Reality

I had been wondering when reality would hit. I have not had a major case of the jitters, I have not been overly stressed or weepy (other than what has been caused by other factors). I had started to wonder whether I was simply in denial - not dealing with the fact that in just a few short days I would be having life altering surgery.

Last night a little bit of reality crept in. While snuggling with my daughter as we enjoyed a family night of watching Polar Express, the reality hit me - I would not see her for 10 days. For 10 days I will not feel her snuggling on my lap first thing in the morning and last thing in the evening. There will be no bed time routine, tucking her in and saying our little poem to ward off the bad dreams. There will be no sharing her trials and tribulations as she tends to do when she's had a nice warm shower and we're getting ready for our day.

I will miss her testing for her orange belt. I will miss her being in the local Santa Claus parade. And while this surgery will allow me to not miss things that I might other wise have missed - I will miss these things. I will miss her. With every fibre of my being I will miss her.

Friends

Some people are good friends and some people are lousy ones. I happen to fall into the latter category. I don't do enough to let my friends know how much I care. When I'm busy or stressed I tend to go into 'cave man' mode. I shut down all parts of my life other than the one I have to deal with right then and there. At work I shut down my family life, at home I shut down my work life, and when I'm busy shutting down sometimes I forget to open back up when I need to... my friends suffer the most. I'm notoriously bad at responding back to emails immediately. It's not that I don't want to respond. In fact it's largely a matter of how I manage my inbox - I get so many emails at work that I put all of the incoming into a folder that I'm meant to go back to... and then I get busy and don't. So many emails have got stuck there... so many friends.

I am lucky to have in my life some very good friends - people who keep caring.

Eight years ago when pregnant with my daughter I found a forum on I-Village for people expecting children in July 1999. Through that forum, and it's many moves to other boards, through splinters because of disagreements etc, I have met a bunch of wonderful people. People whom I do not let know how much they have meant to me. These are the people who, when I was diagnosed with MS, arranged for a fantastic gift basket to be delivered to my door. These are the folks who, through marriage troubles and parental illness, have reached out and held me up. These are the people who I turn to first because in many ways they know me best. There was never any need to do things for appearance sake. Over the years I have met many in person, and all have made an impression, but let me tell you about two special folks.

These friends recently opened their home to us when I went for my initial consult with Dr L. We hadn't seen them for two years, when they last visited us, but it felt comfortable. We were able to connect again as we would had we seen each other a month ago. I like them both - I met them through their passion for their 7 year old son. Over the years they have shopped for me, allowed me to use their home as an extension of UPS when US sites did not deliver to Canada, we have met them in Chatham for a fun weekend with our kids, they joined us for my daughters' 5th birthday and the days around (one day I'll blog about the raccoon incident...I'm so glad they were there to share that!) and the list goes on. But it is their most recent act of friendship that brought me to my blog today.

On Thursday I am going to have the largest surgery of my life. My plumbing will be completely reworked and I will basically have to learn how eat again. I will be in hospital for 3 - 4 days after which they have graciously allowed me to come stay with them. This is a huge in so many ways. Firstly, it means that I will have someone around should something go wrong. I'm not expecting it to but you never know. By them opening up their home it means that my husband can go back to our home to be with the kids... that's important to me. Secondly, it brought home to me what true friendship is about. Post surgery may not necessarily be pretty but they will be there for me anyway. I will be forever grateful.

One of my goals is to be more like them. To be more thoughtful and open in my friendships. To always be able to extend that helping hand when someone is reaching for it.

Thank you friends... I am so excited to be seeing you in just a few short days.

Winding Down

I busted my butt last week trying to ensure that I would be leaving my job in a relatively stable position... I did such a good job that I'm going to be able to leave a day earlier than expected. Tomorrow will be my last day. My team know what they need to do till I come back so we're in good shape.

I'm excited. I'm starting to get ready for the surgery - buying things I'll need, making sure everything is manageable at home, and just making arrangements. I'm doing lasts... last Indian meal will be tomorrow, last Frappuccino was yesterday... exciting lasts.

I'm planning for when I come home. I'm going to feel like crap for about three weeks. After that it should get easier so in many ways it'll be like a mini vacation. Throw in the fact that the family is going to have to help with the housework I'm going to be loving the time off! I'm most looking forward seeing the production "Wicked" with my 7 year old on Dec 20th. This is our makeup event for all the time that we're going to miss at the beginning of the month. I am going to take her out of school for the day, we'll travel to Toronto by train, do lunch and then catch a show. I am so so looking forward to it.

Before that day though there's a lot going on.

This weekend will be a "clean the house cause the mother-in-law is staying over" weekend. Monday last minute errands. Tuesday we'll be attending my daughters soccer academy between 5 and 6pm and then heading out at around 8pm... which should get us in Michigan at about 1am. 8am I meet with the surgeon. After that I get to do the infamous bowel prep. Let's just say it feels like someone has shoved their arm up your butt and is scraping you clean with a carving knife! I am not looking forward to that! And then on Thursday we have DS day.

