Thank you P

P made a comment yesterday that had me thinking all night... why am I complaining when I've lost so much weight in a short period of time? It's a good question and while I'm not sure I have a cohesive answer I sure have lots of random thoughts about this one.

Firstly, for the record, I am very grateful about how far I've come. I feel better. I look better. Yesterday I went down water slides. More importantly I was able to do this without the legs seizing up from carrying 300+ lbs up the stairs. I have come a long way.

But my journey is far from over. And in typical industrialized world fashion my focus is rarely on where I've been, it's on where I am going. We are, as a country, as a generation, very goal oriented. We strive for our goals in an almost obsessive way and we rarely stop to look back at how far we have come. We are not good at celebrating success. We are good at lamenting our short comings. We are good at trying to 'make it happen'.

Random thought number 2. I'm not sure I'm complaining as much as I am sharing my fear. I have a lifetime of dieting history that goes back to my high school days. Earlier if you count the exercising I started in elementary school. A lifetime of doing well. Of stalling. Of faltering. Of failing. There were moments of great success and then many moments of slow but deliberate failures. The failures were generally ignored until one day you reach that moment of 'bottom' that would result in standing on a scale with renewed resolve to diet. So while I have lost a truly significant amount of weight, this is not a new phenomena. What I have not done before is had it stick and what I have not done before is reached my goal weight. Ever. So when I see my weight loss slowing (and don't forget the rearranged anatomy has to be good for at least a couple of pounds above normal weight loss rates) I get scared. It is hard to push aside a lifetime of experience, a lifetime of emotions, a lifetime of fear.

I have 72 lbs to lose before I am safely in the 'normal' range. That's not a small amount of weight. Some reading this would be starting their journey with less amounts to lose. When I see the slow down I am afraid that the 72lbs will never go away. Is this a rational approach? Probably not but I never professed that I was going to be entirely rational in this blog. This approach is merely the result of my past. It is what it is and through writing, through learning from others journeys, and through the feedback/ support I am getting I am working through it.

I am still learning. One of the things that I have learned, and it's something I am very grateful for, is that I am not alone. There is an amazing online community of people who have had this surgery, who have had other surgeries, who are struggling with their own weight demons. They record their journeys and through them I learn that I am not alone. The reason I openly share my frustrations and fears is let others know that they are not alone either. There is amazing power in knowing that someone else knows how you feel. That connecting moment when you think... I know exactly how she feels. I've been there. I am there.

So thank you P. You gave me much to think about and that's not a bad thing.