Month 4 Photo Comparison

The scale stopped at 265 this morning so I am going to claim it as my own! Yay me. So the story now goes:

Pre surgery 350lbs
Month 1 -42lbs
Month 2 - 60lbs
Month 3 - 72lbs
Month 4 - 85lbs.

I'm liking this story so far.

12,000 jobs to go... 14,000 more through attrition

If you read the headlines that's what they're saying about my company. That's an awful lot of people. At times like this there is no preparing. The markets have spoken and they're saying tighten up or lose our confidence. The company is prepared to take a 1 billion charge to make this happen. All this news and yet we know nothing. April 16th is the day that an announcement will be made. April 16th will be the day we will be able to better define what our world looks like. April 16th is when I should know whether Canada is impacted.

I feel strangely at peace - whatever will be will be. I have skills. I AM marketable. I need to remind myself of that after 10 years with the big C. I hope I have the skill and integrity to work through the wait, I hope my team is safe.

Mother Knows Best

Sometimes you just need to trust your gut.

This morning I was running around getting ready for work and my 7 year old was not cooperating at all. She was scared to be downstairs by herself and she was very weepy. Not like her at all.

Hubby was going to drop me off at work since he needed the car (yes, we are one of *those* oddities - the one car family) but something told me to work at home instead.

The morning pace slowed down considerably, we got in some cuddle time and then I sent this kids off to school. At 8.30 I get a call from Ms 7... she had locked herself into a washroom stall at school too mortified to come out...she hadn't made it the bathroom in time.

I was so upset for her - imagine the feeling of powerlessness as she sat in that bathroom waiting for me to get there with a change of clothes. She missed the bell. She's never late. It irks her to even think of being late. The poor kid was so upset.

We got her cleaned up and then I dragged myself home, at a much slower pace than I had managed to get there I might add, all the while thinking...what if. What if I hadn't been home? What if I hadn't given her the replacement cell phone after irresponsible Mr 13 had lost the first one? What if?

I am so grateful to have the kind of job that allows me the flexibility to work from home on occasion. My team is wonderfully supportive and my boss, well she's working from home today too.

It's hard growing up. The school hallways can be unforgiving places. Just ask any of us that were even a little overweight as children. I am so glad I could be there today.

Bitten by the MS bug

Just my luck - I just finish blogging about my relationship with Multiple Sclerosis and wham, I have a flare up.

Today the opthamologist confirmed that I have a mild case of Optic Neuritis again... in the right eye... again. Odds are it will go away over time but it's such a vivid reminder that I do have this weird disease. The new thing about this flare up is numbness in my right leg. I had assumed that the numbness was associated with the pinched nerve in my back but because of the way it's presenting (the whole leg including foot has been numb for about 3 weeks) my PCP feels that it's most likely associated with the MS. Crap... new symptoms are not welcome! The old ones I can live with.

So once again it's March and MS has come out to play. March and August tend to be my danger months... apparently it's virus season during these times and MS is often considered to be a viral disease. May be something to that me thinks...

Oh well... back to get my eyes checked in 8 weeks to see if I've lost any vision permanently. I've always had it come back but I have to admit that I have a real fear of losing my vision on a permanent basis as/if the MS progresses. It's a real reminder to take in all the beauty in the world when you can because one day you may not be able to...

What time of Day Are you?

You Are Sunrise

You enjoy living a slow, fulfilling life. You enjoy living every moment, no matter how ordinary. You are a person of reflection and meditation. You start and end every day by looking inward. Caring and giving, you enjoy making people happy. You're often cooking for friends or buying them gifts. All in all, you know how to love life for what it is - not for how it should be.

What Time Of Day Are You?

This is actually pretty close... This is thanks to Alison who had posted the link on her blog

Travel Bug

I love to travel. Over the years I have visited Japan, Malaysia, Singapore, China, New Zealand (there are some real advantages to living in Australia!) Holland (my birth place), Belgium, Paris, Berlin (I was there for the opening of the wall.. I have my piece of concrete hacked off with a sledge hammer), various states in the US and of course my adopted, and much loved home, Canada.

