Feelings

As I sat reading some of the posts in my blog last week I realized that several of my posts were angry ones. Me expressing anger or frustration with things that were impacting my life. Me expressing anger with my children.

The realization was an eye-opener. I have never been an angry person. I am your typical laid back Australian. I have great capacity to compartmentalize each aspect of my life so that in stressful times I am usually able to deal with one stressor at a time.

So I thought. The self realization hit me… what if I was simply pushing the anger to one side with food. Food made me feel better. What if I was simply not dealing with the feelings… what if I was using food to numb those angry frustrated thoughts?

Now the food is gone. Instead I am giving voice to my frustrations in a way that I have never done so before. This blog certainly gives me an avenue to provide substance to my anger and frustration. I’ve never had that before. I’ve never felt comfortable sharing this sort of emotion.

Even now I second guess myself after I’ve posted an entry. I’ve never deleted any of them though because this blog was designed to be a place I could come to record my journey and this is all part of my journey. All of it. The emotions that I may not have dealt with as I was experiencing illness in my family, stupidity at work, lack of communication in my marriage all impacted my relationship with food. I do not blame any of these factors but they certainly influenced my choices, as I chose to self medicate with food.

Expressing these feelings now is not necessarily a bad thing – I feel like I’m actually starting to make progress but it’s been an adjustment for my loved ones. What a shock for them – now they get to hear about things whereas before all was quiet and happy. I’m sure they have no idea what hit them.

Am I an angry person? I don’t think so. I do believe that I am a person with emotions that are fighting to be validated now that the calorie induced fog is gone. I tell ya, this DS journey is quite the ‘head’ ride. I’m thinking that I still have many more loops to go before this ride is ready to pull into the station.

Month 2 Photo Comparison

-42 lbs

-60lbs

Weight Update

I stood on the scale this morning and it said 290.4... wow. That means I am only .4 away from saying that I have lost 60lbs. If I do it before Tueday it means that I've lost that in 2 months. Very cool!

I will update my blog later this weekend. I know I've been lax in writing... I needed some time to get my head together. Insights will be shared for your amusement.

Time to get Ms 7 ready for a birthday party she was invited to.

Do you like your children?

In most instances we give birth by choice or we marry into a relationship with kids by choice. We choose to be parents among the other things that we are. Would we make those same choices if we could see into the future? If we knew how our kids were going to behave?

I’ve blogged many times about my trials and tribulations with the boys. They are testing my patience and parenting skills, or lack thereof, on every level. They can be oppositional, selfish, self centred and downright horrible. At times like these I do not like them and I do not like their company. I find myself withdrawing from them and the family… I do not like this about myself.

What has surprised me recently is that I am becoming increasingly frustrated with Ms 7yr old. She has always been the one that could do no wrong in my eyes. She is smart as a whip, she is caring, funny, ambitious. Her challenges have always been an inclination to whine when tired and a picky eating habit that has resulted in me becoming a short order cook. Other than that - no concerns at all.

Lately though, she seems to be picking up some of the behaviours that she sees the boys use… most specifically back chatting. In our household it is never a matter of kid asks question, parent gives response, kid accepts said response. Unless it is exactly what they want to hear, they challenge everything. It drives me insane. My reasons are usually well thought out and quite frankly I do not feel the need to explain myself to a 15, 13 or 7 year old on every single decision I make.

I am tired of being challenged, I am tired of the lack of respect, I am tired of not wanting to be with my family. It concerns me greatly to see my little girl going down the route she is. I am working with her – she typically responds to reasonable logic. We’ll see. For me this is has been a real eye opener. She’s always been such an angel so now that she is acting like a normal kid I have to readjust my expectations. She really is not bad, just a little cheeky right now.

I worry too that I’ve become so jaded by the antics of the older two that I’ve just lost my ability to enjoy the good that is there in all of them. Am I being too sensitive to Ms 7 year old? Have I forgotten how to relax around the boys cause I am always expecting the worse? Do I need to lighten up? Can I learn to like the boys again?

I really don't want to feel this way about the boys but I do. I don't ever want to go down that path with Ms 7 but the risk is there. Don't get me wrong, I would lay down my life for each of them - I just don't like them right now. Lying, not caring, selfishness,rudeness etc are just not traits I admire in people. Sigh...

