Weight Update

219.6lbs

I've lost 130lbs... again! Insert eye roll. I am happy to see the weight go down but I am not yet convinced that it is real. I have to see progress below 215 to believe that I am back on the loss path. 219 is still in the bouncing range.

We'll see. I have to admit though I was pleased to not see a '22' this morning.

Everyone cancelled

Their meetings that is. Yesterday I had nearly all of my meetings canceled... six hours worth. I actually produced work. I got things done that I had not been able to get to within the last three weeks. The job posting for the project manager I need is up...yeah! My recommendation on how we train remote agents is done... yeah! My weekly report to my boss is done. The presentation for the relaunch of e-learning is done. It was an amazing feeling to walk away from a day having got those things off my plate. What a weight off my shoulders!

Now I just need to pull together my thoughts on how to completely restructure my quality team and I'll be in a happy place. Woo hoo!

I'm so hoping that the same cancellations happen today. If I could find even just 4 hours for the rest of this week I'll be in a much better place all around. Phew.

Weight Update

This morning: 221lbs.

Why do I bother to record it? I am hoping that over time the weight will start to fall off again. If that happens then me recording the fifth month of no progress will serve to give others hope that long stalls do happen and can be beaten. If it doesn't start to shift down then it's an accurate record of my frustration. Either way it serves a purpose. One more selfish than the other but what the heck, it's my blog right?

Feel like crap

There are very few times that I can say that I truly feel like crap. Today was one of them. For the first time since starting my new job I can honestly say that I didn't want to go work. And so I did not.

I forced down breakfast and then headed upstairs for a nap. I slept for about 3 hours and I feel so much better. Instead of feeling like I'm in an out of control space shuttle capsule I now just feel like I'm on a boat. The room gently rocks but does not spin. We have progress!

Not sure what this is all about. I wonder whether I'm dehydrated. With 20/20 hindsight I was probably on the very low side for fluids this weekend. I also ate way too much sugar... rotten Easter Bunny. I can't help but wonder if the two combined have resulted in feeling this bad. No matter - I don't like it. I have so much on my plate at work, I simply cannot afford to feel this way. Especially not if it was self induced.

Weight today: 222.6lbs. Old Old Old Old. Sigh.

Scared to fly

I love to fly. Always have. I enjoy the take-offs and landings. I enjoy the gentle lullaby of the engines drone.

My flights to Boston and back are quick and painless.

What scares me, is flying to Australia. Not because of the distance. I've done the 24 - 36 hour trip many times before. This time however my travelling companion will be my DS.

I have no regrets at all about having this surgery. There are things I miss, like sleeping in, but I would happily give up sleep forever before I go back to living the life I had prior to my surgery. I was unhealthy and unhappy. I am neither now.

I am however fearful of what a trip home entails. My body will do it's thing with blatant disregard of location or international time clock. If my calculations are correct I would be about 2 hours into a 14 hour flight between LA and Sydney when I would have to start my morning "bathroom routine". I will need immediate access to a wash room. I may need it for twenty minutes... or more. The space is small and not well ventilated. It won't be pretty. I cannot carry on a spray bottle of oust. I am scared... more so for my fellow passengers than myself.

What a thing to have to worry about. For some reason though it has been playing on my mind. I guess I have a year to try and work this out since that is when I plan to fly super long distance next.

In case you're all wondering - it's not all about the bathroom issues. They are manageable within the norms of my daily life. In fact it's not an issue at all. This long distance flying thing... another story...

I miss sleeping in

As a mom, one of the most rewarding things that happens over time is that your child finally sleeps through the night. Then at some point in time they sleep in a little on the weekends. And then the holy grail - they get up, go downstairs and turn the tv on for themselves...and let you sleep. You know that Nirvana is just around the corner.

Along the way there are blips. Nightmares. A new puppy but generally all is good. And then along came the DS. Yes the Duodenal Switch is a blip. It is one that won't go away.

Let me explain. When my body starts to stir, and at times I can have that delay until a little later in the morning, it really starts to stir. There is none of this gentle waking up stuff. No laying around in the bed until your bladder tells you it's about to burst. It is all about, get up now or regret. The "now or else" threat is palatable. You do not take the risk. You get up. It's a race to the bathroom.

So on this long weekend I am up at 5 something. The numbers that follow don't matter. The bad news is that the first number is a 5. And it's followed by an "am". Ms 8 came into our room for some reason and once I'm awake, that's it, I'm done. I need to get up. Have to get up. The question is never about needing to go. It's about how many times I will go before I can finally ease my body onto the sofa for a little more shut eye. Sometimes, like today, there is time to do that. Usually there is not.

I miss that sense of lallygagging in bed. I miss sleeping in.