Lately my forays have been into the US - Florida, PA, Ohio. All have been fun. I am however feeling the need for a BIG trip. I don't know what it is but I do know that I'm in need of an adventure. I want to visit somewhere new - to see the country, to meet the people, to lose myself in someone elses world for just a while. Financially this is not doable for us right now but I'm thinking it's time to start planning. My husband and I have not done a big trip together yet - maybe this is the time for us to share that experience.

Any suggestions as to where we should go? All suggestions will be researched and considered!

Internet Dependancy

That's a polite way of saying addiction!

Thanks to a wayward sidewalk plow who decided not only to clear the snow but dig up the near surface lying cable we lost our internet connection on Saturday. The saying "you don't know what you have until you lose it" was so true for us as a family. We use the internet for everything. What time does the Hockey Hall of Fame open? Look at the net. What time does the bus leave? Look at the net. What is Erins phone number? Look at the net. You get the picture. We use the internet like generations before us have used phone books, libraries, newspapers and phones themselves. We use Skype... we had no home phone until last night.

For four days I could not blog. For four days I could not check in on the websites that I read daily... I couldn't get my dose of Tia, MaryBeth, Sharon, Alison, Kim and Epzy. These folks are my grounding... through their experiences with their DS's I have a barometer... it gives me a sense of whether I'm doing ok, they have helped me to learn more that I can explain, and quite frankly I just enjoy their blogs.

At night I put my 7year old to bed and then I sit in the office until she falls asleep. This is my time to surf - read up on what's happening in the world, research something I'm interested in or just veg. I have to say I missed that.

I can't decide whether it's a sad statement about the state of our lives or whether it is merely reflective of the day and age we live in.. Either way I am so glad to have connectivity back.

Weight today: 267.6.

This is new territory. The size 20 jeans I longed to get into are now loose...how cool is that!

Weight Update

Today: 270.6

I can taste it... the 260's are not far off. I tried to recall when I last weighed less that 27 something and I couldn't. I made it down to the 270's about 2 years ago but I had been bouncing between that and 330 for several years. I don't remember any lower weights other than when I was on optifast and lost 100lbs just before I moved to Canada. Back then I got down to about 180lbs. It was a pretty good weight for me since I am 5'10" (or 5' 11" as I was back then)

So things are progressing. If you recall at the beginning of the month I bounced back up to 280 for about 5 days. I'm happy with the way things are going. We're into the slow and steady stretch... the key for me is steady... I need to see the downward progression over time.

Next target - to get my butt into size 18's... I figure I'm about a month away.

Life is Short

Let me start by saying that I don't know Karen and I don't know the other people in this story. Yesterday Karen passed away on the streets of Curitiba Brazil. The story of her passing has filled me with a sadness that I cannot explain.

Karen, Amanda and Jaime all had their duodenal switches done in Brazil this week. They met at the hotel and bonded as you would expect - they are all part of a unique sisterhood often referred to as the "Switch Sistah's". They were each others' support. During a trip out to buy her brother cigars Karen collapsed in the street and passed away - likely cause pulmonary embolism. Her new friends, their parents and her mother watched her die. She left behind a husband and two young children in California. Today they are without a wife and mother. Her friends... Amanda, who I am familiar with through the ObesityHelp community, have been through an incredibly shocking experience. They are new Dser's on the start of what should be an incredible journey and instead they will live with this trauma forever.

My heart goes out to them all. Her children who will never know the love of their mother again. Her husband who has lost his partner. Her mom... oh my gosh can you imagine watching your child die so unexpectedly. Her friends who have lost the opportunity to claim joy at having successfully been switched.

Surgery is risky. It is not known whether the DS caused this death (there were unrelated complications). Death is possible. For each of us that have had or are planning to have weight loss surgery, we are willing to risk death to have a chance to really live.

