Dad's still in hospital

They've found some blockages so he goes back into surgery Wednesday 5pm (about 1.30 am EST tomorrow). This is rough - 3 weeks in hospital so far and probably facing 7 - 10 days more assuming that everything starts to work. I can only imagine how he's feeling. I've said it before but I'll say it again...

Don't let fear or embarrassment stop you from getting your colon checked. The alternative is what my dad is going through. They found it early. He was lucky.

Do you have that in my size?

Just a quick little rant to close out the weekend. This morning I had my bone density test. I was shown in the change room and instructed to put on a gown. Newsflash all medical facilities that need you to get naked... one size does not fit all!

I truly do not understand why medical facilities do not stock up on larger size gowns instead of making us wear gowns that stretch tight across the boobs, cut circulation off at the arms, nearly decapitate us with the neckline and don't even ask how much of the rear end it covers. It's just not pretty! I have to laugh - only because I know how ridiculous I looked. Man, knowing my luck this would have been the time that the hottie from heaven would have walked through the door. Oh hang on, I'm married...erase that last bit.

But seriously, with obesity such an epidemic in North America isn't it time that our medical institutions acknowledged this?

The Invisible Man

There is something deeply special about being able to lose oneself in a piece of well written prose, in an engrossing movie or in a well constructed play. The depth of the experience is intensified when the event occurs at one of the oldest playhouses in the country - the majestic Royal George theatre in Niagara-on-the-Lake. The architectural details speaks richly of a time long past. Of women in flowing gowns and men in suits and top hats. Ornate ceilings meet embossed walls and the seats are made of a rich red velvet with brass and wooden arm rests.

Today we took the whole family for an afternoon of escape , a few hours to lose ourselves in the personal tragedy that is The Invisible Man. This afternoon I discovered there is no hiding from me, from the obese me.

It would appear that in times gone by, people were much slimmer...the seats caught this historial fact well. They were narrow. Very narrow. I am a product of our times and this product could not fit into the aforementioned seats. So there I was, perched on the edge of my seat for the first act - painfully aware of my pinched nerve, bum going numb and knees locking with the effort of trying to look inconspicuous.

I know that my husband felt bad for me, he would reach out and rub my back periodically. At that time I was reminded again how emotionally challenged I am - I do not deal well with sympathy and I could feel the tears well in my eyes.

I left during the intermission, found a public toilet and cried. Cried like there was no tomorrow. I do not easily cry for myself but today I did. I know that I'm fat. I think the tears came more from the realization that now others, including my husband, "know" it too. The seat was just such a concrete measure of size. I was mortified. I have never felt more truly fat that I did at that moment.

But out of something so pathetic comes something positive. Instead of drowning my sorrow in a piece of the infamous Maple Farm Fudge from the flagship store just 20ft away I opted to go to the car and write. It wasn't food I was craving, it was the need to get this post out, to see the words, to see my pain as someone else reading this might see it.

Maybe this is what has been missing, the ability to get out the words and feelings. Maybe by not letting them out I was using food to push them away? I wonder if I have inadvertently uncovered something here? Is this the answer, at least in part, to my obesity? Do I need to let out my feelings and thoughts so I don't "need" food? Do I need to be willing to deal with consequences of that? Do I need to give myself permission to not be invisible?

Tests and More Tests

Today was the day. The day marked by the auspicious event known as the annual examination. I know I dread this day - my blood pressure is always up when I first walk in. By the time I leave it's back at normal levels. It's like clock work, year in year out.

As part of my exam this year my PCP ordered all the tests that Dr L. needed. They took 10 vials of blood, and not little ones either! The lab work is so extensive that even my Dr. said that she had never ordered some of these before.

So... am I ready for surgery?

Chest Xray - check
Respiratory Function test - check
Sleep Apnea report - check
Blood work - check
EKG - check
Bone density test - Sunday morning and then check

Looks like I'm ready to go.

Oh and the good news - I've lost 7.5 of the 10 - 15lbs I need to lose before surgery. I know it's mostly water weight but whether it's water weight, light clothing, hair loss or the fact that I coughed up an organ, I'll take it. In my eyes 7.5lbs is a beautiful 7.5lbs!

