Ho Hum...

218.6 Bored yet? I am...lol

I spoke with my Dr. today about getting the IUD yanked. She was a little surprised but that's ok. I wasn't asking her, I was informing her of what I was about to do.

I also spoke with her about a weird pain I've had the last week which starts in my upper gum and shoots up around my nose. Weird. Painful as sin. Quick. I didn't really think anything of it the first couple of times but it occurred enough for it to rate a mention while I was there. She wants my dentist to take a look.

I also mentioned it to my neurologist today while I was having my annual MS checkup. He also suggested the dentist after doing a thorough examination but more as a rule it out option. It could be some form of neuralgia. Apparently MS patients are more susceptible to it. I looked it up. The nickname for it is the "suicide disease". This does not please me.

I am not getting too worked up about it - we'll see if it continues. If it does then I'll acknowledge that I have a problem. Apparently the pain is the worse known to man, hence the nickname. I'm hoping for a cavity!

Weight Update

217 something... at least that's 4lbs down from the last few days. Amazing what a fat loaded day can do for the digestive system. I swear I pooped out all 4lbs! Now there's a picture you wish I hadn't left you with.

Aging Parents

My mum was 18 when she had me. My dad 23. They were young and stupid. That was 42 years ago and growing up I was always very aware of how young my parents were. As I got older it obviously became a blessing because I realized that my parents would likely be around for a long time. Once I got part my teenage years that was a very comforting thought.

But we all continue to age. And now they are older. Mum is 60 and Dad 65. Both have had their challenges with illness over recent years.

Mum is into year three of living with pancreatic cancer. Her body has accommodated two years of chemotherapy quite well. Last blood test showed that her cancer count was higher than it had been but no need for panic yet. She has another follow-up in February so at that point we should know more in terms of this being an uphill trend or whether it was just a blip.

Two years ago, at the same time that Mum was diagnosed, dad was recovering from his first, and almost fatal, colon cancer surgery. Since then he has had a second surgery and was diagnosed with diabetes that also almost killed him. Although he feels well, a few months ago it was noticed that his white blood cell count was elevated. The ruling is back. Leukemia. We will know more about what type at the end of February but the specialist is speculating that he may have another 10 years. If that's the case then he's lived a long life even despite the recent challenges.

What struck with though is that in 10 years I will have no parents left. At some point the cancer will take Mums life. She is doing remarkably well given that this is a particularly nasty cancer but in the end it will win. Dad will follow after her. And even though you know that at some point your parents will die I have actually been given a medical opinion as to when it may happen. I have a more definitive idea, rather than the vague notion that at some point age will get us all. It's an odd sensation and quite frankly I'm still processing it. I found out about dad only last night.

Didn't see that one coming!

January 15th was my 90 day anniversary at my new job. In Ontario that now means that it's harder to get rid of me. Always a comforting thought right?

Well today I was due to have an update meeting with my boss. Her boss joined us. They are going to announce an organizational restructure. My boss is now my ex boss. Her boss is now my new boss. And my world just more than doubled in size. I went from five managers to eight, I went from a total team of 32 to around 70. I think I've just been promoted. Did I mention I've been there just three months?

I'm extremely flattered. I've obviously done something right. I'm also a little shell shocked. My lack of time to pee is well documented = how the heck am I going to manage this one? Holy crap.

The announcements will be made on Monday and at that time I will be able to share more information. I need that time to absorb what is being asked of me. I have so much to learn. I already had a lot to learn. Did I say holy crap? Just in case, holy crap!

It's been quite the week.

For those of you that have been following my journey you may recall that I was offered one role with this company but before I signed on the dotted line was offered the Director of Training role instead. The person who was the training director then took the original role I was offered. That person, my predecessor, was let go on Tuesday. Then this. Holy crap. I think I need to buy a lottery ticket.

I can honestly say that I did not see this one coming.

I think I've figured it out.

The moodiness, the cravings, the stupid eating... I'm pregnant.

