235lbs

Despite my gas inducing experience I have managed to stay fairly true to the eating plan of a Dser. Lots and lots of protein, nuts, an apple or two and my beloved high fat, high protein Starbucks coffees. The weight is definitely moving in the right direction.

I am under no false illusion of keeping up at this pace - this current pace is purely reflective of the first days of dieting. The body does good. The mind does good. The next few weeks will be the telling ones. Those first days that the scale moves up (and I know it will). Those first days when the scale doesn't move at all. These interruptions were always a challenge in my pre Dser, perpetual dieting days. They don't play with my mind as much these days but it'll be interesting to see since this is the first time since my DS that I have had to truly "restrict" myself.

Holy Gas Batman...

Alrighty that wasn't fun.

I said I would share the good bad and ugly. Last night definitely fell into the ugly. This post was actually yesterday...

Yesterday started off well but spiraled quickly into a carb fest of little self control. What amazed me was the depth of the "body" payback. I have had far far worse days in the last 9 months but it would seem that a few days of clean living followed by a trip to sugarville just doesn't work for me.

My first reaction was an attack of the "foamies". I haven't really experienced that since the early months of post op. I'm thinking the orange juice played a part but most likely it was tied in closely to eating too much at one sitting.

But the real payback came last night. I thought my body was going to explode with the gas that simply did not want to escape. Contrary to popular belief this was not the much talked about "smelly" gas often linked to the DS procedure - it was simply gas. Lots of it. Painful, I want to rip my body apart, type of gas. I ended up sleeping on the sofa so I could easily make it to the washroom on time. I probably didn't need to do that but I'm not one to just trust that it may only be gas... I was up essentially from 12.30am to 6.15ish when I finally called it quits and started the day.

The reaction took me by surprise. I am very happy to never eat a donut again after that experience. Today its back on the protein and fat. I feel better. Tired thanks to a lack of sleep but better.

All Things Work... The Update

It's hard to believe that I have been at my current company for nearly 18 months... this week it would have been my 2 year anniversary of being downsized out of the big C. Looking back, I can still say that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I love where I am. I have a deep and abiding belief in what we are trying to achieve as a company. I see myself as part of the solution which is both exciting and scary.

But it hasn't been all roses. Like many companies, we have been deeply impacted by the economic woes of the world. A month ago I had to tell 12 of my team that they no longer had jobs. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my professional career but it is a decision that I support. The company made a difficult decision in the interest of survival and that has my respect. We did what we had to do with the dignity of those impacted in mind. I don't know what was hardest - telling people that they could go home or seeing the sympathy in their eyes.

As you can imagine the 6 weeks of planning that went into this event created a new layer of stress that I was not well prepared for. I didn't realize the toll it took until it was done. It took me nearly a full month to be able to say that I feel like myself again.

Now I see a time of hope and growth. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?

Moving down

Yesterday was a day of protein, fat and a few carbs. Add in a stack load of water (I had forgotten what it was like to need to pee so much!) and the result is...

237lbs.

Yes it's water weight but I'll take it. 17lbs over the last time I checked is so much better than 21lbs over!

Today will be a real test for me. It's been a long time since I've stayed away from the vending machines at work. A really long time.

All Things Children... The Update

Let's start with the good and move down from there...

Ms 9 is doing fabulously well. She loves school and as has been her practice she excels at it. It's not just about the grades (more on this momentarily) it's about her sense of community and involvement. She participates in everything ranging from choir to the "eco club". She stays behind after school to help the teacher. She peer mentors her fellow classmates in subjects that she is strong in. She just loves being a part of it all. As part of the grade 4 ability testing, Ms 9 has been identified as gifted. In fact she scored well enough in the two tests to qualify her to be a member of Mensa. Let's just hope that she doesn't ever decide to use her brains for evil! Next month we will be going on a school visit to see if we want to enroll her in a gifted contained classroom at another school. It means moving her from her friends and all that is familiar. It however provides her with the opportunity to be challenged in a way that she is not now. She would be with 17 - 20 other 10 year olds with similar ability. I am leaning towards changing schools... we will see.

