Broken Pieces

I'm sitting here with the broken pieces of my vacation around me.

Last night hubby announced that he was not coming with us. He needs to stay home to destress - he can not do that with the family around. I'm to take the kids to Ohio by myself.

Talk about grabbing my heart and wrenching it from it's moorings. I had so been looking forward to getting away but I didn't realize that he did not feel the same way. Work has been nothing short of hellish for him. I knew he was stressed. What has tipped him over the edge is the constant bickering between the kids. They do not even attempt to get along. They go out of their way to antagonize each other. It is not peaceful and the current environment in no way allows for destressing.

On so many levels I understand where he is coming from. I have wanted to hide away myself. God knows I'm bitched about the issues enough here. Taking yourself out of the situation seems a logical solution. What irks me is that he... we have worked hard for this for a year. Their behaviour, his loss. It's just not right.

On a very selfish level I am going to miss him. I enjoy his company and at the end of the day when the kids have gone to bed, I really enjoy just winding down with him. Sharing some time together. Now I won't be able to do that. Instead I become the single parent of three kids who don't much like each other. The boys will be off doing their thing and I'll be with Ms 8. For the first time in 10 years, since we were last in Cedar Point, I am small enough to ride the coasters without the fear of not fitting or being ejected from the ride mid loop. I won't be able to share the thrill with hubby now. This is a love we share together. Realistically I won't do it all. I can't leave Ms 8 with her brothers. I can't leave her alone.

So I am not looking forward to this on any level. I am doing it however because I need for hubby to have this time and space. I need for him to find a level of peace. My greatest fear is that when we come back he'll have decided that he likes being alone... I am truly afraid of that. Our marriage has had it's shares of ups and downs over the years but what I have come to realize is that I really love this guy. Over the past 9 months as I've gone through this transforming journey he has been nothing short of phenomenal - I have fallen in love with him again.

I wish I knew how to make this better for him but I do not.

We told the kids a few hours ago. Ms 8 was devastated. The notion of a family vacation is very important to her. She see's her brothers spread thin between two households and despite the fact that they irk her no end, he loves them. Spending time together is important to her. The boys didn't say much at all. In fact Mr 13 said nothing. Mr 16 said something along the lines of "that sucks". Nothing more. I wonder how different the outcome would have been had they apologized and promised to make more of an effort. It may not have changed hubby's mind but it may have given him some hope that things could get better. Sigh...sometimes I feel so unqualified to be a grown up.

Weight Update

Steady at 225lbs. That is very cool.

My goal for the next week, while I'm on vacation, is to keep my weight steady. It's always a challenge getting in enough protein when away from home and when I don't eat enough protein I tend to put on weight.

My next weigh in will be nine days from now. That'll be a record for me...no scale... how will I survive??? Actually, it'll do me good to get away from the routine. When I get back it'll be 9 months and 2 days since my surgery. Perfect timing for my 9 month photo comparison.

Happy Anniversary...Part II

The day was not all lost for which I am very grateful. We went out to breakfast this morning and then a coffee tonight...just the two of us. We so rarely get to do this that it was a real treat... I actually quite like spending time with this guy that I married 9 years ago.

We're getting ready to go on vacation on Saturday so it's busy all around. We're off to lovely Ohio for a week. We've rented a cottage right on the lake at Marblehead. Apparently we'll be able to see the Cedar Point fire works right from our front door.

I'm looking forward to getting away. Away from the job hunt. Away from the mess, and the constant thought that I should be cleaning up. Just away.

Anyway, happy anniversary hon... I hope we can enjoy many more together.

Happy Anniversary...Not

Tomorrow hubby and I have been married for nine years. Guess what we're doing. Nothing. Why? Well because Mr 13 has football practice from 6 - 8pm. Because Ms 8 won't stay home alone with Mr 16. Because hubby is going to play golf with a buddy.

It really feels like no one places any importance on this date but me. Sigh... maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I should let it go the way of all other important dates to me... quietly by the wayside in favour of lifes' reality. Crap I could go for a drink. Or chocolate. Or both. The emotional reactions never change. What changes is what you do about it. I'm going out for a iced venti sugar free caramel machiatto breve. Little happy smile at the thought. Sigh...

125 down!