Dad Update...and All Things Parental

Had a long chat with Mum last night (gotto love the CAD0.024 a minute Skype cost!). Dad is still in the hospital. The 7 - 10 day stay has so far turned into a 16 day one. On October 10th he had an operation to take out another cancerous growth from his colon. Since this is a recurring issue they essentially took out a large chunk of the colon, closed it all up in favour of a life long colostomy bag. He was doing fine in his recovering but on day 7 post op he started vomiting. His stomach has essentially stopped working and they're having trouble kick starting it. Unlike last time when he nearly died, he doesn't have an infection, but he is obviously not doing great. He can't go home until he can feed himself and keep it down.

This has been really hard for Mum. She has had to take over responsibility for the business which has been a great physical strain for her. I hope it doesn't have an adverse impact on her pancreatic cancer which has been doing unexpectedly well.

On a brighter note it looks like they've sold the business with an expected hand over date of Dec 1,2006. I am thrilled for them both. They have owned a beach "kiosk" for the past 22 years. It's a very busy operation - the kiosk can seat 45 inside and 100 outside - and has meant dedicating their lives to it. Given their illnesses it's time to sell. Now they will be able to build that house they always wanted. Now they can relax and enjoy what time they have left to them (hopefully that will be longer than shorter)

I also took the opportunity to share the fact that I will be going for WLS. I hadn't mentioned it because she had so much going on. But it was time. She needs time to understand what I'm doing so that should something go wrong it doesn't come out of the blue for her. She needs time to understand both the benefits and risks.

So it was a good chat. I miss being close at times like this. I miss being able to help.

I want it and I want it NOW!

Do you remember Violet from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. She was always so impatient - she saw something and she wanted it NOW!. That's how I feel. Now that I've made the decision and met with my surgeon, I just want to get on with it. I don't want to wait, I don't want to deal with work and I don't want to deal with the kids... I just want it now!

It's hard to explain why I'm so impatient. I mean, it's not like this is taking any length of time. In fact in terms of insurance paid weight loss surgery this is moving at lightening speed. For me it's that it has been all consuming. It's all I can think about, I'm still researching, reading, chatting, blogging and it's stopping me from moving forward in other areas. I just want it done so I can get on with the job of learning how to live my life without food as a crutch, learning to like myself again... does that make sense?

A garbled post from a garbled mind....fitting

The Michigan Left

I got to experience a whole new phenomena during my time in Michigan - the Michigan left. For those of you who have never had the pleasure of driving in and around Detroit let me explain. First you drive towards the place you want to go to. Pretty simple so far right? Then you drive straight past your target (be it street, mall, any location) go a little further, do a u-turn (may or may not be regulated with a traffic light) then go back towards where you really want to be.

If we didn't have the fabulous directions as provided by our friends Mer and Adam we would have been screwed. You really get very little notice that if you want to turn left, you first need to turn right so that you can do the u -turn and then go in the direction you really wanted. Interesting system.

I can see how it would stop large backup's in turning lanes but in all reality, when you regulate a u-turn with a traffic light you really haven't gained much.

Just as a side note the suburbs of Detroit (Bloomfield, Farmington Hills etc) are absolutely beautiful. Beautiful homes, leafy, lakes galore... I could so see myself living in a place like that...but hang on, if I did odds are I'd be fighting my insurance provider for the surgery I need. Hmmm, maybe I'll just stay put for a while :)

Dr. L.

I had my first consult with Dr L today. He strikes me as an extremely competent professional. He shared with my husband and I the procedure, asked lots of questions about me and the support network that I would have in place post surgery and then asked me when I wanted to have the surgery. Yes - he took me on as a patient and we are shooting for the end of November for surgery.

I am very excited - I should have an exact date within the next couple of weeks. They just need to get the final go ahead from OHIP.

I had a laugh during the consult - they set my ideal weight as 149lbs. 149lbs???? Who are they kidding? I haven't been that weight since I was an early teen. I told him that I would be happy at 160-165lbs. That gets my BMI to the top of the healthy range. I would have been happy with 180 but I didn't want to tell him that.

So I guess my journey has taken a new turn.

Before surgery I need to lose 10 - 15lbs. The directions are simple. No pop of any sort. It is poison. No artificial sweetners. Poison. Eat three meals a day, end of day meal the smallest. Eat protein first, then vegetables. Rice is ok. No dressing on salads (yuk) to eliminate fat. I can have fruit.

