very grateful about how far I've come. I feel better. I look better. Yesterday I went down water slides. More importantly I was able to do this without the legs seizing up from carrying 300+ lbs up the stairs. I have come a long way.

But my journey is far from over. And in typical industrialized world fashion my focus is rarely on where I've been, it's on where I am going. We are, as a country, as a generation, very goal oriented. We strive for our goals in an almost obsessive way and we rarely stop to look back at how far we have come. We are not good at celebrating success. We are good at lamenting our short comings. We are good at trying to 'make it happen'.

Random thought number 2. I'm not sure I'm complaining as much as I am sharing my fear. I have a lifetime of dieting history that goes back to my high school days. Earlier if you count the exercising I started in elementary school. A lifetime of doing well. Of stalling. Of faltering. Of failing. There were moments of great success and then many moments of slow but deliberate failures. The failures were generally ignored until one day you reach that moment of 'bottom' that would result in standing on a scale with renewed resolve to diet. So while I have lost a truly significant amount of weight, this is not a new phenomena. What I have not done before is had it stick and what I have not done before is reached my goal weight. Ever. So when I see my weight loss slowing (and don't forget the rearranged anatomy has to be good for at least a couple of pounds above normal weight loss rates) I get scared. It is hard to push aside a lifetime of experience, a lifetime of emotions, a lifetime of fear.

I have 72 lbs to lose before I am safely in the 'normal' range. That's not a small amount of weight. Some reading this would be starting their journey with less amounts to lose. When I see the slow down I am afraid that the 72lbs will never go away. Is this a rational approach? Probably not but I never professed that I was going to be entirely rational in this blog. This approach is merely the result of my past. It is what it is and through writing, through learning from others journeys, and through the feedback/ support I am getting I am working through it.

I am still learning. One of the things that I have learned, and it's something I am very grateful for, is that I am not alone. There is an amazing online community of people who have had this surgery, who have had other surgeries, who are struggling with their own weight demons. They record their journeys and through them I learn that I am not alone. The reason I openly share my frustrations and fears is let others know that they are not alone either. There is amazing power in knowing that someone else knows how you feel. That connecting moment when you think... I know exactly how she feels. I've been there. I am there.

So thank you P. You gave me much to think about and that's not a bad thing.

Month 8 Photo Comparison

The photos are as follows:

Presurgery Front and Side - 350lbs
Month 2 - 60lbs
Month 4 - 85lbs
Month 6 - 104lbs
Month 8 - front and sides - down 118lbs

Weight today: 231.8lbs
Loss for the month: 5lbs
Total Loss: 118.2lbs

This is the first ever, and may be last, photo of me in a sleeveless shirt. I did it for a number of reasons. I have never felt comfortable in sleeveless. My arms are horrible and with the weight loss looking worse than they ever have. However I need to start accepting what I look like. So today this is what I am wearing. After my Dr's appointment we're off to Canada's Wonderland for a day at the water park. I should fit right in.

One sleep away

from my 8 month surgery date. It's hard to believe that 8 months have come and gone so quickly.

For the first time since my surgery however I am not looking forward to recording my official monthly weight. I have my regular Dr's appointment scheduled for first thing in the morning and I had seriously considered canceling it. Just doesn't seem worth the effort. But this is me heading towards the abyss of denial again. This is me feeling myself gravitating towards old behaviours that have caused me to fail so many diets. The all or nothing mentality. When things weren't working I would hide away. Didn't stand on the scale. Reverted to old behaviours. Ate myself up to higher and higher weights.

So... I will go to my Dr's appointment. I will take the 8 month photos. I will announce to the world that they are there for viewing. I will face my disappointment and move on. And it is disappointing. And frustrating. But I made a commitment to record the entire journey not just the good news. I am sure that I am not the first person to experience a major slow down. It happens. It's a buyer be prepared situation. If you are considering surgery this will happen to you too. Work on your head. It'll help lessen the disappointment. But what do I know? I obviously haven't succeeded on this front yet.

"See you" in the morning.

One size does NOT fit all

You may recall that yesterday I was going to dye my hair. Well I did. It was long overdue. I decided to get a colour that was slightly darker than my existing one just for a change. I should have known that all did not go as planned when I returned to the bathroom to see that the dye had turned black. It always darkens to a deep purple. Black was new.

So I rinsed, conditioned and promptly wrapped my head in a towel. I was not ready to look right away. When I finally worked up the courage to look I was very surprised at what was looking back at me. I had dark hair. I am naturally an ashy blonde grey. I now have an ashy brunette do. It's different. Every time I walk past a mirror I do a double take.