Oh wait...no I'm not. I have an IUD. Since October. Weightloss has stalled. Since October. Hmmm. Google "weight gain IUD". The first post up was about Mirena. Hmmm. That's the one I have. Much reading later and I have decided that this sucker is coming out. There is enough evidence to indicate that some woman (10%) gain weight with Mirena. I have stalled but should have lost about 15lbs on a conservative estimate. So a stall is like a "normal" persons gain. So - whether I am right or wrong it's coming out.

I did not have my insides surgically rearranged to have it foiled by a little...well..foil. I would rather take the pill and the increased risk of anemia than this. I have been acting more pregnant than when I was pregnant. I never had mood swings. I sure as heck do now. My boobs are fuller. I don't need that.

Feb 21st was to be my three month check up. This is now the date for me to get rid of this thing and hopefully free my body to do what it has been designed to do. Lose weight.

Thank you

I just had coffee with a person whom I am very lucky to call a friend. I feel better. Laural also had the DS surgery, about 7 months after I did, so she understands what it is to go through the surgery. While my experience is obviously different than hers what she has given me is the gift of perspective. It was so helpful for me today to sit and talk about where I'm at and to listen to her challenges. It all goes back to what I harp on about on a regular basis - support through this journey is so all important. Maybe I need to listen to myself a little more and reach out in a tangible way.

Laural I hope you know what an amazing person you are. Thank you for being you.

Writing the difficult stuff

Being honest is sometimes difficult. Often people are hurt by honesty. Being honest to yourself is at times the most difficult thing of all. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, unsure...sometimes it's easier to play ostrich than be honest.

If I was being honest I would openly declare that I have had enough of playing the DS game. I would declare that I am no longer enjoying the process and I am not getting the same level of pleasure out of the results. I would have to tell everyone that as much as I try I am struggling to eat for success. My biggest fear is that I am not eating for health let alone for weight loss. I would state that I feel like I was spiraling out of control.

But to be honest would mean opening myself up to criticism. Being honest would mean having to hear things that I may not want to hear, even though those things need to be said. I would need to hear that I can't live my instant gratification alone. I would hear that I made a commitment and if I want to live a healthy life I have no choice but to stay the course. Eat the way I need to to. Take vitamins the way I need to (and I do). Drink the water than I need to (5 bottles yesterday).

I feel like a fraud.

And I feel so tired. For the past few weeks... all the time. It is likely not the weight loss, or lack there of. It is more likely my Multiple Sclerosis giving me a run for my money. It happens. But it reminds me too that even though I am thinner, there is still shit in my life (like the MS) that doesn't go away. It will still take whatever course it's going to take. It's one of the big unknowns.

I wonder if that's why I'm struggling in part. It's the lack of certainty that I will succeed. If I give it my best shot and fail, then it makes me a failure right? It means that I'm not capable. If I fail but haven't yet given it my best shot then it merely means that I haven't tried enough...right? In question is my will, not my ability.

I'm rambling. I guess I needed to get it out. Now I need to figure it out. Because if I was being honest with myself I would recognize that I truly have a problem.

Holy Crap 221.5

5 lbs in a day... I know it can't be "real"... I don't eat 5lbs worth in a day but man when you're as messed up as I am about your weight it sure as heck feels real. This stuff just sucks!

I just wanted to say a quick thanks to Kimmer for commenting on my last post. Kim is a DS success story personified. She made a comment about exercise (yeah I know) and water. 80 oz a day. For us metric folks that 2.5 litres or 10 glasses a day. Of water. With nothing in it. Yuk.

Seriously though she raises a good point. I do not drink plain water. I drink green tea, I drink iced tea, I drink crystal light, I drink coke zero, I drink Starbucks. I developed an aversion to the taste of water with my surgery and in order to get in enough fluid I started to flavour it from day one. I've never gone back. Maybe that's something I need to look at.

I also need to exercise. I have said it so many times and yet here I sit not having started a thing. No need to shake your heads at me - I'm shaking my head at me.

The water thing I can do. Tomorrow I will take 5 bottles to work with me. If I do it at work I stand half a chance. My challenge will be getting to the washroom since my time is seriously tide up all day, nearly every day. But I'll give it a shot. Let's start there and then work up to the next change.

