Happy New Year

Happy New Year Australia! In less than an hour it will be 2007 in Australia and my parents will be looking ahead to what a new year will hold.

The fact that I can say parents is pretty amazing. It's been nearly 18 months since Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. It's amazing that she's not only alive today but doing incredibly well. My dad is recovering well after his latest ordeal which involved nearly 3 months in hospital. With his latest surgery we're hoping the colon cancer is not going to be a prominent issue in his life any more. What nearly killed him was diabetes. When they took him back into the hospital he should have been in a diabetic coma his sugar levels were so high. I am very thankful that he survived.

In early December they sold the business they had owned and run for 22 years so 2007 will be the year they get to work out what retirement is all about. They have worked hard all their lives so they deserve to have a peaceful and happy retirement. That is my wish for them.













So Happy New Year Mum and Dad - may 2007 be a year of happiness, health and joy.

Frustrated

Ok - I'm going to post a post that I promised myself I wouldn't. I have responded in encouragement to a number of people that have posted similar and my advice sounded so good. But apparently it's different when it happens to me!

My frustration... my weight hasn't shifted in over a week!

I *know* that this happens, and I *know* that it's only temporary but it's amazing at how all the insecurities slip back so easily:

1. what if this surgery won't work for me? what if this is it? what have I done?
2. what am I doing wrong? I'm not eating much - what could I do differently?

I *know* I'm being silly but it's so hard to move past it. Now I truly know what the others went through went they wrote about their stalls.

My weight loss pattern has always been like this...lose well and then stop, lose a bit and then stop. The stops used to kill me - they would come too soon into the process and when you have nearly 200lbs to lose it can be so incredibly demotivating. Lack of motivation typically turned to looking for comfort which resulted in eating the wrong things which in turn would result in total self sabotage. Holy crap I'm a head case at times!

Now I have a tool which will help me move past this but I have to say that I was not mentally prepared for such a rapid stall. It's hard and I have caught myself wanting to slip into some of the old bad habits that led me to this spot in the first place.

Give me strength to work through this - I am truly going to drive myself nuts if I don't get a handle on this.

Mantra - you have lost 41lbs this month, you're doing great. You have lost 41lbs this month, you're doing great... sigh...

And they cried Wii, Wii, Wii all the way home

Yes, we've been bitten by the insanity bug. My three men are camping out tonight in sub zero (celcius) temperatures in order to be able to buy the elusive Wii.

I have never been a big supporter of gaming - we have two systems in our home and I have played maybe 6 times in total over a 10 year period. Then along comes the Wii. We are currently a household in crisis - divided by teenage hormones and younger sibling rivalry. The Wii - with it's intuitive controls and action based play finally offers a gaming experience that will allow all family members to compete on fairly even territory. The 7 year old will be able to box the crap out of the older boys - all she has to do is point her fists at the tv and imagine herself thumping the living daylights out of her brothers. I think this will be good for her. The same goes for them as well.

I particularly like that it contains an element of physical play. In Canada physical activity is so much harder to encourage in the winter time. You want to hibernate... maybe the Wii will encourage all of us to get off our comfy sofa's.

I believe in the old adage - a family that plays together stays together. We need to find a way to enjoy each other more. While the Wii is not the answer, I'm hoping it'll be a tool to move us towards where we need to be. A common language if you will.

So tonight the lads are sitting outside Best Buy wrapped in sleeping bags, with enough snacks to feed the entire line, in the pursuit of the Wii which we have simply not been able to find before tonight. The 15 year old snarked for a good two hours since he is currently banned from playing any video games but he came around and was finally able to see the adventure in it all. The 13 year old thinks it's the coolest thing ever (but he's not too bright) and dad, well dad has plans to snooze in the car.LOL. Love to see him pull that one off, especially with pesky Mr 13 around.

As for me, I'll be snuggled up under the feather duvet that I received from my Mum when I graduated my undergrad degree. Next to me will be Ms. Furnace 7 year old... and somewhere close will be the snuggly puppy. Sometimes you have to say, it's good to be me!