Mr 15 is the same infuriating self centred little guy that he's been for the past three years but he has moments where I see light. The glimpses are few and far between but they are there and I'm hanging onto those in the belief that at some point in time there will be more light and less dark. He is not an academic but does do well when he decides he either likes a subject, likes a teacher or has to do a minimal amount of work to pass a class. He has decided he wants to be a drama teacher. We will see... currently he is scraping in with a C- average but given that is higher than his much more capable older brother I can't say too much.

Which brings me to Mr 17. He is currently dating a very young 15 yr old. Nice enough girl but as you can imagine much concern from all parental types around the nearly 3 yr age difference. I am sure that Mr 17 is hoping that this relationship will become sexual in nature, we are hoping that it won't. Shaking my head. He is the proud non-acheiver currently sporting a resounding D average. This is the same guy that was on the honour roll in grade 8. Sigh. The good news is that he did get himself a part-time job which he has managed to hold since July of last year. We'll ignore the fact that he really would prefer not to be working there and gives away shifts a little too readily. Another sigh. He is planning a loser lap of grade 12. He says he will do better. All I hear, the same I've heard for the last 4 years, is blah blah blah. I'm so proud...

Is it all bad. No. Is it all good. Hell no. I hate when I see potential being pissed away. I hate it in myself. I hate it in my kids.

241.2

Not the reason I am back, although perhaps it should be, but more a sign that I am ready to deal with life again. My life.

Today I stood on the scale. Today I cared enough to do so. Yesterday I ate like a DSer should do. It felt good. I feel good. It's been one hell of a ride.

So where the heck have I been? I don't know how to fully explain it other than to say that I needed to just get through life. I didn't want to look too deeply.

Mum's death has had an incredible impact and I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. I gave myself permission to do that so I could continue to deal with work, with teenagers, with a husband and with myself. By not dealing with it I didn't have to delve into the incredibly painful emotions. But what I also discovered is that by not dealing with it, the fragile coping mechanisms I had been building up as life of a post op DSer crumbled. They couldn't withstand the profound sense of loss that I was trying to bury and I reverted to the old and true. Stupid. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I have been making poor choices for nearly 9 months. My weight reflects that but more importantly my mood reflected that. I have forgotten how to laugh. I was afraid to let joy in. Wow... this is the first time I have articulated this. The power of the blog.

I have missed my writing terribly but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Seeing the words was just too..,naked. I tried. I wrote drafts and then never posted. I wrote a couple of emails that never made the cut and paste. I wasn't able to share largely because it countered my need to bury. While it served it's purpose I think there's been a heavy price. My health is obviously one. I didn't feel good eating the way I was and yet I continued to do so. My family. I have not been able to give freely of myself and that has had an obvious impact. This really came out at Christmas time when hubby struggled with what to get me. He didn't know who I was anymore were the words. I didn't blame him. I think I lost myself for a while there.

So am I back for real? I hope so. I want to focus on my health and I am hopeful that the weightloss will start again.

I am 2 years 3 months post surgery. This will be an exercise to see if the wonderful tool called the Duodenal Switch still works. I have no doubt that it is thanks to the DS that I didn't post much higher numbers in the title line. The question is now that my stomach has stretched back to normal (resulting in little or no restriction) will the malabsorption serve me if I do the right things?

I will track my progress along with what I am doing to make it work/fail. Not only will it allow me to take some accountability but maybe it will serve to help another DSer who has fallen off the tracks. I fell and I fell hard but I do not feel broken, and with that I feel ready to pick myself up and dust myself off.

Wish me luck.

Transformational

More on where I've been the last month (OMG it's been a month!) shortly but I've had something on my mind that I need to write down. I need to be able to look at it and "see it". I'm a visual learner in the most stereotypical kind of ways.

