Starving

Today I am being a good little DSer and taking the currently not shrinking butt to my Dr to get all the wonderful things I need (Iron, Flagyl) and a requisition for my blood work. I will then dutifully give up my arm to the female vampire downstairs.

Problem is that my appointment is at 10am. Assuming she is running on time the earliest I'm going to be able to eat is 10.45am. The thought of this alone is making my stomach gurgle and rumble in its tell-tale "feed me" way.

I tend to consume a large portion of my food in the mornings. Not sure why other than this is the time I am most hungry. To delay is going to really mess this body up.

I am so hungry right now!

Happy Mothers Day

This year Mothers day is confusing, it is such a mix of happy and sad.

Happy because I am a Mom to a wonderful 8 year old who still believes that I am the best thing since sliced bread. She is sweet, sassy, smart as all heck. She is the reason I understand the full depth of mothers days. I will be forever grateful that she is part of my life. She is the reason I get called "mom".

Sad because this will be the last one I get to say "happy mothers day" to my mom. Well, I tried to say it but ended up leaving a voicemail on my sisters machine... the time zones just didn't work this time around. So sad because distance and time means that I will not get to say those words again.

Happy and sad. I've been step-mom to the boys for 12 years. They were the sweetest, cutest kids you could have ever met. Things change. I've changed. They've changed. The relationships are tough ones. Things are getting better with Mr 17. If you can get past the way too many words there's a decent young man in there. Mr 14 is rude, disrespectful and self serving. What more can I say.

Birthday Update

After my major whine earlier this week I feel the need to update, it's only fair to the people involved.

Hubby came through like a trouper. They picked me up from work Wednesday night and took me out for dinner. Ms 8 was so excited - she loves to do things for me. My birthday is as much about her as it is about me. She knows how much I love spending my downtime reading Oprah while enjoying my favourite Starbucks, so they got me a two year subscription. They also got me a beautiful Azalea plant which is now gracing the previously leaf encrusted brown patch leading up to our front door.

It truly was not about the gifts. For me it's about the thought. On Wednesday they showed me that they had the ability to think and it was all good.

But the real gift for me was the one that hubby gave me. He opened up and vocalized what I had known, and blogged about, for a while. He was afraid that I had nothing that was just for me and in seeing that, he found it hard to get something that was truly just for me that was also meaningful...to me. He's always been about meaningful gifts - at Christmas he puts me to shame. Hearing it come from someone else was a real gift. It almost made it ok to feel the way that I had been. It made it feel less selfish.

I now need to do something about it. And I will. When I find time. And I will.

I ran!

OMG I ran! One foot in front of the other. There was no disputing it, it was a run. Mind you it was only 200 meters or so, in response to a crying child who had fallen rather heavily ahead of us. But it was a run. And you know what. It didn't hurt. I wasn't puffed. There was no difference as if I had walked. No difference that is, other than *knowing* I ran. Holy crap!

I know that this is an eye rolling post for some but this is truly significant for me. I don't like to exercise. I hold myself back because I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. When I was diagnosed with MS I help back even more because I didn't want to trigger an attack (misguided but there you have it). But what I discovered tonight is that I do not need to hold myself back. I can do it.

So there we were, crying Ms 8 holding her grazed hand, blood dripping from her arm and angry red scratches on her leg, walking home and me feeling like I'm on cloud 9 because I ran... how cool is that! I wonder what else I'm capable of?

This mornings weight: 220.6lbs

Weight Update

221lbs.

Today I focussed on my water and lessening my carbs. Notice I didn't say restricting carbs. I am not quite ready to do that.

Each day I will cut back a little more while increasing my protein intake. Today was ok - my danger period came at around 2pm. The lack of sleep last night and the lack of sugar was definitely taking it's toll. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Happy Birthday to Me...

Forty-three years ago I came into the world kicking and screaming... the first child of an 18 year old mother and a 23 year old father.

I was born at home, as was the custom back then in Holland, with only a mid wife in attendance. Dad was at sea as part of the merchant marines.

From my mother I inherited my resilience, my stubbornness and my empathy. From my father I inherited my height, my brains and my glass is half full approach to life. From both I inherited a desire to do well. That comes of being an immigrant child of working class parents.

I have a lot to be grateful for. My parents set the stage for the person I am today.

So... having said all that, please forgive the whine that is about to follow. It is a full on one. I need to get it out of my system.

My birthday has sucked. Second year in a row that it's been a complete waste of time. Last year on the 5th I fell and hurt my arm. I was in a sling for my birthday. As a result of being at the hospital noone had time to go shopping for me.

This year no falls but last night Mr 14 was the ass from hell. He completely ruined the night for us all. This morning no "happy birthday" from the boys. No gift.

Hubby feels horrible. Part of the challenge for him is that he simply does not know what to get me. He said tonight at dinner that he has lost touch with who I am. I can't blame him because so have I. My life currently consists of work, home, children and Starbucks. That's it. There is no time for me. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. But that's not an issue because there simply is no time.

How freakin' sad is that? How can you make a life with a spouse who has no life. How can you share interests when they have no interests to share? This has upset us both. Not fighting upset, just sad upset.

Happy birthday to me... who ever me is...

Blue

Today I'm feeling a little blue.

