Update

My goodness the days get away quickly - it's not a wonder though. Trying to be a mother, a sister and a daughter on top of being a part-time worker is killing me. The sister and daughter thing are not normal parts of my routine. It is the reason that I am here and I'm enjoying it thoroughly but add to that trying to keep Ms 8 happy and then working 4 hours a day between 9pm and 1am... and I'm struggling.

I think I severely overestimated my capacity to do this when I first proposed it. I forget that I am no longer a spring chicken. I am capable of withstanding a huge amount of sleep deprivation... but apparently not quite this much. Sigh... my only other option is to not work. Which will mean I do not have enough PTO. Which means either cutting my family vacation in August which I am loathe to do because we all need it or taking some unpaid leave... which I am loathe to do just because that simply bites. I'll talk to hubby (if ever I get the timing right in terms of being able to reach the guy) and see what he thinks. This is a decision that impacts us both.


Mum is out of hospital - she was released a day early on Wednesday...yay! She has since had a rough night which was probably related to eating too much in one sitting. One of the tumours is clearly pressing on her stomach so she simply does not have the capacity to eat as much as she used to be able to in one sitting. When she eats too much she throws up. When she throws up it causes her pain and the cycle starts all over again. I've convinced her to try eating every two hours. Small amounts of whatever she wants so she doesn't feel deprived. So far it seems to be working. She has gone nearly two days without major issues. While in hospital they also changed up her pain medication - different type and stronger doses. It seems to be working better for her. So on the surface she is doing ok. To the level that today we all went mini golfing. Who would have thunk it? She suggested it.

She wanted to play with her grandkids and so we did. It was so much fun (and no it had nothing to do with the fact that I won!) . We are developing some really nice memories all around. Well worth the outrageous cost of international travel... it really is priceless.

Missing Hubby

Hubby and I are apart on a fairly regular basis thanks to my work schedule but this time it's different. It's probably because I am not run off my feet... thanks to this rotten back of mine I'm actually not running anywhere right now! When I travel for work I am on the go from 7 am in the morning till around 11pm at night. I work hard and long... and love it!

Hubby and I connect during this time but it's usually just a quick touch base.

This time around it is different. I would love for him to be here. Today, so he can keep me company while the rest of the family is off becoming one with Australian wild life in a local conservation park but more for the company in general (come to think of it he'd be off petting koalas as well). Hubby and I are very well matched intellectually. I enjoy listening to what he's up to in his work life and I enjoy sharing mine. We don't always see eye to eye but I value his opinion none the less. I don't also go with his suggestions but he has good thoughts and it allows me to really ensure that I have my bases covered. He's the yang to my ying (or the other way around!)

I miss him. I miss his wicked sense of humour. I miss feeling him next to me in bed at night. Ms 8 is a poor substitute... she has no sense of space... what is mine is hers as far as bed space and bed covers go!

Today I feel like I'm a long way from home.

Ouch

I am no stranger to back pain... thanks to a herniated disk that is pinching a nerve I have had a history of back pain. The last one had me laid up for a week. The good news is that was more than 2 years ago.

I don't know what I did but this afternoon while visiting Mum in the hospital I experienced a really strong back pain that got progressively worse. The car ride home was excruciating. I thought I was going to pass out/ throw up from the pain.

This is not what I need right now. I am sitting here at 11.40pm local time on a conference call for 2 hours. The problem is not the time but the 2 hours of sitting. I need to not have my mother worrying about my pain but focusing on her own pain management.

What really blew me away was my daughters reaction. "Oh no, I hope it's not your MS playing up again". When I threw my back out 2 years ago I believe it was an episode of MS that affected my gait that resulted in the back issues. It has not happened again but it obviously had a real impact on Ms. 8. So my MS does sit there in the back of her mind as a threat to her world. That's a little sad. The poor kid has so much on her mind right now with Oma being ill, I do not want her to be thinking about our two illnesses at the same time and potentially getting the two connected in her mind. My illness is not terminal. I do not want her to be worrying about that.

Together

Today I spent time with my sisters. The last time the three of us were together was three years ago when Mum was first diagnosed with cancer. I had come home for the goodbye trip. At the time we decided it was important to get some last family photos.

Today, after a hectic day filled with silly Opa's and over excited grandchildren, I came across a folder containing some of those photos. And while this trip is not about me in any way shape or form, please allow me to say...holy crap! I had forgotten what I looked like. I have changed... a lot!