Oh yeah, and exercise. This will be the hardest for me cause I don't like it. The other normal excuses are true too - I'm too tired, I don't have enough time etc etc. But the base line is I don't like it. I will do it though - the more I can set a routine in the next month, the better my chances of a quick and healthy recovery. The better my chances of successful weight loss.

So I guess it's time to put one foot in front of the other and get myself moving and eating like I mean it. The surgery is but a tool - I still need to do the hard work.

And I'm looking forward to a new me...physically and mentally. Don't kid yourself - the fat is just a tiny part of the problem.

I've been duped

As I was driving to work at 9pm tonight, thinking dark thoughts about my job, I realized that there was a really good chance that I didn't need to be in the car.

Let me take a step back - Friday afternoon my boss calls me at home to ask where my performance appraisals are. I inform her that since they weren't due until next week they weren't done. She "corrects" me and says that they were due on the 18th. Me - confused and apologetic. Me - offers to go in on the weekend to finish them. Me - stupid.

As I'm driving to work I started to think (about 36 hours too late). Self appraisals weren't due until the 18th - you can't do an employees appraisal in the system until they have submitted their own appraisals... put two and two together and you know what there's no way that the manager assessments were due the same day. Crap.

Sure enough - comments not due until the 24th (the date I quoted to my boss) and the final ratings are not due until the 31st. I spent 15 minutes careful wordsmithing an email that told the boss that she was wrong and then went home. Could I have done my appraisals while I was there? Sure. But I didn't cause I didn't have to and this one's about the principle. I have been thinking about needing to do this ever since she called - I could have been thinking about more important things like do I have time to get rid of these telling grey roots, or do I have underwear in good enough shape for Dr. L. to see, or ...get my drift?

I felt so duped - I should know better than not to seriously question her. She's not great with details at times. That'll teach me to take the day off (the day she gave me off the record... thanks boss!)

Respiratory Function Test

If ever you want to acheive a natural high, complete with light headedness and full facial tingles, go and do a respiratory function test.

Several months ago I was having trouble with wheezing so in the typical Ontario manner you book the test and then wait. I can't complain too much because financially the system is serving me well but our waiting times are legendary or should I say notorious?

Anyway... off I went this morning really having no idea as to what to expect. I had no inkling that this test would be so grueling. You want me to breathe out for how long? Squeeze she kept saying, squeeze out the air. Lady - when the lungs are empty they are truly empty! The process took about an hour and consisted of various breathing tests - the last designed to induce an asthma attack if in fact you have asthma. The good news is that in all likelihood I do not. The bad news is that my lung function is pretty lousy - largely thanks to a severe lack of exercise. I have to hope that the functionality is good enough to allow me to go into surgery - it's one of the tests that Dr L. would have asked for anyway. For reasons other than weight loss surgery, I am ahead of the game.

I was also weighed this morning and I lost 2lbs. 2 lousy lbs in 2 lousy weeks. If you factor in water loss I'm probably up in real weight. Sigh. Sheesh. Grrrr. What can I say? What I do know is this - I need to lose at least 10lbs for Dr. L. I need to find a way to make this happen.

5 more days.

In only 5 more days I will be in Michigan, having breakfast with my buddy Meredith and her family, and getting ready for my appointment with Dr L.

5 more days... I have to admit that I'm a little nervous. What if Dr. L. decides not to take me on as a patient? What if my Multiple Sclerosis puts him off? What if the giant C section scar, vertical no less, makes it more difficult for him to close me up again? What if...

Lot's of what if's. I guess it all comes down to "what if I don't have this surgery?". That's a pretty big if for me. I cannot continue at this weight - I will die. So what next? I'm almost scared to go there. I have lost and gained so much weight over my life time that my body is totally screwed. My set point is now so high that getting into a category that would allow me to call myself just 'obese' is almost impossible. It's a daunting thought.

Well I guess I'll know in just 5 more days...

Do your homework!

I feel so ill equipped to parent teenagers. I am truly at a point in my parenting skills when I can say that I don't know what to do next.

Don't get me wrong - the boys are ok. They are not in trouble with the law. They don't smoke, do drugs or alcohol (as far as we can tell). They have moments where they truly are amazing human beings and neat to know, but... and yes has to be a but, else there wouldn't be this post.