Rest in peace Karen

10 years

Tomorrow is my 10 year anniversary with the company (C) I work for. 10 years. I say that in a mix of wonderment and disbelief. My previous record was just over three and I liked it that way. I was/am a firm believe in building a broad range of experience while you are young, before you commit to a path that may be more narrow but so much richer for all the skills and experiences that you have picked up along the way.

When I joined C the company in Canada had about 480 employees... today we have 1,200. The wider company we are a part of had 100,000 employees... today we have more than 300,000. As you can imagine with this type of growth comes a lot of change. C is in a perpetual change cycle. Over the years I can say that some of it has been good, some of it not so well thought out and some... well, lets just say I think they learned their lesson.

The C I work for today is a massive organization but it's doing a lot of things right. It is focusing more heavily on its obligation to the shareholder through its risk control and it is focusing more heavily, and systematically, on it's people. There are huge opportunities for those that are ready and willing to take advantage of those opportunities. In a company this size there are issues - it's hard to take a personalized approach to 300,000 employees. Performance appraisal and pay for performance is a brutally painful process. It always has been and I don't see that ever changing. The neat thing about working for C is that because the change is forever there, it affords you the opportunity to develop new skill sets on a regular basis. Even staying in the same job there is opportunity for growth... that's worth a lot.

In the past 10 years things have changed immeasurably on the personal front... a few things that pop to mind

1. I met my husband... the same day that I had my final interviews with C. So my personal and work history is forever entwined

2. I had an instant family. Two weeks before I started work Mr. then 3 and Mr. then 5 entered my life. For the most part this has been an amazing journey.

3. I got married

4. We bought our house

5. I had a child. My daughter. To this day I can look at her and think to myself "I did that???" I did a good thing.

6. I was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.

7. my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer

8. my father was diagnosed with colon cancer. In the same year as my mom

9. the boys came to live with us full time. Wow - what a change!

10. I had weight loss surgery - the Duodenal Switch. This blog chronicles this life changing event.

The last 10 years have been challenging, rewarding, soul sapping, soul raising, life affirming and horrendously sad among so many other things. Work has been a great part of that - at times leading me to great joy and at other times adding incredible stress and heartache. The common thread for the past 10 years is that my personal life and work life were never separate. They were threads weaving together... one affecting the other... some times each a little weak, sometimes each a little strong. Overall they have woven the fabric of a good life. I am thankful for all the experiences - for they have allowed me to grow stronger.

Wow 10 years... I did that?

The first victim of daylight savings

I missed Aquafit this morning. Not because I didn't want to go. Simply because it never crossed my mind to move the clock forward...grrr! Unfortunately I no longer have the ability to jump out of bed and run. I need to give myself enough time to do the morning routine thing - to do otherwise would be nothing short of foolish.

So Erin and Amber - sorry! I'll be there next week ready to float on out of my swim suit.

The Problem with our Schools

Yesterday was report card day and as always the household was an interesting mix of anticipation and dread. Before I go into a rant that befits the title of this entry let me share a brief summary of results

Mr. 15 - 5 Week Progress Report Semester 2

He seems to be doing better - other than his computing course which we discovered he had missed 4 assignments already, everything else seems to be in order. This is a huge improvement and one that makes it almost possible to dust off that down beaten emotion commonly known as "hope"

Mr. 13 - 2nd Term Report

2 D's, 2 B-'s... the rest a combination of C+, C and C-'s. The overall comment is that he is inconsistent, needs to take responsibility for his own learning, often comes unprepared and without his books, doesn't always do his homework and needs to write in full sentences with punctuation (yes this is grade 8). This report card has triggered the upcoming rant.

Ms 7 - 2nd Term Report

1 B+, the rest a combination of A-, A and A+'s. The comments were all glowing. This kid loves school, she's motivated and she has natural ability.

Can you say a real mixed bag?

