Weight Update

Today's weight 220.4lbs

Go figure, a weight post in a blog that was set up to be about weight loss. Would who have thought it?

Yes I finally weighed myself. I was ready. The last 2 months have been head spinning and I really have not focussed on my weight at all. I did weigh myself when I got back from Australia and to my disgust saw 228 something on the scale. I did not actively manage to that - my mind was elsewhere.

This last week though has been better. I have been bringing enough food into work to last me the day which equates to less frantic raids on the snack machines. I have been eating a ton of protein, including two protein shakes a day. This has kept the hunger at bay. I have been good about planning a good mix of salty and sweet to satisfy the taste buds and keep me away from aforementioned snack machines. I have been eating fruit. This one is a new one for me - I was trying to keep away from it because of the high sugar content but who am I kidding - fruit is better than candy! My Chelmsford team sent me a fruit basket and I've been enjoying it immensely.

So am I being a perfect little DSer? No, not really. Am I making better choices, yes. I am also more organized. If the good food is there I will eat well. If not I resort to whatever is on hand because once at work the chances of me getting out to buy a healthy lunch is essentially zero. I cannot get through the day without food. The DS doesn't allow for that.

So for me the 220.4lbs is my new starting point. I do want to see if after 20 months the DS can still act as a weight loss machine for me. I know it still works. If it did not I would be the size of a house again based on some of my eating habits (apparently stress eating is still a huge trigger for me). So I know it's helping me maintain. But can I still lose?

That is the million dollar question and I want to find the answer. My plan, continue making good choices. Throw in some better ones. Move. Simple. In writing anyway ;)

I am pleased about my current weight - it was a nice thing to see on the scales this morning.

What a week

Before I can bring closure to Mum's passing and resume my regular programming, one last post.

The week has been a mixed one.

On Monday night, shortly after I posted, Ms 9 asked that we all go mini golfing in memory of Oma. You may recall that while we were in Australia that's what Mum wanted to do after a three day stint in hospital. Ms 9 decided that since Oma was now permanently out of the hospital it was the right thing to do. So we did. We headed off to a lovely course down by the lake that Mum had played with us when she was last in Canada. It was a nice way to honor something she enjoyed doing. I hope Ms 9 never loses that thoughtfulness.

Tuesday I took off as a bereavement day but other than running a few errands I mostly napped. I was so tired. The tired associated with a high level stresser being removed from your reality. Waiting for that call on Monday really added a dimension of stress that I hadn't dealt with for a long time. On Tuesday my body took care of itself. Of to work on Wednesday, like nothing had happened.

And then Thursday occurred. I dropped Ms 9 off at camp after a delightful hour of arguing with the charming Mr 14. On the way to work the tears started and I couldn't stop. I could not bring myself to go into work and instead drove to the lake and sat in the car and cried until I fell asleep. I slept there for nearly two hours. I needed to allow myself to feel the sorrow and feel it I did. The day was one of many thoughts... assessing my life, my relationships, my feelings. It was all good and all necessary. I don't cry easily for myself but it was good.

The funeral was Thursday evening our time, Friday morning in Adelaide. Apparently it was lovely. The celebrant did a great job and my sister Margaret read the eulogy that we all had a part in writing. Ms 9 sent a letter to Oma. It was included too. It was taped so at some point I will be able to see it and have reality take over from the imagination... the images created with others words.

The imagination has been the hardest to deal with. My last visual of Mum was at the airport as we left. The words during the past couple of weeks have painted a different picture. One in which she was scared and dying. The last day sounded horrible. The process of death is not always peaceful even though her passing was. So it has left me trying to find closure without the real visual of what happened. And that has been harder than I could have imagined.

In some ways I am very grateful that my visual memory of her will always be a positive one but in some ways I regret that I couldn't "see" the end to allow for the brain to catch up to the reality... does that make sense?

So yesterday was a tough day. Today was better. What I find is that there will be odd moments where she springs into my mind and I can feel the emotions push through. Who would have thought that Lamaze breathing would still come in handy after all these years!

The other thing I must mention before I rein in this stage of my life, is the amazing support I've received.