This is not what I signed up for. Guess you can't always go by those hair swatches in the pharmacy. Guess they don't interact with everyones hair in the same way. Guess I'm going for a new look!

I'll take photo's on Monday...my 8 month surgeriversary.

Sometimes I just shake my head at myself. Sheesh.

One door closes

and another opens.

A few days ago I came across a job ad that caught my eye. Get this. The company is in the same building as where I worked for the big C. My previous boss at C is an executive at that firm. We talked this morning, she has already endorsed my application with the powers that be... they are simply waiting for me to submit my resume to them.

No promises of course but it sounds interesting.

Wish me luck!

Missing You

One of the greatest laments as a working professional is that there is so little time to really think. The days are often filled with reactionary firefighting... a reality of working in a service environment.

As an unemployed professional I have the luxury of time in a way that I have never had before. I can think all I like. And I do. But now that I have it what I really want is the crazy tumultuous environment that I left behind. Not so much for the craziness but for the people that would cross my path during any given day.

I really miss the contact. I miss the people that I worked with for the last 10 years. And whilst there has been sporadic contact it's a little like when a couple divorce. The easiness is gone. Those that are left behind feel uneasy about the loss that you have suffered, and you in turn no longer know where you really fit it. It's odd.

But I do miss the connections. The adult (not always adult like) conversations. The theoretical "how I would run this company" discussions that would inevitably ensue after an other bonehead decision had come to light. I miss it. I miss them. Them... my team, my peers with whom I worked very closely, my boss who believed in me even though my work style was so different from her. What kept me at the company I was with for so long was the people I had the privilege to work with. I miss them all.

Weight Update

231lbs.

I'm starting to think that I'll have to cut off a few body parts to get below 230lbs! I know it'll happen but yesterday would have been good. It's funny, in all other parts of my life I am extremely patient. I am the calm one in traffic (I do 98% of the driving because hubby has no patience). I am the calm one in the face of idiotic children (I vent here not in real life in front of them...usually). But where it comes to my weight I have no patience. Well maybe that's not true... I'm good as long as I'm seeing progress that makes sense. What I struggle with is when the progress doesn't make sense. There is so much that is beyond our control and that is more difficult to take... on a day to day basis it can be a real crap shoot.

Oh well... time to get onto important things today. Grey hair to dye (thanks for the genes Mum!), jobs to apply for, Harry Potter to read. Life is tough ;)

Drink Up!

I've had a couple of my DS buddies ask about fluids... what am I drinking? I figure that a post about worked for me may help other post op DSers as they seek to get in enough liquids.

Let me start by saying that it's hard to get in 64 oz's in the first month. I was thrilled to bits if I reached 32 ozs. This doesn't mean you shouldn't aim for more but don't let it get you down if you don't quite make it. Just keep trying. And don't forget that popsicles etc count.

Immediately post op I could not handle the taste of water. Tap water. Bottled water. Ice cold water. It all tasted like crap. Despite my surgeons lecture about artificial sweeteners (he does not approve of them) Crystal Light became my best friend. I would dilute it to half it's recommended strength to take the edge off the sweetness but I drank it all the time. I swear my insides were permanently red from my favourite, Raspberry Ice, flavour. Since about 6 months out I had a better tolerance for sweet so now I make 2 litres out of one pack instead of the recommended 1.5 litres.

I progressed onto ice teas. Anything diet works for me. My favourite is Lipton green tea with citrus (diet of course). Green tea, unsweetened has been a staple since surgery. It tastes great, is warming and good for you. Can't go wrong with that. Other swear by mint tea, especially to break a stall.

I drink about a cup of milk in my protein shake and now that I have started the Starbucks Sugar Free Caramel Macchiato Breve phase of my life, I get another cup or two of ice and half/half milk.

I usually manage 64 oz's - I shoot for 96. I rarely reach that. Ok never would be closer.

When I go out to dinner I drink plain water. Slowly I'm finding it more palatable but only in small doses. I'll build up and cut out some of the ice teas but I'm not ready to do that yet.

So that's about it. The key in the beginning, I believe in my non expert opinion, is to find whatever works for you. The main part is get in the fluids. Sugar free of course since we absorb simple sugars without any issues. If you've gone off sweet stuff, dilute. If you've gone off hot, try cold. If cold doesn't work try room temperature. It is experimental. Stick with it!

