One Year - the Words

This time last year I was lying on an operating table in Rochester Michigan. Vulnerable. Exposed. Morbidly obese. I weighed 350lbs. I had reached a weight where my ability to do the little things in life was severely impacted. Putting on socks had turned into a sweat breaking activity. I couldn't go rafting because the life jackets didn't fit. I couldn't enjoy a play at an old historic theatre because my butt didn't fit. I had gone past the point of no return.

This time last year the talented Dr L was cutting away a part of stomach and crafting me a much smaller one, he took out my gallbladder in anticipation of the issues I would experience with the upcoming rapid weight loss and he rearranged my intestines to give me the most powerful weight loss tool out there. The Duodenal Switch. The DS with both it's restrictive component (smaller stomach) and malabsorptive component (rearranged intestines), in theory, results in more successful long term weight loss than the other options available.

Have I been successful? Despite my regular moaning and groaning about my slowed weight loss the answer is a resounding yes.

In one year

* I have lost 132 lbs

* I have lost 68% of my excess weight (based on a goal of 160lbs)

* I have dropped from a starting BMI of 50.1 to 31.3. I am so close to being merely over weight...

* I have moved from wearing size 24/26 clothes to now wearing size 14/16. I still have an X in my clothing sizing but the X is the first letter and not the last. I can now buy clothes off the rack at any store. This is very empowering

* My blood pressure is down to today's low of 102/66.

* I started a new job. A job which I love. A job in which people judge me for my performance and not my weight.

* my sleep apnea is cured. It was gone the week after surgery.

I can now

* put on socks and shoes without pre planning as to how I am going to manipulate my body to achieve said goal

* walk up several flights of stairs without being winded

* stay up much later and hence spend more time with hubby. This has been good for our marriage

* sit in any chair without fearing that I am going to break it and/or not fit. This has happened on more than one occasion in the past. It's a period of my life I will be happy never to revisit.

* walk into a room/store and not fear that people are looking at me. It never fails to amaze me how much better service I receive these days. When people aren't judging you. Judging you for being fat

* fit into spaces that I never thought I would. A little wow moment last week involved a pillar, a railing and me fitting between the two when hubby could not. Wow.
* see my marriage lasting. This is not solely because I look better, I think it's much more that I am more confident in myself. I am more 'myself' than I have been for a long long time. I am more the person I was when I first met hubby.
* look in the mirror and see a normal sized person. A wrinkly anemic looking one, but normal sized.

I've learned

* that protein and iron are ongoing challenges for me. My supplements and food intake need to be very carefully monitored
* that losing weight is no easier with a tool than it is without. It's still a head game - the main difference is that the tool counters some of the head stuff while you're trying to work it out
* that I am worth it. That doing this for myself is neither selfish or vain.
* that you can never trust a fart. I had urgency issues at times before surgery (most likely as a result of my multiple sclerosis) and I still have them now. I don't allow myself the opportunity of an oops... if my body speaks I run. Probably a good thing too
* that I am a much nicer person to be around as a result of Flagyl. My surgeon is dead against me taking an antibiotic on a long term basis. For me it's all about the gas. I could better control it through diet I am sure but I can not afford the time to find out what works and what doesn't. I work with people all day. I want to stay married. Without Flagyl the gas is nothing short of noxious.
* that support is critical through this wild ride called weight loss surgery. My friends, my family, the people I've met online have all been critical to my success. There are too many names to name but thank you... you have all made an impression.

All round it's been an amazing year. A year filled with many more wows than I can share here. A year that's been filled with angst and frustration as my weight has stalled, increased and stalled again. A year where I have learned so much about myself and a year where I discovered I have yet to learn so much more. I am healthier. I am happier. I feel more empowered. I feel more like ME.

Last three days

221...221...220... it's like watching a test pattern.

Why disconnected feels "wrong"

I think I've worked it out. I'm not comfortable with feeling disconnected to my weight loss even though many have said that it is normal because the only other times I've been disconnected is when I put on weight.

I would go for months, sometimes years without weighing myself. I would eat what I want. I played ostrich. My concern is that "this" feels very much like "that".

I need to feel connected. I need to find a way to take control so that my involvement is at a conscious level. I am not yet far enough along in my journey of weightloss or self discovery to allow myself the "luxury" of being disconnected. Disconnected allows me to pretend that it doesn't matter as much. It allows for the feelings to be somewhat muted. It is a familiar pattern of denial. I can't afford that. I don't want that.

So today I take back the reins. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do with them yet... wouldn't it be nice to have a GPS for this type of journey. I would love to hear that fake Aussie accent tell me "recalculating" every time I take a wrong turn. But failing that, I do know that the turn I have taken isn't right for me yet. Now I just need to reposition myself. Recalculating.

Weight Update

Yawn.... 219lbs.

A new experience

Last night we attended parent teacher night at the high school. In the 3 years that Mr 16 has been at the high school this is the first time we have participated. Not because we didn't want to. Because we never received the notification that it was happening. Report cards always came home late if at all. This year we have two at the high school. It is harder for him to hide.