It was a sad day

I have been in mourning. I lost something last week that was very meaningful to me. Something that was able to bring me both pleasure and comfort. I lost my taste for Chicken Korma.

Now before you roll your eyes (again) let me explain. My all time favourite food is Chicken Korma. I love the smooth richness of the crushed cashews, cream and Korma seasonings. It was a comfort food but more than that it was just a wonderful eating experience. I could, and have, eat it every second day. I personally helped fund the recent renovations at my favourite Indian restaurant. No I’m not exaggerating… I ate there that often.

It was my first meal out after surgery. I was craving it and at that point I was thrilled to discover that I loved it still. After a couple of weeks of bland eating it really was a delight to be able to enjoy something so flavourful. The bonus was that the dish lasted me for five meals instead of one… oh joy.

Last week hubby,Ms 7 year old and I went out to lunch. Even before I ordered I had a sense of not really wanting it. When I tasted it I didn’t enjoy it at all. Even though I took the leftovers home they eventually found their way into the garbage bin. A sad moment indeed.

It’s funny, this past week seems to have been the week of changing taste buds. Things that tasted good the week before no longer do. I am starting to have cravings and I am very picky about what I give in to since my capacity to eat has been greatly reduced. A number of times I’ve made a decision about what I want only to discover that it really didn’t taste very good to me.

This is a huge adjustment for me. What is happening is that I am no longer getting the same sense of pleasure out of food that I used to. It’s not a volume thing, it’s all about taste. So if I can’t get pleasure out of food, where am I going to get pleasure from? Right now it’s certainly not from the bulk of the kids, even the little one is driving me batty (another soul searching post coming up on this one no doubt). It’s not from work, although I don’t dislike it. I think I need to find a hobby…I need to find something that I can saviour and find real pleasure in. Any ideas would be most welcome :)

Weight Update

I have found the perfect stall buster... go back to work! I don't know what it is but since going back to work on Monday my weight has been shifting down on a daily basis. I started the week at 300.something and have ended up at 296. That's just over 4lbs since Monday. This may not seem like a lot but it's steady and that's the key for me. My month to date therefore is 12lbs. I am very happy with that rate of loss, and there's still 8 days to go before I have my official monthly total. Thanks to the surgery they are pounds that I will never see again. That's a really cool concept and not one I'm sure I have my head around yet.

During past weight loss attempts I've lost significant amounts of weight and at the time I was pretty sure that the weight would never come back. But it did. This time however I have this tool that is designed to help keep the weight loss off even if I'm human and allow the occasional indiscretion. The malabsorption component will be with me for ever. This is the safety net in terms of weight gain. It does have it's own challenges in terms of nutrient absorption but that can be managed.

So in summary... 54lbs gone since my surgery just over 7 weeks ago. Wow.

The monkey is dead

In my previous post I mentioned that I had delivered a rather harrowing appraisal...well, just as I have to deliver appraisals I had to receive one as well.

To provide a little context. A few years back I went through what can only be called the most miserable time of my career possible. Two years in a row I had bosses leave one month short of appraisal time so for two years in a row I was being assessed by people who didn't know me from jack. Our appraisal process follows the mighty Bell curve. Just as there are a small number of top performers in the business there are expected to be a small number of poor performers. These people are typically managed out. I work in a service area - we provide training support to multiple functional areas, all of whom have to fight for our resources. We are limited by room availability and trainer availability. All of those things combined resulted in me receiving appraisals that were very damaging to my career prospects within our business. Were they warranted... absolutely not. I do not see myself as a top performer - in my company that means making sacrifices that I am choosing not to make at this point in my life. Do I work hard and always look out for the best interests of all stakeholders? Yes.

So... after those two brutal years along comes my current boss. After six months of observation she basically said that she couldn't see why I would have been rated so low and gave me a solid rating last year. This year the monkey had been taken off my back. I didn't have the need to always protect myself and I just did my thing. Fast forward to yesterday. I received a glowing report - yes I was Bell curved but not to anything negative - and I received a bonus. This is significant because bonuses were rather scant this year...my team was hit hard.

So I think it's time to say that the monkey is well and truly dead. Rest in peace monkey - may you stay dead and buried!

