Shopping

Since I have not worked during a summer as a size 14/mostly 16 person I can honestly say that I have nothing to wear. Nada. Nothing suitable for the warm weather we experienced in the last week or two.

Today after work a colleague, and RNYer, took me to NH to go shopping. The state of no sales tax. Gotta love that. What did I get? Nothing other than discouraged.

First problem is this years style. Baby doll meet peasant chick does nothing for me. I didn't look good in it in the 70's and I certainly don't look good in it now.

Second problem. The boobs. They're too big for all the styles around. I am almost having to go back into plus sizes to have them fit. Not happy.

Third problem. Why put sleeves on a dress/shirt/top if they are not designed to cover even an inch of your arms. My batwings and I were none too happy in those flattering store lights. What the heck is up with that anyway.

Fourth problem. Belts. Why ruin a perfectly good shirt/top with a belt. I have a long body - belts don't work.

Fifth and finally (for now) I seem to have developed a muffin top of mammoth proportions. Does retaining water do this to you? I can see by my legs that I am retaining fluid but my stomach/waist? Heck it was discouraging. For the first time in a long time I felt fat. It wasn't a pleasant feeling and one that I would choose not to revisit often.

On that cheery note, time to find myself something to drink and then put in a few more hours of work. I've just been thrown one hell of a challenge. Not sure how we're going to solve for it yet but it's time to get creative. All I can say is that there had better be one hell of a bonus this year!

Ugh!

Other than packing and doing the taxes I am almost there. Of course, the two really important ones are not done. Go figure!

Ms. 8 is in bed in tears. She's doing the night before "I'm going to miss you" emotional upheaval thingee. She's good. She has a way of grabbing my heart and squeezing it until it's bruised. The sad thing is that this is just a precursor to what is to come in the morning. Nothing like closing the door to a hysterical sobbing mess.

Gotta love being a travelling Mom!

It's the day before

I head off to Boston again.

This trip came a little faster than I would normally plan but we are recruiting for a trainer and given that the manager in the site is struggling I need to be a little more closely involved than I would normally otherwise be.

So the day before means

1. Ensuring that Ms 8 has clothes for all 4 days that I am away
2. Grocery shopping so that they can actually feed themselves...novel concept
3.Doing laundry so that I have clothes
4. Doing my taxes. I have not done them. This is the first year ever that they are not done the week after we get all of our documentation. Since they need to be filed by the end of the month it comes down to today. Now to find all the receipts and forms and.... crap!
5. Tidying the house because my friend comes into clean tomorrow. I don't know how we survive without her
6. Going to the bank so we can pay said friend
7. Going through my capacity plans since I have a 8am meeting while I'm waiting at Buffalo airport.
8. Booking a cab for 5am. My shuttle leaves for Buffalo at 5.30am
9. Packing
10. ..

The list is not done but I'm tired just thinking about it! Time to get this day started I guess. Shower, go to work to empty out some of my inbox, get the dog, take Ms 8 to swimming lessons... that sounds like more of the list... aaaggghhhh!

A change of pace

Last night we went to see Jeff Dunham in Buffalo.

This guy is simply one very funny dude. Last nights show was particularly funny - lots of ad libbing that resulted in some pieces that will no doubt make part of his regular routine. If ever Achmed and Lucky Charms end up in a show together - we saw it first!

We laughed until we cried. Even though it was way too late for Ms 8, and even though Mr 14 screwed up large enough that he didn't go (his choice... that's the screw up), it was a very necessary and very much appreciated couple of hours.

We stayed in Niagara Falls Ontario overnight and this morning spent a few hours schlepping around trashy Clifton Hill before heading to pick up Mr 14 and then to home. I am now dead tired (we didn't get back to the hotel room until 1.30am... of course my DS got me up at 6.30am) but very happy to have done it.

If you ever get the chance, google Jeff Dunham. There are lots of videos out there... just a very funny and sick man. Gotta love that.

