5 month Update Part II

Went to my PCP for my 5 month check out and her scale said 257. Given that we're normally spot on in weights, I'm going to take hers. I'm happy to fool myself to register the extra 2 lbs for a month. Sad but true.

So the month has been a slow one. 5.2lbs if you take my scale this morning or 8lbs if you take the PCP's. What's going on?

I'm thinking it's the carbs. I haven't been great about watching my carbs this month. Carb snacks are easier to take and much more accessible than non carb ones. I've been reaching for the carbohydrates and I believe it's having an impact. I'm also not exercising. The DS has done all the work until now but it makes sense to me that I need to build my lean muscle mass in order to maximize the long term benefits.

So for one month I am going to work this DS like it should be worked. Maintain Carbs below 70g a day, ensure protein is between 100 and 120 a day and drink all my fluids. I want to see what I'm capable of this month. Will it make a difference to my loss? Thanks Tia for the inspiration for this - you're doing amazingly.

I'll take photo's tonight - after getting on the scale this morning I was in no mood to capture this month.

On a slightly different note. I spoke to my PCP about my menstrual cycle. I take a birth control pill which normally regulates my cycle very well. What I have noticed the last few months is that my periods are unpredictable, coming every two to three weeks. My major concern is birth control - it's not safe to have a child so soon after the surgery (not that I want another at all...ever!) What she told me is that female hormones are stored in our fat so when we start to lose weight it really messes with our hormones (hmmm...maybe that could explain the frustration I've been feeling). So while I am still protected, ie not ovulating, the lining of the uterus is getting mixed messages and off it goes into another cycle. Interesting.

Time to go eat before heading out for a workshop on how to market yourself...

5 month Update

259.8

Enough said.

I don't think I want to be a part of this family anymore

I now get it. I understand why people break up families. I understand that people can feel so hopeless about a future that they destroy their present. I understand why parents walk away from their responsibilities to their children - because they have lost hope. Because they have lost themselves in a pit of sucking endless need and greed.

As I sit here dumping my frustrated thoughts no doubt shocking many of my readers I feel a sense of hopelessness that I cannot get away from. The reality of my life is that my children are selfish self centred thoughtless morally challenged individuals. They care for no one but themselves, they do not have the moral fibre to own up when they are/do wrong and they lack the caring that would have them try to set it right.

It's the parents fault, cry the indignant...well, you know what, it isn't. We have always valued independence, hard work and honesty. We live it and we reward it. I live in world where respect is earned as is trust. They live in a world where they expect everything to be handed to them on a silver platter. Our worlds are very different and I'm tired of trying to bridge those two worlds. Right now I cannot see the reward, namely children who grow to be contributing adults that leave positive marks on the world and people they interact with. I do not know how to steer them in the right direction anymore. Nothing works. I can not make them care. My rant is largely aimed at my sons but I see red flags concerning my daughter as well. This devastates me.

It's tough realizing that this is likely the reality for me until they leave home. Thank goodness for my husband. He has been wonderful lately and I am finding myself falling in love with him all over again. Hopefully together we can stay strong.

Deep breath. Time to go and deal with life. As sucky as it may be.

Open Letter to OHIP

To the out of country coverage assessment team,

Our health care system is often much maligned. As Canadians we have enormous expectations of a process that we proudly call our own, even as we are superbly critical of it. Daily in the news we hear about the failures of the system - we are a society that dwells on our failures. I wanted to take the opportunity to thank you for one of the systems successes. To thank you for making me one of the success stories.

In September 2006 you approved me for weight loss surgery, more specifically the Duodenal Switch. With a BMI of 50.1 and co morbidities that included sleep apnea, history of familial cancer and degenerative disk disease, as well as suffering from Multiple Sclerosis, I was guaranteed to be a drain on the health care system for many years to come.