It was an eye opening experiencing. Comments such as

- he doesn't take notes (physics)
- he hasn't handed in any of his labs (physics)
- he has failed 2 of his 3 tests (physics)
- he is the worst student in the class in terms of doing the required work (English)
- I've tried everything and I can't get through to him (English)
- He has not handed in x number of pieces of work (English)
- failed his test and then did not turn up for the retake (computing)
- not motivated (all)

do nothing to warm a parents heart. We have tried everything with this kid. Nothing is working. NOTHING.

I am trying to encourage hubby to keep the emotions out of this in our interaction with Mr 16. It is hard to do. Caring is a bitch. We will be working with him to put in place a recovery plan (he is sitting at 31% for physics). If he fails we will consider changing high schools. Having him live with his mom for the final 1.5 years of school in the hope that a much smaller school environment may be of benefit. I do not want to do this. We don't know what else to do.

Disconnected

It's hard to explain. I feel disconnected from my weight loss journey right now. It is not in any way shape or form a major focus for me. Heck, it's not even a minor focus these days. After 11 months of focusing so closely on it I feel almost lost. I'm not sure what "my role" in this journey is any more.

During the time that I wasn't working I had a lot of time to think and apparently a great deal of that thinking time went to how I lived with the DS. How I was progressing or not. Celebrating the wins. Mourning the bumps along the way. Some might think I was obsessing but I see it more as being engaged. I was driving the journey. Or so I thought.

These days I don't feel like I'm in control. I am not driving the bus. It is operating on remote control. The DS does it's thing and I accommodate where I need to. You need me to go to the bathroom NOW? ok. You need me to eat NOW. ok.

Daily I see my weight go up and down and up. Oh well. I'm not owning it any more. I take my vitamins. I eat my protein. I drink my water. I do it because it's become habit. It is not a focus. I have also developed some bad habits that I am finding harder to let go of but then again I'm not trying too hard because I've lost that sense of wonder. That sense that I am doing something really incredible.

Maybe this is healthy? Maybe I am meant to take a more balanced approach? Maybe. But maybe I have swung too far the other way? Maybe.

Weight Update

Ok... phew...things are moving back down. I'm pretty sure I was 218 something this morning. The fact that I can't remember the exact number shows you how much other stuff I have on my mind right now... the weight is definitely playing a lesser part.

One thing I did notice this morning is how much my face has changed. It looks almost sunken. There are lines and creases where before there was nothing but smooth... fat can be smooth. It's disconcerting. I can only imagine what I will look like in twenty years. Shudder...

OMG I'm the boss

I have been a boss for many of my working years. I have managed people for over 10 years. It is something I am comfortable with and something I believe I get better at over time. I have always been a boss within a much larger organization. With many layers above me.

This time I am the boss of my own little empire with all the challenges and accountability that entails. There are huge expectations of my team. I have a lot of leeway to do what I need to do. I have a large team. Not all the people on my team are the right people. I am listened to. I have to execute. I own the strategy and that part is new.

It has been an amazing four weeks. I am learning a lot. I know today how much I don't know. I love it. I love this organization. It is fast changing. It is people centric. It is growing. I feel like I belong. This is the most exhilarating feeling. I love it. I think about work in the middle of the night. I think about it when I drive. It is always with me. But not in a negative way - I am truly able to create something here and I feel challenged as I have never before. It feels good.

What a gushfest huh? I am so very thankful for this opportunity. Someone was definitely looking out for me.

Frustrated

Again. Yes I know, it happens a lot but I've come to learn that there are degrees of frustration. If frustration had educational merit I'd have earned a Ph. D by now.

Weight 222.6lbs. My weight is going up. Considerably. I am doing all the right things food wise. Me thinks there's more to this than meets the eye. I'm starting to wonder if the IUD has something to do with it? I hope not. That would be so devastating.

Part of my frustration is the timing. My one year anniversary is coming up. At this stage I am going to be heavier than I was last month. I am not liking this at all.

My good friend Mer thinks that lack of exercise is likely a contributing factor. She's probably right in terms of the slower loss I've been experiencing but the weight gain is not so easily explained.

As I type this I am realizing that I am not so much frustrated as I am disappointed. Yes I have come a long way but this is disappointing. This is not what I want for myself. This is not what I was expecting.

Sigh. I have no option but to keep moving forward... that's a commitment I made to myself when I under went this surgery. The 'shine' is definitely off the trophy though. The honeymoon period is over, to borrow another overused cliche. I am now entering the long term marriage phase of living with my DS. The phase where realism sets in and you find a way to make peace with the whole package. The good and the bad. There's no divorcing this baby.

Weight Update

This morning 219.4lbs.

I am putting a certain amount of this down to water weight - I always retain fluid when I fly. I know I did not eat badly while away - if anything I simply did not eat enough. What I did eat was high protein and low carb for the most part. It was a good week.