But the boys don't do their homework. We have received calls/letters from both of their teachers indicating that this is a major issue. With son 2 we know what's going on and we're on top of it as we can be, with son 1 it came as a complete surprise. He will look you right in the eye and tell you that he has no homework. His interim report card that came in yesterday, and the call with his English teacher today, told us that he was lying. A lot. Lying is one thing I will not accept from my children.

Homework is but the symptom - what is driving these kids to put themselves at risk by not doing what is expected of them? Is it that we have created an environment where they don't feel they can come to us for help? I would hope not - we put everything on hold to help out. Hubby took a day off work on Friday to work with son no 2, I spent a good chunk of the weekend doing the same. We put a premium on school work. As a kid, that's your job. We will coach, we will check - we will do what they need us to do. We will not do the work for them. My philosophy is simple. Give them the skills to do for themselves so that they can keep as many options open as they move into adulthood.

Is it that our expectations are too high? Should we not expect them to do their work when it's due? Should we not expect them to contribute to the household by helping out occasionally? Already we have taken away the burden of having to baby-sit their sister for two hours every day. We pay $4000 for someone else to do that. But it means that when they come home from school - all they have to do is their work. Are we expecting too much? My gut is telling me no. I believe that everyone has to contribute and if anything we are a little too easy on them. We don't have a massive list of chores. It is usually event driven i.e. Grandma is coming to visit, we have to tidy the house! Do we expect A's? No. We expect that you put in your best effort - the grades will flow from that. If it's a C with best effort so be it. But if it's a C with no effort than you will be having a very unpleasant discussion.

Do we not love them enough? I guess it could be perceived by the boys that we don't. We certainly do but do we always demonstrate it - no. We are so caught up in dealing with "the crap of the day" that you do forget to demonstrate it. It's hard to tell a seething, lying teenager that you love him when all you want to do is smack him up the side of the head and say "WTF????"

I don't know what to do next. I resent the crap out of them for putting the family through such unnecessary turmoil. Everyone is impacted. My daughter has noticed the tension - it is not fair to her. It is not fair to us. I am tired and I don't know where to go next. I so want the boys to be able to enjoy the best of all life has to offer - how can I motivate them to do for themselves because I can't do it for them?

Insurance and Weight Loss Surgery

I have to admit - sometimes I don't understand the American system.

In Canada, Ontario to be specific, if you need weight loss surgery you do it one of three ways

1. You pay for it yourself - usually done for lap banding since this is not covered by OHIP (provincial insurance that we all pay taxes into)
2. You get referred to a specialist and then you wait for surgery. The current waiting list is about 6 - 8 years depending on what (type of surgery) and where (province).
3. You apply to OHIP for out of country surgery approval. If you meet the requirements, based on BMI and co morbidities, you are approved for your initial counsult with your surgeon of choice. If the surgeon agrees to take you on as a patient then he deals directly with OHIP for the final approval. Once your consult is approved, the final is usually a given

As most of you know, my process was an easy one. It took two weeks.

I have a friend in Arizona who has been working on getting approval for years. She has done everything that has been asked of her, her file is inches thick. She recently went on a medically monitored diet to lose weight. She reapplied and was rejected again. Why? Because she was 5lbs short of the weight loss expected of her.

It all seems so arbitrary. People lose weight at different rates. The fact that she lost weight at all is impressive - the fact that she did is sensibly is truly heroic. Her own cause would have been better served by following a fad diet. Sad.

I am so frustrated for her - she has worked so hard for this. Much harder than I have. She has done her research. She has the required BMI and co morbidities but she is not getting the help she needs. I know that she filed an appeal last week. I hope that someone truly looks at her file and takes the time to understand her needs as an individual.

I don't know if you read this blog but please know that I am thinking of you every day

Frustrated

About a week and a half ago I started to lose weight. I was diligent. My scale told me that I had lost 10lbs in about 10 days. That's cool! Then this morning I get on the scale and there's that 10 lbs. All 10 of them. Not one a missing.

I am devestated and frustrated. This is why dieting is so hard for me. When you have well over 150lbs to lose, this can be a seriously demotivating. I am choosing to forgo foods that I know I will never eat again once I am switched - it would be really easy to say. Why bother?

Sigh - another day, another opportunity for success I guess. I have to say though that this is a tough way to start the week.

Sleep Test

For those of you who have never had the pleasure of undergoing a sleep test let me share with you Saturday nights experience.