Weight Update

231.4lbs

Yawn... not terribly exciting but I'm ok with it. I would love to see me dip below 230 before the month is out. Even at this level it would have been a slow month but at least I could get rid of 3 as the second number! I'm tired of that one... and 22 something sounds so much closer to 200 which in turn is close to 19something. ie I would really like to have a 1 as the first number in my weight. I haven't been there in 10 years. You know what's kind of amazing? That that number seems totally feasible. What a difference eight months makes!

Job Hunting

As I was searching the online ads I came across an ad for the position that I'm waiting to hear about. Dated July 20th. Guess I didn't get that job... nice way to find out huh? At this level I would expect the courtesy of a call at least from the recruiter. There is serious dollars involved... it's worth her effort to keep me as a client.

I am disappointed but not overly surprised. The ideal candidate needs to have two skill sets that you would rarely see together so I have no issues with the company casting their net a bit wider. It only makes sense for them. They need to feel comfortable that they are investing in the right person.

Yesterday I spent hours researching - just to see what is out there. At my level there is not much. I expected that. I'm going to have to do this through the much more laborious steps of networking. It's one of those things that I don't do well. I think its the Aussie in me - I have a healthy skepticism towards politicking... I have a real issue with the "what's in it for me" type of business relationship. I'm pretty naive and gullible that way.

There were a few positions with a local college that piqued my interest. Academia has always held a certain allure but I was never sure as to how best sell myself to make the transition from corporate to education. There is an assistant Dean position for the business school that looks really interesting. My qualifications? Bachelor of Business (majors in marketing and finance). MBA. Experience in both mining and finance industries. International experience. Managed diverse teams. But... no academic experience beyond being a student. So for all my university/college employed readers out there... any ideas? What should I focus on? Any contacts that would be able to guide me in my quest?

Anyway, time to get moving on todays work. I need to make this happen. Time has crept. Hubby is getting nervous. I am bored at home.

Update: I spoke with the recruiter and she confirmed that they are not moving forward with me as a candidate. I feel strangely sad.

Weight Update

231lbs.

I would love to make the direct correlation between increased food and water intake and a drop in pounds but I can't. My period started last night. Unexpectedly. The hormonal thing may have been a major influence.

Regardless of what may have caused it, the weight is heading in the right direction. I will continue with the protein fest today. My body needs the nutrients.

Feeding Frenzy

I felt like I was eating all day today but I was determined to up my protein. What was on the menu?

Protein Shake (28g of protein)
8 mini smokie sausages (14g)
1/2 cup mixed nuts (10g)
1/4 bbq chicken leg/thigh (30g)
few fries (no nutritional value...lol)
chicken breast (40g)
Starbucks Venti Sugar Free Caramel Macchiato Breve (16g)
3 chocolate chip cookies

That's a whopping 138g of protein...wow! I think I've managed to get about 2 litres of fluid in as well so I am doing really well today. Even allowing for incorrect estimation of the size of the chicken breast this is a major improvement on past weeks. Amazing what you can do when you make a deliberate effort to do so.

Weight this morning: 233lbs.

If I close my eyes will I hear the ocean

Growing up in Australia is an experience I will be forever grateful for. My parents had the courage to leave their homeland, young family in tow, in the hopes of a better life for all.

As far back as I can remember 'the beach' was an important part of our lives. Even though we lived in the western suburbs of Sydney on a hot summers day we would make the hour long trek to the beach. Deewhy beach was one of most frequent haunts but there were many. I clearly remember one very hot heat wave year where we spent ever second day by the ocean. It was the lifestyle that kids dreams are made of.

Those early days definitely had an impact. As I grew up the beach remained an important part of my "getting away" strategy. It has always signified peace, relaxation, calm. When I moved to Perth, Western Australia, upon graduating from the University of Adelaide I lived about a 10 minute walk away from one of it's most popular beaches. White sands. Great waves. Lots of pubs. You can see the attraction. But when I really needed to get away I would hop into my car and drive about 100km north to a little beach that I discovered. I can't even recall the name of the beach right now but many a time I would be the only one there for hours on end. It was a place that was known for it's windsurfing. Surfers would come from all over the world to surf in the guaranteed winds and waves.

If I close my eyes I can feel the warm of the sun on skin and hear the regular thump of the waves crashing into the sand. I can taste the salt on my lips. I can feel the tension slowly leave my shoulders. I am transported back to a carefree moment in time.

I miss the ocean. I love living in Ontario but I miss the ocean. Maybe I just miss the ability to find a place that can totally erase the worries, even if only for a short period of time.