The problem that I have is that the Mr. 13's grades and comments do not match some of the key indicators on the report card. On the Ontario Elementary report cards there are three overall categories (wording from memory)

1. Progressing well towards promotion

2. Progressing towards promotion with some difficulty

3. Promotion at risk - remedial action required

Mr. 13 was rated a 1. Excuse me? Since when do C's which are considered approaching the provincial standard (not at or above) indicate that someone is progressing well? His behavioural anchors including homework completion and initiative were all good's or satisfactory's. How could that be if someone doesn't do their homework and is often not prepared for class? The message that this report sends this inherently lazy kid is that it's ok to be mediocre, to not put in the effort, and to not take responsibility because we're going to pass you anyway. This kid goes to high school in September. In high school they won't hold his hand. In high school he will drown. And he will drown not just because he is lazy and unwilling to put in the effort, he will drown because the elementary school system is pushing him that way. My view - if you can't/ don't do the work right the first time you do it again until you get it right. i.e.. hold his sorry ass back for a year. Ensure the feedback matches the behaviour.

I am so annoyed - the school system is effectively failing him because it won't say "you need to try harder" and if you don't here are the possible consequences. I will be seeking an interview with his teacher and the principal after March Break - this is just wrong.

I missed it again

Tonight my wonderful Ms 7 year old tested for her Taikwando green belt. I just received a text message from my husband to say that she was finished and had done really well. So why am I sitting here in tears? Cause I heard about it in a text message. This is her third belt she's tested for since starting as a white belt in September and it's the third one I've missed. November I was covering as the site manager until 9pm, December I was recovering from surgery and today I'm covering as the site manager again. Sigh... I would have loved to see her tonight, she's worked really hard this week to finish all the requirements so that she would be ready to test. I am so proud of that kid. She doesn't like to lose. She struggles with the line drills at Taikwando because physically she's not the fastest. She struggles because she hates to come last. She's persevered though in the face of mommy saying that we were committed to keep her there until September 2007. It was a "suck it up" lesson and she clearly heard me and decided to give it her best effort. I am very proud of you my little friend.

Multiple Sclerosis and Me

It's hard to believe that it been nearly 5 years since I was diagnosed with MS.

In January of 2002 I had a fall and subsequently had trouble with my legs for the next 6 weeks. I didn't think anything of it - figured that I had pinched a nerve or something in the fall and that it would eventually get better. It did. Then in March I had a more scarier occurrence. A blinding headache for about a week and then loss of partial vision in one eye. The ophthalmologist diagnosed me with optic neuritis and arranged for me to have an MRI and some other tests. After the appointment I trundled home, googled optic neuritis and found that 80% of people diagnosed with this condition develop MS in the following 5 years. At that point I knew.

Neurologist appointments, tests and more tests and by July, through a process of elimination I was diagnosed with MS. It was a relatively painless process. MS was not a big scary thing because my sister in law had been diagnosed in late 1999. We already knew a lot about the disease.

Since then I tend to have about 2 episodes per year. One related to my legs. Basically the tops of my legs feel exceptionally heavy, almost like you want to pick them up to move them. The other tends to be a mild bout with optic neuritis. So far I have fully recovered from each exacerbation. I feel very lucky.

My involvement with MS these days is more about fund raising. Raising money to help those struggling with the disease now. Raising money to find a cure. Both are equally important. I am again involved with the MS Super Cities Walk. If you would like to support me in my efforts to find a cure to this unpredictable disease here is a link that will take you to my fund raising page.

https://msors.mssociety.ca/Walk2007/Sponsor.aspx?&PID=906718&L=2

The process is secure and simple. It is possible to donate from other countries. You donate in Canadian dollars - the conversion will appear on your credit card so you are charged in local dollars.

Hopefully one day we'll be seeing the headline "Cure for MS Found!".

Weight Update

Today: 275lbs

After creeping back up to , and sitting at, 280 lbs for quite a few days I am very relieved to see the scale moving in the right direction.

It was very confusing to see the scale move up. I knew I couldn't possibly be eating enough to experience true weight gain but the "fat demons" in my head were quick to jump into action. I truly believe that the diet industry has it all wrong. Low carb, low cal, drugs etc should not be the primary focus. Much greater success would be had if we could somehow tap into the power of our minds - kill the demons. This may not be true of everyone but it certainly is true for me.