As of this morning I have officially lost 125lbs. If my current pattern continues I will bounce back for a little while but I'm going to go by the "if you see it, claim it" philosophy and declare myself to weigh 225lbs.

A nice bit of happy news to start the day.

My butt hurts

I have discovered that I have bones in my butt. I cannot sit in a hard chair for any period of time. It hurts. A lot. Yesterday at the support meeting I stood for 2 out of the 3 hours because I was so uncomfortable I could not focus.

If I sit on a hard surface and rock slightly, I can feel myself rolling over the bones. It's a really weird feeling and not one I expected to feel at 226.something lbs. Bony butts are for skinny people and no one can accuse me of being that.

Which led me to the realization (I've been thinking way too much today) that my body is losing weight differently than it has in the past. The legs are slimming down (never happened), the butt is flat (but still wide) and the chest remains albeit way further south than human decency dictates. My size 18 capri's,which I've been living in all summer, are baggy at the butt and legs but still fit well around the hips.

Speaking of sizes. My friend picked out a size 16 skirt for me at the clothing exchange yesterday. I liked the skirt so took it thinking that if nothing else it'll give me something to try on to see when I break into size 16's. For a lark I decided to try it on last night before bed time and it fit. Perfectly. Holy crap! I know actual sizes vary hugely between brands but it was very exciting to see a size 16 on this body. It means that I am heading towards the normal section of all stores. It means more clothing options than ever before. It means that I am *gasp* normal... nearly...

New Wow... I'm Tired

The last few days I've been feeling really tired. This morning I actually slept on the sofa for a couple of hours... I just could not keep my eyes open.

Later today I realized that this is normally my "MS time". August has historically been a time when I experience a Multiple Sclerosis exacerbation. Typically it's my legs that are affected. They feel heavy, especially at the top. It makes walking up stairs tough... you almost wish that you had handles on the top of your legs so that you could help lift them up a step at a time.

This year, I'm just tired. Nothing more. No vision loss. No heavy legs. I'm thrilled. Fatigue is a very normal part of MS but as I sat thinking about my current fatigue I realized that I have not really experienced any for months. Clearly my weight was compounding my MS fatigue. I have felt so much better that I haven't really been cognizant of any additional fatigue. How cool is that for a wow?

I know I still have MS - the vision loss in April reminded me of that. But for months now MS has not really played a part in my life. It has not stopped me from doing things. It has not forced me to sleep hours away in the evening because I couldn't stay awake any more. It is simply there - a few lesions on my brain. Nothing more.

Wow.

Support Group Meeting

Once a month I try to get out to a support group meeting that is based in Hamilton Ontario. This is a group that is not affiliated with any one type of surgery or surgeon. It is a group of people who have had, or are exploring their options for, weight loss surgery. The majority of folks have had the RNY, a few have had the lap band and a handful have had the Duodenal Switch. A few are still exploring their options.

I go to these meetings for a number of reasons:

1. I enjoy meeting people who truly know what it's like to 'live' obesity - it's always nice to know you are not alone
2. I am reminded in a very positive way of how far I've come. It's definitely a feel good moment when people cheer you on for the journey you've already undertaken
3. It's good to be able to share the challenges, and hear others challenges. It allows me to get feedback and to in fact contribute where I can. I am a trainer at heart so I love when I can help people. Whether it's to explain what the DS is all about, to empathizing with others challenges to making suggestions about what protein shake might taste better. I like the sharing aspect. I have tremendous respect for those that can freely share their emotional challenges associated with their weight loss journey. I can do that here. In written format. I am not so good at it in person.
4. It's a great resource for everything from clothing to finding out what plastic surgeons are in the area. I continue to learn even though my focus has changed from living with the DS to living as a slimmer person

The Hamilton group has a combined weight loss of over 2000lbs. That's nothing short of amazing.

If you are considering weight loss surgery I urge you to research your options for support groups such as this one post surgery. You can do this alone but the journey is so much easier when others are there to help you along the way.

Hurry Up and Wait!

Ok... so I've had 5 interviews in 8 days. Now we wait. Due to vacation schedules it's likely to be a few weeks before I hear anything more.