Eating to Fuel the Body

Eating has always been a pleasure for me. Even today I luxuriate in certain tastes. A rich creamy brie, a sweet golden plum, slightly salty peanut butter. Eating and tastes carry lots of pleasant associations. Relaxing with friends, sitting by the ocean watching the waves come in, observing the people around me, wondering about their lives.

Eating has rarely been about ensuring that my body had the nutrition that it needed to function. I mean, come on, you don't become a 350lb heavy weight by thinking about what's going into your body. Except for when you're fixating on the latest diet of course...but I digress. The point that I am trying to lead up to in my long winded way is that I struggle with the notion of eating to fuel my body.

This realization has become blatantly apparent this week when I simply have not wanted to eat. I am not really hungry. Nothing, no one taste sensation, appeals. In some cases I simply could not be bothered. And so I haven't eaten as regularly as I normally do. I haven't come close to eating enough protein. I haven't taken in enough fluids. I'm sure this has something to do with my weight fluctuating upwards. But it's so hard to get past the old dieting mentality of 'eating less is more'. It wasn't a conscious thing until I heard myself say "crap, with the little food I've been eating you'd think I'd be dropping the pounds". This being said of course as I stood staring at the 234 something lb weight on the scale.

Trust me, I am not purposely not eating in the hope of pushing the scale down. It's not my style. Never has been. I simply have not wanted to eat a lot and I guess that there was a latent expectation that the side benefit would be a drop in weight. The reality is I'm starving my body and my body is doing what bodies do best in these situations, it is hanging on for dear life to ensure that my vital organs can continue to function in a time of dire need. Talk about an aha moment.

I need to learn to eat on a regular basis no matter whether I feel like it or not. I know how to eat when I'm hungry, I need to learn how to eat when I am not. I need to ensure that my body has the nutrients it needs to function - not to do so would mean failing my DS, not to mention the myriad of health problems that will ensue should I continue along this path.

Protein water protein water... needs to be my mantra for a while until it becomes habit.

Blech!

Kinda describes how I feel right now. I'm having one of those melancholy days where nothing feels quite right.

I've heard nothing back from my interview. Given that they were hoping to have all this wrapped up by the end of July I can either take it as me not making the cut or that the time line is slipping. Either way I know nothing at this stage which is kind of depressing in it's own right.

My mum. Mum's latest test has shown that her cancer counts have bounced back up. Last month on the CT scan the doctor saw something a little different but couldn't quite make out what it was. There is a good chance that these two things are related and what that means is that things are changing. Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 22 months ago so she's done really well to have made it this far with a good quality of life and no pain. She's responded very well to the ongoing chemotherapy. But I think that has lured us all into a false sense of security. The reality is that she will die from this disease. It's a matter of when.

I would very much like to go see my mother again. My plan was to line up a job and then take the opportunity to use some of the remaining severance package to go and see her. Job aside, I would have liked to take Ms 8. She has a special attachment to my parents. More importantly I can not bring myself to leave her behind for three or four weeks. With the way that the three siblings are getting along it would mean a miserable time for all. Hubby would be stretched looking after them simply because work is really demanding. End result. Grumpy Dad. Miserable kids. Miserable me. Knowing that this was all going on I would simply not be able to enjoy my time in Australia.

Hubby will not hear of me taking Ms 8 and not taking the boys. In fact he feels the boys should go before her because they have not had the opportunity. I do not want to take them. This is not a "see Australia" trip. Ms 8 can be entertained by going for walks with Opa, swimming in the pool with the oldies, playing in a playground. The boys cannot. They would be bored out of their minds. Paying $5000 for them to be bored and consequently miserable doesn't seem to be a great use of money.

Hubby rightfully doesn't want the boys to feel that Ms 8 was getting all the opportunities. I agree with him. What I don't agree with is that them going makes sense. I also cannot bring myself to leave Ms 8 with them for any period of time. Which means that I will not go. Job or no job. I have to find a way to accept that I will not see my mother again. I had accepted that 21 months ago when we said our good byes. Today I am struggling with it. I am torn between my love for my child and my mother. In my head I know my child needs me more and my family will be better off financially. In my heart I hurt.

The kids are getting on my nerves. My hat goes off to stay at home Mom's... I don't know how you do it and preserve your sanity. Ms 8 needs a swift attitude realignment. She is becoming a little too lippy for my liking. She sounds exactly like her brothers and I can tell you now that I do not need to be dealing with 3 teenage like attitudes. She and I will be having a chat this weekend. She knows it's on the way. I think she was happy to go to camp today.