First and foremost - hubby. He has been a rock... I've seen him in a whole new light this past week.

My boss, my company, my colleagues, my staff. Well wishes, emails, cards, flowers, baskets of goodies... it's been amazing...and real. I am so so lucky.

The people I've met over the years. There are a wonderful group of people that I came to know through pregnancy and the early years of raising Ms. 9... some I "see" regulalry, others I haven't heard from in years but many came out to support me.

The folks that I have got to know through blogging - most who have had weightloss surgery at various times of their lives. This wonderful group of women have supported me through my weight loss journey with advice, with a kick up the butt and always with compassion. Their compassion goes way past the WLS stuff. Thank you.

This blog has been therapeutic for me for a long time but the support and the ability to capture the words has allowed me to deal with a staggering loss. Thank you all, I will be forever in your debt.

I love you Mum

My Mum passed away peacefully in her sleep about half an hour ago.

A new angel spread it's wings.

I feel... relieved. She is not suffering and knowing that feels good.

Thank you all for your support - you have no idea how much it has helped me when I needed it most.

Please say a prayer

That the angels make Mum's journey a quick one. The doctors are expecting her to pass within the next 24 hours.

My heart is breaking. I will never hear her voice again...last night was the last time I told her I love her.

Connected?

Last night as a I was driving along the highway, having just dropped the boys off to visit with their Mom, the most beautiful sight caught my attention. It was a cloudy day and it was around the time that the sun would have started towards setting in the horizon in front of me. Through the clouds there was one large oval spot where the sun was shining through. It reminded me of a religious painting - golden beams reaching out from the darkness. The beams, distinct and glowing, reminded me of conveyor belts and I found myself wondering whether there was a version of ones spirit moving along a conveyor belt towards the "light"... whatever that light represented.

That got to me to thinking (it was a strange drive home) about the fact that even as the sun was still in my sky, it was high in Mums. Which led me down the path of would I somehow know when Mum had passed. We are more connected than we sometimes think. The sun makes it seem like a small world.

I also noticed, before I was pulled over, that I was about 40% above the speed limit... apparently I can't think these thoughts and maintain a safe limit. I was already to tell my sunbeam, distracted by my Mum's illness story should I be pulled over by our fine law enforcers.

But is there more to it than that? I am in no way prone to thoughts of what comes beyond this life but I found out later in the evening that Mum has taken a real turn for the worst. Was there a connection or was it pure coincidence? It was impactful though.

She has a lung infection that they can't get on top of. She is not getting in enough oxygen so her heart started to pump the blood through faster in a bid to get more oxygen where it was needed. It sent her blood pressure sky rocketing. She has not eaten in days. They are not feeding her because to do so would also be to feed the infection. It's a real balancing act between ensuring she has what she needs and trying to kill the bad guys.

Dad says that the cancer has really increased in size over the past three weeks. It is now in more organs. She's having trouble swallowing. It's all moving very quickly but noone can really tell us what that means... hours, days or weeks. No point talking months any more.

My sister Margaret flew back down yesterday. I am glad she is there - at least Dad will have some support. He is now spending his nights at the hospital...he doesn't want her to be alone at night. Margaret will take turns with him - he will go home to sleep for a few hours every day.

It is so horrible waiting for someone to die. I underestimated how difficult it is to be away from your family during a time like this. While no one wants to see it - the not seeing it is equally as hard. I feel useless. I am so glad Margaret is there for Dad.

Helping others help themselves. Kiva.

While I was in Australia Ms 9 and I learned about an incredible organization Kiva

Kiva is an organization that brings together ordinary people that want to make a difference. It is a facilitator of micro loans. Entrepreneurs in third world countries apply for small loans to help them expand or start a small business. The requested loan amounts are posted on Kiva.org and anyone can help contribute to that loan. The money is paid back in monthly installments over a predetermined period of time. 97% of all loans are repaid. 100% of the money you want to loan makes it to the requester. You can loan as little as $25.

The underlying fundamentals of this organization appeals to me. This is not about making a donation, although I fully believe that charity has a place. This is about enabling someone to look after themselves. It is about people who want to do better for themselves, for their families and their communities.