The importance of sleep

I had read about it before... if your body is sleep deprived it will not lose weight as easily as when you get a good night sleep.

It made sense to me but it doesn't really translate into my life very well. For the past week I've been surviving on about 5 hours sleep per night. For the past week my weight has not shifted.

Today my body finally said enough. I woke up at 5am since hubby wanted to go out and take advantage of the boxing day sales. I tried to doze after he left but couldn't... largely cause he kept calling with a blow by blow description of the madness at some of the stores he visited. After they came home, I went to bed expecting to nap for an hour or two. Three and half hours later I was finally in a position where I could feasibly get up. In that three and a half hours I lost 1.5lbs.

My body is clearly in a fight or flight position already. It has lost a lot of weight very rapidly and now it's hanging on to what remains in case it needs it. Add in not enough sleep and I'm convincing it that the world is about to end.

To test this theory I am going to make it my goal to be in bed by 11pm for the rest of this week. I could use the rest and maybe, just maybe my body will let go of a little more weight before I hit my official one month mark on the 30th.

The importance of traditions

Since we've been together hubby and I have always exchanged gifts on Christmas eve after our daughter has gone to bed (the boys spend Christmas eve with their mom). This time allowed us to share our gifts in peace - something that simply does not exist in our household on Christmas day. Christmas day is about the kids, and the wider family.

This year I had a brilliant idea - lets not buy gifts for each others since we're going to a Calgary Flames game in Buffalo (and the tickets were not cheap)... we'll call that our gift to each other. Good idea, financially responsible... miserable.

Hubby was in such a funk Christmas eve and I simply hated the fact that weren't spending that time together. It's the one time of the year that we really put a lot of thoughts into gifts to show how much we care for each other. This year I took it away. We talked and both agree it was the wrong thing to do... so we are going to do a little mini Christmas for each other in the next week. It's important for US and we're not really good at protecting the things that are US related.

It's amazing how important our traditions become. They are the stabilizing force in families, those familiar things that people look for as a sign that their world is still ok. We fiercely protect the traditions that we have built with the kids but we need to do that for ourselves too. We need to know our world is ok.

I hope Santa bought me a telescope

were the words that came out of her mouth as she ran down the stairs, blonde hair streaming behind her.

I knew she'd been awake for a while because at exactly 7 am, the time we told her she could be up, she was standing at our bedside... big grin from ear to ear. She had been counting down the days for weeks. The advent calendar wasn't enough, she made her own little calendar on the fridge so she would always know how many days it was until Christmas. She was one excited little girl.

Well Santa didn't let her down. By the fire place was the biggest honking telescope you could ever hope to find. As I protested loudly wondering where the heck we were going to put something so big, she started to laugh. A big beautiful belly laugh of joy.

After exploring her own stocking contents she happily helped the pets with theirs. Yes we have stockings for the dog, and the birds. Her insistence. We happily oblige. It's these little things that help keep the belief alive and we want that for her.

There's something so special about seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child. There is a wonderment that is born out of belief that you simply cannot experience any other way. I treasure these days as I know that at some point they will end. But yesterday was pure magic.

Gifts...

As I've already enthused in a previous post or two, I love picking out gifts. I like to think that I'm pretty good at it.

Others are not. I love my inlaws - but my house is filled with stuff that we do not use. Actually, that's not true - the basement is filled with stuff we do not use. In the past, clothing items have been the big issue. Prints, cutsie, that kind of stuff just isn't my style. Every year I got at least one thing that fit into one of these categorie. Well this year they were pre warned... no clothes, I wouldn't get the wear out of them as I made my way into normal clothing sizes. So instead, I got a lovely traditional mantle clock. Our style is contemporary. I got a carpet runner thing that really has no where to go. I got stuff... Now don't get me wrong, I don't want to sound ungrateful. I know they mean well but what it tells me is that after 10 years they really don't know me very well. What am I going to do. Most of the stuff, like in past years, I can just bury in the basement until next years garage sale. But the clock is going to be a hard one to not put out. We already have a mantle clock that belonged to hubby's dad. It's in the basement because the ticking sound drove me batty.