This second photo shows my youngest sister Tanya, 30 weeks pregnant again (as she was in the photo taken nearly 3 years ago). Margaret, myself and Mum. We had a wonderful day together.

Sadly it didn't end well. Tonight Mum insisted that Dad call palliative care. She was in pain and had been throwing up again. For mum to volunteer this action you know that she is not in a good place. We took her down to the hospital where she was administered extra morphine and put on fluids.

Tonight I saw my dad cry. Cry out of sheer helplessness. Tonight Ms 8 saw her Opa cry. Tonight she came to the true realization that her Oma was going to die. She was magnificent. She cried then she put on a brave face and kissed Oma good night. She was crying not so much for the upcoming death but for the fact that she has seen Oma so few times. She was crying for the lost opportunities.

I am not sure what the coming days are going to hold for my Mum. I worry more about my dad. Mum is in good hands and will soon be whole again. Dad...not so much.

So not ready

Ok... it's 9.40am. My flight is at 6.30pm. We need to leave here at 3pm.

I have not yet packed for myself.

I have a meeting to hand stuff off to my boss at 11am. I am not quite ready for that.

I have colour in my hair... yes vanity won over the need to get my work done.

My hubby is ticked with me and can't let it go... ie I'll be leaving the country with things not great between us. Crap.

I don't know what to wear on the flight.

We need to go to City Hall to get a consent form notarized letting me take Ms 8 out of the country

We did not get birthday invitations out for Ms 8... school will be done by the time we get back.

I am usually Ms. Organized plus when it comes to things like this... not this time around. I can't wait till I hit LA... I need some sleep!

Touched

Tonight I received a note from the founder of our company wishing me well, encouraging me to spend as much time with my Mum as possible and allowing my team and colleagues to step in and support me through this time.

Wow.

This company is nothing short of amazing.

To that end I am trying to bring in one of my past employees. I have a project manager role available. It is a good job but I've had no luck filling it. She would be a perfect fit in that I know her work, she has a solid training background, she understands operations and she is used to being managed remotely. Culturally she would fit right in.

I am interviewing her at 9pm tonight and if all goes well I'll have others interviewing her while I am away. Fingers crossed. I want to do well for this company so I want to bring in good people. My performance is totally tied in to that of my team. I have a solid foundation behind me and now I have a chance to build. It's a nice place to be.

Be gone ye carbs!

In preparation for the trip I am going to low low carb it. To lose weight? That would be nice but no. I need to ensure that my body is as well behaved as possible on the trip.

We've talked poop before but not for a while so indulge me while I blog. I lead a fairly typical ds'er life in that most of my bodily emissions take place first thing in the morning. It's a given. It's a 10 - 20 minute routine that I need to plan in and then for the rest of the day I'm much like the rest of the population.

But that 10 - 20 minutes can be legendary. Legendary on a flight scares the crap out of me... excuse the pun... but that is what I have to deal with. Somewhere between LA and Sydney, and it could be just a few hours into the 14 hour flight, my body is going to want to lose a pound or five. It is intense. And like most poop it smells. Volume alone dictates that it will smell bad. It is a small price to pay and it is more than manageable in the big scheme of things but the thought of those small airline washrooms, with potential lineups behind you, knowing that you can do nothing to stop whatever may come... well, it makes me more than a little nervous.

I'm sure that the anticipation will be worse than the reality. It is likely just the fear of the unknown. But it is real. I've received some great advice on the obesityhelp board...low carbing being one of them. A small can of spray being another. The last, a "who gives a damn" attitude... afterall nobody knows you... I'm still working on that one.

So there you have it...my biggest fear as far as this trip... the washroom. Nice to know I don't have more important things to think about

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

The title alone does a lot to date me...lol!

A bit of good news and some better news. Let's start with the better news.

Mum's blockage has seem to resolved itself. The surgeon has not experienced this before so once again Mum is proving to be an anomaly. What this means is that she is able to now keep food down. As long as this continues, and as long as she can keep herself sufficiently hydrated, the prognosis has swayed to a couple of months rather than a couple of weeks. This of course could change overnight but for now Mum is home (yay), pain free thanks to some kick ass morphine (and don't we Dser's remember the joys of morphine those few post surgery days?) and very excited about her daughter, and granddaughter visiting from the frozen tundra of Canada. (This is the good news)

Yes I'm bringing Ms 8. Had the prognosis stayed at the "weeks" level I would have left her at home. Thanks to the feedback of a few wonderful friends I was leaning more to leaving her behind. I remember when my grandmother died. She actually died while I was on a flight to Holland. I was visiting her enroute to a business trip in Toronto at the time. She passed away before I landed. In all their wisdom my relatives took me to see her body. I wish they never had. She had changed since I saw her last and my memory is now of the body, not so much of her. This was my experience as an adult and the experience on an 8 year old would be equally as difficult.