My hubby has always said that my birthday, anyone's birthday other than those of his children, is not significant to him. He believes that a birthday is a celebration between a child and it's parent. They celebrate because that date is truly meaningful for them.

I'd never given his philosophy a lot of thought until today. What about all those children who don't know who their parents are? What about those children/people who are estranged from their parents? What about those people whose parents passed away before them? Each of these people now have at least one less person with which to celebrate this birthday. Some would not, by hubby's definition, have anyone other than themselves who would feel that this day was truly significant. I find that sad. This year it means more for me because in all likelihood it is the last one that I can expect to receive a call from my Mum to wish me a happy birthday. Who will call next year?

Hubby is a good man. He believes that the special anniversaries in our lives are the things that are significant to him. But he truly doesn't know how lonely his thoughts have made me feel today.

Am I done?

This is a question I've asked myself a number of times. My body has found a comfortable spot that averages out at around 222lbs. At this weight I can eat pretty much what I want, with a focus on protein of course, and there is little up or down movement.

So the question that I have to ask myself is... am I done? Is this the weight that I can live with? Is this the weight that is most comfortable for me?

It is comfortable in that I haven't had to try very hard. I can allow for it to not be a focus in my life and that is very comfortable. I don't stand out in the crowd as the "fat lady" neither do I stand out in the crowd as the "hottie". I don't stand out. And that is comfortable. And I wonder if that is what is going to decide whether I'm done... comfort?

The alternative means I have to act like a normal person trying to lose those last "few" pounds (in my case 40 - 60lbs). It means restricting those things that I know not to be helpful ie simple carbohydrates which I absorb at 100%. It means eating more protein since I only absorb 50% of that. It means eating a good share of fat (20% absorption). It means exercising. It means drinking much more water than I have been.

What's holding me back? My fear of dieting. It's something I have consistently failed at for 30+ years. That's a truck load of failure. Part of the trouble is that dieting was always so overwhelming... I had such a long way to go and when it slowed or didn't work it was nothing short of devastating. I think what I have not got my head around yet is the fact that I do NOT have that far to go. I could probably do this in 6 months with a little effort. This is foreign to me. I am truly in uncharted territory has far as my weight loss is concerned.

So my plan, and yes I do have one, is for a period of one month only, is to go back to the very basics.

- No pop... even the diet stuff I drink could be holding me back
- lower carbs to about 70 - 100 grams per day. This will allow for some flexibility and keep me from a sense of deprivation
- increase protein to 150grams per day
- 30 minutes of exercise 5 times per week
- track food daily
- blog progress daily (I'll keep it short)

I want to see whether my body still has the ability to lose weight or whether I have truly reached the weight I'm meant to be. I can live this weight but I can't live with not knowing whether I was capable of more. I can't live with the sense that I am holding myself back because of a stackload of baggage that I am not yet prepared to explore.

I have had some major success in my working life getting through some baggage (like the inability to deal with conflict), and now I would like to see if I can transfer that to my personal life. Weight loss surgery was never about being the easy way out, I don't want "settling" for a weight to be about the easy way out either.

Does that make any sense?

Eating Habits

Let's face it. Most of didn't get fat because of a thyroid problem. Most of us didn't get fat because our metabolism was screwed up... well, before we screwed up our own metabolisms with our yo yo dieting. Most of us didn't wake up one morning, look in the mirror and discover that we were 100lbs heavier than the day before. Most of us got fat because of our eating habits. Eating too much. Eating the wrong foods. Eating at the wrong time. Or a combination of these and a bevy of many more potential factors.

I got fat because:

1. I make poor choices. I choose the fat/sugar over the fruit/vegetables
2. I eat emotionally. I never learned how to deal with my emotions and so I would suppress them. With food.
3. Comfort. Tied in with 2. If I was upset, scared, tired (insert feeling) food represented a "safe" way to connect with a sense of comfort and well being. I mean, how could you not feel good with a piece of chocolate in your mouth?
4. Portion size. This was a mixed bag for me. My meals were not typically huge but they were larger than I needed. My problem was more with snack sizes. There is no such thing as a handful of Pringles. There was only ever a container!
5. Lack of exercise. I ate more calories than I needed. I didn't exercise. I yo yo dieted. I screwed up my own metabolism to the point that it never knows whether it's coming or going.

Then along comes the magic of weight loss surgery. The restrictive portion of the Duodenal Switch and a healthy fear of consequences means that initially a lot of the above is dealt with. You make good choices because the fear of not doing so outweighs the memory of the taste of the other stuff. You eat less simply because you can not eat more. You introduce some exercise because you are scared of the blood clots.

Over time though, your stomach stretches closer to a normal size. You can eat more. I do. Your body learns to handle all types of food better. It has. I can eat most things without too many negative consequences.

Knowing this - I have now discovered that all of those things that made me fat still exist. I still eat emotionally (although far less than before... we have progress). I still make bad choices. Yes I eat from the vending machine too often but I could choose the yoghurt over the chips. I choose not to. I still use food as a comfort source.

The moral of the story: Surgery does not alter the reason you were fat. It allows you to stop the cycle but unless you can address the underlying issues you will always struggle with reaching goal weight and/or with feeling good about yourself. Surgery is the gift that allows you to get rid of a bunch of layers. For most of us it doesn't/ can't stop there.