Ms 9 was so impressed with this concept that she decided to fund the last $150 of a $600 loan request to a woman who wanted to start her own sewing business. I was so impressed with Ms 9's sense of doing her bit that I have "underwritten" her loan. Should she fall into the 3% of loans that default she won't lose her hard earned dollars. Should she not, she has learned a valuable lesson about the power that each of us has to make a difference to someone less fortunate than ourselves. I hope this is the start of many loans that she makes over time.

If you can afford to "set aside" some dollars for 6 - 12 months then go check out www.kiva.org

Pausing to take in the beauty

Sitting in my room on the 16th floor of the Westin Waterfront I happened to look out at the skyline of Boston as the sun was setting. The beauty was simply breathtaking. It was a nice little reminder that even when there is sadness and darkness there is simple beauty to be enjoyed.

Never forget to look for the beauty - it helps keep the other stuff in perspective.

A new day and an update

So I awoke this morning to an email from my sister. My mother has been hospitalized after two severe pain attacks. She will be there until they find something that works.

She had an appointment with her one specialist yesterday - he was the guy who did her original bypass operation. Unfortunately there is nothing he can do that will allow her to keep her food in - he referred her to palliative care to work out the pain management regime.

It also appears that she may have a long infection - I should know more when I call in a few hours (gotta love the 13.5 hour time difference!). Add to that the fact that apparently her heart is under stress and she is not in a good place. I spoke with her this morning.

It was a weird discussion. Apparently the dr's at the hospital asked her if her heart gives out does she want to be revived? She told them yes. I questioned her. That was not a discussion I ever expected to have with my mother. She so wants to see my sisters baby which is due mid August. But seriously why on earth would you want to bring yourself back from death to experience intense pain until you die? And there's no guarantee that you will make it till August.

Agh! My middle sister Margaret has been wonderful. She has always had a great relationship with Dad and so she called him last night to discuss the revival thing. He agrees but until the point where she is no longer lucid he does not want to override her. He will however talk with her today. It's such a crappy position to put him in - to encourage his wife to die.

So that's the latest.

Mum was in ok spirits when I spoke with her. She was actually still waiting in casualty until her room was available. She has been caught off guard by how quickly this is now moving. She expected that she would have a period of time when the pain would worsen - the intensity of the attacks left her scared.

Crap... changed the look

Lost all my links to the blogs I like to read most.

Crap crap crap.

Sharon, Allison and Tia - can you please leave me a comment that links back to your blogs so I can easily create new links? While I'm here - anyone else want theirs linked in? LOL. Tiffany, I've been meaning to do yours forever. Donna, your blog inspired me to try and change mine. How did that work out...lol

I'm going to bed - I need to be up really early. And apparently I need my sleep. Sheesh!

Update: Traveling with the DS

For my regular readers you may recall that one of my most pressing concerns about traveling to Australia was managing the bathroom routine en journey. As silly as it sounds it caused me considerable angst. Angst I could have used for something else. It really was a non issue.

From LAX to Sydney - the 14 hour leg of our journey - Ms 9 and I had seats right at the back of the plane. This allowed me to jump into the washrooms quickly and easily when there were no lines. Funnily enough my body jumped right out of it's normal routine. Instead of the concentrated unloading that normally takes place it was more spread out which made it more manageable. I didn't do anything special so I have no idea as to how to replicate it but whatever the reason it made for a very easy trip.

For those of you considering long distance air flights - my advice is simple. Go to the bathroom regularly. Courtesy flush as you go. The suction on those toilets are simply amazing - does wonders. Take a small personal size airfreshner. One spray and all is sweet. The process is manageable. Take it from me - there is no reason to curtail your desire to travel because of any concerns you may have around this.

Bathroom issues aside my greatest challenge was actually getting in enough fluids. I simply did not drink enough and I paid the price on the scale. Over the course of about a month I have put on 5lbs. Not outrageous but enough to make me take a very careful look at what I'm eating and drinking. I've increased my protein, dropped the carbs and am working very hard on increasing the fluids. I have no doubt that this wonderful tool of mine will work it's magic and allow me to drop the weight. It's a nice feeling. I don't get that sense of having screwed up so badly that I can't recover and heck, I may as well just eat more... this would have been what I would have done in days gone by.

