Month 11 Photo Comparison

You'll have to forgive the lopsided photos... Ms 8 was apparently a little off balance this morning. Given it's her first wonky photo's in 11 months I think I'll forgive her.

It's been a slow month. Weight 218.6lbs which makes a loss for the month of 2.8lbs. And to think I was complaining of a 4lb loss last month. Oh well... it is what it is.

Photos:

Presurgery: 350 lbs
Month 5: 257lbs
Month 11: 218.6lbs

I added in the 5 month photo just to show how rapidly you lose weight in the first 5 - 6 months of this surgery. Some will continue to lose quite fast. Me... I've slowed down but I'm still losing so can't complain too much (but I will, just a little)

It's raining

In my dining room. On Wednesday, upon investigating a strange sound that I truly hoped wasn't another errant squirrel, I discovered water dripping through my dining room ceiling. The master bathroom is directly above. I would have preferred to find a squirrel.

My hopes were further dashed on Thursday when the plumber let me know it wasn't a pipe problem. It was a leaky shower problem. A big one. We are now going to have to renovate our bathroom.

So I have a hole in my ceiling. A hole in my wall. Soon I will have a huge hole in my bank account. All I can say is thank goodness I was laid off and I am currently drawing two salaries. One for my job and one as a severance. The severance will pay for the new bathroom. My job will pay the bills. I can't imagine how we would have done this otherwise... a new bathroom was not in the budget for this year.

Have you ever renovated a bathroom? I have no idea what I want. We are slowly starting to come to some common ground in terms of what we would like to have. It'll be interesting to see what we end up with because hubby and I do have very different tastes. We agree that simple lines are better than traditional. We both like square sinks... and we will now have two...yay! We We will put in an exhaust fan. We will tear out some of the built in shower and replace with glass. The rest like colours and fixtures we have yet to agree.

A new adventure for us both... our first true renovation project.

Weight Frustration

For the last month or so I have been gaining and losing the same 2lbs. I have wavered between 220lbs and 218lbs. With little movement above or below.

I am frustrated. I was hoping to see a little more progress in the last months leading to my one year surgerversary. Man, right now I'd be happy to see any progress.

So what's happening? It could be a number of things

1. I am not getting in enough protein. My last labs indicated my protein levels were low. Since then I have made the effort of adding a protein shake a day. I also eat a protein bar a day since my working life is such that lunch is at times a luxury. Between the shake and bar I get 55gms of protein. Throw in a cup of nuts and I'm up to around 80 - 85gms. I'm guessing here but I would estimate that the rest of my day I'm probably only eating another 40gms of protein. That's not bad but given that I malabsorb 50% of the protein, and given that I am starting on the low side, it's simply not enough.

2. Carbs are my worst nightmare. The carb monster has me firmly in its grip and I'm not talking good carbs. I'm talking wagon wheels, chips, chocolate, icecream. Not a lot (well, not usually) but regularly enough that it's probably messing me up.

3. Not enough water. I know this is true. I am struggling getting in enough fluids although I do try. I need to find a way to drink and not pee! I already have some days where I am booked for back to back meetings for 6 hours straight. I have not yet figured out how to eat and drink and not have to visit the bathroom. Once I get my blackberry I guess I can just set up shop in the bathroom... that would solve a few problems. May be the end of my career though... it's hard to hide the sound of flushing... yours and others.

4. No exercise. Yes I take the stairs and yes I walk at a decent pace wherever I go but I do not do any other form of exercise. The $1200 treadmill has become yet another $1200 coat hanger. This is another thing I need to address. The low protein puts me at risk of my body going after my muscles for protein. I need to build them.

Whatever the reason, and I have four pretty good reasons why things may not be moving the way I want them to, I am still frustrated. I know what I have to do but I guess the frustration is more with the fact that the party is over. The weight loss has been relatively easy until now. Now I need to work the tool I've been given. I have yet to work out how to do that effectively. Tuesday is my 11 month weigh in. I hope that I can find the strength to make my 12th month a kick ass one. I would like to end my first year on a bang.

I feel like...

I have so many words bottled up inside! Truly, when I don't blog for a period of time I feel like I'm going to explode. I have stories to tell. Troubles to vent. Stupidity to share. It feels good.