A sleep test is just that, a test to see how well you sleep. I had one about 2 months ago, which was when I was diagnosed with severe sleep apnea. This weekend's test was was to test the efficiency of my CPAP machine - was it set at the right level, was I getting a better sleep... that sort of thing.

After waiting in your room, read that as four walls and a murphy bed, for an hour an attendant comes in to wire you up. The processes goes something like this

1. wipe down all areas to be wired with alcohol. This includes the spots in your hair where he agressivly tries to ensure that no hair product remains on your roots. As he is doing this he, in trying to make conversation, asks me if my hair is my natural colour... as he is working in the 1 inch of grey/white hair regrowth. Nice

2. A thick gel is then put on all aforementioned cleaned spots.

3. Sensors are attached. Attached to your head, your forehead, your chin, under your eyes, on your chest and on your legs. You are well and truly wired.

4. The comes the best part. Using long belts he tightens a belt, over the wires, above your chest. This forces the breasts to stick out unaturally and about 2 inches lower than they normally would. I don't need help with the downward migration! And then the other belt is tightened just underneath your breasts. I think you get the picture. It's not a pretty one.

Then you sit for another hour or so before they send you to bed and put on your CPAP mask. So now fully wired with a mask over top of the bulk of the wires you are meant to sleep well in a bed that is lumpier than I am. It just doesn't work well folks!

I was so glad to be out of there. I will get the results of the tests in just under a month but the basic outcome is that they increased the pressure on my CPAP machine from 7 to 9. I now feel like I'm sleeping in a wind tunnel. It's amazing how much difference a small adjustment like that can make.

Despite my less than pretty picture description of the process - if you need to take the test, go. I feel so much better for sleeping with the CPAP machine that I would do it again in a heart beat. Now that I have it though I hope not to have to do it again for a long time.

Thank goodness it's the weekend????

Ok...the new crown is in, groceries are done, son 2 is getting ready for the homework battle. Now all we need to get through is cleaning the pool, daughters party 1, daughters party 2, lunch, dinner and then a sleep test. I'm looking forward to the test - no kids, no husband and no ability to run around at all.

Do you remember your parents being this busy with you? I don't. I remember when weekends actually felt long. I remember coming off a weekend refreshed and ready for the next week... times have certainly changed.

Tired

Do you ever have days that you are so tired that you just want to hide from the world? When you don't have the energy to make small talk, when all your effort goes into putting one step in front of the other? I had one of those days today.

What's making me tired?

1. It's performance appraisal time at work and we're in the midst of reconciling stats with out US counterparts. It's amazing how territorial people get around this time of year. Everyone is trying to jostle for position because no one wants their folks to be on the low end of the ranking. Why? The all mighty Bell Curve. You may be doing perfectly fine as a stand alone employee but if everyone else is doing even just a little better your performance is going to considered unacceptable. It's a hard message to deliver. Yes "joe" your stats are fine but I'm sorry we have no raise and no bonus for you this year. The moving target has been the bane of my existance ever since joining this mega financial institution I work for. I am responsible for 8 officers of the bank - I need to make sure I have all my i's dotted and t's crossed so that they don't fall victim to the curve. It's a lot of responsibility.

2. Teenagers. Getting up with number 2 son at 5am two mornings in a row so that he could do homework he hadn't done. Getting up with number 1 son at 5am so he could be on his way to Montreal for 3 days with his Venturer troupe. Throw is a good dose of attitiude, disorganization and plain sheer hormone induced stupidity - I lose a lot of sleep

3. I seem to be pulling my CPAP mask off during the night. I don't know why but it's obviously impacting the quality of my sleep

4. Going to bed too late. I'm a moron!

Time to do something about number 4... have a good one!

Starting over

For those of you who have ever tried to lose weight you will know that dieting is about starting over. For many of us that means starting over again and again and again.

Four days ago I started over again. I decided it was time to bite the bullet and get myself ready for this surgery. I have opted to go low carb, high protein just because that's what I need to do once I'm "switched". For three days I did great. Even through thanksgiving. And then there was today.

This morning I was up at 5am working with son number 2 on his homework so I had time to have breakfast and make my lunch. I had high hopes. I left my lunch at work and instead I grabbed Indian food which would have been fine had I not opted to eat the naan bread but ya know, it's just perfect for dipping. Not too bad, not too good but it would not have impacted the 5lbs I have already lost.