The interviews today went well. I was good except for answering the compensation question. Man, it's almost like I'm trying to apologize for earning what I do. Why can't I just say what it is and be done with it. Sheesh... I got learn to do this like a man. Do it with a hint of challenge in my voice.

Things I learned today that you wouldn't expect to normally learn during an interview process:

1. Your feet shrink when you lose weight. Those pricey slingbacks may not necessarily fit you when you need them to. Mental note to self, take to get extra hole put in strap. I had visions of carrying my shoes up the stairs bare footed because I could not keep the strap on my feet.

2. I need to get a job in the next month or else I'm going to have to invest in new interviewing clothes. The size 18 Jones of New York silk shirt I wore for the first time today was swimming on me. The pants bagged at the bum and the jacket is only a few weeks away from not being tailored any more.

3. Buy one interview outfit at a time so that you can move more easily, and less expensively, through sizes.

Now I wait.

My surgery is better than your surgery... so there!

Ya know, there are times when you just gotta shake your head and walk away from the battle.

The battle, a recurring one, is about the superiority of one type of weight loss surgery over the other. Here's my take on things.

1. The common enemy is obesity. While there is documented evidence that the Duodenal Switch is superior in terms of weight loss and long term weigh maintenance it is definitively not a case of "one shoe fits all".
2. Support boards are not the place to put doubt in peoples minds after they've had surgery. Whatever tool we choose we should be able to support each other. We have to go on the assumption that people made the best choice available to them at the time. We should be applauding their choice to do something. We all know how hard it is to be obese in a thincentric world.
3. Support boards should be a place to help educate people about the WLS options. Not by putting down any given methods but by pointing people to the facts. By talking about our experiences. By encouraging people to research research research. With respect. And then respecting their choices even though it may not mirror our own.
4. If you are passionate about your choice of surgery then by all means invite people to visit your support boards for more information. But do it respectfully. A simple note to say " congrats on your decision to pursue weight loss surgery. Feel free to come visit us on the "x" board when you're researching this option. Good luck" could go a long way in helping people explore all of their options.
5. Don't make it personal. Don't be nasty. There's no point. This sort of behaviour will just back fire.

I am very passionate about my choice of surgery. I believe that for those that are super morbidly obese it really is the only option available. There have been times when I've shaken my head when I see people who are so desperately trying to fight the obesity demons make a choice that doesn't give them the best chance of success. But at the same time I applaud them. For doing something that moves them beyond dieting. And I wish them great success. People have been successful with all surgery types. I always hope they are one of the successful ones.

My point... let's make WLS about educating people on their options. In an unbiased way. Not based on our preferences or experiences but based on facts. Let's help people make their choices educated ones. This journey is emotional enough as it is, let's keep unnecessary emotions, ours, out of it.

Weight Update

226lbs. Could something be changing? Could this be real? Keep watching the ongoing saga of "lose those pounds"

Final Interview

Well - I got a call today to schedule time for final interviews. This time with the Executive Director who is coming up from Boston and the Burlington based HR manager. I guess it's getting serious. I will say - I am way impressed with how quickly this company is moving. It's been only 6 days since my first interview and I now have three under my belt.

Wish me luck. It'd be so nice to go on our family vacation to Ohio knowing I was coming back to a job. It would allow me to truly relax for the first time in 4 months.

Weight Update

228.6lbs. Is anyone else bored with this yet?

This is a far cry from the heady days of early post weight loss surgery. There is not much in the way of excitement in the numbers these days. But... there are still wow's to be had. Little wow's that make all the difference.

On Monday night my girlfriend and I were running late for a movie. This meant having to squeeze by others to get to seats. In a previous life i.e. less than 9 month ago, the mere thought of having to do this would have caused me to break out in a cold sweat. On Monday I did it and the people didn't even have to get up from their seats. Wow. It was all so... so normal.

Last week I tried on a button down dress that a friend had purchased. I held it up and it looked like there was no way it would fit. I mean, it was designed for a much smaller person that I was. Than I am. It fit. Wow.

Never underestimate the little wow's... the trick is recognizing them for what they are.

Interview Update

Well... I don't know.

The first interview went well. This was with one of the other managers who would be my peer. The second interview was harder to judge. I made a number of interviewing errs.