To squeeze or not to squeeze...

That is the question... the answers either way aren't pretty.

It would seem that I am one of the lucky DSers for whom this surgery means an abundance of nutrients building up in the intestine. Nutrients that the bad guys love. Nutrients that cause gas that could/should be bottled and shipped to Iraq to end the war forever. A course of Flagyl seemed to take care of the problem but within a week the bad guys were winning again. Tonight I started on a maintenance dose of Flagyl - the goal, over the next couple of months, will be to find the lowest dose possible that will allow me to live with my loved ones without causing dry gagging and watery eyes. Yes, it really is that bad.

So from Thursday until today I have had to practice extreme control in stopping the gas from escaping while in the presence of other human beings. I was getting quite good at it too. But I discovered that the side effect of that impressive squeezing is a hemorrhoid the size of which I didn't know could exist. I almost feel like I should name it...

So the basically if I don't squeeze I end up divorced and if I do, I end up with a little alien living on the dark side of the moon. Hmmmm... tough choice...

Why on earth would a normal sane person share this in such a public forum? Well, I know there are readers out there researching their options. This is my experience and it is possible for others too. I researched far and wide before putting my life in Dr L's hands - I knew of the possibilities going in. But ya know, the things that stuck most were the stories that people shared. The stories of the impacts. The stories of the successes and the stories of the heart breaks.

Hopefully one person will find this helpful, the rest of you can now stop laughing!

The Easy Way Out

Time and time again you hear/read/experience stories where people pass judgment about weight loss surgery being the easy way out. That self control and exercise is all you need. Everyone knows someone who has successfully lost a large amount of weight and managed to keep it off... why can't you do that too?

What they don't realize is that only 5% of people who lose significant amounts of weight sustain it. The failure rate is 95%. It is why as a society we are getting fatter. I truly admire anyone who can lose weight and keep it off - whether they do it alone, with weight loss surgery, with hypnosis... whatever. No matter which way you do it is nothing but hard work.

I can only speak to my experience with the Duodenal Switch - everyone's story is different - and I can say that it has not been all smooth sailing.

On the plus side I have lost a significant amount of weight in a short period of time. There is no denying that. In order for me to do that I have had to change my eating significantly. I can't eat as much but that doesn't stop me from 'wanting' more. I have had to learn/am still learning to deal with head hunger. Previously I always had the option to eat more - now I simply don't. Sugar and other simple carbs, when consumed in any quantity will have me spending more time in the bathroom that I wish to. It also means trying to control explosive noxious gas which is painful and embarrassing in one hit. This is forever - there is no falling off the wagon. All the habits and comfort responses that we had in relation to food are stripped away. You have to find a way to deal with life. That is not easy. WLS forces you to do this quickly. That is not easy. There is no way to hide anymore. That is not easy.

Self control and exercise are still a big part of overall success - the difficult part of WLS on top of that is finding ways to cope with the things that made you fat in the first place. Choosing to take that option, and I understood this going in, is not easy. Choosing to risk immediate death by going under the knife as a super morbidly obese person is not easy.

For people like me WLS, whichever one you choose, is a tool that when worked properly will help me lose the weight that I need to attain better health. But it is is far from easy.

Sometimes You Just Have to Laugh

Did you know that fat floats? I had always known this but never equated it with my fat boobs floating... in fact floating right out of my bathing suit as I struggled to keep up with the young little fit thing directing us through a 45 minute Aquafit session. I think I spent more time trying to get the girls back into their less than stellar restraints than I did actually flailing my arms around in a bid to work with the natural resistance of the water. Note to self... need a better swimsuit for this sort of thing.

If that wasn't comedic enough, next came... getting dressed. I almost feel like I need a drum roll. Because of my many numerous scars on my abdomen I prefer to get dressed in a private change room so off I trundle to the family change rooms. Now like all washroom doors there is always a crack of half an inch or so around the doors but with careful positioning it is totally possible to get dressed without overly exposing ones self.