What swayed us to bring her was firstly that the prognosis had changed. It is less likely that Mum will pass away while we are there. Secondly the fact that her oncologist said that she looked better than she did three years ago. If that is the case Ms 8's memory is not likely to have to be significantly altered. Thirdly, once we had a sense that Ms 8 may not be exposed to the actual death, we considered the side benefits of her coming along. It will bring great joy to my Mum and Dad. She is both their first biological grandchild, and only granddaughter. She will be a welcome distraction to those facing the more serious business of dying.

Hubby has been so wonderul throughout this decision making process. He said all the right things in terms of me developing a comfort level to leave Ms 8 behind. My main concern has always been the lack of support for Ms 8 when I am gone. The boys just don't know how to be supportive and they are not yet ready to learn. Hubby was willing to do whatever was necessary, including working from home for a good chunk of the time so that he could be here for her. After pressing him from many angles he left me no doubt that he would be there for her. It was a weight off my shoulders.

I had actually decided to leave her. He decided she should go. Talk about a reversal of positions. I am comfortable that she is going. There is a chance that something may happen while we are there but I am ready for that. We will find a way to protect Ms 8 as much as possible while at the same time give her the chance to build one more positive memory set around Oma and Opa. She still remembers our last trip 3 years ago. This one will likely build a lasting impression.

We will be gone from June 17th to July 8th. This visit is longer than the last but with the ability to work during this period I can really stretch out my vacation hours. Thank goodness for my work and my boss. I am so lucky to have found this job/ company.

Now the scary stuff. I have less than 3 days to get myself totally organized from a work and personal life perspective. This gives me palpatations! I have so much to do including getting a visa for Ms 8 and a notarized note to say that I can take Ms 8 out of the country without her dad. Add in paying bills, putting in about 30 hours of work effort on the work front, washing, shopping, packing and you get the picture. That 27 hour trip will be a great time to catch up on the sleep that I will not be getting.

I'm looking forward to seeing my family again.

The Update... Mum's trip to a better place

I had a really good chat with her oncologist tonight.

So the CAT scan shows that the cancer has progressed very rapidly from when the last scan was done 6 weeks ago. There are cancers pressing against both her liver and bowel which is not allowing them to drain properly, hence the vomiting. Her surgeon, who completed the bypass nearly three years ago, doesn't think that he will be able to by-pass the blockages but he is conducting one more test today to better understand what he is dealing with.

Apparently Mum is in much better spirits. Dr Healey has started to administer some pretty powerful pain killers and that has totally changed Mum's outlook. Mum, like the rest of us, is pretty pragmatic about what is to come. The Dr thinks she is amazing. I do too.

The prognosis is weeks to a couple of months. The Dr says she looks well - better than when we were there 3 years ago so that is good. They hope to have Mum home within the next week. She will receive iv fluids at night but that will leave her free to move around during the day.

Hubby and I will talk about whether Ms 8 comes with me tomorrow night. I will likely leave next Tuesday.

So there you have it. We know for sure that she will pass away in a relatively short period of time. I am glad. We knew it was going to come and she's had more than two years with this insidious disease living a relatively normal and healthy life. She's been an anomaly but now that her time has come it will come quickly. I am good with that. No, I am very good with that. Although the world is a better place with Mum here I would rather we bear the pain of her loss than have her bear the physical pain that cancer causes.

Take care Mum... I'll see you next week. What a wonderful thing to be able to say. Which leads me to say that my company has been amazing. In an attempt to protect my family vacation (which I think I will need) I asked whether I could work part-time from Australia. They were totally ok with that. They are being accommodating in every way possible. I am so grateful for that. They say everything happens for a reason. A year ago I was in the throes of unemployment after being caught in the first wave of massive layoffs by the big C. Today I work for a company that lives what it believes. They do not need to accomodate me. They want to. This means the world to me... and my Mum. For that I will always be thankful.

Sleepless in Boston

It's been quite the night so far.

Hubby doesn't want Ms 8 to go. He has some real concerns about putting Ms 8 in an environment where she is essentially there to see her Oma pass away. I can see his point. It had crossed my mind. What is tearing me apart is that she will be devastated if I leave her behind. She already has such a hard time when I leave for three days at a time. This will be so much longer. What is making it harder for me, and it will crush her, is that she is then so dependent on the support of her brothers. They cannot step up. She doesn't make it easy for them and they don't want to do it. I would spend the entire time away worrying about her. Hubby simply cannot spread himself that thin to be all things to all people while I'm away.