Thanks for the suggestion Kim - I really appreciate it. I will also track down your email - I have some questions around exercise. I clearly need help with that.

Weight Update

Yesterday 218.8, today 216.4... just call me yo yo.

It's starting to get the point that I am beginning to wonder whether I'll ever reach my goal weight. For the past three months I have been hovering at this weight. Am I unhappy with it? When I look at where I have come from the answer is no. I am thrilled that I look different, feel different...heck, I am different. Am I pleased with it overall. No.

With a BMI of 31 I am still obese. The fact that I had a BMI of 51 doesn't mean much when the word obese is still part of the descriptor. I need to lose another 11lbs just to be overweight. That seems like a long way away at this point.

Doing the right thing is tough when the hoped for results aren't materializing... I need to reframe what my picture of success looks like.

Weight Update

217.8lbs. 'nuff said

Weight Update

217.4lbs

Food today:

3 boiled eggs
1 protein shake
Brie and lavash crackers
1 cup of mixed nuts
2/3 cup bbq pork
3 skewers of chicken satay
1 cup pot roast
1 SF venti caramal machiatto breve (to be known as CMB from now on)
1 cracker with peanut butter.

I will eat again - I am having a hungry day. My body is telling me it needs to eat. And it really is a need. I started to burp. It's always a sure fire sign that either I'm hungry or I'm full. Thank goodness there is a difference in the accompanying sensation else I'd be screwed!

The weight is doing the down a little, up a little dance. I'm not too happy about that but I do feel better so I'll keep plugging away. Tomorrow I may even get in a... wait for it... walk... gasp. I said it!

Memories

Form so much of who we are. Memories of our childhood, our friends, our family. All are building blocks in the life that we build for ourselves.

I've always thought that I have a very good memory. My short term memory, up until the aging process started to kick in, was phenomenal. Lately it's been ok but nothing to write home about.

That however is not my concern. What I realized on the weekend, and what has disturbed me greatly, is that I have very few memories of my high school years. My memories of my pre teens are sketchy but they are there. I have very little memory of any of my high school years. I can't remember teachers names nor do I have a visual of these people that I spent so much time with, I remember some of my classes only vaguely, others not at all. I remember certain events, like the time I was in the choir for my fair lady but I remember very little about the productions themselves. I know there were several but not from memory, from logic. The production was huge, we must have done it more than once. I remember sitting outside on the concrete, legs smothered in baby oil as we fried ourselves brown. I don't remember graduating. But I did.

Is it normal to have so few memories? Today I am remembering a little more than when we were sitting in my favourite restaurant swapping high school stories. The conversation was very one sided.

Out of curiousity I googled memory loss today. Maybe this is a result of my MS? Unlikely. Apparently the MS is much more likely to affect short term memory than long term remote memory. It could be mental illness. Again unlikely. It could be repression caused by a traumatic experience that I had. If that's the case I don't know about it and quite frankly don't want to think about it. So I have no more answers than I did when I started looking into it.

It is disturbing to think that so much of me is missing. How can I honestly relate to my children as they go through the challenges of high school if I don't remember mine? What happened then that shaped who I am today? I don't know. Weird.

The weekends go so fast

I really wish I could have appreciated unemployment when I had it... the weekends go so fast! There is simply no time to get things done... well, to get everything done. Today was a pretty productive one. Most of the Christmas stuff is packed away, Ms 8 got her hair cut, Ms 8's room is nearly tidy (and that took some serious doing!), I cooked dinner (which we didn't eat...long story) and I got the laundry done. Not bad. I even managed to get in my daily Starbucks so all is well with the world.

Weight this morning 216.4 lbs.

Doing good on the liquid, protein is a little low today I think and carbs are a little higher but that's ok. Tomorrow I'm shooting for an ultra low carb day, then the next a little higher. I'm subscribing to the "mix it up" theory but generally keeping to the high protein low carb regime.