It's like someone threw a handful of rice in the right side of your body

That's what the oncologist told her.

The original cancer has not grown but there are a handful of new cancers. They are stopping chemo since it clearly was ineffective at stopping this from occurring. The next appointment will be about palliative care. She didn't want to talk about it today since it's her birthday.

This blog will not become about my Mum's last journey other than where if forms a significant part of mine.

For those of you that have reached out to me... thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Mum's CA19-9

In two weeks the cancer count has more than doubled to 2539. This is not good. It's typical of the exponential growth that goes with active tumour growth. She is having a scan today and then visits the oncologist tomorrow.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

This is my worst nightmare. When I made the choice to leave Australia 13 years ago my parents were young and healthy. In the back of my mind however I always had the "what if" question. What if something went wrong? What if one something happened to either my parents or my sisters? What if?

Well that what if is happening now. I feel helpless. I know I couldn't change anything if I was there but being so far away means that I can't be there to support either of my parents through what will inevitably come.

And what will come? Pain. Lots of it as the tumours grow and press on nerve endings. Weakness. Death. For mum it'll mean the physical erosion of who she is today. It'll mean the mental anguish of leaving behind her husband who she knows will face his own challenges in the not too distant future. It means the sadness of knowing you will never see your children or grandchildren again. This is what I find hardest. I look at Ms 8 and cannot imagine the pain of not ever seeing her again. Even typing it I feel a tight grip on my heart. It's that physical. I know that's how Mum feels about us.

Can you imagine what she's going through. She, like us, has known about this for a couple of years now but even through all the chemo it has never seemed fully real. Her cancer count was stable for a long time. Now there is no denying. She must be going through all those emotions that she felt when she first heard the C word.

I'm not a praying person but I hope that if there is a god that he has mercy on her. That he makes her final journey a quick one. As comfortable as she can be.

I know this is a morbid post but I need to type it out. I am not ready to talk it out yet. The words are too hard to say. I'm going to put Ms 8 to bed and then I'm going to call Mum. I need to hear her voice.

A happy post

I've shared some of my work trials and tribulations here but tonight I had some great news. I have worked, with my quality manager, to put together a proposal as to how we would deal with quality going forward. That proposal was put forward to our major partner and they accepted it. Not only did they accept it but they want to use it as a model for all their other partners/vendors. It's a huge departure from how we do things now. It focuses our entire effort on truly shifting the performance of the business.

This is huge for us as a business and it's a major win for me so early into my tenure with the business. I am very very excited!

I knew it was coming

But I really hoped that it would not. My Mum's cancer is changing. She is losing weight. She has had diarrhoea for about 8 weeks. Her cancer count (CA19-9) has more than doubled from 500 to 1200. The first two are typical symptoms of pancreatic cancer. The last is too. It's not so much about the pure number as it is about the rapid change. Things are definitely changing. I don't think she understands the true implications but I do. She has a specialist appointment next Tuesday - hopefully we'll have an informed opinion then.

Mum has already defied all odds. She has had a good quality of life for the past 2.5years. Very few (less than 10%) with inoperable cancer make it to this point. I guess I should be grateful. I am but I am also a little angry. I am not ready for this. I was ready for this when she was first diagnosed. I am not ready for this now. I guess the last few years has lulled me into a false sense of security. It's particularly easy since I live so far away.

This just bites. I may be 42 years old but I am not ready to lose my mother.

The Rose Coloured Glasses Are Off.

It's hard to believe that another week has gone by. This morning I am sitting in my hotel room in Boston, Starbucks in hand, getting ready for my journey home. I am ready to go home. It's been quite the week. The rose coloured glasses are off. Perspective has set in. Nothing like a little perspective to slap you around. What I have learned this week

1. that people are not always what they seem. Sounds like a no brainer right? I have always prided myself on being a very good reader of people. I am highly intuitive and over the years have learned to trust my intuition. In the euphoria of working in a 'principled' company I made the mistake of assuming that everyone operates from a place of good intent. I was wrong.