I'm in Boston right now (flew in today and home on Tuesday night) so will need to have some flexibility around the food thing... fluids however I can totally control. Sip sip sip. Three words of advice that everyone threw at me immediately post surgery. Those same three words are just as important today as they were then. Sip sip sipping!

Update: Our trip to Australia

For all the angst around whether to go and whether to take Ms 9 or not, it turned out to be a really good trip.

I got to spend some quality time with both of my parents. Ms 9 has the chance to develop some very special memories of her Oma and Opa. Memories that were not so clearly cemented at the end of our last trip three years ago because Mum was recovering from her initial pancreatic bypass surgery and Dad was still running the business. This time, when not feeling bad, Mum was actually very good which meant that she and Ms 9 could engage in a very different way. It was nice.

Ms 9 also spent a lot of time connecting with her Opa. Opa and Ms 9 both have equal inability to stop before things get out of hand...so things got out of hand often. It was noisy, funny, frustrating, and wonderful all at the same time. If I thought I was going to have the chance of some peace and quiet while I was away I was sorely mistaken.

But it was worth it. Ms 9 was a wonderful distraction for us all. She added some joy into what otherwise could have been a very morbid visit. I know that Mum had a tough day the day before we left. I also know that Dad was struggling because he started to withdraw a little a few days before we headed out... it's just his way of dealing with stuff...

While in Australia we managed to spend time with family and friends and we shopped till we dropped. It's a good thing Mum was willing to give up a suitcase...we came with two, we left with three! Sad thing is that most of that suitcase was full of Ms 9's stuff. Some birthday presents, some clothes from the winter sales (good back to school stuff), some gifts for others, but largely just stuff for her. I'm such a sucker when it comes to say NO. I know that I was over compensating - she was feeling quite homesick for her friends by the end of the second week. Retail therapy seemed to help. Insert eye roll!

We also got in some sight seeing. Ms 9 was lucky enough to see some whales in Victor Harbor. She also got to cuddle a koala, feed the kangeroo's and spend a day wasting money at a fun centre...what more could a kid want?

Bottom line is I am very glad we did it. I would never have been able to forgive myself if I had decided not to go before Mum passed away. I think that would have been a difficult guilt to live with. I am so very thankful that hubby ended up encouraging me to take Ms 9...

We flew in on the 8th, in time to celebrate Ms 9's birthday on the 9th. The timing was perfect. Leaving something sad to celebrate something wonderful.

Update: Mum

To say that life is a little full is an understatement. I've been busy living it but not so much dealing with it. Of course I come back here to do the brain dump... it's amazing how therapeutic it can be.

To avoid doing one horrendously long update I will break it down into several smaller ones. First, the thing that occupies my thoughts most often these days...my Mum.

During the time we were in Australia Mum spent three full days in the hospital and went back for a day visit once. Her primary issue these days, aside from the cancer that is rapidly growing, is dehydration. We left last Tuesday and she has already been back for a iv fluids twice... things seem to be escalating. We know that the cancer is growing. The pattern that is unfolding is that about every 5 days she is having to have her pain medication dosages increased. Basically what happens, as with nearly all cancers, is that as the cancers grow they press on organs or nerves. Both result in pain.

There is no more reprieve for Mum - it has really become an exercise in managing her pain. The fact that she will die soon saddens me - no one wants to lose someone they love. What irks me more though is the thought of her experiencing the level of pain that she is. She waits too long to voice her pain - last time it was a nurse that noticed she was not comfortable. Mum didn't say anything.

I hope she gets smarter about this - my message to her was that if at some point she needed to be drugged to the eyeballs then so be it. Lucidity has little value when you can't manage through the pain.

Mum has two appointments with her specialists this week - hopefully we'll know more soon. Whatever happens I want it to happen quick. I want her to be pain free again. For ever.