The boys are incredibly self centred. I know it's normal but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I guess I'm just tired. Nothing happens unless I do it or force it to be done. Nothing is voluntary. There are no thank you's. There are no moments of feeling like putting yourself out is worthwhile. I'm feeling frustrated and resentful. I don't want to feel like this.

And then finally there is the weight. This morning it was 235.8. This means I've lost 1lb in 20 days. This does nothing to help me feel better about life in general. In fact it just plain sucks. There's no way to put a positive spin on this one.

So I'm feeling blah and now you all know it...lol. Something about misery enjoying company I'm sure.

Sigh...maybe I just need a good old fashioned cry and get it out of my system. Problem is I don't do that well for myself. I should see if there is a sob story playing on TV...maybe that will help.

Time to move on...life beckons...ie children demanding to be fed. Nothing we have appeals...blah blah blah

Today

was a good day.

I kept Ms 8 home from camp so that we could spend some time together. This morning we spent a few hours scrapbooking. This is a new hobby for her. She will be scrapbooking her summer vacation. I think she's hooked. It was so much fun watching her create something that will house her memories.

This afternoon Laural and her daughter came over for a visit and a swim. The girls got along famously (yay) and it was wonderful to be able to just sit and chat. One of the things that I miss most about working is the adult interaction. Bonus when the person you're interacting with is simply a good person who happens to be very easy to get along with. Laural looks amazing... she has lost 56lbs since her surgery a month ago. Wow... and I thought I lost fast that first month. I'm thrilled for her not only because of the amount but because she is on the threshold of an amazing journey and if hers is anything like mine it's going to be an experience that will change her. Fill her with confidence. Lead her to new paths and opportunities. I always get a thrill knowing that something good is unfolding for a good person.

This evening a quick meal at Pizza hut and an hour spent unwinding at Indigo... it doesn't get much better than that for a mid week break.

Tomorrow: operation organize the office. It's is nothing short of scary in here. But I have to do it. I have to reclaim this space so I can work in here.

Weight update 234.8lbs.

Still up from last week but moving down. I am the master of losing the same pounds several times over. The good news though is that I had kept one blue blazer from my previous work life. Size 16. It fit. Amazingly well. Large outdoor jacket. Fit tightly. Wedding dress. Too big. Sweater set I wore the night I met hubby. Fit. I am 40lbs heavier now than I was then but the clothes are fitting better. I am losing differently. What I am not losing as quickly is cleavage...odd but hubby is pleased ;)

Here we go again

Weight: 235.8lb. I hate these bounces. They test me on every level.

I was going to post

a miserable but short post about bouncing up a couple of pounds. 233.6 this morning. Argh!

But I can't be miserable when someone who I so very much admire passed the 200lbs lost today! I am so happy for her that I just can't be miserable for myself. Tia, I am totally in awe of your dedication and success. Everyone who is thinking about weight loss surgery should be reading your blog... the link to "getting switched" is in my links column on the right.

Congratulations Tia - you are one heck of an inspiration!

Just when you think you have it worked out...

I thought I had this Duodenal Switch thing all worked out. I had achieved a manageable balance in terms of the foods I could eat and couldn't eat. Flagyl has been my saviour... it has allowed me to eat fairly normally. I always eat protein first but can eat some carbs without any issues.

Until a few days ago that is. I don't know what's going on but foods that I've had no problems with are starting to become an issue. Tortilla's. Run. Do not pass go... unzipping is optional! Baked potato. Foamie session big time. Had to pull off the road. Gas. It's back. This is not good... it was all under control!

So it would seem that the body continues to change. For me it's back to basics. Protein. Then I will slowly add back some food types so I can better understand what's causing the problems. Arrggghhh... I really thought I had it worked out.

Weight today: 231.8lbs

Weight Update

Today: 232.8lbs

Just recording it for recording sake. That makes 2lbs since last Friday. I'll take an average of 8 lbs per month (although I would like more of course). If I lose 8lbs per month it will take me another 9 months to reach goal. I'd be happy to do it in 12 months. Remind me of this when I whine next!

The Interview

This morning I met with the hiring manager and one of his directs, who would become my peer.

I was in there for just over an hour and a half and by the end we have quite a good discussion going. This is a company that recognizes it's gaps and I would have pretty much an open slate in terms of how we deal with them. How cool is that. The chance to put in place new things, to create, to play. I may be a little keen on this position.

He is seeing a couple more people apparently but hopes to have this all wrapped up by the end of July.

So now we wait. I am very excited... I hope he sees my potential and value added proposition.