My surgery was nearly five months ago and the change in my life has been nothing short of miraculous. I have lost 92lbs. I no longer have sleep apnea. My blood pressure is that of a teenagers. My MS attacks still occur but the latest one, where I lost all sensation in one leg, was manageable because I was more mobile. I was light enough for it not to be a major issue. I have energy. I feel better and so much more confident.

While confidence is not a medical necessity it is a life one, one that has become much more valuable for me since I was recently downsized after 10 years of working with my company. I can not imagine trying to get a job at 350lbs. Obesity is the last acceptable form of discrimination. Your approval means I am now much more likely to get another job without facing this form of discrimination. My skills will be more visible than my weight.

Your approval has given me back to my family. It has positively impacted my health. It has given me back my life.

There is no way that I can ever thank you enough for approving my request for this surgery. I will be forever in your debt.

Weight Update

I've been a little cagey about my weight the last couple of weeks. As per usual when things get tough I tend to go into caveman/ avoidance mode but in reality that has helped me very little this time. It's been playing on my mind big time.

So... the summary. From my low of 259 I jumped back up to 263.8 in a period of about 6 days. I don't have an explanation for this. As this happened I reacted in my pre surgery way of WTF... why am I avoiding all the things I like when it's not working anyway. I ate a lot of chips over the past 4 days as my mature and rationalized reaction to my weight gain. Sheesh. What I was more likely dealing with was a period of lashing out in reaction to losing my job but it was hard to recognize that when I was in the throes of it.

The good news is that the DS is still working. As I upped my protein and got my fluids back on track the weight started to fall again. This morning it was 258lbs. So far that is a loss of 7lbs for the month (my check date is the 30th of April for a full month tally). It's slow but it's a loss and given everything that's going on maybe I should be thankful for that.

I have to learn to be patient. I also have to learn to create an artificial structure for myself. Work provided that structure Monday to Friday and I need to find a way to replace that. I am too undisciplined just to wing it.

So - the good news is that I'm starting to see some positive movement. The bad news is that I clearly have not worked out some very deeply ingrained stress reactors.I just didn't know it until the stress level tipped into the stupidity level. I have some work to do.

My Interview Questions

Courtesy of Sharon and Sharon's so called life.

My questions:

1. Do you have any phobias/anything you are afraid of?

Phobias no. Afraid? I think my biggest fear is failure - my way of dealing with it is not to try too hard, that way I have an excuse right? Or maybe my biggest fear is success? Who knows - but I do struggle with it and I'm having a particularly hard time around my weight loss right now but that will be a separate post.

2. List your five CDs you would take to a desert island.

Amanda Marshall - Amanda Marshall
Nelly Furtado - Folklore
Brian Admas - So Far so Good (great to exercise to)
An 80s mix CD... too many to choose from
Enya - Shepherd Moons... extremely haunting

3. What the best present you've ever received?

Approval from OHIP for my DS surgery. It's the gift that will keep giving.

4. What is your favorite thing to do for fun?

I don't do fun very well anymore. Life is way too serious and grown up these days. If I have to choose though I would say going to see a good movie. A chance to detach from the reality of being grown up for a while. Ooohhh... got another one. Make fun of the kids behind their backs. We'd make a great sitcom family... it's a stress release thing. I'm not really a horrible person. Well, maybe just a little ;)

5. What did you want to be when you grew up (when you were a child)? A computer scientist (started it, hated it) a journalist and a lawyer.

Wanna play?

1. Leave me a comment saying, "Interview me."
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

Happy 60th Birthday Mum

Today is my Mum's 60th birthday. She is celebrating it with her twin sister who flew in from Holland to be with her. The significant thing is that she made 60. She made 60 and she's feeling good. She made 60 after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 18 months ago. This alone puts her in a very small minority of sufferers who live for a period greater than a year.

I am so grateful to have the opportunity to wish her a Happy 60th Birthday. Happy Birthday Mum.