I wonder if they would be offended if, instead of gifts next year, I suggest that they take whatever money they were going to spend on me and make a donation to the Canadian Multiple Sclerosis Society? I would be so much happier knowing someone got something useful out of their generosity.

Anyhow, time for me to go and put my feet up. It's been a long albeit wonderful day. More about the joy of Christmas through a child's eyes tomorrow. Long live the belief in Santa.

I Learned Something New

Leading up to my DS surgery I spent a lot of time hanging out at ObesityHelp.com researching and trying to generally learn as much about the surgery I was about to undergo as possible. I'm the sort of person that likes to know what could possibly happen.

During this research phase I read a lot about some of the side effects but I learned yesterday that what you read really doesn't sink in until you experience it. Yesterday I experienced three new sensations, none of which I would like to repeat too often:

1. foaming: what the heck is that was my original thought. Well, for those that are wondering, it's essentially when your saliva foams and feels a little slimy/ a little thick. It's almost as if someone has taken an egg beater to it to fluff it up. It's amazing how much saliva one can produce in such a short period of time

2. throwing up: the dr warned me that if I eat too much or too fast I could throw up. I had read about it too. Well, yesterday after having thoughtlessly eaten at my normal speed and then washed it down with a huge swig of water I felt like I was going to have a heart attack. The feeling is hard to describe... it's like you have a giant expanding air bubble in your esophagus that you can't burp up. It hurts. The result is the need to hurl - which I did with surprising ease. I felt better immediately.

3. Carb induced gas: All thing "bowels" are a huge topic of conversation in the DS world. Ours have been completely rearranged after all, and with that comes new challenges. Since surgery I have been suffering from chronic diarrhea. To slow things down I decided to add some fibre to my diet in the form of stonewheat crackers. I was careful to choose low sugar ones. They tasted great. But, and you knew there had to be a but... they gave me wicked gas. I had read about this happening but until you experience the bowel twisting, eye watering result you really don't get it. Oh my goodness - I couldn't stand to be around myself. I was warning my family to save themselves and leave the room, that's how bad it was. Mental note to self - diarrhea is severely under rated. Lay off the crackers!

My weight has been the same for the last 4 or 5 days - I think my body is taking a breather after its initial phenomenal loss. I need to focus on getting my water and protein in... I'm sure that'll allow it to move on it's merry way down again.

What an interesting journey this DS has been so far - I'm hoping for a smoother ride today. Just in case though, I think I'll buy shares in Johnson & Johnson. Their Ultra product is proving to be a life saver around here!

Rocking Around the Christmas Tree

I love Christmas. Every little thing about it. Finding the right gifts. This is especially true with my daughter who is the last in the family to have an unwaivering belief in Santa. There is something so special about keeping the belief alive and watching it come to full fruition every Christmas morning.

In our family most of the gifts are from us but Santa fills the stockings and leaves a gift for each family member. Each year my little girl only asks for one thing that she really wants from Santa. And each year we bend over backwards to make it happen. She's such a good kid it is more than worth with. I want her to remember her childhood Christmases as a really positive experience so that when she has children she can give them the same magical gift. The gift of innocence.

With only 3 days until Christmas I'm finding myself humming Christmas carols and singing along to the music in the stores. I know this drives people insane - especially those that find Christmas hard to deal with. But I can't help it. I like that people are largely nicer this time of year, I like that my home looks festive and warm and I like that I'll have family here on Christmas day to help us celebrate.

Being a blended family, Christmas is always a busy one for us.

We get up early to do the Santa gifts with the little one. We then have a quick easy breakfast before hubby drives an hour to pick up the boys from their Mom's house. Once they get back we do immediate family gifts and within an hour the rest of the family arrives. It's busy, it's insane but it's so much fun.

Dinner is always fun - both hubby and I like to cook.