Work is going to get even more insane since we are entering performance appraisal time. This year should be interesting since I haven't even been there for 3 months yet but will be responsible for delivering appraisals to my five managers. It just means a lot of work this time around getting everyone's input - I owe it to them to get them a balanced review. I'm sensing a few work at home days in my future as I try to plow through this stuff.

The kids go back to school tomorrow and it's time to get the bets in... how long before we get the first call or first email from one of Mr 16's teachers? My money is on 13 days.

Time to grab a drink and relax with hubby for a little while before heading off to bed. One of these days I'm going to get smart and start going to bed before midnight. This 5 - 6 hour sleep stuff if just silly.

Day 3

Weight: 216lbs

Not getting excited yet. I've been here before. I need to see a sustained loss that gets me below 215 before I get excited.

Food today:

5 chicken satays (50g)
1 cup of mixed nuts (22g)
1 protein shake (35g)
1 Venti SF Caramel, caramel machiatto breve (14g)
Pork Tenderloin (35g)
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
2 dark chocolate squares

It's been a good food day. Lots of protein and just a little carb for variation. I've been focusing on my fluids - green tea and coke zero have been favorites. It's funny I haven't been a real fan of pop but coke zero is one that I can drink without feeling like I'm going to explode. It's helping get over the sweet cravings... whatever works right?

January Challenge - Day 2

So it's been two days since I decided that I really needed to stop being a train wreck... the rails wobbled a bit on day one, today was better. Copy and pasted from emails I sent myself...

Thursday 3rd

This morning 219.2

Breakfast - 3 boiled eggs (18g)

Snack - 1 cup of mixed nuts (22g)

Snack - 1 can of Weider Pure Pro protein shake (35g)

And then there was downfall. I thought I'd have time to go out to buy my lunch. I was wrong.

2 bags of potato chips (6g protein... and less than 50g of carbs!)

and then 2 donuts from the vending machine. Not what I was going for but is what I got. I ate them because I was hungry and simply could not wait. Crap. Oh well... there's still at least 10 hours of this day for me to redeem myself. I am sensing a high protein dinner in my very near future!

Dinner: Chicken Korma and Naan bread

Great Website: http://www.highproteinfoods.net/

'Twas not a good day in the end.

Friday 4th

This morning 217.2

Definitely not reflective of my eating yesterday but...whatever! The learning for me was that I have to have food with me at work. I cannot plan to go out for lunch. It simply doesn't work.

Today:

Breakfast: Brie cheese on chipolte flavoured Lavash crackers (30g), Iced venti SF caramel, caramel macchiato, breve (14g)

Snack: Protein Shake (35g)

Lunch: left over Chicken Korma (25g?)
Snack: 1 cup of nuts (22g)
Dinner: 1 chili cheese burrito (15g)
Snack: Iced Venti Concoction that I had this morning (14 g)
Snack: 2 cookies and some chocolate

I feel better today - I feel more in control even though my carbs ended up being a little higher than I would have liked. It'll be interesting to see if the scale responds to me eating more...more protein and more fat.

RIP Lucie

The main purpose of this post is not to talk about what I did or did not eat but to reflect, yet again on the drastic measure that is weight loss surgery.

A bit of context.

Yesterday morning, Lucie, mom to Brianna and Maxim, wife to Stephane passed away. She had the DS surgery with Dr L in October. The surgery itself went well. She died as a result of infection of the surgical wound. Lucie had her surgery in Michigan but was treated for her infection in Ottawa. There is obviously a lot more to the story than I write here but the details right now are not important.

Yesterday two children lost their mom and it has profoundly affected me. For many of us who make the decision to take the life altering step of surgery to treat our obesity, one of the driving forces behind that decision is/was our children. We want to be around to see our children grow. We want to be the role models we know we should be. We want to be able to be there for our children in a very real way... to get down on the floor to play with them, to run after them, to be able to sit in the seats at the hockey arena and cheer them on, to have them never experience the taunting of others because their parent is so super fat. We make the decision to "live" for our children, all the while knowing that the very surgery we need could take that life away from our children. Each of us, before surgery, experienced the fear of what that could look like. I blogged about it when I first started this blog. I know I am not alone in this.