Through the Noise

Yesterday as I sat among the roar of millions of litres of water being forced down slides, through fountains, and over waterfalls I found a moment of peace. The type of peace where you can hear your inner voice above all other noise. I was profoundly aware of my thoughts and observations. It was almost like a third person experience - as if someone else was narrating my thoughts.

I love to people watch - it's something that in the rush that is my life I have not done a lot of lately. Yesterday there was such a kaleidescope of humanity at Great Wolf Lodge. The baby girl who was happily passed from relative to relative over the course of the day always finding joy in her new care taker. She smiled and cooed her way through her day. Such innocent joy is nothing short of uplifting. The elderly couple. He with his tight speedo's and shocking white hair, she with her rounded edges and abundant laugh lines holding hands as they walked between water slides. They were clearly relishing the experience. In their 60's they enjoyed the activities of the young.

Through all of the surrounding noise and abundant people watching opportunities I took the chance to reflect. To reflect on where I am in life now and where I want to be. I took the chance to follow my inner voice on the journey that it wanted to take me at that point in time. It was exhilarating and peaceful at the same time. It was what I needed.

Spring has Sprung!

It is a gorgeous day out today...about 18 degrees celsius with just a hint of a breeze. I've put the sump pump on the pool cover which for me is the sign that summer is on the way at last. Hopefully next weekend we'll be able to open the pool and start the process of warming... if all goes to plan we'll be swimming in it by June.

The backyard needs some major work. The perennial garden at the back is a mess... what the heck does an Aussie know about North American plants???? Nothing. It shows! The neat thing is that this year I can make some time to do it. Even an hour a day will make the world of difference. What that really means that instead of the two week gardening frenzy in late June when we're getting ready for my daughters pool party, we should be able to relax and enjoy the yard instead. Very cool... there's got to be an upside to unemployment right?

In honour of this wonderful weather and my great mood I decided to go a little skimpier that I normally do. The pants I have on are too big... I've never worn them before. But I paired them (grey with white pin stripe) with a little black camisole with lace trim that does nothing to hide the fact that the weight loss around the bust is much slower than other parts of my body. Over the top a sheer black shirt, which while too big, looks fine hanging open loosely. I hate to say it but I actually feel kinda...sexy. Shock horror... it's been a long time! I tried on another camisole style top that was 16 -18 and while it was tight as all heck around the bust I could get it on.

I'm glad I tried on a few clothes. I am obviously still changing in size even though my weight loss continues at a snails pace. In fact this morning I was up 4lbs meaning that I'm down a whole 2 lbs for the month of April. I was not happy to see that. The clothes made me feel better.

I need to start tracking my food (I am hopeless when it comes to regular admin type stuff...my ex boss will attest to that) because I think that I may not be eating enough. I'm finding it harder now that I am at home because I do not have a regular schedule that I follow. I don't need to prepare enough food to get me through the day and so when I get busy (or lazy) I simply don't eat as regularly.

I will track for week (and post here) just so I can see what I'm doing. There's got to be a reason why my weight loss is what it is. Maybe I'm eating too many carbs or maybe not enough protein...who knows. From there I can work out what I need to try next.

Time to get back to work. We're going away for a weekend to Great Wolf Lodge Niagara Falls so I need to get myself organized.

I'm done

I am officially done... well, other than writing up some performance appraisal stuff which I will do tomorrow... I am done.

My pass is handed in, my stamp is gone, my keys are in my bosses hot little hands and my office is tidy. Today I deleted over 25,000 emails and all my electronic files. I put a final voice mail on my phone and out of office on Outlook. I am so done.

And I'm ok.

No tears. No remorse. No anger.

I'm starting to look forward to the next phase of my life. I have no illusions as to how soul sapping the search process is likely to be but I believe I'll be ok. I truly believe something better will come out of this.

So for me, I'm taking a few days off and then on Wednesday next week I go meet with the outplacement firm. Next Wednesday I start in earnest.

Thanks for the 10 years C - thanks for the opportunity to find something else.