The menu for this year

1. 10lb turkey breast, seasoned, rolled and wrapped in bacon. Cooked on the BBQ rotisserie.
2. Braised beef with sun-dried tomatoes
3. Ham
4. Do ahead mashed potatoes
5. Some vegetables (can't decide)
6. Gourmet Cream Puffs

Much of this can be done ahead of time making this year a little easier on me... I'm trying to pace myself. I feel great but my stamina needs a little work.

Yep - I like Christmas. To all that celebrate I wish you a happy and safe Christmas surrounded with family and friends. To those that celebrate Hannuka - I hope the last 7 days have been filled with joy.

3 week weight update

Down an even 40lbs.

Blood pressure that of a childs (so low!)

Sleeping without CPAP machine and feeling good (only because it was drying me out horribly)

On Sunday I went to a weight loss support meeting in Hamilton and met a woman who works with the Baritrics clinic that I was originally referred to (and am still on the waiting list for). It turns out that they offer a post surgery service. She gave me her card and it looks like I'll be taken in. I'm thrilled. I love my PCP but she really doesn't understand the surgery I've been through. At the clinic at least I will have people who specialize in Bariatrics looking at my health.

So all is good.

Wicked

Yesterday I had a happy day.

I took my 7 year old out of school and we had a mommy/daughter day. We took the train into Toronto, had lunch, played a game of Wii boxing at the Eaton centre display and then went to see the production Wicked.

Wicked is the story of the witches in the Wizard of Oz. It was masterfully done, the two stories blending perfectly. It really added a new depth to the Wizard of Oz. We will never be able to watch that movie in the same way. It was a great musical for my little one to see - she was in the school play of Wizard this year so she was comfortable with the original story line.

I love doing this sort of thing with her. She loves the theatre experience and that is something that I am happy to encourage. So far she has demonstrated such a balanced and broad interest in her world - this is just another magical piece.

What do you do with a girl like Maria...

Ok, I admit it. I like the sound of music. I like the romantic sappy upbeatedness (yes I know that's not a word) of it all.

So when thinking about to deal with the latest antics of the 15 year old, the Maria song came to mind.

The issue is yet again homework. Mr 15 is in grade 10. He's on the brink of his future or, as in this case, pissing it away because he simply won't do his homework. Today we received in the mail letters from his English and Business teachers. His average for the first sits at 30%, for the latter 50%. He will tell you he has no homework when asked and I guess if he has no intention of doing it, technically he doesn't but the question I have is why? Why would he do this, knowing that he has had to endure much pressure for the past 1.5 years since entering high school for his lack of work ethic? His last report card sucked... why not fix it and get rid of the aggravation of nagging parents? I don't get it...

Nothing seems to work with this kid. We've tried restricting privileges, we've tried paying it forward to show we trust him (well, his dad did cause I don't!), we've tried it all. After todays notes we're going back to restrictive and we're making life very unpleasant for him. No MP3, no gaming system, no tv, no computer (except for school work), no parties at friends houses, friends here only with supervision, in room to do homework for 2 hours per night. No exceptions. We've been lied to, he's officially at risk to pass, we have no choice. I don't need to be this boy's friend. I need to find a way to help him help himself. If he hates me for it now but it works, I'm good with that.

This is causing so much stress for us as a family. Even more so because he is capable, he simply chooses to not use his capability.

Happy Place

Today I indulged in one of my favourite meals of all time...Chicken Korma. There is something about the creamy spicy flavour that I simply love. It is a meal that, pre surgery, I craved. I would eat it for lunch and then quite happily again for dinner. If we went out as a family I would eat mine then finish of my daughters...not because I was hungry but just because I love the flavour.

Today was a whole different experience. Hubby and I went out for a late lunch. As I put the first piece in my mouth I was thrilled to find that I had not lost my taste for it (tastes do change as a result of this surgery). I could feel the spices on the sides of my tongue. My mouth was alive!

I had maybe three pieces of chicken, leaving well over 80% of the Korma still in the dish. I was satisfied, I didn't feel deprived and man, was I in a happy place. And the best thing? I get to have it again another 4 times before the dish is done... what a cheap date I've become! Everything in the dish is ok for this new way of eating so I have the added bonus of knowing that I've done no damage.