DS day will be huge. It's the start of a new life.

After the hospital I will be staying with friends but that deserves a post all by itself.

We talked

A lot. We talked like we never have before. I'm not sure where we go next but we did talk. He does not want to end the marriage - he just didn't see any other way out. I've been there before, the difference is I kept it to myself until the moment passed. Right now it's going to have to be baby steps - I'm not sure how this is all going to end.

I'm glad we talked.

Avoidance

When I'm not eating well I avoid the scale. Apparently when life is out of control I avoid recording it. I have been neglectful of this blog - of recording what it bothering me and maybe coming to terms with it. In other words, maybe if I don't say it it won't be true.

This avoidance strategy is what allows me to cope. With so much going on in my world right now I need to be able to compartmentalize each element in order to survive. If for a second I thought about the enormity of what I am facing as a whole I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope. That I would lose myself completely.

Meladramatic... maybe. Very real... definitely.

Last week my husband let me know that he wanted out of the marriage. He can't deal with the conflict. Not ours but the conflict I have with the boys. He holds me responsible for not giving up on the 13year old and sending him back to his Mom... he is/was the main driver of the conflict.

This is not the first time that my husband has done this - in fact it is the fourth during our time together. This time I am not fighting it. The thought of having my daughter away from me while she spends time with her dad makes me sick to my stomach. But she loves her dad and I am not willing to sacrifice that. Every kid needs to be loved by and interact with both parents, all other things being equal.

We are doing nothing until the school year ends. He's sleeping on the sofa. I am sleeping alone. He will support me through my surgery and recovery. Then we'll make plans.

Me - when I allow myself to think about it, it makes me sad. Not because I will be losing a husband, I think I lost him a long time ago, but because the kids will be losing a family. I have seen the havoc that this has played with the boys. The animosity between their mom and dad. Pulling the boys into it. The nastiness. I do not want them to go through it again, and I definitely do not want my daughter to go through that...ever.

I will not bad mouth her dad in front of her, I will not have her carry my messages to him, I will not make her feel bad because of my perception of any shortcomings I may feel that her dad has. I will not destroy her little world any further than the destruction that a separation and divorce will bring.

So there you have it... and yes it does make it more real by writing it. I am looking at this as a new beginning. If I am to be lonely then I would rather do it when I'm alone. There is nothing quite as sad as being lonely when you're with someone. I will be ok. I am ok. My concern and my focus is on my daughter. I am strong enough to get through this for me. I need to be strong enough so that she can come through this secure in the knowledge that she is loved and supported.

New beginnings can be scary, exciting, sad, overwhelming, refreshing and hopeful. My life's path is taking me on a journey that is all those things. I am hopeful. Hopeful that I can find a level of good health, hopeful that I can protect my daughter, hopeful that we all find the happiness we deserve. I want this for my husband, for the boys, for my daughter and for me.

Dad

Good news - Dad is home! The dr's have basically decided that there is nothing more they can do surgically and that a change of scenery would probably help him in his recovery.

The disturbing news - I spoke with him last night and for the first time ever he sounded old. My Dad is only 63 and he has never sounded old. Last night the tone of old age could be heard reverberating loud and clear in his voice. It really took me by surprise.

Get better soon Dad - I really want you to be able to enjoy your upcoming retirement.

New Beginnings

New beginnings come to us in so many ways.

New beginnings can come out of gain - such as an inheritance, a lottery win or a new job
New beginnings can come out of loss - such as a marriage falling apart, a family broken, a death
New beginnings can come out of help - such as surgery paid for by OHIP, someone reaching out and providing an emotional connection, a child holding you tight in your sorrow
New beginnings can come out of emotions - emotions withheld, emotions reclaimed, anger, sorrow, joy
New beginnings can be frightening - fear of the unknown, fear of success, fear of failure, fear of pain, fear of hurt - being hurt and hurting
New beginnings can be exciting - lives reclaimed, doors opened, dreams revived

My life is on the verge of new beginnings.

I am scared, sad, happy, excited. It will be interesting to see where my path leads me over the next 12 months. All indications are that it's going to be quite the ride. I hope I have the strength to protect and nourish my daughter so that through the ride and through the changes she maintains her sense of security and her wonderful sense of self. Together we will embrace the new beginnings that come our way. No matter how they cross our paths.

Why is this so hard?

On the 23rd of October I made a commitment to lose 10 -15 lbs by surgery. I started off great - the weight just fell off the first week and then it stopped. I have followed all the rules, I have denied myself anything with sugar or artificial sweetener. I have eaten protein first, I have consumed water till I felt like it was going to pour out of my ears should I bend over, I have done everything. My weight is still the same as it was 2.5weeks ago.