Weight Loss Frustration

So this is month five for me. I have lost 91lbs. The total is mind boggling. I can't help but feel disappointed though with the pace of weight loss this month. Today is the 18th of April and I've lost just 6lbs. This wouldn't be bad if I had lost 6lbs just through dieting but I had my insides rearranged to make this happen. 6 lbs seems a little slow. And yes I know I'm sounding really whiny right now!

I guess my biggest concern is not so much the current 6lbs but the thought that if after only 4 months it has slowed down so much, what am I looking at 6 months out, 10 months out, 1 year out? Am I going to be losing so slowly that it takes me years to be where I want to be? Where I need to be?

If we were to analyze it a little further I'm sure that my current lack of control on the job front and home front is making me focus more again on the weight loss. I need to have control in one area of my life. Sigh...

10 years into one wheel away bin

Man that felt good... I threw out 10 years worth of clutter and history today. All that's left are my employees files and even they are bare bones minimum. On the agenda for tomorrow? Purging all electronic and the rest of my email files. And then I'm done. My goal is to finish tomorrow and not look back.

Angry

Today I feel angry. I am putting up a front for the sake of my team but today I am pissed. The more I think about it (and I have my lawyer to thank for putting the thought firmly in my head) the more I question the logic of what happened. My team is growing... I had an interview scheduled for one hour after I was told that I would no longer have a job. We're moving sites which is causing major attrition - my team trains the new folks. We're converting systems in early 2008... this is a huge job for us. So why let me go?

It's hard to not take it personally. But you have to question. Why me? My performance was fine - they told me it was not a performance issue. So why me? Could it be that I'm the more expensive of the two managers in Canada? After all I have at least 10 years experience on my colleague (whom I like by the way and hold in no way accountable) and that puts me in a higher salary bracket. Could it be that I'm the greater risk for absenteeism due to my multiple sclerosis? And yes, I do take more days off for this reason. Could it be that my company is self insured so the $25,000 they pay out for my MS medication is an attractive cost saving? Could it be... all these questions. And no answers. They will of course never admit that it has anything to do with my chronic illness but you have to question.

So today I'm pissed... a good frame of mind to be in. It'll help me be ruthless when it comes to cleaning out my office.

Support Group Meeting

This afternoon I went to a WLS support group meeting in Hamilton Ontario. The group was a real mix of people in terms of ages and background but more importantly in terms of surgeries. There were lapbanders, RNYers and a few DS gonna be's.

I've never been a support group kind of person but there is something comforting about being with people who truly know what it is to seek a medical intervention to a condition that was sapping them of life...whatever that medical intervention may be. At the meeting the facilitator asked us all to share something good we have done for ourselves. The point was of course that we tend not to do stuff for ourselves - we are not programmed to do for ourselves first.

My answer... I started this blog. I have never been able to keep a journal. I started a few as a child and teen but they never lasted long. For some reason this blog is different. This blog has been good for me because it has allowed me to explore things that in my pre surgery life I would placate, dull, drown in food. It allows me to share of myself for myself but also for others who are considering surgery as an option. It's a way for me to connect with those that have gone before me - please know that your feedback and comments have been invaluable while I've been on this huge learning curve. This has been good for me.

The other "good thing for me" was that I ordered a bicycle. As a thank you for 10 years of service I got to choose a gift from a catalog. I chose a bike over jewelry and all other frivolous things... go figure but I'm pretty proud of me.

It was a good way to end the weekend. Support is so critical when you choose to have WLS. I have my family, my colleagues, my online fellow Dsers and Ontario losers at ObesityHelps and now this support group. I feel very lucky.

24 hours later

Wow... I though the weight loss journey was a head ride. It is nothing compared to losing your job. Yesterday I was very practical about it. Very philosophical. Today? The emotions are much closer to the surface. I can't believe how uncontrollable the thoughts are - I'm thinking about it all the time. Anything ranging from the discussion itself, to how this will impact my relationship with my husband, to what I need to sort out in terms of logistics (when you work for a bank your whole financial situation tends to be tied up with them cause it's inexpensive). It's a constant stream of thoughts and emotions.