Is it wrong to feel this way about a food dish? Maybe but ya know, I don't care. It was a culinary experience I will remember for quite a while. Beats the crap out of the bland stuff I've been eating for the last two weeks.

Weight Update

Down 38lbs

Down 1 - 2 pant sizes (depending on brand)

Shirts fit better

Struggling to get in enough protein and water. Working on it.

Purchased a treadmill because I will not walk outside when the snow hits the ground. Will start will 10 minute intervals and works up from there.

Silence is not always golden

I like silence. With three kids silence is a rarity. I can be outgoing but I re-energize through down time. I need it. I crave it. Right now I get very little of it.

But silence is not always golden.

Silence is not golden when things go unsaid. Sometimes it's easier to keep quiet but it's not always healthier.

Silence is not golden when you use silence to hide in. I think I'm doing that a little. Pulling myself into a cave of silence as I learn how to deal with my altered anatomy. I have not blogged. I have not reached out to the friends that I would normally reach out to. I have been largely silent. The problem with this silence is that I am not coping. I am wanting to turn to old habits of finding solace in food. But I can't. That's a choice I made. But I want to.

This internal battle is normal. It's reflective of the journey that I still need to complete. Learning what I can and cannot eat, learning how to use food as a fuel rather than as a comfort and learning to allow myself to partake in the foods I want without it creating unnecessary conflict. Right now I have some limitations just because my stomach is so small but with time nothing is off bounds as long as I am prepared to live with the consequences. The worst that will happen with the DS as a result of a small indulgence is wicked gas. If I can live with that then I can go right ahead.

But I'm not there yet. It's all too new and I don't know how I react to a lot of foods... that will come over the next couple of months. I also am not comfortable enough yet with the DS...will it really work for me in the long term? The logical part of my mind tells me that it will but that part of my mind that has been through every weight loss experience on the planet with me is questioning. I need to give myself time. And I need to break the silence. I need to reach out. I need to blog these thoughts and experiences so that I can look back and see how far I've come.

Right now I sound like a crazy obsessed person but I "know" that's ok. If I'm still at this point in 12 months then I have something to be a little more concerned about.

As I listen to the tapping of the keyboard and the budgies singing downstairs I am finding real pleasure in the silence around me this morning. Maybe I can pick and choose which silence I seek?

And the wow continues...

I promise that this blog will turn into more than a tracking mechanism of my weight but ya know, it's all so knew right now. I'm just a little excited.

We purchased a new scale so this morning I weighed myself knowing that I would have a chance to calibrate the weight against my PCP's scale in the afternoon. Well - they were the same, and they both said that I had lost 34 lbs since surgery.

The magnitude just boggles my mind. I expected to lose about 30 lbs during the first month for a couple of reasons

1. I have a high starting weight
2. seems to be the average weight loss for the first month
3. I'm eating next to nothing so some weight has to fall off right?

If this keeps up I could feasibly fall into the 40 - 50lb range for month one. Wow.

I feel great. I'm trying more foods each day. In a few days I can add chicken, turkey and fish to the menu (yay!). It's all about baby steps but I have to say that the baby steps are strong ones.

Holy Crap Moment

On Friday I went in to have my staples removed - that was the last thing that needed to happen before I could head home. I had spent the morning diligently writing out all the questions I had of Dr L so that I could go home being at least a little informed about what went on in the operating room.

The first order of the day is to get on the scale... 24lbs down since surgery... in eight days... holy crap!

That's all I could say! I asked only one of my questions (my stomach now has a 90ml capacity)...all the rest were gone. I was in shock.

This is the disclaimer... this is by no means average results and will unlikely be followed up with equivalent results when I'm next on the scale but in the mean time all I can say is

Holy Crap!