The frustration is borne out of fear. What if I simply can't lose weight. What if I go through this massive surgery only to find that it didn't work for me? Part of me knows that this is irrational but part of me looks at the scale and thinks... what if...

Why is it so hard for me to lose weight? Why do I have to deny myself all the things I like just to remain stable? Instant gratification is a part of the weight loss game that is so important to those of us that have so much weight to lose. We need the feedback that what we're doing is working, we need to see progress to justify doing it just one more day, one more week, one more month, one more year. This is how it works for me. I need to see progress. I need encouragement and the scale is the only encouragement I readily have access to.

Secrets

This week I got caught out in a secret. A secret I didn't intend to have but in the act of omission, of silence I did in fact have.

This blog, for me, is a place where I can put words behind the myriad of thoughts that sometimes fly through my head. It's a place where I put weight behind those thoughts and have the opportunity to look at them as a stranger would. It's a place where I am trying to understand my weight issues, and I have just a few of those! It's a place I can find a release in a way that adds no calories. It's my thinking place.

The fact that sometimes I reach a reader in a very real way brings me incredible joy. It's like I have a soul mate, someone who understands what I'm thinking or feeling only because they too have experienced those same feelings.

I have a friend in California who over the years has struggled with her weight in the same way that I have. Some time in the last week she reached out to me... at an email address that I no longer use. On Friday my husband forwarded me that email. His note... your blog???????

Yep - my husband did not know that I had a blog... he does now. And that's ok. It really wasn't an intentional secret, it was something I just did. Usually in the evening as my daughter fell asleep or just before I went to bed. Before he was ready for bed.

I laughed when I got the forwarded email, at home, at work, on my cell. I guess he wanted me to get that message (to which I still need to reply...and I will friend). But you know, I wonder if it bothered him? It's like I have some secret life that he is not privy to. My husband is a very logical person - I'm not sure he would want to read some of the stuff I put in here. The inside of my head is far from a logical place, in fact it can get down right messy. Being who he is I know he would want to help me, to fix what was broken. But I'm not here for a fix. I do this to understand and then move on. It's just as much about moving on as it is anything else.

I told hubby if he wants the link he can have it. I don't mind sharing.

Lest we Forget

As I stood in the rain at city hall yesterday, mourning the loss of the young lives who fought for the freedom we hold so dear to our hearts, I mourned too for the young lives of today.

We have gained so much since those young men, and I say men because until recently women were largely supporting the war efforts many miles away from the war arena. We no longer live in a world of hardship - we have medical care that allows us a longer life than ever before, we have all the modern conveniences we could want to take the hardships out of daily living and through technology we have made the world smaller, we understand and see more than our fore fathers.

And yet, we have lost. We have lost our sense of responsibility or selflessness for the greater good. As a people we have become more selfish. As a generation we have forgotten how to give back. How many of us, how many of our children would be willing to lay their life down for the good of our country? How many of us truly appreciate the freedoms we have that we would be willing to die for them? I don't think we do appreciate or value what we have... we simply expect it.

I look at my children and whilst I would never want them to have to risk their lives in a war, I mourn the sense of selflessness they will never know.

My tears mixed with the rain as I looked at the red eyed men in their old war time uniforms. As they mourned their lost friends and comrades, I mourned with them.

Jingle Bells Jingle Bells

Now I know that many people would want to smack me right now but ya know, I don't care! Because of the timing of my surgery I get to decorate my house early. I get to finish all my Christmas shopping and Christmas planning so come the second week of December when everyone else is going crazy I'll be sitting in my living room enjoying the satisfaction of being done as I view my festive surrounds! Insert one evil laugh and a wicked dose of superiority!

Seriously though, I love Christmas. I love the whole thing of coming up with meaningful gifts, of the house looking so cheery and warm, and of feeding the family a meal that they'll be talking about until next Christmas. But you know what I like about this Christmas most of all? Well, losing weight would have to be first but besides that? Not having my in-laws buy me clothes! I know they mean well but I think it is safe to say that I have not worn one item they've purchased for me over the years. Just not my style. This year they've been put on notice... do not buy me clothes. They will not fit! What a great Christmas present that will be.

November 30th, 7.30am

That's right I have my surgery date!

On November 30th Dr.L. will be performing his little bit of magic and I will awaken a switched person. I am very excited to have a date. Now I have a target to work towards, priorities to set, all that fun stuff. It's hard to believe that I am a little under four weeks away from being given a powerful tool to help me in my quest to attain what has seemed so elusive...health.