Performance Appraisals and Broken Bones

What a day.

This morning I delivered one of two performance appraisals that I really was not looking forward to delivering. Not because it was a bad appraisal - it was actually a very solid one. Because I knew she would a. not be happy with the rating and b. be devastated about the compensation message for the year. I was right on both counts. It is so hard to positively position a 'meets expectations' ratings when there is no compensation to go with it that places a monetary value on her contributions.

She did have a good year and we recommended a bonus. It just didn't come to fruition. Add in a 2.1% pay increase and it is nothing short of a slap in the face.

After stewing for a while she informed me that she was withdrawing her application for the designer position that I have available. Her rationale? Why should she put herself out there taking on a stretch when there is no accompanying reward? And you know, she's right. I feel so bad for her. She's feeling undervalued and disenfranchised.

And I have to deliver the same message to her best buddy tomorrow. Only this one will give me heck. Sigh... welcome back to work.

After she shared her decision with me I got a call from the school saying Mr 13 had hurt himself after school and needed to be picked up. He thinks he broke his ankle and can't get off the ice. Okay. Two parents in Toronto (at least an hour away)... now what?

I was luckily able to get hold of a friend to whom I owe a huge debt of gratitude. She took him to the hospital, trailing her three kids all under 5 behind her, while we traveled home. He has a fracture. I'd like to fracture his skull.

If he had been inside the school doing his homework like he was meant to while he waited for his sister to finish choir practice then this would not have happened. I am so angry at this kid right now. By willfully ignoring the right thing to do he has created a huge headache for all involved. How do we get him to and from school while he is crutches? How do we get him up and down the stairs? How does he get into the shower? How does he walk his sister home when he is lying in some field at the far end of the school because he felt the need to be there?

Think child think! It sucks that he's in pain but maybe, just maybe this will be a valuable lesson in natural consequences of ones own stupid behaviours.

It finally happened

Public recognition that I had lost weight. One of my colleagues at work, whom I see very occasionally, happened to be in Toronto today as well. The look on her face and the request for a models spin was really kinda neat! I know I've lost weight but I don't see major differences yet. It felt so good! I walked around with a cheesy smile for hours. Mind you I was already in a good mood... the scale and moved down another 1lb which means that my body is starting to work with me again.

So all in all, I'm feeling significantly better. As long as I'm losing I'm in a happy place. The slow down so early out had me really worried and no doubt there will be further paranoid posts as I continue down this journey.

Time to go crash on the sofa. Today was day 3 back at work and I'm beat! I got up at 4.30am to ensure that bathroom issues weren't going to part of my reality this morning during my commute. I feel the impact of that decision now...

Weight Update

A fly by post - getting back into the working routine is really taking up some blogging time!

Stood on the scale this morning and low and behold, I've lost 50lbs. This magic number is significant for a number of reasons. Firstly, it represents 25% of my excess weight according to my surgeon Dr. L. Secondly, it means that I've moved into a new weight range that doesn't start with the number 3. That's right I've moved out of the 300's. I've never disclosed my weight before - it's one of those numbers that I've never been proud of. However if I am to accept responsibility and move on I think I need to. My starting weight was 350lbs. This morning I weigh 299.4. My goal weight according to Dr L is 150lbs. I laughed when he told me this. I would look like a skeleton! I would be happy with 160 - 170lbs. We'll see where this journey takes me.

I am so relieved to finally not be in the 300's... I've been hovering just above it for what seems like ages. It's good to know I'm still moving in the right direction.

A New Low

No, not my weight although that is slowly creeping down (-48lbs).

The new low in bathroom issues. This morning I was out of control in terms of the bowels - it started at just after 5am. Explosive doesn't begin to describe it. The odour was truly noxious and direct a result of me adding in additional carbs yesterday. Lesson learned. Anyway, as per normal I spray the bathroom before I head back to bed which normally takes care of the problem.

About an hour later my husband gets out of bed feeling sick to his stomach due to the smell. He's always been sensitive to smells but this one is tough... there is very little I can do to control it. Can we move past this one? I don't know. This is big. What a turn off this must be for him. What a blow to the self esteem this is for me...