We told my team this morning. The bulk of the discussion was one big long lead up to saying Ann was impacted. Basically it was my bosses way of saying "I truly didn't know until Wednesday". The silence was deafening. I felt worse for my team than I did for myself.

From a third party observation perspective this is an interesting study of human nature. The range of my reactions is amazing. I'm sure that if I took the time to revisit my old hr text books I'd see that I'm going through the classical symptoms of mourning a loss.

I'm going to have to tighten my seat belt cause I can see that this ride is going to be a wild one!

On the upside - seems like there's nothing like a life altering shock to help drop some weight. Over night I lost just over 2lbs! So I'm now into a new decade at 259lbs. 91 in total. 100 is peeking just around the corner.

Goodbye

As of next Friday I am officially unemployed. I don't know how I feel about that yet. I need to think this thing through. I wanted to see what it looked like on paper... this is all very new to me. At age 42 I've never been fired or faced job discontinuance.

The package is an ok one. I will be contacting a lawyer to try and get a better deal because of my MS issues. I can't get life or medical insurance because of having a pre-existing condition. I want my company to take that into consideration.

I'm tired. Today was nothing short of hellish. You could cut the air with a knife it was so filled with tension. For now I'm ok...who knows what tomorrow will bring once this starts to sink in.

Hurry Up and Wait

Today my company announced that 17,000 jobs will be cut. an additional 9,500 jobs will move to lower cost locations. All affected will know within the next week or two.

The mood at work is somber and fearful. These are huge numbers and all the signs are that Canada is not going to be immune. Rumours are running rife - every little thing out of the ordinary is being interpreted as being related to the potential job losses. Among the fear there is hope - a group of people would definitely like a package. I just hope they move quickly and that they are fair.

There is a sense that something could happen as early as tomorrow. I will update when I can.

So that's what it was all about

I was not totally out of control - I was experiencing PMS! Who knew? I have been on the pill since I was 16 so hormonal fluctuations have never been a part of my reality. Even when pregnant I was fairly even keel... and yes my husband would agree to that.

So why now? I believe that my current birth control may not be strong enough or it simply cannot compete with the rapid fire bowel movements. Whatever the case may be I seem to be working on a cycle of my own, not as regulated by the marvelous Marvelon. Mental note to self - speak to PCP... we do NOT want another bundle of joy (stress) in the family. I am way too old to be going there again.

This morning my weight was 261.6. Basically this means 3.4lbs in 11 days. Slow but typical losing pattern for me in the first two weeks of the month. Hopefully things will pick up in the latter part of the month.

Out of Control

In the past when I was out of control with my food or eating I would simply go into denial. If I didn't weigh myself then I wouldn't know how bad it was, and if I didn't know how bad it was then I couldn't do anything about it...right?

Yesterday we went to my sister-in-law's for Easter dinner. I got lots of compliments which I managed to say 'thank you' to and then promptly add "but I have a long way to go". I can not accept compliments to save myself. It's like I have to be ready to cut myself down before someone else gets the chance. It could be the good 'ole Australian way (ask me about the tall poppy syndrome some day) but I think it is equally related to a real lack of self confidence. To a deep fear that now that people are noticing the weight loss that they have expectations for further success that I simply may not be able to live up to. Ain't I a grand subject for head shrinks the world over.

Anyway, so how did I deal with the whole situation of renewed focus and attention... I ate desert. Not simply a taste or a few mouthfuls but lots of it. It was sugary and floury. I expected to pay severely, especially given my toileting issues, but nothing. No gut wrenching pain, no mad dashes to the loo, nothing, nada, oh no... I need consequences.