Mind Games

For the first time since my surgery, yesterday I wanted food. Not food that I was hungry for, not food that's on my currently allowed list but food that would bring me comfort. Steak because the Applebees commercial made my mouth water, pretzels for the salt, and chocolate just because chocolate is the best food in the whole world. I wasn't hungry but my head was playing games...why? Well, I think I was bored. When you're used to being busy it's really hard to know how to fill 24 hours, especially when your body doesn't accomodate a lot yet. It was a good aha moment for me. I am clearly going to have to watch out for these sort of reactions that normally I would placate with food. I am going to have to learn counter strategies that deal with the root cause rather than the reaction.

It's a shame that when they do this surgery they can't do a little magic on the old brain as well... it would make life so much easier.

I've been switched!

Where to begin - it's been a week since i've posted and so much has happened!

The main news I guess is that I've been switched.

After arriving in Auburn Hills late Tuesday night we had a very short sleep before it was time to go and see Dr L. Unfortunately he was caught at the hospital but Julie took me through all the things I needed to know and we headed out to buy the vitamins that I would need post surgery, as well as find some liquid food that would get me through the day. Back to see Dr L at noon where he promptly scared the living daylights out of my husband.

Unlike the last consult, where he covered the risks at a fairly high level, this time he went into graphic detail of the potential risks. Hubby was beside himself - then and there he decided he was staying in Michigan until at least Saturday to make sure everything was ok. I wanted him to go home on Friday to be with the kids. As is happened nature intervened with a threatened snow storm and he ended up leaving late Thursday night, but I jump ahead.

Thursday morning we were at the hospital by 5am. I was not nervous at all. I remember seeing the inside of the operating room and the next thing I knew I was talking to hubby in my room, with him telling me he would go home. What I don't remember is the repeated discussions we had about this with him saying he wanted to stay and me insisting he go home to beat the storm. Poor guy - he must have felt like crap. Especially after he had not been allowed to see me until nearly 5pm. Apparently surgery was done at around noon but they didn't have a room straight away so I was in recovery for a long time. I will have to work harder at being nice to him - he really does care. A lot.

My stay in the hospital was an interesting one. My room mate was a 93 year old woman who had been brought in with a UTI but she ended up with dementia. Let's just say that the first two nights were not peaceful ones. She would shout out asking to be helped or taken home. She would talk of her long dead mother and husband as if they were alive. She really had no idea where she was or why. It was heartbreaking. It also made for quite the distraction - it's hard to focus on feeling like crap when you have this going on less than three feet away. Her companion, a friend of hers, was an amazing woman. She would spend six to seven hours a day at her bedside, talking to her, feeding her and advocating for her. She was really inspiring.

I was released yesterday and am now staying with my friends in Farmington Hills. They've been wonderful. As I write, their little girl is at my feet colouring in her new book. It's so comfortable being with this family. I am incredibly lucky.

I am recovering well. I am experiecing very little pain but am struggling with food a little. I find that I just don't want it. I am spending too much time running to the washroom to even want to consider food before noon. I know this is just a symptom of my bowel being beaten up during surgery but I am looking forward to this stage passing. I am trying to drink lots of water (ie 1 litre a day which is lots when you consider the size of my new stomach!) and forcing myself to have my protein drink. It'll get easier. In the meantime I feel pretty good.

I had to laugh today - my shower turned into a 3 part process that spanned well over an hour. Firstly I washed and then I sat down on the tiolet contemplating getting dressed for at least 20 minutes. And I mean contemplating. At that point the thought of getting dressed was simply overwhelming. I got dressed and then sat down on the sofa to rest for a few minutes before drying my hair. Well, that turned into a 20 minute nap at which time the third part of the process was to attempt to save myself from a really bad hair day, since much had dried already. I can see why I need to take 4 - 6 weeks of work for this one - it's going to take me all day just to go through the basic functions. LOL!

I get my staples out on Friday so hopefully will then be able to update with some more of the technical details of the surgery itself. While in the hospital I didn't think to ask. I didn't care.

So there, in a nut shell, was my last week. I am excited to be on this new part of my lifes journey. I have a lot to learn and I'm ready for it all!