Then there was this afternoon. Number 2 son goes missing. Noone has seen him. An hour and a half after school finishes I find him. I lost it. I was so scared. Scared he was hurt. Scared that this could be the catalyst to send my family over the abyss. Scared. He got to see the wrath of the evil stepmom. I don't lose it often but when I do, it just aint pretty.

Dinner plans went astray (read that as didn't have time to pick up food when combing neighbourhood for child that may not live to reach 14) and hubby ordered pizza. I ate pizza... but only three slices. After dropping hubby off for his charity work tonight I picked up a Skinny Chocolate Chiller from Second Cup.

Let's analyze this. I was stressed. I reached for chocolate. I took the small size whereas I normally would have a medium. I took the skinny option whereas I normally would take the fully loaded, smother me in whipped cream, option. So whilst I did not do myself a favour on the low carb front, I did try to make better choices as I was consciously making my bad ones. The other interesting thing I noticed, and it is a recurring reaction, is that every time I see the scale moving down I go out of my way to eat something that may sabotage my efforts. I really don't seem to be comfortable with the idea of success yet...

So tomorrow is about starting over. I am not going to beat myself up. I will just work at it with renewed hope. But it does tell me that I need to actively work at finding new strategies to deal with stress. I also need to get over this fear of success... it's holding me back.

Dad

Just a quick update for those of you who have been playing the "which parent is sick today?" game with me.

Dad had his surgery in the wee hours of this morning (EST) and he came through that ok. He had a good night.

Now the waiting begins. Will he recover or will he catch another infection? Will he need radiation or chemotherapy or will he wait it out? How long before the cancer comes back again?

Colon cancer is hereditary. I am now at risk. Colon cancer is more prevelant in the morbidly obese. I am definitely at risk. I am like my dad in many ways. In this way I do not want to be. On so many levels it makes sense to actively pursue the weight loss surgery.

If you are over 40 get yourself checked for colon cancer. A little discomfort each year could save your life.

Regrets

Do you ever have regrets? I have few – the way I look at it is that from every dumb assed stupid thing you do, you learn something. You learn either not to do it again, you learn more about yourself or learn that perhaps a better strategy would have given you better results. That’s not to say that some of the consequences are not painful to deal with. They are. But there is still something to learn.

Over the weekend I was again reminded of a major regret that I have. I learned something from it, I would never do it again and I have since developed a million strategies that would have served me better at the time. Yet I still regret.

Ten years ago on the day I started my MBA I had one of those across the room connections with a fellow student. In one of our first classes we did a getting to know you exercise and when he raised his hand as being single, as did I, it suddenly created some possibilities.

Over the ensuing months as we got to know each other our connection deepened. We clicked.

At the time this was all happening I was desperately seeking fulltime work after having made the decision to move to Canada permanently. It was a tough search. Even with all of my experience, and despite having worked in Canada for a year, all of a sudden a Canadian background became the most important factor. As the year went on (I started my MBA in January) I was facing the very real possibility of admitting defeat and going back to Australia. Australians travel. A lot. They travel for up to a year and then go home to grow up. My year was fast approaching. During this time this guy was always there for me. He was supportive when I was down, he would remind me of what I had to offer; he was there for me when I was at my most vulnerable. I was falling in love. Or so I thought. I don’t know. At the time it felt real.

Sometime during the year, and I can’t remember exactly when, I found out he was married. I backed off. But one day in a moment of weakness and vulnerability I slept with him. I violated someone else’s marriage. A thing I would never do to my own. A thing I would never have imagined I would do to someone else. But I did.

It was short. It was stupid. I ended it at the same time I met my husband. I did not want to enter into a one relationship when another was still going. Hypocritical I know, but there you have it. I did not want to continue to live a lie. Although this guy was there when I needed someone, I never tried to justify it as being right. I never will.

On our second date I told my husband the story. I do not regret the honesty but I sometimes regret the fall out. My husband has over the years brought this up…usually in a discussion that started with an off the cuff comment about when I go to hell… cause that’s where I’m going right? He feels I should have should have told the wife what I had done and apologized. I didn’t. I don’t know why. I thought it was because it would hurt her more than it would help her. But who knows, maybe I was just scared for me. I can’t remember the logic that went into it but the bottom line is that I didn’t.

This weekend I found out that my husband sees this as a character flaw, as does he the initial transgression. He sees this as unredeemable. Ever.