It does however require some coordination. Thanks to rubbery arms (I guess that resistance was working) and a bra that is tight but usually manageable I could not for the life of me do up my bra. The logistics goes something like this. Lean forward so massively sagging boobs are pointing directly southward. Scoop said boobs into the hug slingshot bra. Breath in, reach back and try to get hooks into the first row of eyes. Readjust boobs and viola, not half a bad bust line. Yesterday it took me five attempts to get this done. My arms were like jello and I could not pull the bra tight enough to allow for hooking. I was doing all this while trying to keep my elephant butt from being visible through aforementioned door cracks.

I had to laugh at myself - from a pure slapstick humour point of view - this was a doozy. I hope that I haven't traumatized some young little thing that got a peek while all this was happening.

Watch out Janet Jackson - I may just beat you for the title of "queen of the wardrobe malfunction"

Feeling Blue

I don't know if I'm suffering from the typical mid winter blahs or if I'm truly down but regardless, I'm not feeling myself today.

There's no one thing that's getting me down but my general malaise is making everything a little harder to deal with.

For starters, I've put on weight. Since measuring myself at a low of 277 I've bounced back to 280. My head tells me that it's only temporary but it feels too long. All the old fears come rushing to the forefront. To make matters worse, the gas is back with a vengeance. I finished my Flagyll a few days ago and today I am suffering. Looks like it's time to go back to the doctor and get a maintenance dose. This after telling her yesterday I was doing great... how quickly things can change. The gas thing definitely has an impact - it makes me so uncomfortable and so self conscious. Not to mention so stinky!

Next - Mr 13 is driving me to drink...well in my mind anyway. He's been an obnoxious disrespectful little turd this week and I'm worn out. I actually yelled at him... this is so not me. I'm not a yeller, I tend to silently stew. Well he got a rise out of me. Beaten down by a 13 year old... yep, doesn't get more sad than that...sigh...

Lastly, and of great concern, I'm feeling very apathetic towards my work. This hasn't happened in a long time and I can't afford to have it happen now. Things were going so well... am I just trying to shoot myself in the foot? Can't sabotage myself with food so let's take it out on another part of my life? Crap - I hope not.

There ya have it, throwing myself a major pity party when in reality I really shouldn't. Others have it far worse than I do... I need to give myself a shake.

Another Perspective

I was looking at the progress photo's I had taken to date and thought I'd throw these in for fun.

Side views taken before surgery (looking at these you can understand why OHIP approved me!) and at the three month mark.

Month 3 Photo Comparison

Month 3 was definitely an interesting one. Lots of stalls. Relatively slow weight loss compared to what I still have to lose but still it went down. For the month I lost 12lbs meaning that I am down 72lbs since surgery. I am very happy with the overall loss but have to admit that I was hoping for a little more this month. It's hard to change the all or nothing mentality after years and years of dieting failure I guess. The good news is that I am handling it a lot better than I thought I was ever capable of. The reality is that going back to bad habits, falling off the wagon just is not an option. If I do so I would be horribly sick. I am more scared of that reaction than I am of gaining weight again... hmmm... maybe this surgery was a good idea :)

So now to the photos. I have realized that depending on how your monitor is configured you will see these differently so inevitably the writing ends up in the wrong place. I have no idea how to fix that so I am going to simply say that the four photos represent Pre-surgery (350lbs), Month 1 (-42lbs) ;Month 2 (-60lbs) and Month 3 (-72lbs). There is not much of a visible difference between months 2 and 3 but I am down another size. Yay - wearing jeans with no holes!

I'm back in, I'm back in!

Well that was no fun! Three weeks ago I signed in to blog a post or two and I was forced to upgrade. Since then I have not been able to get in. I can't post from work because all external email sites are blocked and since this is now being entered through gmail I've been pooched.

The problem turned out to be a very simple cookie issue. Holy crap - all this stress for a simple cookie.

Now I'm in watch out... I have a bunch of words just dying to get out!