Crap. Sorry...too appropriate

Disclaimer: I don't normally post stuff like this but it is a reality of the DS and therefore I want to put it out there for those that are researching their options. It is merely a factor that needs to be taken into consideration. It is not an always thing and it doesn't happen to everyone. In some cases though it may have a significant impact.

Hi Ho Hi Ho it's off to work we go

On Monday I go back to work. I thought I was ready mentally but after talking with my boss yesterday I realized that I really don't miss the political, underhanded crap that takes place. The mortgage dictates that I must go back so go back I will, but I am going back to a very different world.

It seems that lots of changes have taken place while I've been away - some good, some bad. I actually don't mind change, there's always something very energizing about a new challenge. I am not happy though that some of these changes, which could have waited until I returned, happened without my input. They pay me good dollars to have strategic input - essentially my boss has cut me out of the process.

A bit of background - recently, I split my team into two. We promoted one of my directs to manage my team and I took the other. It was the right thing to do - I had way too much on my plate. We each support different areas of the business for their training needs. I took customer care and collections - he took credit and assumed responsibility for all of our audit requirements (gag... I'm so glad that he's good at this). While I was away apparently some big changes happened in collections that he supported on my behalf. The project is only part way through so in her wisdom, my boss has decided that collections will stay with my coworker. Her logic is not all bad, and I'm taking on a new team, but I am so disappointed that I am no longer going to be working with these folks. I invested a lot into building the relationship and more importantly partnership... I would have liked to have seen it further along before handing it off. The upside is that my coworker will do a good job - they are in good hands.

The other thing I'm not looking forward to is dealing with one of my team members. She is a disgruntled worker who through circumstances that were totally beyond her control ended up in a role that she did not sign up for. It sucks for her. This happened years ago. She has chosen to deal with it in a really passive aggressive manner. She does not respect me since I have less training experience than her. She poisons the team environment. She is miserable but doesn't take control of the situation to make it right for her. She has an ideal outcome which we can not give her. Nothing I do, nothing my boss has done can turn this woman around. I don't know where to go next. In my world you either choose to stay and suck it up, take action to make it better or leave. I have never encountered this sort of behaviour before. Anyway, she has applied for one of the three open positions I have on a new design team. She has the base skills but her attitude really concerns me. I don't want to give her this position out of fear that she will see it as a reward for her disfunctional behaviour. My boss is leaning towards having her in the position. It's a lose lose proposition for me.

After yesterdays conversation I truly don't feel that I've been away for 7 weeks. It also reminded me that I am going to have to find new ways to cope with this crap. Since I joined the company 10 years ago I put on close to 170lbs. That's 17lbs a year of stress eating right there! That's no longer an option so I'm hoping I have the fortitude to find a way to deal with my working life. Another journey is about to begin methinks...

Blended Families Suck

Being a family without major disfunction is tough at the best of times, being a blended family just makes "normal" so much tougher.

The family is never about you and the kids, it's about you and the kids and the other parent. Usually it's about two sets of priorities and two sets of needs. Add in a set of kids who share one biological parent but not the other and the mix gets even murkier. Deep dark plots of favouritism and unfairness arise in the unformed minds of the minors. If they spent as much time focusing on their school work as they did the rest of the crap, man we'd have straight A students on our hands! Before I get off track - we'll leave the school work for many upcoming posts.

One of the toughest things is when kids feel pulled between two sets of parents. Today, a little example. I asked kid 13, whether we were meeting his Mom at 7.30pm at our midway drop off spot as I has suggested. Twelve hours after the phone conversation with his mom takes place he informs me that doesn't work for her. She finishes work at 5 and rather than go home would like to meet after that. I remind kid 13 that his younger sister is in an after school program from which we do need to collect her, that she and his brother have newspapers to deliver, and that normally Dad and I are both at work so this time frame doesn't work. Never has, and unless I win the lotto, never will (this is added commentary, I didn't say that to him).

He then goes into a tirade about how he's going to get stuck delivering the papers...blah blah blah. I saw red. No one asked him but god forbid that he should offer to help out in order to cut out one process that was making the 7.30pm time frame a reality. The little turd wants to meet his Mom's time frame but is not willing to do one iota of work to make it happen. You know what, it's time for a reality check kid 13. This was not verbalized to the kid but I think it needs to be...again.