All those emotions I felt before my surgery have come back now as I think of those two children. I did not know Lucie well. We were members of the same board at obesityhelp.com. We knew that there was an infection but her posts were upbeat. Dr L was involved. They sent her home with home nursing care. All this indicated to getting better. We did not expect this. I'm sure her husband and children did not expect this.

I know my post is circuitous at best. I'm not sure if there is any one single point that I'm trying to make. So many thoughts.

To the newbies please know - what happened to Lucie is extremely rare. It was not the DS surgery that killed her. It was an infection. An infection that you could get when you go for dental work. For any surgery. You need to be aware of the risks of the DS. You need to be aware of the risks of general surgery. You need to listen to your body and self advocate when things are not as they should be

To Lucie's family - you are in my thoughts constantly. I am shedding tears for your loss - she was a wonderful, warm person.That came through clearly in her posts. I cannot begin to comprehend your pain right now.

To Dr L - I am sorry for your loss. I know that you feel a great sense of responsibility for all your patients and I know that this has also profoundly affected you. You have provided so many of us here in Ontario with a new lease on life and even though you are physically in another country you have always been accessible to us when we needed it.

Hope and Inspiration

For all you new DSers or DS want to be's there is a blog that is simply a must read. Tia of Getting Switched fame is a woman whom I admire greatly. She has achieved an amazing level of success already and continues on her journey with incredible insight and dignity that I can't help but be inspired.

Today, after writing my previous post, I read her blog to catch up from where I left off before my mini vacation and I cried. I cried because in her writing I see some of the challenges that I face but in her reactions I see the way things could be. She has such a wonderful approach to her weight loss. She's determined but she's human. She's not so perfect that I can't relate but she's smart and resourceful - it makes it very easy for me to identify with her. Now if only I can be as smart about my current dilemma as she is.

Anyway, Tia has started a 30 day of good nutrition and exercise goal. I've blown the first few days but I am going to join her for the remainder of the month. Maybe doing this with someone who is in the same boat as me will help me get things back on track. My accountability will happen here. I will post daily - even if just a few lines since work is keeping me exceptionally busy. I will weigh myself and at the end of the month, on the 30th, I will take my 14 month photos.

Thanks Tia. I don't think you realize what impact you have when you write but you have certainly touched me. Thank you

No photo's no official weight

13 months have come and gone. I didn't take photo's and I didn't go in for an official weigh in.

Why?

Well, my weight hasn't moved at all. I weigh the same today as I did a month ago. Two months ago. I don't look any different than I did a month ago so I have officially slipped into a state of apathy. It's the why bother phase.

Now, did I expect to lose weight? The answer is no. So it's not a matter of being disappointed. I have for all intents and purposes been eating like crap. I have consumed more sugar and carbs in the last month than I have in the last year combined. I have eaten jelly belly's until I dreamed about them in my sleep. I have consumer more chocolate than I did when I was super fat.

The good news is that I did not put on weight. The bad news is that I can eat a lot of this crap with fairly few consequences. The worse news is that I made these choices which tells me that my head is no where near where it needs to be. I am abusing this gift called the DS - testing limits that need not be tested. I am falling very easily into habits that made me super morbidly obese. Crap - this is not what I want for myself but I am having trouble reigning it back in. I am struggling kicking the sugar slut out of my life.

What is it that makes an intelligent woman make these choices? I know it's not the ghrenlin - that was taken care of when a large chunk of my stomach was cut away. Logically I come to the conclusion that it's all head stuff. I think I need help. Time to look into get me some counseling before I screw this one up completely. I've worked too hard to now undo it all. I seem to have this failure button that gets pressed every time I get too close to success. A button that I press myself. I remember reading someones blog that mentioned train wrecks, and how hard it was to look away. Well, I'm beginning to think I was the train wreck waiting to happen but didn't have the foresight to see it at the time. Crap.

Anyway - I will be reaching out for help. I'm not sure what's out there but a journey starts with the first step right? Time to call my employee assistance program.