I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. Melodramatic but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

This is cut and paste from an email exchange I had with my sister tonight (names changed to protect the innocent):

She is very sad. Pragmatic, but sad. Dr Healy came and saw her and said the scans didn't show anything in the region of the abdomen where Mum said she was feeling some pain, but it did show that the new rice grain sized cancers that they found a few months back were larger and were pressing against her (something or other to do with the bypasses already there from the last surgery). So she is not completely blocked but unblocking may not solve the problem as it is the pressure from outside. As there are already 5 by pass bits and pieces they may not be able to do another one.

Mum then said to me that she was told if that was the case it would not be long to go.

She then said Dr Healy said that if you were to come it would need to be sooner rather than later. Sorry.

She is sad that she still hasn't finished the photo album for Ms 8 so she is going to ask Dad to bring it in for her and she will write notes on bits of paper and I said I would finish it off for her. She is cross too. said this year wasn't a good year. There were too many thing to do :) That sounded a bit more like her.

She is tired.

And so am I. It is 1 am and at 9.30 I am terminating someone's employment. I owe it to them to get some sleep... I am a great believer in doing things like this with dignity and integrity. Thank you for all the messages of support. The fact that you still read after me being so erratic at best in my blogging is heartwarming. The fact that you care is humbling. Right now sitting in a hotel room by myself you have no idea how much your support means. Thank you.

Will know more in 48 hours

Mum has been hospitalized. She has not been able to keep any food down for the weekend. By chance I looked up her specialists number last night and they took my calls. She was the one who told me Mum was on her way.

I called to ask about prognosis based on the fact that when I spoke with Mum a few days ago her cancer count, C19.9, had increased tenfold since we last spoke. I was already thinking about a trip in August. Hubby was ok if I cancelled out of our family vacation.

August will be too late.

The Dr. said that the vomiting is likely from a blocked bowel. If she can unblock it she will have a couple of months. If not, a couple of weeks. We will know in 48 hours what we are dealing with.

Ms 8 and I are likely going to fly to Australia next week. It's going to be a rough ride with work but it's the right thing to do. I need to be there for her now.

Please join me in hoping Mum passes on very quickly. I do not want her, or Dad, to suffer a long protracted illness. My message to her will be... I love you and it's ok to go.

Now it's time for me to head to the airport - off to Boston for a few days. It's going to be a long few days.

Wow... it got even uglier

Mr 14 is struggling with the fact that he has to go to his mom's this weekend while his brother is allowed to stay at home alone.

My logic is simple. Mr 17 is starting to show signs of humanity - I want to give him the chance to prove himself. Besides which someone needs to be at home when Ms 8 comes back from her camping trip on Sunday. Yes there's a selfish reason too.

Mr 14 has not shown himself to be capable of making sound decisions. To leave them together would leave the onus of responsibility on Mr 17, I'm not sure Mr 17 is ready to take responsibility for himself yet. To leave them together would set Mr 17 up for failure. I need him to have a win.

Mr 14 is not happy. Mr 14 took me down a discussion path of looking at every aspect of his miserable young life. I tell you it wasn't pretty. How horrible is it that

1. between him and his brother they are expected to empty the dishwasher and take out the recycling daily. The issue is that their 8 year old sister does not have to do these things. What they forget is at 8 they did not do these things. What he can't see is that when she is 14 she will be the only child in the house and will need to do both. By herself.

That's it in terms of chores. No need for a number 2. Life is tough.

This kid has so much resentment in his little body. He feels hard done by. He wants to be paid for everything. We should apparently be paying for the privilege of his company. A cell phone is a basic requirement. Uh...no. You act like an ass. You lose it. You wait till you get home and use the phone there. Welcome to reality.

Anyway, the discussion was long, circular and pointless. At the end I lost it. For the first time in 12 years he has seen me cry. I do not cry for myself. I cried because I felt trapped. Trapped because I see no way out of this one. I do not want to end my marriage. I love my husband. I do not want to send him away (well, maybe a little) to his mom's because he has more of a chance of pulling through this crap living here than living there. But I'm facing potentially years more of this bullshit before he starts to grow out of it. I don't know if I have the fortitude to see it through. Yes it was ugly.