The reason your sister is in an after school program that is costing me $4000 a year, rather than at home right after school at which time those papers could be done, is because you and your brother made her life so miserable that she wanted to run away. You have not learned to set aside your own selfishness to ensure that her life is tolerable when you guys are alone, just as you cannot set aside your own selfishness now to ensure that all the obligations are met before we head out.

If the blended family thing was not a part of this it could simply become a matter of, you know what kid 13, because of your attitude we are not going anywhere this evening. But we can't do that. I am very aware of the boys need to spend time with their Mom. I tend to more protective of that than they are. It's not fair to her.

So this morning started with me totally annoyed with kid 13 and his ongoing selfish-lazy-give me mentality, and with him probably totally ticked with me cause he can't see what the problem is.

What I wouldn't do a Starbucks Grande Java Chip Frappuccino right now!

Unproductive

With my medical leave coming to an end in just a few short days I look back and I can honestly say that this has been the most unproductive 7 weeks of my life. I have been apathetic and lazy to a fault. I have achieved nothing! I had these wonderful visions of getting myself organized, using this time to get things sorted out, to make life easier. Yeah right!

The Christmas stuff is all in one place but it is not boxed up, the rebate forms are sitting on the desk waiting to be sent it, I have not reviewed the material from my advanced management as planned and my closet looks exactly the same as before surgery. I'm doing it again - holding myself back. My hopes of doing the above were not unreasonable, in fact as long as I was prepared to take short notice bathroom breaks they were perfectly doable, but they did not get done. I seem to have this "failure" wish. I tell ya, this had better not spill into my work life when I go back else I am in for a major kick in the pants...financially we can't afford for that to happen.

Sigh... I need to snap myself out of this!

Transformations

I am a renovation show junkie. No matter whether it's a show about transforming an existing room, an existing house, buying a new house, selling an old one, or renovating oneself... I love them all. During my medical leave I've had the opportunity to laze my way through the day and watch more of these type of shows than I normally do. Today I finally clued into the attraction... it's all about the opportunity for a transformation.

The opportunity to change something you didn't like, the opportunity to take control, the opportunity for a fresh start. The attraction of these shows is not unlike the attraction towards Weight Loss Surgery. WLS is about a transformation - it's about a transformation from unhealthy to healthy, it's a transformation from self conscious to confident, it's a transformation from having let go of control to taking control of your own destiny... it's a transformation of your mind. Mostly it's a transformation that you needed help with...

I love seeing the transformations in the shows as they take place but most of all I love the reactions of those who are the recipients of the transformation. I shed tears with them and I share their awe. After each show I dream of the transformations that I would like to make in my own home. It's about inspiration.

These days I find that I get the same sort of inspiration reading other WLS blogs - this is about people who have taken the difficult step to make some pretty serious changes in an attempt to transform their lives. I find them aspiring in so many ways - I cheer on their successes, I cry with their frustrations, I find hope in their learnings and I dream. I dream of what my experiences will be like when my journey takes me there.

Eat, eat and eat

In an attempt to kick start the weight loss which is crawling along (.2lb up, .2 down, .3 up...see the pattern), I have made a very sincere effort to increase my protein intake... it really has been very low.

Today I ate

B: Protein Shake (21g)
S: slice of thick bologna (6)
L: pot roast (32g)... eaten over a 2 hour period
S: 1/2 cup trail mix (10)
S: 1/2 wholewheat tortilla with salmon mousse (9)
D: Herbed beef (30)

That makes a whopping 108g of protein which is more than double I managed to consume yesterday. It was really hard though... I seemed to be eating all the time. My goal is to convince my body it's not starving... hopefully I'll only need to do this for a few days and then I can back off a little.

I'm doing great with my water today.

Let's hope this will do the trick because I am becoming disheartened. I need to see some progress. I know it will happen - I am just trying to help it along. If this doesn't work I have some other strategies I'll try. I just need to figure out what my body needs...

Going back to work

In less than a week I go back to work and I have to admit - I am really nervous about it. It's a strange sensation since I do miss it but I don't know if I'm ready.