Want to hear about my yesterday?

Well even if the answer is no, you're going to! So I fire a trainer but not without having a plan in place. One of our up and coming young stars from Burlington volunteered to go to Chelmsford for four weeks to support this class. At a days notice. Wow. So she gets on a bus at 5.30am to get down to the Buffalo airport - gets to the border and gets turned back. Apparently she is taking a job away from an Amercian blah blah blah. Ummm... no... her going down means that 10 Americans get trained to do the job they were starting on Monday. Her going down means that we have four weeks to recruit a replacement. Sheesh. Stupid power hungry custom dudes. We truly were trying to protect a group of new hires, not trying to pull a fast one.

The poor thing ended up back in the office. She was so flustered.

So that is how my day started, even before I walked in the door. Add in 9 different meetings all with distinct topics and trying to solve for this latest twist and I tell ya, by the end of the day I was done. Totally non functional. As a result I am way behind on some critical deliverables.

So in a few minutes I'll put Ms 8 to bed and then I'm going at it. It's cover the butt time. I've had my triple espresso shot power drink from Starbucks...I'm good to go baby!

Tough Week

It's been a tough week. We did exit one of the trainers and while I totally feel that the right decision was made, in fact he made it very easy for me, I worry about those that are left behind. They don't have full information and they are fragile.

I worry too about the manager. She is trying hard but she is not a leader and I need leaders - I need someone to take ownership and show a depth of leadership that will inspire the team to rise above the issues. I am hoping that she can rise. I would like her to succeed. I need to find out what I need to do to best ensure that. Right now I'm not sure. I don't know if she always hears me.

With the events of the last week I am so behind on my deliverables. Given that we are going in front of the executive team on Thursday with a recommendation around remote agent I have to pull a rabbit out of the hat. My goal tonight is to sleep. My goal for the weekend is to juggle the family and work commitments so that neither comes away totally neglected. My goal for the week is to survive. To get through to Friday knowing I've contributed to the strategic success of the company. My goal for next Friday (a stat holiday here) is to sleep. I need to rest. I need to relax. I need to decompress.

Weight Update

220.6lbs. Come on now... At this rate I'd be happy to lose just another 20.7lbs to say that I weighed less than 200lbs.

Sigh...

Tired.

That's how I feel. Through and through. My brain is tired. My body is tired. I am over worked and it's starting to show. LOL... what a change from just five months ago when I was worried about not working.

There are a lot of things on the go right now. My new team is taking a lot of my time. I need to learn their business. I need to be client facing. I need to deal with their issues. My training team is struggling with some of the internal relationships. They are feeling undervalued and under appreciated. I am exiting someone from the business tomorrow. He has decided that he will not lead a class that he is scheduled to start on Monday. WTF???

So tomorrow he's gone. I'm flying someone from another country (yes, Canada is another country) to spend 4 weeks away from her family to provide the coverage we need. She volunteered to go. What a difference in work ethic and integrity. Couple that with the fact that she is a very talented trainer - she's going to go a long way. He is going out the door.

This stuff makes me tired. I feel like pieces of my worlds are colliding and I don't have quite enough skill/influence/opportunity to stop this from happening. I'm managing fall out. I hate being in a reactionary mode. I prefer visionary. I am strategic by choice.

Oh well - time to go snooze on the sofa before heading to bed ;)

F**k Off!

That was the first thing out of my mouth this morning when I say what the plow had so kindly left at the bottom of the driveway. Three and half feet of snow - at least 10 ft across by 7 feet wide.

This pisses me off. Had there been an emergency there was no way we could have got out and there was no way that an emergency vehicle could have got in. Screw that - unless you were a mountain climber you weren't getting in, in a hurry this morning.

That type of gift was so not necessary. None of the neighbours were similarly bestowed (as you can see if you look across the road). This is the downside of living on a corner. As they round the corner they take all the crap with them, pick up some extra and dump it where they can.

The thing is - this is the first year that we've had this problem. And it's only happened twice but they both happened so be in the same week and quite frankly, I've got nowhere to put this stuff. This morning we had to push it out onto the to road before we could move it to the side. Neither hubby or I could lift it over the existing piles. They were just too high.

We took lots of photo's and for the first time in the 12 years we've lived in this town we will be making a complaint.

Grrrrrrr!!!!!!

On a happier note... Ms 8 thought it was a hoot.

I am SO over it...

Winter that is. As a transplanted Australian I usually get a kick out of winter. When it snows it truly transforms the landscape. It is quite beautiful. But when I have 6 ft snow piles at the bottom of my driveway thanks to what seems like bi weekly major storms it starts to get a little old. It is no longer beautiful. It is just white.