Let's talk poop

Just because no blog is complete without it right? Or maybe it's because it's part of my DS experience? Regardless it needs to be addressed. Firstly because I've had a number of newbie questions around bathroom issues fired my way, and secondly because this morning I the poop process let me down.

Let me explain.

Since having surgery I can usually plan out my day. Get up. Immediately poop. Return to washroom in the next 2 - 15 minutes. Poop. Repeat and rinse. Usually 3 - 4 times in total. Then I'm good to go. I can count on 1 or 2 more bathroom visits during the day.

This routine is significant in that if I have to be anywhere early I know I need to get up earlier to allow my body to do it's thing. If I don't need to be anywhere my body will still get me up because it needs to do it's thing. Well today I did need to have to be somewhere and wouldn't you know it...no poop. Nothing. Talk about stress! My fear, that I would be stuck in traffic and need to go. When I need to go, I need to go. NOW. Get the picture?

Sure enough. Get Ms 8 to camp, I need to go. Hello McDonalds. Sit in traffic, I need to go. Made it to the building where I was meeting my coach but had to go. Now. Lots. Yuk. Coach enters bathroom. Argh. You get the picture.

I don't mind using public bathrooms but the morning deloading thing is best kept in the privacy of your own home.

For those considering the DS - take what you read about bathroom issues with a grain of salt. The truth is that the bowel reaction is as diverse as the population undergoing this amazing surgery. Some people have real problems with constipation, some people have fairly regular routines and others have problems with diarrhea. There is no one possibility. The way you react to the DS will be totally personal.

I am regular, with some urgency. That is just me. It should be noted that I tended to be this way before surgery as well. Constipation has never been an issue. Even though I take iron supplements which can be very 'binding' I still lean the other way.

Is it manageable? For the most part yes. Like today. Even though my body let me down it still turned out ok.

Don't let your fear of 'potential' issues stop you from taking the next steps. Be aware of then and *if* it happens to you then you deal with it. No point getting your knickers in a knot over something that may not impact you at all.

End of poop discussion for a while.

Holy Carb Creep Batman!

Let me start by saying that I know I wasn't being perfect. I was making choices to 'share' some evil pleasure giving food and beverage choices because that is what the DS is all about for me. Making choices. Making choices to enjoy what I enjoy but in moderation. Protein first, all others after.

So yesterday I made some choices thinking I was doing ok. Share a chocolate chiller with Ms 8. Share a frappuccino and expresso brownie with hubby. I was doing a lot of sharing. And while in my pre surgery life I would have happily consumed the whole what I did not realize was the content of what I was consuming.

I started to log my food intake on Fitday.com yesterday just to see what I was really consuming. I needed to know whether I'm making my protein quotient. Yesterday I did. However the three items mentioned also added over 60 carbs, mostly in the way of sugar. Ouch. Ouch because simple carbs are the one thing that DSers absorb without any issues. Ouch because this could explain why my weight loss has been slow. The little indiscretions here and there may have been seriously sabotaging my efforts (I know yesterday was a major indiscretion... usually it's a lot less). So I am going to do a little experiment. One week with no frappuccinos. These are my greatest vice. It's a little bit of heaven poured into a cup. It represents stress release and that one is hard to let go of.

I am also going to try and track more diligently into Fitday. I am not good at this administrative stuff. This blog is the most regular I've been in ever sticking with an ongoing project. The blog is not a chore because it offers me such a great outlet. Tracking food consumption is a chore and reminds me way too much of a lifetime of dieting hell. However in the spirit of learning what works for me I will make the effort.

Weight Update: 233lbs

Summer Legs

In Canada summer is short but intense. I grew up in a 'hot' country but nothing is quite as hot as Toronto in the summer time. There are days I simply don't want to venture outside.

Canadians have a passion for summer - it is a time for BBQ's, lazy days at the cottage, roadworks and for us fat people, it's a time for raw red thighs that scream in pain every time the humidex starts to climb above ...hmmm...0!

Summer was always a time for heat rashes. A time for walking like a penguin as you tried to minimize the rubbing. You either walked with your thighs squeezed together in the hope you could simply keep the fat pressed together tight enough so that it didn't move or you walked as if you had a water melon between your legs hoping, against all hope, you could create some air space down there to cool and dry the swollen bumpy skin.

Baby powder was my best friend. I even carried a travel size container in my purse for mid day relief.