The issue for me is largely a bathroom one. My mornings are nothing short of unpredictable. I never know what time they'll start (any time from 3am till 6.30am) but more importantly what time my system will settle enough to let me function in public.

My concerns, bathroom and otherwise, are simply

1. my boss wants me to start coming into Toronto 3 days a week. This is not a wholly unreasonable request since I have some team issues. I am also bringing on three new team members who will need my support. Going into Toronto means commuting either by car or by train. No matter which way I go I'm traveling for at least an hour. The train has washrooms but I am really uneasy about using them. They are small, they are not that private, the smell could be enough to clear the train (I am mortified thinking about it) and worst of all, it is not always a quick in and out. What if I reach my stop and I can't get up? I could end up at the other end of Toronto or worse still in the train yard. The thought of having to do this makes my stomach turn.

2. I have been away for 7 weeks. I really don't know what I'm walking back into. The dynamic at work is always an interesting one. We report into the US and I find that depending on what influences my bosses boss brings to bear, things change quickly.

3. It's performance appraisal time. In our world a 3 rating means you're doing a very good job thank you. A 2 means you're magnificent and a 1 means we should be cloning you. Two of my team think a 3 is a slap in the face. I will have to deliver that message. On top of that the powers that be have assigned little or no bonues this year... always makes a 3 so much more difficult to accept. One of those two employees has been miserable in her role for years and she doesn't try to hide it. She has made my life a misery - I do not miss the negativity at all.

4. Commuting more regularly means that my kids will have to fend for themselves in the morning. The three of them cannot get along - it was not uncommon for me to get 4 - 5 calls in a single commute. My then 6 year old told me she wanted to run away to get away from the boys. I nearly texted my husband to ask for a divorce so that I wouldn't have to deal with it. It was not a happy time. There has been no improved maturity on the part of the boys so I cannot see how this is going to work without considerable grief. Sigh...

The upside is that I love what I do. I love being in the training world because I believe we have the power to make a difference. I can't wait to get back and grow my team... there are so many opportunities.

All is quiet

As I sit here enjoying the rare sound of silence, save the hum of the PC's, I am transported back about 4 months ago when I posted about the first day of school. That's right this time 4 months ago the kids went back to school and I gave myself an objective of getting in my application for Out of Country medical approval through our provincial health insurance provider OHIP.

It's hard to believe that in that time frame I was approved for surgery, I have had surgery and now I coming up to my 6 week surgiversary. Things moved quickly, the only delay was me. I had to delay my initial consult by a month because it was performance appraisal time at work and I could not justify not being there to fight for my folks. And I mean fight - the process is a harrowing one in our company. I guess that's understandable when you have over 100,000 people being assessed against each other...but I digress.

In that 4 months I have learned a lot about myself, my surgery and life in general. For those that are considering the Duodenal Switch as a weight loss option, or for those that are newly post op here is a list of what I have learned. I have read similar lists from others and they helped me immensely. I didn't feel so alone. I had some reassurance that what I was going through was normal.

I have learned that:

1. Research is the key. Before you make the commitment, before you have the surgery and before you move away from your surgeons recommendations, research research research. It helped me walk into the surgery very calmly. I continue to research even now - hoping to learn from those that went before me.

2. Understand that no matter how much you research, a lot of it you won't understand until you experience it. I had no idea how eating too fast would feel (I describe it much like waiting to have a heart attack), I had no idea how I would react to a rapid slow down in weight loss (I wasn't ready for it), I had no idea how fast and furious a bowel movement could really be (I could sink a small submarine). So the advice, store it all away but be prepared to go back and retrieve that information when you have your experiences... learn from it.

3. I am accountable. This one is the hardest for me. I know I am not maximizing my opportunity because I have not managed to get my liquid levels to where they need to be on a consistent basis. I have also not institutionalized an exercise routine. Very few people can get away with no exercising. I am not one of them. By choosing not to make the time I am choosing to slow down my weight loss. It sucks but I am accountable and I do have to accept responsibility.