Consequences came in the way of the scale... I was up a couple of pounds. Did that make me pause. No it made me eat easter eggs... lots of them... all day. Once again, no reaction. Holy crap - this is so freaking dangerous.

I pulled my head in later today - nothing but protein going in now but it really freaked me out. As much as I hate the bowel wrenching reaction, I would prefer it to having to rely on my good judgment to make the right choices. We know where judgment got me before... it got me to 350lbs that's where it got me.

There's so much going on here...so many questions. Why did I choose to eat that way? Am I really so afraid of failure that I would rather not set myself up for success (mental note to self...make appointment with a shrink)? I really think that I'm scared of success. I'm not good at attention. I'm not good at opening myself up to being vulnerable. How on earth do you deal with this one?

I want to be healthy. I love the fact that I can now walk around the block and not breath any heavier than I normally do. I felt nothing but the cold wind on my face. Way cool. I want to continue feeling the thrill of seeing the numbers drop. But I am scared of how people perceive me. As a morbidly obese person they didn't expect much (fat people are limited in their abilities didn't you know) but now as a shrinking obese person people seem to be seeing me... and I'm afraid that I won't measure up. It feels weird to write because I always come across as a self confident... but I don't feel confident any more.

So my last two days have been very pleasant from a pure taste perspective but incredibly frightening from a long term success perspective. I am afraid.

Hello Blacktown!

Every now and then I like to see where my readers are from. Tonight I was thrown back into memory lane when I saw the town of Blacktown come up. Shortly after moving to the Australia, at the tender age of six and a half (that half was very important), my parents purchased their first home in Blacktown New South Wales. I went to Blacktown South Primary School and did my first year of high school at Blacktown High. We lived on Kurrajong Street...number 52 if I remember correctly.

It's amazing how that one word, Blacktown, can bring back so many memories. I remember the route to school, I remember days of playing in the creek catching tadpoles, I remember the park on our street where I would hang out with some neighbourhood kids, I remember...and that's the amazing part to me... I remember. You know how some people have vivid memories of their childhoods and they could tell you everything that happened to them? I'm not one of them. The details elude me but tonight I sit here and I remember so much. Weird.

So hello Blacktown - thanks for the trip down memory lane.

Do I have it in me?

Many moons and lives ago I had a dream. I wanted to write a book. At that point I think it was children's books - a testament to the profound impact that reading had on me as a child. Reading was my escape - it allowed me to travel to places and have adventures that I otherwise may not have experienced. I grew up on Enid Blyton - I have very fond memories of Moon Face, The Faraway Tree, the Wishing Chair and the Naughtiest Girl in School. From childhood into my adolescence I maintained my love of reading. I attribute this to the wonderful writers that I've bumped into along the way.

Over the years the desire to write a book has waxed and waned, but it has never gone away. The genre of the book may change - a children's book, an erotic story, a non fiction book. Last night I fell asleep thinking about writing a book on the Duodenal Switch experience. Not just my experience but the DS experience as a whole. I'd love to write something that incorporates the medical stuff, the head stuff, the successes and heartbreaks, the learnings, the recipes, the practical stuff. In my head I see this as being most successful with input from other DS'ers. Quotes, tips, real life experiences. Whilst I would obviously not turn down any profit opportunities associated with such a venture ( I figure I would be able to sell a couple of books!) my desire is more about the writing itself. To create something that may help others that follow this journey behind me. I get such comfort from the experience of those that went before me that this is a way to provide the same. I need something where I can pay back. This journey is such a real one for me that I feel that it's something I can write from the heart. You never know - maybe getting the secret out there will make it easier for the DS to gain the wide spread acceptance that it truly deserves as a weight loss surgery option.

The business plan is the easier part for me - how do I get this published, what marketing channels do I pursue etc - that's just calling on knowledge that I already have (hey that marketing degree and MBA have to have some practical use right?) The challenge will be in the writing. In having people share themselves in a book like this to make it truly valuable. My experience is only one - I truly believe you need to consider lots of experiences to get a real sense for what this DS is all about.