Today we've had at least 50 cm of snow. My arms ache from lifting above my shoulders. My legs hurt. My butt hurts. Good news is that my back does not. Yay weight loss! But everything else does hurt.

Tonight, after shovelling the last 15 - 20cm, I had hubby take some photo's. If they turn out I will post one shortly. It's like we're living on a weird white planet. It looks almost lunar. Whatever it is, I have had enough.

Now the waiting game starts. No, not waiting for spring. Waiting for the plough to come through. You just know it's not going to be pretty.

Weight Update

This morning 220.2lbs. It slowly seems to be moving in the right direction. I have bounced in the 225 - 215 range for so long now that I am not able to get excited by it. But I am hopeful.

I do feel different since having the Mirena IUD removed.I am far less bloated. In the last 2 weeks I have lost 6lbs. I have not lost at this rate in a long long time. If you are looking at your birth control options post surgery think very carefully before going towards this product. There are many who do just fine with it but a good percentage, 10%, of women experience weight gain.

I am so proud

Today was report card day for Ms 8. She earned two A-'s. These were her lowest grades. She got 4 A+'s and the rest were all solid A's. The behavioural stuff was all E's (Excellent). School work comes naturally for this kid but at the same time she puts in the effort. Talk about a positive message in terms of hard work = rewards.

We pay for grades. We have a system whereby they can earn around $300 a year. $80 of this needs to be used to pay for summer vacation, whether summer vacation is Disney or it's the backyard. It's the price of entry. The basic premise is that if you work hard in life you will be able to afford the special things such as vacations and special treats. If you do not, then these things will be few and far between. Right now, their school is their job. Ms 8 gets it. She will walk away with several hundred dollars spending money for her vacation.

I am very proud of her.

Bless you me

My morning smile. As I sit here trying to motivate myself to get into the shower Ms 8 sneezes. When she sneezes she quietly says "bless you me" and continues to do what she's doing. It's one of those cute things that I don't have the heart to correct. Listening out for the little things are important...

Kids

It's been a while since I've done a kids update. For those of you who have been following the trials and tribulations of my kids the saga certainly continues:

Mr 16 is still with us. We were already to have him change schools but the public school near his mom has a lousy reputation - it would have meant taking him from one set of issues and putting him in an environment where he could potentially have to deal with far worse. Not happening. So the only other option was a Catholic high school. Both Mr 16 and his mom had fundamental issues with that. Mr 16 because he is a self professed agnostic and very much against the bureaucracy of organized religion. No one can claim that the catholic church is nothing if not bureaucratic. His mom because her other ex spouse is raising their children as catholics and she has seen a level of fanaticism that concerns her. So the best option was to leave him where he was. And so far it's working out ok. I think the impending move combined with some very pointed feedback in his last report card has made him realize that we were not talking out of our rear ends in terms of the impact he was having on his future prospects. It'll be interesting to see if the effort continues. I am hopeful.

Mr 14 has taken Mr 16's place as ass of the household. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that they have a calendar in their room and they make conscious decisions about who's turn it is to be the bigger pain in the butt. Right now it is squarely Mr. 14. Moody, insolent, petulant, obnoxious, self serving are just a few descriptors that come to mind. Life is tough for him. It's all his fault when really it isn't. He's being picked on. Hmmm... I wonder if he's been chatting with the afore mentioned manager. I see a common theme!

Ms 8 is Ms 8. She is smart, funny and bossy as all sin. She needs to be correct all of the time, which typically she is but she has not yet learned the art of grace. She is doing exceptionally well at school - I have not seen anything come home that was not some shade of 'A' - but she doesn't take feedback well. She takes it so personally when you try to give her advice on what she could do differently. I'm thinking this will always be a challenge for her.

The three of them get along like cats and dogs. When I travel it is absolutely brutal. Ms 8 cries to the point of hysteria. She calls me. She calls her dad. Dad does not do well with this stuff. Dad gets so stressed that he tells me I need to find another job. I do not want to do this. Get the picture?

It's all about the little things and teaching the three of them to back off from the little things. I need the boys to understand that when I am gone Ms 8 is particularly vulnerable and rather than use it as an opportunity to got at it without her having Mommy's protection, what I need them to do is show empathy. To reach out to her. To distract her. To put their needs aside. I need it for half and hour in the morning and about 2 hours at night. The rest of the time that can be the selfish teenagers they seem to prefer to be. Ms 8 has a definite part to play in all this. We're working on it but the bottom line is, she is only 8.

I will do one more trip. If it doesn't work I will need to seriously think about changing jobs. It will be devastating to me to have to do that but my family has to come first. I am not yet at the point where I could do this without resentment. I hope for all our sakes that if it becomes necessary that I can find the strength to do that.