I see it as a mistake. A huge stupid mistake that could have ruined someone’s life. I was so caught up in my own feelings and needs that I didn’t think about hers. I am not proud of this at all. I wonder if that is why, now, I often do for myself last… hmmm… that’s another head case post!

But what this leaves me with is that I am in a relationship with a man who cannot forgive me for something I did before we met. I sometimes wish he had decided at the time that this was not something he could live with. He did not and every now and then it comes up. Like it did this weekend. And each time he hurts me in a way that I don’t have the words to explain. It’s like he’s exacting punishment on her behalf.

I am truly sorry for what I did. I try to live my life as a good person, to be a net positive contributor to society. I am glad my husband didn’t end it way back then because then I wouldn’t have my daughter in my life. I wouldn’t have had met his sons (and as much as the teenage years drive me batty I am really glad they entered my life). I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to build a life with someone who was passionate, intelligent and funny. But I also know that I will never be free of this transgression. I don’t know how to make it better. I wish I did.

So there you have it, my one dark secret out in the open for all to see. I am flawed. Not only in body but also in character.

Forgiveness

If someone shot and killed my daughter could I ever forgive them? Could I reach out to their family and embrace them as they deal with the harsh reality of having or having had a murderer among their midst?

The answer is likely no. I can’t imagine a life without my little girl. Just by being her she brings me such joy. Her inquisitive nature, her impressive intelligence, her kindness, her wicked sense of humour and her boundless love for her mom. That would be me. Losing her in any way would leave an incredible hole in my life, losing her to violence would fill that hole with anger. I am not an angry person nor a hateful one but I could see this sort of event changing that. Quickly.

During the past week I have been following the story of the Amish community in Nickel Mines village. I have shed tears for the families who have lost daughters and sisters. I have shed tears for the little girls who never had the chance to experience all that life has to offer. I have shed tears of amazement at the way that the community has opened their collective heart with forgiveness.

So many times you see violence turn into hatred which in turn results in more violence. Look at Iraq and Ireland for examples, look at any war conducted in the name of religion – it’s about fear, violence and hatred. And then you have the Amish. A people often ridiculed for their aversion to all things modern. A people who we really don’t understand well. A people who, with their ability to forgive, instantly stopped a potential circle of hatred. I stand in awe of these people and the power of their beliefs. I admire the depth of conviction that has allowed them to mourn the loss of innocent children but not turn that to outward retaliation and hate. I believe we would live in a very different world if we could all take this sort of approach.

Forgiveness is espoused by many religions but this is truly an impressive example of a group of people putting their beliefs first and showing us what forgiveness is all about. Maybe we could all learn a little from the Amish.

Why can't I just start?

Two weeks ago, after receiving the call from the surgeons office, I knew what I had to do. If I wanted to minimize the time between the consult and the surgery I have to lose some weight by myself. It seems to be the one common instruction that surgeons have given their patients. Firstly, the lower your body weight the less risky the surgery and secondly, it shows that you're serious about what you are about to undertake. That you have what it takes to be compliant after the surgery.

I want this surgery this year. I don't want to start another year with this weight. So I decided that I would go back to a modified Atkins/South Beach type eating plan to get things started. Why low carb? Well - it most closely follows how you eat after surgery, it has been successful for me before and it doesn't leave me so ravenous that I can't think straight. It was also great at calming any cravings - carbs and I do not get along well. Carbs are what I have been living off lately.

So... knowing all this you'd think I'd get on the band wagon and present myself 20lbs lighter at the consultation wouldn't you? But no - once again I am going out of my way to eat crap. What the heck is my problem?

Is this a case of saying farewell to the foods that I will likely never eat again ( and quite frankly I'm ok with saying goodbye to most) or is it that I'm trying to screw up my chances of success? If I do this now, will I be able to get it in check post surgery?

Is it that I am just so stressed right now because I have work coming out the wazoo and this is my way of comforting myself? If so then I need to get a different hobby?

Is it that I have a real fear that my marriage may not out last the surgery? Apparently 50% of marriage end in divorce post surgery. This number scares me. We have been on rocky ground a number of times during the past 10 years... can we withstand something that is going to alter the way I deal with my life? Do I want to find out?