Life is short.

It has to be one of the most common, most used and yet most overlooked statements known to mankind. Life is short. The words just don't do it justice. Even saying it slowly, placing emphasis on each word as if they were a statement in their own right, does nothing to truly express the enormity of what these words are saying.

We, as human beings, have a limited time on this earth. None of us knows exactly how long we have and yet each day we make decisions about how we use each minute, each hour, that we have available to us. A few of these decisions are mindful ones where we truly think through the consequences of the decision we are contemplating but for the most part we make decisions by rote, not even aware that a decision is being made.

We spend more time on dealing with the immediate moment than time on the things that bring us joy, pleasure or fulfilment. We are so busy doing what we think we have to do that we lose sight of the fact that life is short.

I don't want my life to be a series of little decisions that are designed to get me through the day. I don't want my life to be filled with reactive battles that drain the soul and with it my capacity to find joy. I don't just want to be.

I want my life and the things that I do to be transformational. I don't mean that I want to necessarily do something huge that changes the world in one blinding swoop but I do need to know that the little things I do on a daily basis are meaningful. That they have the power to transform... one little bit at a time. I want to make a difference. In my life. In the life of the people that I love. As a corporate citizen. As a human being.

No, I'm not having a mid life crisis (I think) but I do feel like I'm having an awakening of sorts. I'm starting to really think about what I do in a day. I am starting to question whether my efforts are having the maximum potential impact. Life is short. I only have so many days on this earth to make a difference. Is reading 150 emails a day how I am going to best serve the needs of my company or is creating the ideal learning environment going to allow me to do that? Is battling the ever selfish, ever stupid 14 year old going to help him be a better person or is it time that I let lifes consequences help him discover those lessons for himself? I am not saying that one is right over the other but in order to have the opportunity to do transformational things I believe that decisions need to become more mindful.

We live in a reactive world. We react to time pressures, deadline pressures, peer pressure, kid pressure, spouse pressure. We react to pressure. Very few people make sound decisions under constant pressure. We become reactive where we would benefit most if we could be mindful. Mindful is the basic stepping stone to transformational.

My goal for myself is to become more mindful. To be aware of the decisions that I make. To focus on those things where I can be most impactful. Positively impactful. Whether I make the leap to transformational I will leave for those that write my eulogy to decide but I want to be fully in the moment as I seek to make the journey to that point.

Weight Update

Today's weight 220.4lbs

Go figure, a weight post in a blog that was set up to be about weight loss. Would who have thought it?

Yes I finally weighed myself. I was ready. The last 2 months have been head spinning and I really have not focussed on my weight at all. I did weigh myself when I got back from Australia and to my disgust saw 228 something on the scale. I did not actively manage to that - my mind was elsewhere.

This last week though has been better. I have been bringing enough food into work to last me the day which equates to less frantic raids on the snack machines. I have been eating a ton of protein, including two protein shakes a day. This has kept the hunger at bay. I have been good about planning a good mix of salty and sweet to satisfy the taste buds and keep me away from aforementioned snack machines. I have been eating fruit. This one is a new one for me - I was trying to keep away from it because of the high sugar content but who am I kidding - fruit is better than candy! My Chelmsford team sent me a fruit basket and I've been enjoying it immensely.

So am I being a perfect little DSer? No, not really. Am I making better choices, yes. I am also more organized. If the good food is there I will eat well. If not I resort to whatever is on hand because once at work the chances of me getting out to buy a healthy lunch is essentially zero. I cannot get through the day without food. The DS doesn't allow for that.

So for me the 220.4lbs is my new starting point. I do want to see if after 20 months the DS can still act as a weight loss machine for me. I know it still works. If it did not I would be the size of a house again based on some of my eating habits (apparently stress eating is still a huge trigger for me). So I know it's helping me maintain. But can I still lose?