Moving Too Fast

Even as the world turns on its' axis, spinning us through our daily lives, I believe we too spin on our own axis. Spinning a little faster when life demands more of us and slowing down as the pressures ease, but always spinning. Sometimes spinning towards our goals, sometimes spinning away, and at times feeling like we're spinning in one spot. These are the moments where we pause, exhausted from having exerted a monumental amount of energy only to realize we've circled back to the same spot we've been in all along.

I didn't realize how fast I'd been spinning until today when sitting in Starbucks, a grande green tea in hand, I felt myself relax. Not totally but enough to momentarily not feel the chest and upper back pain that had been noticeably present all day. Enough to feel my shoulders lower an inch or two. Enough to lose myself in the music that played a little too loudly. It allowed me not to think. To just be.

I haven't been able to do this in a very long time, relax that is. My world has been spinning way too fast and I haven't had the energy or awareness to get off and stand still.

What's causing this frantic, endless spin?

1. A father in hospital having undergone his third surgery in three weeks. A father who is deeply depressed. A father who is unable to eat - scar tissue is blocking his intestines and not letting food through. They will not try to remove it. A father with whom I am just beginning to rebuild a relationship after many years of indifference. A father who lives on the other side of the world

2. A mother who has an unknown amount of time left. A mother who, even as she deals with her own chemotherapy, is having to look after Dad and run the business. A business she withdrew from as she became ill. A mother who holds our small dysfunctional family together.

3. A teenage son. A son who cares for no one but himself. A son who manipulates his way into being give 2nd, 3rd, 4th...1001st chances only to let me down. A son who has made me realize that I am not as capable or emotionally stable as I always prided myself to be. He brings out my best (compassion) and worst. I care too much. It causes me nothing but stress. I can no longer find joy in this child. It me makes me ashamed.

4. My upcoming surgery. I'm obsessed. I'm excited. I'm stressed at what may lie beyond surgery. Will I have the emotional fortitude to cope with life's challenges without being able to self medicate with food?

These are the biggies - add in the normal process of life like getting all kids to where the need to be, feeding a family, being a wife and a valued employee etc. I feel like the world is spinning out of control.

Taking this unplanned break by myself has made me realize how important ME time is. No apologies for taking time for myself. A chance to reflect, refresh and relax.

My goal for this month: build and protect me ME time in my life.

Comparisons

As a society we spend a great deal of time on comparisons. We use comparisons to make order of our hectic lives and use it as an assessment tool of our performance. We are driven and we use comparisons for a self evaluation – it’s a form of instant feedback.

Think about it, we judge

- how well our kids are doing by comparing them to their peers and their siblings at the same age
- how well we are doing at work by comparing the size of our office, the size of our bonus, the number of extra projects you are invited to participate in against those of our work place peers
- how well we are doing financially by the cars we drive, by the houses and neighbourhoods we live in, by the vacations we take and by the things we have.

We can only work out our relative place in the big scheme of things by comparing.

We all do it. It’s almost impossible not to but what it does mean is that we can never truly enjoy what we have or what we do or our accomplishments for how they make us feel. No outside influence to measure it against.

I noticed this because I have been visiting a great website called www.obesityhelp.com It’s a website for all types of weight loss – surgical or otherwise. I frequent the Duodenal Switch forum as part of my learning to live as a DS’er. Daily I read the wonderful success stories of woman and men who have made the life changing decision to take control of their obesity. Each story is different – the challenges, the successes, the losses. But even so I compare. I look at their surgery dates and I look at their weight loss and I compare – who’s losing quickly, who is losing slower. Why is there a difference? Is there anything I can learn so that I can help myself be a quick loser? That sort of thing.

I know that I am not alone. I read stories of people who are disappointed about their weight loss. Not because they are unhappy to have forever lost that 10, 20, 30, 40, 50, 60lbs they’ve lost so far but because they know that someone out there has done it faster, quicker, “better”.

And I know that’s exactly what I’ll be doing once I’ve had my surgery. Comparing myself to others. Partly as a marker to see if I’m on track so I know whether I have an issue that I will need to speak to my surgeon about. Partly because, like every one else, I want to be a “wow” story.

What I really want to do is enjoy the journey. I know I will compare, to say I won’t would end up being a lie. But what I would like to do more is focus on each and every lb that I lose as being a step towards good health. My good health. No matter how much anyone else loses it doesn’t impact my health. I want to focus on celebrating the successes and not just the weight loss ones.

For me this will largely be a journey of renegotiating my parameters and of learning new ways to deal with life both good and bad. Every time I do so successfully, I am going to try and consciously give myself a pat on the back. On the weekend when I chose writing over fudge… pat on the back. It’s a coping skill and one which has hugely positive ramifications for my health and happiness. Halloween, not one candy eaten nor craved. Pat on the back. That took self control and the ability to remember the end goal. I am not good at that so small steps need to be celebrated.

Comparisons allow us to make order of our world, celebrating our successes for what they are sans comparisons will help make our world a happier one for ourselves.