The answer could be 'all of the above'...it's hard to tell what's noise and what is real in terms of the 'why's. The reality though is that I'm having trouble getting started and every day that I delay I risk pushing back surgery. My window for this year is small. Do I want it bad enough?

Teenage Motivation

How do you motivate a teenager to excel? How do you motivate them to just do? How do you motivate them to care enough about their life's journey to positively affect their behaviour? If you have the answer to any of these questions then I want to hear from you!

Our middle child is 13 years old. Last year was the school year from hell. Projects happened only after hours of arguing, lots of tears and then resignation. When finally done, the work wasn't half bad. He was pleased with himself. We were drained. He got to know the principal very well. In fact he had lunch with him every day for 2 months straight. The principal called to tell us he couldn't figure this kid out - he wasn't able to make a connection. This had never happened to him before. Twice I drove him to school and he refused to get out of the car. Both times it took me over an hour to get him out and into class. Both times I strongly wished that corporal punishment had not been banned.

We tried positive motivation using things he valued. We tried negative motivation that focussed on consequences. We actually teamed up with his mom who was all in favour of a united front (holy crap batman). We tried everything. We even went to see a child counseller. He sent us away after four sessions saying he couldn't help - the kid clearly didn't want to be helped. He'd say all the right things, make all the right committments and then do squat. Oppositional was a word used.

During the summer he was better but my husband could not let himself trust his son again. Emotionally it was not a pleasant time for me. I had faith. He was a child in need of guidance and support. I went to bat for him several times and as a result he is still in our home. Then comes this school year. It is very clear to my husband that my faith is sorely misguided.

In the four weeks of school we have seen the following

1. 6 incomplete assignments in Geography
2. a Geography test result of 4/16
3. The musical instrument which is meant to come home 3 times a week has never crossed our thresh hold
4. in doing a reading project and needing to make notes on each chapter - he pulls five lines from the chapter (ususally in the middle) and then doesn't read the rest.
5. An improvement in his approach to math (yes there is a little ray of light)

And the overall theme is that this kid doesn't care. He's lazy. How do you motivate someone like that? We have put him on notice that one more incomplete and he loses the week long trip to Montreal for the Canadian Jamboree. His response - "well you may as well take it away now. Everyone gets an incomplete every now and then, it will happen again." He doesn't accept that his actions are within his control. He CAN choose to do his homework. That's all it would take. We are not looking for A's, we are looking for effort. Is that unreasonable?

Next year he goes into highschool. No one is going to give two hoots if he does his work. His teachers will be far less accessible. I am so scared for him. For his future.

It's not that long ago that I was a teenager (well maybe a little longer than I care to admit). I just don't remember being like this. I don't remember my peers being like this. What's changed in a generation that we have such an uncaring, self absorbed generation of kids? Are they all like this? I hope not. I truly hope that we are being punished for evil things done in a previous life - and he is our punishment but I'm not so sure. I see signs of this in his friends, I see glimpses of it in our 15 year old and you see it in the news everyday when another teenager has lost all semblance of caring and taken someones life.

How do you motivate a kid to not end up in that place where they have given up hope, given up on themselves and forever ruin their own future, or worse someone elses?

If you have the answers, I want to hear from you.

An uplifting experience

This weekend we did what we have not done for so long. It has completely changed my outlook, my spirit, my hope... it has changed how I interact with my husband. We cleaned our room.

Now I can see the eye rolls from here. A bit meladramatic you think? No. It truly is as I say.

We have a large room - it is much larger than two people normally need. We are very busy people with three kids. I was so tired for the last six months that daily functioning was a real chore. All of these things - room to dump, hardly ever home, too tired to do - all conspired to our room looking like a junkyard.

This weekend - with renewed energy thanks to the CPAP machine, and with the incentive of knowing that the in-laws will be sleeping in there on the 22nd - we decluttered. I actually managed to get Bob to go through his side of the walk-in closet and toss things out. This was a huge thing for a man who is doesn't let go of things easily. We tossed out, we donated, we cleaned out drawers, we even moved the patio furniture (very nice lounge setting) into the room for the winter.

It's amazing how empowering this process is. The room was so bad before that I couldn't bring myself to even get started. The job was simply too big for the energy that I had to give to it. Today it was such a pleasure to waking up and seeing the room the way it was - it felt like a new beginning.

Our goal is to go through every room in the house and do the same. I can't believe that I'm actually looking forward to it!