That is the million dollar question and I want to find the answer. My plan, continue making good choices. Throw in some better ones. Move. Simple. In writing anyway ;)

I am pleased about my current weight - it was a nice thing to see on the scales this morning.

What a week

Before I can bring closure to Mum's passing and resume my regular programming, one last post.

The week has been a mixed one.

On Monday night, shortly after I posted, Ms 9 asked that we all go mini golfing in memory of Oma. You may recall that while we were in Australia that's what Mum wanted to do after a three day stint in hospital. Ms 9 decided that since Oma was now permanently out of the hospital it was the right thing to do. So we did. We headed off to a lovely course down by the lake that Mum had played with us when she was last in Canada. It was a nice way to honor something she enjoyed doing. I hope Ms 9 never loses that thoughtfulness.

Tuesday I took off as a bereavement day but other than running a few errands I mostly napped. I was so tired. The tired associated with a high level stresser being removed from your reality. Waiting for that call on Monday really added a dimension of stress that I hadn't dealt with for a long time. On Tuesday my body took care of itself. Of to work on Wednesday, like nothing had happened.

And then Thursday occurred. I dropped Ms 9 off at camp after a delightful hour of arguing with the charming Mr 14. On the way to work the tears started and I couldn't stop. I could not bring myself to go into work and instead drove to the lake and sat in the car and cried until I fell asleep. I slept there for nearly two hours. I needed to allow myself to feel the sorrow and feel it I did. The day was one of many thoughts... assessing my life, my relationships, my feelings. It was all good and all necessary. I don't cry easily for myself but it was good.

The funeral was Thursday evening our time, Friday morning in Adelaide. Apparently it was lovely. The celebrant did a great job and my sister Margaret read the eulogy that we all had a part in writing. Ms 9 sent a letter to Oma. It was included too. It was taped so at some point I will be able to see it and have reality take over from the imagination... the images created with others words.

The imagination has been the hardest to deal with. My last visual of Mum was at the airport as we left. The words during the past couple of weeks have painted a different picture. One in which she was scared and dying. The last day sounded horrible. The process of death is not always peaceful even though her passing was. So it has left me trying to find closure without the real visual of what happened. And that has been harder than I could have imagined.

In some ways I am very grateful that my visual memory of her will always be a positive one but in some ways I regret that I couldn't "see" the end to allow for the brain to catch up to the reality... does that make sense?

So yesterday was a tough day. Today was better. What I find is that there will be odd moments where she springs into my mind and I can feel the emotions push through. Who would have thought that Lamaze breathing would still come in handy after all these years!

The other thing I must mention before I rein in this stage of my life, is the amazing support I've received.

First and foremost - hubby. He has been a rock... I've seen him in a whole new light this past week.

My boss, my company, my colleagues, my staff. Well wishes, emails, cards, flowers, baskets of goodies... it's been amazing...and real. I am so so lucky.

The people I've met over the years. There are a wonderful group of people that I came to know through pregnancy and the early years of raising Ms. 9... some I "see" regulalry, others I haven't heard from in years but many came out to support me.

The folks that I have got to know through blogging - most who have had weightloss surgery at various times of their lives. This wonderful group of women have supported me through my weight loss journey with advice, with a kick up the butt and always with compassion. Their compassion goes way past the WLS stuff. Thank you.

This blog has been therapeutic for me for a long time but the support and the ability to capture the words has allowed me to deal with a staggering loss. Thank you all, I will be forever in your debt.

I love you Mum

My Mum passed away peacefully in her sleep about half an hour ago.

A new angel spread it's wings.

I feel... relieved. She is not suffering and knowing that feels good.

Thank you all for your support - you have no idea how much it has helped me when I needed it most.

Please say a prayer

That the angels make Mum's journey a quick one. The doctors are expecting her to pass within the next 24 hours.

My heart is breaking. I will never hear her voice again...last night was the last time I told her I love her.