This year it's a non issue. My legs are slimming down in a way that I have never seen before. Not during any of my previous, many, weight loss efforts do I recall my legs reshaping the way they are this time around. If you can get past the wrinkly elephant skin you can actually seem some definition that doesn't involve mountainous rolls. It's kind of weird. If I stand the right way I actually have a gap at the top of my legs. Holy crap...there's daylight visible through there!

I am not yet at the point where I would wear shorts (you have to remember that I am still 73/74 pounds from my goal weight) but I am totally appreciating the benefits that my weight-loss-to-date is bringing me. The pain was excruciating. I am very happy to be 'rub free'.

Weight update: 233.6

Happy Moment - I have an interview!

I am trying so hard not to get too excited. I have an interview with the company that I applied for about a month ago.

I am in no way desperate for a job - my severance package gives me a decent amount of time to secure employment - but I have to admit, when I started researching this company my interest was piqued. This company is big on ethics and integrity, both of which are high on my list of must haves.

My interview is Friday morning at 8.30am. I figured I would take the first time slot and set myself as the comparative baseline. I'm ok with that - this company is making a significant investment in this position, I want them to be able to question me against all others and then decide that I am the best candidate for the job. I need for them to be confident in their decision if I am successful.

Did a little happy dance in the car... was sharing my excitement with Ms 8 until I noticed she was fast asleep...birthdays are so draining!

8 years

Eight years ago I was 15 hours into a labour that was to bring my little girl into my arms for the first time. The labour was not my most pleasant experience - a body that did not want to dilate, an epidural that took only on one side of the body, a nurse who had to get a larger needle to do the spinal tap required to perform the c-section. But 22 hours after the induction started that was all forgotten as I got my first glimpse of the little person who very quickly became the love of my life.

I had no idea I could love another human being the way that I grew to love Ms nearly 8. She has made it very easy. She is a kind hearted, smart, funny little girl who knows what she wants and is prepared to work for it. She has an uncanny knack for logic - she can, with only a few facts, pull together a scenario better than most detectives portrayed in popular television. She loves to learn. During the year she would create research projects to do and then bring them into school.

But what I love most about her is her genuine appreciation for the things that life brings her. Today she got such joy out of two balloons. She spent a good half hour clowning around with these balloons - she cracked herself up. That good old belly laugh sense of 'funny' that seems to come so easily to the young, and young at heart. She has not yet lost her ability to say 'thank you' for when we do something special. She 'knows' what she experiences is not to be taken for granted. It makes us want to give her more. She makes it pleasurable for us.

I am very proud of my little girl, and I am forever grateful that I was given the opportunity to be her Mom.

Weekend Madness

Tomorrow we are throwing a Webkinz Pool Party for Ms soon-to-be-8. We have games (Wheel of Wow, a gem hunt and pin the tail on cheeky monkey), we have the pool and Bonsai Falls, we have food and of course, we have sixteen 7 and 8 year olds coming over for the fun. Yes I am insane. But I love it! I get such a kick out of throwing her parties and each year we've had nothing but great success. The weather, for the 8th year in a row, is being super cooperative...sunny and hot.

Tomorrow evening, one hour after Ms 7's party end, the boys are having a few friends over each as a reward for helping out this week. So 8 teenagers to feed and keep out of trouble. Hubby will be on duty for this one, I think I'll take Ms 7 out before she explodes.

Sunday morning soccer practice and then a swim party at, yep you guessed it, our house. Team mates and families are welcome. Throw in a BBQ lunch and you get the picture.

Then... yes there's more... friends are coming over for a swim and dinner around 4pm on Sunday.

Anyone would think we're social butterflies. We're not. This is going to be one crazy weekend.

Monday won't be much saner since it will be Ms 7's actual birthday. We're planning a day at Canadas Wonderland's water park followed by dinner at any place of her choice.

I need a vacation. Oh wait, no I need a job so that I have a valid excuse not to be sociable!

Weight Update

234.8lbs. I'm taking it. It's not going fast but I've passed another 5lbs increment so as of today I have lost 115lbs.

What I have noticed is that my body is changing. My waist seems to be changing, I notice a very real difference in how my clothes are fitting. I would like to see my hips change next!

Firing a Dr

Well I didn't fire him but I have made the decision to drop Dr W from my health care team. Dr W recently opened an obesity clinic here in my home town. There is definitely a need for it and when my PCP referred me I had great hopes of working with a specialist who would be able to monitor and guide me as I move through this journey of mine.