I waffled. I was way too wordy. My office was hot, I was tired, I wasn't succinct. This interview was with the director of training... the equivalent of the position I've had in the past. She very correctly asked me whether the job I was applying for was going to be enough to keep me challenged. It was a good question. A fair question.

My response, an honest one, is that since there was much to do in terms of setting up processes around managing the training team that the challenge lay in doing that well. It's a great opportunity to have some immediate impact. As for the long term. Who knows. This is a fast changing company and I believe opportunities will present themselves. If not, then I now know that there is a big world out here. Something else will come along if I need it to.

So the bottom line is... will they believe that I will be happy doing this job. Fit is very important, as it should be. And secondly, can they make me an offer that comes close to meeting my salary requirements. I would like to be done. To start working. To be making a contribution. Hopefully I'll know soon.

Five minutes until my interview

My pulse rate is elevated waiting for the call. What the heck is that all about? Hmmm... I'm usually very calm, cool and collected. Breathe Ann, breathe.

General Update

How time flies when life happens!

Weight: 228.2lbs. Sigh. Here we go again. S L O W.

Accident: Still no idea who hit us. I believe the local newspaper will be printing a request for witnesses tomorrow. Hopefully someone will come forward. I've been keeping my eyes open for the jerk but so far no luck.

Interview: My interview on Thursday morning went very well. Totally loved the person I was interviewing with. I could have chatted for hours but after 90 minutes it really was time to wind it up. I have a second interview with her boss and a colleague this afternoon at 4pm. It'll be a phone interview since they are based in Boston so hopefully Skype doesn't let me down. Right now I'm feeling a little unsure about not having a traditional land line. Oh well.

At the Thursday interview we did talk salary expectations which I typically don't address until much later into the interview process. The range wasn't as low as my ex boss had led me to believe but it was still well below my current salary. However it obviously didn't scare them off so that can only be a good sign right?

The company itself is a value based one. They actually make decisions based on their stated values. Refreshing. Intriguing.

Wish me luck. It would be nice to have an offer on the table.

Cowardice

There are few things that piss me off more than cowardice. Yesterday I got to experience some first hand cowardice that still has me seething.

Ms 8 and I were in the car when we were rear ended. The funny thing is I was already watching this guy. He was driving way too close and when stopped at lights was so close that I could not see the front of his car. I even mentioned to Ms 8 that he was an accident waiting to happen. Sure enough traffic in front of me slows (we were only doing about 35km/hour) and I hear brakes screech. I automatically turn to try and avoid the car in front (which I did because I HAD left enough space) and then I feel the impact.

It wasn't huge but enough to damage the rear bumper and more frighteningly to have Ms 8 bawling ow, my head, my head. I tell you there is nothing worse than to hear words like that from a child.

Anyway. I pull over into the construction lane so not as to block the one lane of traffic that was operational. The other driver pulls next to me and says sorry. There's no damage to the car (which there was but that's not the point). I was pissed. I told him off for his reckless driving and then demanded he pull over so I could get his details. He wouldn't . I demanded several times. He said he couldn't. He took off. I had an injured child in the car and the asshole took off. Between my concern for Ms 8 and utter shock at what he did, I didn't get the license plate number. I had nothing to give the police except for the colour (I'm sure they rolled their eyes at that one)

To make matters worse no one else stopped. What the heck? If I'd seen that... for example the lady behind the asshole, I would have stopped. I would have thought to take the number.

Ms 8 was taken away in an ambulance as a precautionary step because there was tenderness at the back of her head. 3 hours and xrays later she was free to go. No soccer for her for a week. She was devastated. Being strapped to a back board until they could see us in emergency was no picnic either.

So... if you're in a freakin' accident STOP. Have the human decency to do the right thing. The damage to the car was minimal. Even with no insurance it wouldn't have hurt you too bad. By leaving the scene of an accident you now turn your act into a criminal one. So asshole, you are now known as a cowardly criminal. Hope you are proud of yourself.

Time Warp

Tonight we took Ms 8 to a movie in the park. The City of Burlington was piloting an outdoor movie event among the trees at Hidden Valley. The landscape is such that it provides a natural ampitheatre. Add a big screen and some you beaut speakers for a very good movie going experience.