4. A "this too shall pass attitude" will help tremendously. The first days post surgery are not pretty, the first little while of getting used to your plumbing with all it's accompanying issues (ranging from diarrhea to constipation) are not pretty, dealing with discomfort is not fun, being not able to lift anything more than 8 - 10lbs is a pain in the butt, not knowing what to eat, not wanting to eat, not enjoying what you eat are all disheartening. But if you can keep in mind that this too shall pass, it is so much easier to deal with. Attitude is key. Reach out for help and advice when you need it (and I've been very thankful for having a great resource in ObesityHelp.com as well as my favourite WLS blogs (Kim, Alison, Epzy, Tia and Mary Beth... thank you). Always keep in mind though that whatever sucks for you right now - it does get better.

5. Your mind needs help too. I have been dieting since I was 17. I am now 41. That's many years of learning and unlearning different diet information dependent on the flavour of the diet day. Don't expect for it all to fall into place just because you've had surgery. The old demons are still there. The fear is still there. Recognize it and be gentle with yourself (I am still working on this one) or even better seek some professional help. We all have our demons and sometimes it takes a neutral 3rd party to help remove those. There will be moments when you feel really resentful because you can not eat what you want to eat. Yesterday I felt crappy all day - nothing went down well, nothing tasted good. I so wanted to reach for an old comfort food friend but I "knew" that if I chose to do so I would be shooting myself in the foot (or more appropriately in the butt). I actually felt resentment. Even though I had made the choice. Be prepared for that and then read 4...this too shall pass.

6. Do not compare yourself to others. Unless you walk in someone else's shoes you can not truly compare. I remember being so excited when I had lost 24lbs in 8 days, that soon became 34 and then it crawled to my current loss. During the early days I identified with a woman who was about the same weight as me when she started her journey and she lost 100lbs in the first 3 months. Early on I figured I could do that. By doing this I have made things so much more difficult for myself. I feel like a failure when heck I'm not. I can't remember the last time that I lost 42lbs in 6 months lets alone 1. Even if I lose 10lbs per month from here on in, I'm going to be close to goal within 18 months. Given that it's taken a lifetime of over eating to get here, that's not bad. Do not set yourself up for heart ache...compare to your previous losses instead.

7. The scale is evil. You will have a love hate relationship with it. At first it's fun. You wake up you weigh yourself and it's lower than yesterday. You weigh before bed and it's lower again...Cool. And then it happens. It stops. It slows down. It stops again. Oh crap, I've gained 1/4 lb. It is so easy to become obsessed. I have not yet tamed this particular devil but if you can avoid it I would highly recommend it. Being a slave to the scale is unhealthy. I am hoping that when I go back to work next week I can tear myself away!

8. Life will be different. Dinners out now should be about the company rather than the food... you will finish a long time before every one else. Where food was a social thing you need to make conversation or other things the social focus. Where food was a comfort thing you need other things to give you comfort and provide you with joy. And a lot of these changes will be internal. Life hasn't changed for everyone else so they are not going to notice or be as aware of it as you. Be prepared to go some of this alone.

I'm sure there's more but these are the main things.

I have been very lucky - my journey has ,so far, been an easy one. My insurance came through in record time, the surgery was a textbook one with no complications and my weight loss has been solid. I know that I am the only one that can make this journey a fantastic one (thanks for the reminder Mary Beth).

Food

Ok... I need input from any and all DSers out there that may be reading this blog...

I am 5.5 weeks out and here is what I ate today... is it enough? What should I be aiming to improve?

Breakfast - protein shake - 21g protein
Snack - soy nuts - 10g protein
Lunch - toppings off 3 pieces of pizza (was at my sister in laws house) pepperoni, cheese, sausage, bacon and green pepper. I ate about 1/3 of one crust.
Dinner - two plain chicken wings plus a cheese stick
Snack - one small piece of dark chocolate (5g carbs and 2 protein)
Snack throughout the day - 1/4 cup peanuts (13g protein)

I've also had about 1.5 litres of water so far and will likely get in another 500ml (16.9 oz) before bed.

Kim, Deluzy, Tia and anyone else out there...Any suggestions or opinions would be much appreciated.

I feel like I still have so much to learn about this thing I've done to myself... will I ever feel confident enough that it just slides to the background?

Progress

Ok - so yesterday I managed 1.5 litres of water, that's at least 500ml short but a definite improvement on recent weeks.