2. Game playing is present at every organization. Sometimes you need to find the room at the back of the store with a guy called Bubba guarding it. But look hard enough and it'll be there. This week I ran into Bubba full force.

3. I have little tolerance for the games. I have no time for it. Literally. My day/week/month is a fine balance of double and triple booked meetings. I don't have time for the basics let alone games of cloak and dagger.

4. There are some very principled people in my peer group. I am very grateful to have them on my team.

5. That managing remotely when things are not working well sucks. I can't "see" what's going on. My teams in Boston and Chelmsford are not in a good place. It's a management issue. I am going to be called hatchet woman before my time is over.

6. I need to put me first. This probably was my biggest light bulb moment...courtesy of sitting in a hotel room alone last night after what can only be described as a long long week. I have fallen into an old behavioural trap of trying to be all things to all people. My job is complex. I inherited a hornets nest. The company is poised for incredible growth. I am involved in a lot of the foundation building. But. no. BUT. I am not eating well. I am not sleeping enough. I am stretching myself too thin and as a result not doing things as well as I would like to. All of these things will bite me in the butt. It's time to get my priorities sorted out. I need to better manage expectations, largely my own. I need to put my hand up for help. I don't do that well.

7. I need my family. They ground me. As much as the boys drive me absolutely freakin' batty they provide me with a counter balance. They have also given me a lot of insight into some of the performance issues I'm dealing with at work. I miss my husband when I'm away. I don't speak of him often but I miss the companionship. I miss hearing about his day. I miss our conversations. This was a good learning for me. We've been together for 11 years and not all of those years have been great ones. It's comforting to know that the person I made a life comittment to is someone I still want to be with. And then there's Ms 8. What can I say - she is a part of me that I will always treasure. She keeps the world sane for me. When I look at her I *know* I have capacity for great good.

8. I have grown immensely as a person. I have never dealt with conflict well. It was one of the things that contributed to my obesity. This week I have dealt with much conflict. Head on. Tough conversations about responsibility, accountability, and shooting yourself in the foot. And while there may have been a chocolate bar or two involved the world didn't fall down. The messages were actually well received by the recipients. Hmmm. Didn't know that was possible.

9. I am a moron. I have been squandering away the gift of the DS by reverting back to old coping mechanisms. I just shake my head. How can a smart person be so stupid? Quite easily apparently. I have no one to blame but myself.

So it's been a week of learnings. Both big and small. Mostly big. My brain is full. I am through and through tired. But I am hopeful. Knowing the true lay of the land is key to building a foundation that will handle the tremors. I am in a much better position to build the right foundation. It's going to be a long haul but the potential is incredibly promising. Even without the rose coloured glasses.

Weight Update

219.6lbs

I could have just posted " see last Thursday"...

Life is nothing if not interesting

Ok. I'm developing a reputation. When I book meetings at short notice people are checking the invitee list. No I didn't fire anyone. I was working on it but she quit. Last night after a rather harrowing day she handed in her resignation.

As much as I feel for her personally, because this is simply an ugly time for her, I am glad she made the decision. It allows her to leave with some dignity. It allows me to move quickly into damage control. And quite frankly, it has just saved me a bucket load of work.

So today was the day of communication. Letting her peer group know. Letting the team know. Letting the powers that be know. It was a sad day because not one person shared their regrets. Not one person wished her well. It was very telling. It was bitter sweet.

Now it's time to move onto plan B. I have someone in mind for the role. It'll be a stretch but he is so the right person for the job. He's a natural coach. He buys into the concept of positively impacting performance. He gets it. I hope he wants it. It's such an exciting time for this team - we are getting ready to redefine the role they play in the business. It's all good. I am hoping that this will be a fresh start for many of them. They need it. I need them to put the crap behind them and move on. One door closes and a window opens right?

The next two weeks will be interesting as we set in place contingency plans. Her last day is Friday the 11th.