Speaking of kids - time to head out and pick them up. I am working/blogging from home today. I have a meeting with my training managers at 3.30pm that I need to dial in for so time to get my butt into gear. My very sore butt. But that's another post... a weather post... bring on summer!

Parental Update

You know when I've reached my limit...I need to blog. To write it all out.

I spoke with Mum last night and got the latest on both her and dad's health.

Dad does have leukemia, a type known as CLL. It is not an aggressive form and at this stage does not require medication, just monitoring. Colds and flu's need to be watched for since his body will not be able to fight infection off as efficiently as an otherwise healthy person but overall it could be a lot worse. His life expectancy is 10 years which will bring him to the ripe old age of 75. Not bad. He is refusing to talk about it though. My guess is that he doesn't want to worry Mum. He knows that she will go first and does not want to add the burden of his health onto her already full plate. He probably is also very scared. In all reality he will die alone. That's a hard thing to face.

My mother had another scan and it looks like the cancer has not grown at all since last time. She is having problems with her digestive system which is being treated and her pancreas is not performing at full functionality (which is to be expected with pancreatic cancer). She is a bit of an anomaly in the cancer world in that she has been on chemotherapy for more than two years. In that time she has only needed one blood transfusion (last month) to help stabilize her blood counts. She is in no pain. This is very unusual. It is very unusual for anyone to tolerate treatment for such an extended period of time let alone do relatively well at it. I always knew that my mother was a stubborn sod but who would have been able to predict that it would stand her in such good stead.

I let her know last night that I was going to try and swing a trip to visit in Mar/April 2009. Financially it should be very doable, it will be more about having it gel for work and family. I would like to take Ms 8 with me if at all possible. She is doing well at school and can easily afford the time off. The boys not so much. I really want to do this. I need to do this. My last trip was a goodbye trip but it was too long ago. I want Ms 8 to see her grandparents one more time. I want my parents to see the new and somewhat improved me. I want to see them both. We'll see... I've already planted the seed at work, I'll keep at them.

People

People are funny things. Especially around performance appraisal time. To provide some context - I currently have a management team of 7 who manage about 55 people between them. As you would expect with any group there are high performers and there are low. Where the funny comes into it is how people perceive themselves.

There are some on my team who are truly brilliant. They have raised the bar in so many ways and yet they don't see it. They are surprised, pleasantly so, by their ratings and the resultant compensation increases. Then there are others who are struggling. Who have consistently heard that they are struggling through the coaching that they are receiving. Who inherently must know that they are struggling because they feel out of control or out of the loop. And yet are surprised, unpleasantly so, by their low ratings and lack of compensation. The latter have me shaking my head. With experience and promotion I would expect a certain level of self awareness. I expect you to take accountability for your own actions and decisions. I expect that you can say "ya know, it wasn't my best year but I'm committed to the job and here is what I will do to turn it around" or "ya know, I don't think this is the right fit for me and I am choosing to leave". I do not expect to hear "it's not my fault". Ummm... who's fault is it? If you choose not to build the relationships, if you choose not to reach out if you are struggling, if you choose not to learn the business that you are managing, if you choose not to manage your people, then yeah, it's your fault. This is a natural consequence of the decisions you made. Stand up and be the manager we're paying you to be. It's not your fault? Please!

Weight Update

Yesterday: 223.6lbs
Today: 221lbs
Tomorrow: Your guess is as good as mine!

Weight Update

This morning I was back up to 224.8lbs... I really don't know what's going on. So today I decided to mix it up and make it a high refined sugar day. And boy did that do the trick.

Sugar is a sure fire laxative to the Dser. Excessive amounts will have you running. Frequently. Violently. A little sugar has no effect on me. Even a medium amount doesn't cause me any issues (thank to Flagyl no doubt) but throw in copious amount of jelly beans and watch out! The toughest part was when I was doing a presentation in front of a class of new hires. I could feel it gurgling. I could feel the tell tale gentle cramping. It was a race to see who could finish first...me or my digestive system. You know it's bad when you're colleague stands up at her desk holding a sign "eat real food!" after she heard me reach for the 1000th gourmet jelly bean (saying gourmet makes it better don't you know...) When on conference calls all day, mixing it up makes it very easy since I don't have to go out and locate said "real food".

Oh brother...the things you do to yourself. So tomorrow we follow up with a high protein day. As bad as it sounds - this was planned. I will be happy to never see another jelly bean again. It got to the point that I just wanted to brush my teeth and drink a gallon of water. Yuk. Please please let the scales reflect in the right way cause otherwise I'm going to seem/feel especially stupid and misinformed.