I did struggle with my water. I was literally in back to back meetings for most of the time I was away so there was no real opportunity for dashing out to get some more water. I need to think about how to plan for this next time... I could feel myself dehydrating.

So we'll see what the scale says in a few days time. I'll have no access to a scale until Monday since we're heading out for a weekend in the Frankenmuth area

Why do you do this?

Why are you so open of yourself in a public forum? This is a question that's been posed to me a couple of times. The reason for blogging I've discussed before. The openness is another question altogether.

The way to obesity is a complicated path. For me it was full of denial, withheld thoughts, inappropriate responses to lifes challenges, failures and success. The road out of obesity is equally as complicated. Weight loss surgery certainly speeds up the process but the need to change behaviour is still there. I share openly, in part, to demonstrate that this is not an easy option.

The fears and insecurities, the inappropriate responses don't magically go away. They are still there. There will still be failures. There will still be times when you feel like you're doing everything wrong. The difference is that WLS gives you a 'soft landing'. It gives you the opportunity to pick yourself up, dust yourself off and continue the journey you've started in a more intelligent way. It gives you time to learn new behaviours.

For example. The last month or so has not been my best from a ""doing the right thing" perspective. I have turned to some old behaviours that could not be described as anything other than self sabotaging. During this period I have not lost any weight but I have also not gained it. During this time I have also come to the realization that I eat the way I have been in reaction to a sense of being overwhelmed. To a sense of feeling inadequate. The 'push over the cliff' for me was starting a new job. I was in a situation where all of a sudden I was on a huge learning curve but feeling the need to perform at the same time. The expectations of me are huge. I was/am afraid that I can't live up to these expectations. Quick let's eat...

I know it doesn't make sense. I know this is not how a rational person reacts. But it is how I am programmed to react. I need to program myself differently and I'm gaining some insight into that. But the bottom line is I share all of this because it is part of my journey. It is not all pretty. It is what it is.

Saggy Baggy Elephant

I remember when I was first learning to read English (I am Dutch by birth) I read a Little Golden Book about the saggy baggy elephant. I don't know why but this story really stuck with me, and while I haven't thought about it in years. It came to mind again not so long ago when I was looking in the mirror. I can really identify with the saggy baggy feeling.

I am saggy and baggy in places you just don't want to be. My legs. Wrinkly saggy butt. Crinkly thighs. My stomach. No real panni but oh boy, the upper abs are a sight to behold with their crinkled puckered lines. I know I'm not painting a pretty picture but you know what, it's not pretty.

Fully clothed I look ok. Naked I don't. It's just the way it is. It is the body of someone who has lost a lot of weight after being obese for a long time. It is the body of a middle age woman (I can't believe I just called myself that!). A woman who let herself 'go'.

Hello from Boston

It is just before 10pm and my eyes are hanging out of my head. It's been a long day. A day that started at 4am to give my body the time to "do its' thing" before the scheduled 5.30am airport shuttle pick up. My flight was at 8.50am. The impact of 9/11 is felt even today in the sheer lead time required to get through customs.

I knew I would likely have to take off my shoes. I did. What I didn't realize that was that I would be asked to take off my suit jacket. I didn't. When I was asked I basically refused. Not because I had anything dangerous or illegal to hide. But because my jacket hides my arms. My bare arms. My bare wrinkly arms. That's right, in our post 9/11 terrorist world I was willing to take on airport security rather than show my arms. They let me through. I will be wearing something different on the way home. Is this about vanity? I don't think so. It is so much more about not being comfortable in my own skin. What was I thinking?

The day was a busy one - full of meeting people and promptly forgetting their names. I am in week 4 of my new job and I'm at the point of pulling together my proposed strategy. It won't be all popular. It won't be all possible. But it will move the organization forward. I am excited and scared at the same time. It's a huge responsibility and peoples lives will ultimately be impacted. I hope it can be a net positive experience all around.

Just had a very nice dinner with the boss and now it's time for bed. I am tired. Tomorrow I need to be on the ball - more people to meet and greet. More decisions to be made. Happy place.

Could this be real?

Weight: 215.8lbs

Holding my breath!

Happy Halloween

For the first time ever I wore a Halloween costume yesterday. My company is very socially oriented so dressing up was part of the norm. I dressed as a volumptuos vampire. I looked pretty hot if I do say so myself!

I had so much fun. I had no idea it could be so liberating to get dressed up and act a little silly. I was tired by the time the day was done though. I had started with a breakfast meeting at 7.30 and didn't stop until 10.50 last night. When all was said and done I felt like a wet noodle.

This Halloween was also significant in that it was my first since surgery. I am not proud to report that I ate candy like a trooper. All day. Back to back meetings with no chance to grab lunch was the culprit that started the downhill slide. From there I never looked back.

Oh well... it's a new day today so time to move forward.

Weight today 218.6lbs. I swear this is going to be my weight forever! Yesterday I glimpsed 217lbs, today it's back to the old fall back position.

Today is another day of back to back meetings... I swear I have no idea how people get work done around here.