I think seeing me cry shocked the crap out of him. He's backed right down. The good I guess is that he could have gone in for the kill but he didn't. Be thankful for small things right?

Wanted... Dead or Alive

Not blogging since May 12th? What's up with that?

Where to begin? I think the bottom line is that I am overwhelmed. To put it into words means that I have to take accountability and do something about it. To not put it into words means I can avoid seeing how big/bad/overwhelming (pick a word) it really is. I think we have previously come to the conclusion how "avoidance" should be my middle name.

So let's take a look at the good, bad and the ugly.

The Good

1. Today I went to a wedding shower for a fellow Ontarion DSer. Jenn, at a year out, is gorgeous both inside and out. A teacher by trade, and as such one of lifes hero's in my eyes, she is just a really nice person who pays it forward by helping others out of the grasp of obesity. I put words in a blog, she puts words into application forms for others. She's doing good things.

2. Laural. Laural celebrates her 1 year surgiversary on Thursday. She has lost around 170lbs. More importantly she has found herself. She has taken the positive steps needed to get her life to a place that she wants it. Not where her husband wanted it. Not where others want it but where she wants it. It's been an amazing privilege to watch her blossom the way she has. She's dealt with crappy stuff and has come out the other end a whole different person. Laural I know you read this sometimes... You once said that you regreted/resented not having a formal education... in many ways you don't need it... I have learned more from you than you will ever know. I have no doubt that you will find great success once you have fully defined what that success looks like for you.

3. A weekend away. Hubby is away at a conference for the week and I will be joining him on Thursday for a long weekend away together. We are staying at the Biltmore - Hotel to the rich and famous. And us. I am looking forward to a weekend of people watching. I am looking forward to spending 4 days with hubby. Since Ms 8 was born we have never spent more than a night together alone. It's been 9 years. This is definitely good.

The bad and ugly. As I started to think about how to seperate these two sections out I decided that it wasn't worth it... much fits into both

1. Mr 14. I am struggling with this kid right now. He has no respect for authority. His attitude stinks. His modus operandus is to wear you down until you give in. And sadly I do. Just so I don't have to deal with him anymore. He wins and I lose but I am enabling it. What a freakin' lousy parent am I? I dislike everything that he is right now. I resent having to spend the little precious time I have dealing/fighting with him instead of doing things that bring me joy... or that at least has a productive outcome...like clean clothes by doing the laundry. Nothing is productive about our relationship.

I am the person who has incredible pools of patience. Always have. Largely because I don't like conflict but whatever the reason I can make it through most things. Twice in this last week he has had me so angry/upset that it felt like my heart was going to explode through my eyeballs. I could literally feel my blood pressure go through the roof...I've never experienced this before. It's both bad and ugly.

The guilt of not liking one's child is an incredible burden and it's one I don't know how to lighten. There is nothing to like about this kid right now. I cannot find joy in him.

2. Now that we've established that I am a horrible person (re read 1) the second bad and ugly is work. Not all of work because I actually love what I do. I have an employee who is struggling. Struggling and not taking accountability. She is lashing out. Everyone else is responsible for the position she finds herself in (especially me). We've been working through a formal performance plan which was designed to help her move through and on. I had really hoped that we could work through this together in a way that would allow her to be successful. She is actually a nice person. But man, she's making it hard. The focus she is taking is making the hole bigger. I don't know that she can be successful and that weighs heavily on me.

3. My weight. Yes it had to come up... just as my weight is up. Not much but up instead of down. I need to find a way to carve time out of my day to focus on me and I have no clue as to how to do this. What has to give? What can give? My vitamin D levels came in super low this month so I need to find a way to get out in the sun 15 minutes per day as part of the the solution...I'm struggling finding even that.

4. My mom. It is bothering me. It is always with me. A while back, before we knew that the cancer had changed, I had told her that I would try to come visit next April. I'm not sure she will have a next April and it's causing me all sorts of angst. We have booked a family vacation in August and I am finding it hard to get excited about it because in the back of my mind I'm thinking... Florida will always be there...Mum will not. On the other hand, this is something that the family has been looking forward to for a really long time. It's hard to take that away when it's been quite the work year for both hybby and I. We both need the down time. Result - me tied in knots not knowing what I want. I will speak to hubby about this...I'm really just starting to articulate this for myself.

There was more but I'm running out of steam. I was up at 3am to take hubby to Buffalo airport this morning. I've hit the proverbial wall.

So I am back. I will try to stay in the here and now but at times like this sometimes it takes all my energy simply to just get through...blogging is such a luxury.