I had my fortnightly (2 week) check up with my PCP... down 5lbs for the 2 weeks. While my PCP is happy that my weight loss has slowed down somewhat, I am not. It seems like such a slow rate of loss this early out. I would expect this in later months.

Oh well... it is what it is. I can only move forward from this. A blogger that I much admire (read her blog by clicking on the link to your right... Attraversiamo) recently wrote about plateaus and stalls. I think it's time to try some of her suggestions. Maybe eat more, change when I exercise... basically the message was mix it up somewhat and see what happens.

My next appointment is in 4 weeks time. I'm hoping that the loss will be a little more encouraging in that time frame.

Must Do's

There are very few rules for those that have had the DS surgery but there are a couple of musts

1. you must take all your vitamins and supplements...for the rest of your life. To choose not to do so could result in illness, or in the worst case scenario, death
2. eat 80 - 100 grams of protein a day. Protein is malabsorbed so we need to ensure that we get enough in to keep us healthy
3. Drink at least 64oz (8 cups) of water per day.

I'm doing great on the first one. I'm trying really hard on the second one but have found it difficult. This is actually a lot of protein and with my stomach being as small as it is, it is very hard to get much in at each sitting. But I'm on track... I believe the goal is 90 grams by 90 days... I still have some wiggle room. Where I am struggling is with my water. I am not drinking enough. I carry a bottle around all day but if I drink too much I can not eat and then I struggle with 2. I also just plain forget to sip constantly. I need to become far more regimented because dehydration is really dangerous. I also need the water to flush out all the crap and we all know how much crap there is in a body this size!

So my goal for the next few days is find a way to get in the water. I will keep myself honest by posting consumption here daily. If you have suggestions as to how I can increase my intake, please leave me your comments... this is a struggle for me. A frustrating one because pre-surgery I was easily drinking 2 - 3 litres (64 - 96oz) per day.

Off to get a drink... sip, sip, sip

The *itch is back

There are not many advantages to being morbidly obese... but there is one that I will miss. During the past year or so I have had only fleeting glimpses of the monthly cycle that North Americans affectionately call Aunt Flo. And I mean glimpse. I was so ok with this. I am done having children. I do not attach any significance to menstruation as a sign of womanhood. Let's face it, the whole thing is just a pain in the butt disruption to your life.

Well she's back, and she's back with a vengeance. I have always been fairly lucky - no heavy PMS, no great pain but this time around, she's making up for lost time! I cannot wait for this to be over. For all of you out there who suffer regularly... you have my deepest sympathy.

Month 1 Photo Comparison

Pre Surgery



Month 1 - down 42lbs

2007

It's hard to believe that it's already 2007... the last few years have flown by so quickly.

What do you want out of 2007? Me, my needs are relatively simple:

1. health for my family and loved ones
2. a year of growth at work and perhaps a new job. My company is moving at the end of this year and it will involve a considerable commute. My goal is to start looking around in the local area in the hope that I can maintain my existing salary but much closer to home than I will end up if I move. It's hard though - in March I will have been with them for 10 years.
3. continued weight loss and improvement in health
4. continued strengthening of my relationship with my husband
5. the boys having an aha moment that will allow then to pass through teenage stupidity relatively unscathed. This is the biggest question right now - it's also the one that I wish for most
6. a more stable financial picture. My husband and I are well paid but we're not financially smart in our spending right now. I would like to rein it in and build a little more short term security for us. Long term we're fine.

On top of these generic big picture wishes there are some things I would like to achieve:

1. renovate the downstairs bathroom
2. build exercise into my daily routine
3. clean sweep my kitchen (get rid of all useless clutter) and then plan a renovation (finances will dictate 2007 or 2008)
4. take a family vacation I can fully participate in ( my weight has held me back in so many ways)
5. see my Mum... I know Mum is thinking about going to Holland for my cousins wedding. If she does I will meet her there. It is a much more affordable option than Australia. I would like to see her one more time. My last trip was a goodbye trip but it was well over a year ago.
6. join something... something that is not work or kid related. Something that I can grow into a long term hobby or interest. For me.
7. get a professional pedicure. I hate my feet and am/was too embarrassed to let anyone else touch.
8. get a massage. I've never had one.
9. landscape the front yard. Backyard next year
10. Do something for me, once a week. I suck at this.