What I got instead was a man who seems more intent on developing his business than in understanding my particular needs. I can honestly say that in the first three visits he has added no value to me. There are lots of little things that make me question

1. his nurse measured my height incorrectly. I mentioned it. She still entered the wrong height into the system.
2. he had no idea as to what we had discussed last time. He asked me.
3. he asked me to come back in a month. There is no reason other than he can send another charge through to OHIP
4. he has no concept of how to calculate calorie consumption in a post surgical patient. Calories are not all equal for the DS patient. We absorb so little fat that an adjustment needs to be made. I tried to explain this to him when he was going through his explanation of basal calorie consumption. He wouldn't listen. I mean what would I, lowly fat person, know?
5. it irks me that for those patients that go onto WLS they will all get the RNY spiel. This is not to say that there is anything wrong with the RNY, I think it's a valid option for some people, but I do have an issue with the fact that he is not presenting balanced information so people can make informed choices. The last time I was there, there were several people in the waiting room who were much bigger than I ever was. For these people the RNY is not the best option. For the super morbidly obese the best medical solution is the DS. This is not about surgery preferences it's about the tool that is most likely to help these people to succeed. It does not sit well with me that they will be sold an option that may not get them to where they want to be. Having been miserable for so long I feel for these folks.

Right from the very beginning the whole process didn't sit comfortably for me. So I have made the decision to cut him from the team. I do not want to be party to unnecessary billing to OHIP. I would prefer my taxes be used for legitimate need.

Paying it Foward

Blogging is cheap therapy for me. I get to see what's inside my head almost from a third party perspective. I get some great feedback from people that I've known for years and from those that I've met since starting my weightloss journey. I also get the chance to pay it forward. To record my journey so that for those that are researching there options they have my account, among the many others out there in cyber space, as pieces of information that will hopefully lead them to making informed decisions.

Paying it forward is important to me. Without the carefully recorded experiences of others that have gone before me I would not have entered into my journey as comfortably as I did. These folks, through just writing, have shared wonderful insights into this incredible ride we're all on. Some have reached out through the blogging process. Others through online support group groups such as Obesityhelp.com. All have had a remarkable impact.

One blog that I read religiously is closing down. The author has decided that it's time to move on and live her personal life more so than document it. She has a natural writing talent that I will truly miss but I admire her for making what I think was a really difficult decision. Marybeth thank you for sharing so much of yourself, I don't think you will ever know how much of an impact you had on me. I wish you all the best in your life - you deserve to find true happiness and peace.

I did what?

We just bought a car. A brand new, plastic still on the seats Sedona EX

After a very frustrating discussion with our local dealer we drove to a neighbouring suburb on the off chance the lot was still open. It was. 90 minutes later we came out many dollars in debt.

We pick the car up on Friday. It is a cool metalic grey colour (Copper Graphite to be exact) with grey interior. Very nice looking van. It also happens to drive very nicely thank you very much - very important for this suppressed Formula 1 driver.

I still can't believe we did it. Less than 2 days from the thought entering our heads to actually signing on the bottom line. Now to make the finances work.

Happy Place

I often use this blog as a way to get out my frustrations...with my weight, with my kids, with my work. But today all I have is happy thoughts.

It's been a good weekend. Nothing monumental happened - I just had the pleasure of hubby and Ms 7's company. We started the weekend out on Friday with Ms 7 and I spending the day at Canada's Wonderland. Unfortunately I discovered what not enough food and not enough fluid can do to a Dser on a hot day (I actually had to take MS 7 through 'what if' scenarios should I pass out) but other than that it was a very pleasant way to spend an afternoon.

Saturday was one of those days where you just meander through it - no pressure, no rush. Soccer practice in the morning, quick lunch out and then Ms 7 had a little friend come over for the night. An afternoon of watching them swim, followed by a few hours at Indigo (Starbucks) and then off to see Ratatouille with the girls.

Sunday started off way too early. Ms 7 decided that 6.22am was a good time to wake up. She was considerate enough to wake her friend to let her know she was going downstairs (so she wouldn't wonder why she was in the bedroom alone). Needless to say, I was up at 6.22. The day took a better turn with breakfast out and that rolled into a number of other leisurely events. We ended up being out all day but not feeling exhausted or stressed. Very very pleasant

Monday was pretty much the same. Nothing monumental as stated. Very relaxing. Very much needed.

Oh yeah, forgot to mention. We have decided to buy a new car. Our van has served us well but with 245,000km on it, it has seen better days. We are looking at the KIA Sedona. It has everything we need in terms of space (read that as ample separation space between children), safety and power. It also happens to be reasonably priced. I guess that's heading towards monumental...