As I was sitting there looking up at the stars I was transported back to a time when I looked up at a different sky. With different stars. Sitting in beach chairs at the university of Western Australia which played host to the Perth film festival. Drinking champagne and eating our picnic dinners while enjoying some of the best films that the world had to offer.

It was a ritual. Back then looking at the sky there simply were no limits. Life was good. There was nothing but possibilities in our stars and in our futures.

What I realized tonight is that that hasn't changed. The possibilities are still there for the taking we simply have to seize the opportunities and make things happen. Back then the opportunities came a little easier because we were the best of the best. The best of the unproven. People were willing to take a risk on our potential because the cost to them was minimal. Now we operate at a different level. The expectations are different. Theirs and mine. And that's ok. This time around I need to pave my own way.

Tonight as I looked at the stars I felt, for a moment, that wonderful feeling. The feeling of being able to do anything. This time I approach it with experience, wisdom and realistic expectations. This time I am more valuable than then. This time I can make a much bigger difference. The difference is that back then I didn't know it. I didn't let my experience hold me back. I let the opportunities guide me towards experiences. I've truly come full circle and it's time to find the confidence in my experiences to create and seize the opportunities.

I think I may have had an epiphany under the stars tonight.

Weight Update

226.4lbs

Do not do this at home

If one small bowl of ice cream sits well do not, I repeat, do not assume that two bowls of ice cream will sit equally as well.

It's not a pretty picture. No amount of Flagyl is going to help me out of this one. It's a good thing I'm alone. No one to get between me and the porcelain bus.

Holy crap I'm stupid sometimes!

What the heck is wrong with me?

You'd think that being bored out of my mind, being lonely for intelligent adult interaction and facing a finite deadline where the money will no longer be there would be enough to light a fuse under my ass and get me moving. But that's not the way it's working. It's been nothing short of a struggle. I am procrastinating all over the place. I am finding it a real chore to go through the process and I simply don't get it.

What's the heck is wrong with me? What am I doing this? It's almost like I want to fail. What's the price of failure?

Well... let's start with

1. no house... we cannot afford our mortgage on one salary
2. no marriage... ours will not last through an extended unemployment period. Hubby has some real baggage as a result of his first wife choosing not to work. The stress that's already occurring will break us. Don't get me wrong - he's been wonderfully supportive but there is an under current. I know he's concerned.

We stand to lose everything as a family. I'll say it again. What the heck is wrong with me?

Weight Update

227.8lbs

Interview

I have an interview scheduled for Thursday. This is the company that my ex boss now works at. The job sounds fine. The company sounds amazing. The salary, according to the ex boss, is half of what I am currently making.

This is an interview to get my foot in the door. To make an impression on what a fantastic job I could do for this company. Then to walk away until a more suitable position comes up. I cannot take a 50% pay cut. But I need the interview practice. I will be very honest with my reasons for interviewing.

Sigh... this is a lot harder than I imagined it would be.

Plastic Surgery

Although I am still 70 odd pounds away from my goal weight I have made the decision to start exploring plastic surgery now. Not to get it done now but I do want to know how much, what sort of recovery time, risks etc. It's not a vanity thing, it's just necessary.

What do I need to get done?

Well I will need to do something about these boobs. It's either going to be a breast reduction or a lift. I'll need to speak with a surgeon about what is best. A reduction will be paid for by OHIP, a lift will not... that may make a difference. Either way they need to be moved north and the excess skin removed.

The jury is out on the tummy tuck. It's not pretty but I do not have a huge panni (yet) thanks largely in part to the tummy tuck I had some 13 years ago after I lost 100lbs. That tummy tuck has kept my stomach relatively flat even though the resulting 170lb weight gain. The upper torso is nothing to write home about so who knows,

First on the agenda however will be the arms. I can't stand them. They are awfully wrinkly and despite the very nice response I got in email form about my 8 month pictures they are in no way normal looking. Hanging by my side doesn't do justice to the ugliness. So a brachioplasty will be the first order of business. I'm thinking that this time next year would work best. Going into the fall so that I can wear long sleeves for 7 - 8 months while the scars heal. There's got to be something good about the fact that fall and winter go on for ever in this country right? Maybe I can do the breasts at the same time??? Hmmm... will need to look into that.