What do you all think? I know that a number of Dsers read this blog. Is it worth pursuing? As a concept does it have validity? As a book does it have practical appeal? If you could, would you be a part of this?

I am obviously just thinking out loud on this one - I'd love your thoughts

I Caved

I stood on the scale this morning. I couldn't stop myself. Sheesh... I lasted 3 days...

The thing about massive weight loss is that when the journey is so long you need feedback. You need to know that you're on the right track. The scale tells me that. That's my excuse and I'm sticking to it.

Weight: 263.6. Not much movement but it is movement in the right direction. I'm in my two week period that I typically don't lose as much so little increments are ok.

Bad Choices

Yes it's nearly midnight. Yes I'm blogging. No I am not entirely crazy. I just feel really really bad and I want to capture that feeling so that the next time I am tempted to make bad choices I will think twice. I want to remember how bad I feel.

Tonight I made a series of bad choices. I fell into a comfortable old pattern the way that you would fall into a comfortable old bed. But unlike a comfortable bed which soothes you with warmth and familiarity my choices have resulted in gut stretching, stomach twisting gas. Nothing noxious but highly painful. My stomach is rock hard and it has nothing to do with underlying muscle tone.

So what happened?

I was hungry when I came home but had no idea what to have. So I stood at the pantry and snacked on various carb laden salt encrusted snacks. A handful of tortilla chips, a handful of bits and bites. After coming back from the clinic I made dinner for the family and as I served them I ate a slice of garlic bread. My first piece of bread since surgery. I did not feel like a full dinner at this point so opted for some Brie with spelt crackers. See a common theme... carbs carbs carbs. None of these in their own right would have caused me an issue but all of them together apparently did not work for me.

If I was really honest with myself I would also say that I was stressed. Work sucked today. I screwed up and got caught out. Mr 15 was an ass from the moment he got up to the moment he went to bed. It's hard to work hard when some of that cash is going to a soul sucking self centred teenager. Hubby lost a friend. At age 52 she passed away. Cancer. It was just not a great day. Without thinking I turned, or attempted to turn, to food for comfort. It didn't work. Instead of being snuggled up in bed I am downstairs hoping that the gas will pass. Pun intended.

I need to learn from this. Look for strategies to help me cope with crap rather than turn mindlessly to what I know too well. I must remember this pain!

Wet Blanket

Do you know anyone that you would typically describe as a wet blanket? You know, the type of person who has the incredible ability to take the joy or the good out of everything. The type of person who has a heartfelt explanation for everything - fully believing that it's important that people know why things are not rosy. The sort of person who believes they are you doing a favour by helping you take off your rose coloured glasses.

This describes my son Mr 15. I don't know how he can stand himself. When he's in form, I spend 15 minutes with him and I feel like I need a shower to take off the dampness. It is simply horrible to be with him.

Today I took him to the clinic with me to get his hearing checked. He's been complaining about not being able to hear properly from one ear. You should have heard the conversation that ensued. Waste of time, no point, hasn't got any worse so why bother were just a few of the phrases. In the end I had to apologize for caring and tell him to shut his mouth and go for the ride. He doesn't get that his hearing is important and therefore ruling out infection (which we did) was the first step. He doesn't get that he needs that hearing to last him till he's old and grey and that any incremental loss of hearing is a cause for concern. He doesn't get that he should sometimes shut the frig up and go along for the ride. Man he makes my blood boil.

In life I choose not to surround myself with people like this. I am a believer in all things good. I believe that we can make a difference. I believe that the power of belief is a very strong force. But I can't choose him. He's mine. How on earth does someone this young become so miserable?

Agghhh. I need a shower!

Monday Morning

It's Monday and I'm dreading going to work. I have so much admin stuff to plow through today and to say this is the least favourite part of my job is a huge understatement. My biggest problem is that I procrastinate so when it finally has to be done there is so much of it that it's overwhelming... will I ever learn?

Happy Monday!

New Doctor...New Questions

Prior to surgery I had made arrangements with my family doctor (PCP) for my follow-up care. She's the one that's helped deal with the gas issues, she kept an eye on the incision as it healed and she weighs me monthly so I have my weight on record.

About a month ago she mentioned that there was a new doctor setting up a Bariatric Clinic in town. He specializes in bariatric medicine and maybe he would be a good person to have on my team. Ok. Makes sense to me.

So on Thursday I went to see the excitable Dr W.

The session started off with him explaining why I was fat. He told me that it wasn't my fault. The basic philosophy is that our bodies are pre programmed for survival in a world that doesn't need that survival instinct anymore. That in the minds of the obese there is a missing receptor which controls our need to conserve for future famine. Or something like that. The point is it's not my fault. Ok... I can live with that I guess.

He acknowledge (without prompting from me) that the DS surgery was the best surgery that you can have. That was a huge relief for me - the DS is often not well understood in a world that is more RNY and lapband oriented in terms of weight loss surgery. I think he was quite excited to have me as a patient because I am a great case study. I am relatively early into the process which means that he can watch me lose during the natural weight loss window period and then more importantly to him, see how I manage weight maintenance in the long run.

The meeting got weird at the point where we started talking about the long term. His perspective is that the thing that made us fat (the reason we became obese) has not gone away. We are still programmed the way we were before surgery... we simply now have a tool that will help with the weight loss. (makes sense on an intellectual basis)

His belief is that in the long term we still need to count calories, we may need to be on meal replacements for the rest of our lives (his recommendation is 1 or 2 meal replacements and 1 balanced meal a day) and we may need to look to medication like Meredia which acts as the missing receptor to tell us that we are full. It was at this point that I had a "WTF" moment.

When I signed up for surgery I accepted that I would need to make life long changes to the way I eat, to what I eat and to the supplements I would need to take to ensure a healthy life. I did not however sign up for meal replacements and medication. On some level what he says has some underlying logic but another part of me, whether caused by denial or otherwise, tells me that it makes less sense. The DS is programmed to malabsorb much of the caloric content so therefore what I eat (no simple carbs) is much more important that how much of it. As long as my net calories end up at around 1200 - 1500 I'm doing more than ok...right...????

So the net result is that he has me confused. I will continue to see him a couple of times just because it's an interesting opportunity but I will be connecting with Dr L to see how much of this fits in with his philosophy. My goal is to have this tool work for me and while I'm in the weight loss free for all early stages to learn the habits that I need to be successful in the long term. I don't want to face a future of meal replacements and medication...that is not what I signed up for. That is simply too much of a reminder of a miserable past.

The Two Week Challenge

Scale whore. Scale obsessed. Scale junkie. Lots of terms meaning the same basic thing... too obsessed with watching the numbers on the scale.

Starting today I am doing a 2 week challenge. No weighing for two weeks.

This may sound easy to some of you but for me it will be torturous. The scale is the immediate gratification for doing the right thing. It is the one concrete and easily measured result that tells me that the surgery is still working. When the scale drops to a new low, and it invariably does over a two week period, it is a source of extreme joy and satisfaction. It's like knowing a deliciously wonderful naughty secret that only you know. I don't need to shout it to the world but man, it feels good to know.

So why take that away? Because it is starting to interfere with logic. My time in the morning is crunched at best, insane at worst as I try to get the family and myself ready for our days. But no matter how time crunched I am I will not eat or drink anything until I'm finished the morning bathroom routine. That way when I get on that scale I am truly empty. The problem is it is in no way efficient. I need to take the focus off the scale and back onto the rest of my life. I figure if I can do it for two weeks then cutting my weigh in's to once a week should be a piece of cake. We'll see.

Yesterday I weighed in at 264.4