The long and short of it is that weight loss surgery is really only phase one when you have as much weight to lose as I do... as I did. I would prefer not to have plastic surgery but it's about finishing the job. Getting myself to a healthy weight and correctly proportioned body size (which is where breast and tummy surgery comes into it).

So the research begins. Now I just need to find a surgeon who is experienced in brachioplasties... I'm not thinking that there are many around here.

Weight Update

This morning 228.8lbs

Just goes to show how much swing there is on a day to day basis. I'm just thrilled it's still under 230. I hope to never be there again!

The plan today: Do as little as possible. I would love to finish my Harry Potter book. I'm one behind so this will then allow me to move onto book 7. I haven't picked this series up in years but every time I do I am reminded at how well J.K. Rowling writes.

Weight Update

Just a fly by post.

Weight this morning : 227lbs.

Down 123lbs

Mood: Thrilled!

Star Jones

I know, I know. Every weight loss blog out there is mentioning it. Maybe not every one but lots of them. So why mention it here?

Well, yesterday someone in my "fat fighters" group posed some really interesting discussion points which got me thinking.

The basic question was "what do we think?"

My basic answer was... I can certainly understand why people choose to keep their surgery quiet. There is a significant bias against weight loss surgery in general. People see it as a character weakness that you would resort to the easy way out (*snort*) to lose weight. I can understand why someone would not want to put themselves through the open derision they will meet from so many. Although I share freely here there are many people that I have chosen not to tell. If asked directly I will answer honestly but only if asked directly. I am not trying to hide anything but I am also not advertising unasked. Ask me the question and be prepared for the enthusiastic response.

As far as Star is concerned, I think she was just plain naive if she thought that she could keep something like this quiet. She's a public figure and loss of privacy is a price you pay to belong to that exclusive club. Sure I get that she was likely scared it wouldn't work and hence why open herself to the ridicule. Yes I get that she didn't want people to look at her as a role model and go into a similar surgery without fully doing their research first. I understand all that. What I don't understand is why she did take the opportunity to share openly her fears, the risks and the benefits of WLS. She was in a position to help demystify the procedure. Instead she made it something that had to remain secret. Like it's shameful.

WLS is not shameful. It is a valid medical procedure for a horrifically complicated medical issue.

Weight Update

228.6lbs. Guess I can make my woo hoo a little louder... Shallow as this is, I needed a little weight loss to happen. With everything that's not happening on the job front and the car incident it's nice to have a little something to smile about.

Have a great day... for me it's going to be one of assessing the damage.

I scratched the car

The brand new Kia Sedona that we've had less than four weeks. Backing out of the garage. I had ensured that I had cleared the mirrors (only 2 inches each side) but apparently my wheels were turned so I came out in a crazy angle and scratched the front right panel. And the bumper. With my husband in the car.

Talk about feeling like my heart was in my throat. I still haven't had the courage to look at it. I am so upset. Spending $2- 3000 when I am not working on something like this is not what I want to be doing.

Holy crap I could use a drink. But I won't.

Shit happens. But I would prefer it didn't happen to me right now. Off for a sleepless night of feeling stupid. Tomorrow we deal with the repairs. I hope to God that the extra insurance policy we forked out for is as good as it sounded. Guess I'll know soon enough

Flapping in the Wind

It's funny how the little things can have such an impact. Since wearing a sleeveless shirt all day on Monday I've been thinking about it a lot.

Not because it was a particularly brave thing for me to do (and it was) given my real phobia about showing unsuspecting strangers my wrinkly arm fat. No, simply because it felt good. I had no idea how good it felt to have bare arms.

In the car, on a hot muggy day, the gentle coolness of the air conditioning felt good. Waiting in line to get into the park the breeze on my sun soaked arms felt... good. It's been many many years since I have worn a sleeveless shirt without the another one over the top. It was amazing to me how 'light' it felt.

Like I said... it's the little things that often have the greatest impact. Does this mean I will go around wearing a lot of sleeveless shirts? Not likely cause the wrinkly arms are still there but I will wear them every now and then. Just because it feels good!

Weight: 229lbs (I reserve the right to get excited for a few days... wanna see if this sticks first...but a will say a little quiet woo hoo today!)