Working, busy children, bathroom disasters and computer issues have all conspired to keep me away from here. Tonight I am claiming a few minutes between putting Ms8 to bed and picking Mr 16 up from work.

Tonight I blog!

Sad I know ;)

So the Sh*t has hit the fan

A very dear friend of mine goofed. Really big. She made the mistake of hitting "reply all". Not a good plan when you have unpopular things to say. Not a good plan when the mailing list is 40+ people.

My friend is a person of principle. She strongly believes that there is a right way and a wrong way to go about things. Her peeve? Hidden lies or untold truths. Perceived or real. The group is run by a woman who is very passionate about helping people. I don't question that she wants to help as many people as possible reach their goals. The problem is that she is very heavily biased towards the gastric by pass surgery. She helps newbies with their insurance forms. They come prefilled with her surgeons name already put in.

As a leader you have such influence - if you are going to direct a group one way or the other then it is important to let people know why you are doing that. Is this your business? That's fine - just let people know. There is a perceived level of secrecy and that affects perceived integrity. My friend decided it was time to raise her concerns. An email that was intended for the leader went to the whole group.

What ensued, and I am very thankful that I was not privy to the original emails, is nothing short of amazing. Hate mail, threats of suing, he said she said. This all from a group that is based on support. I'm sure that if she had her rathers, that email would not have been so widely spread. I do have to say though, that I admire the courage it took to question it. It goes back to the issue I have with my step son...if you don't have your integrity you have nothing. If questioned use it as an opportunity to clear the air. Honesty. Disclosure. Openness. All good concepts.

Funnily enough this issue annoyed me less than the meeting announcement. With it came a stern warning not to bring your children. Ms 8 and my friends Ms 9 attended last week. For most of the 3 hour meeting they were outside. On occasion they came in. They would have preferred not to be there. It was a matter of necessity.

There was also a request not to eat during the meeting. This one I'm not sure how to deal with. I eat during the meeting. I usually bring my nuts because when I don't I get so hungry that I start to burp. Empty stomach = excessive burping for me. On a much deeper level I truly believe that developing a good relationship with food, be it yours or others, is not about denying it and it's not about hiding it. In my many failed dieting attempts I never expected anyone else to stop eating what they liked when they liked just so that I didn't have to deal with it. That's ludicrous. So as an extension of that, I should not have to feel guilty or bad because the people around me cannot or choose not to eat what I eat.

It's not easy running a meeting like this. It takes a lot of time, energy and dedication. It's hard to please a diverse group of people with a diverse set of needs. But the bottom line should be the question of support. Are we doing the right thing in supporting everyone when we place restrictions on the group that ultimately will affect their ability to participate?

I wish the group well. It is a source of comfort for many people and I hope it continues to be so. Me? Well I think it's time to move on. Not because of any one thing I've discussed here - more because I wasn't getting what I needed out of the meetings. It's a personal thing. The events of this week have just made it easier to walk away.

*E* for the record, and only because I know you read occasionally, I think you do an amazing job. You are a wealth of knowledge and support. You have the ability to remain very unbiased and I wanted you to know how truly unique that is in this emotional world of weight loss surgery. You would make an awesome trainer should you ever decide to make a career change... come see me if you do.

OHIP and the Duodenal Switch

There has been much talk lately in the world of weight loss surgery support boards that OHIP, the Ontario Health Insurance Provider, is tightening up on the approval for the DS. There is rumour that the DS will be reserved for people with higher BMI's... whatever that means. Although I clearly do not KNOW what is going on, I have some thoughts that I need to share.

1. Part of the discussion has been questioning the cost of duodenal switch surgery. The DS can, and I say can because I have heard of gastric by pass surgeries that have been comparable in cost, cost more. Not significantly more but in the 10 - 20% range more. As a public entity OHIP does have the right and obligation to show all due financial concern when considering funding for any type of surgery or medical care. I don't have an issue with this.

What I do have an issue with is if upfront cost is the only consideration. I would hope that the increased chance of regaining weight and therefore a return of obesity related diseases associated with other surgeries are factored into the equation. For that matter if you simply took a $ per EWL% the cost of the DS actually comes out lower. On average you lose a greater percentage of your excess weight with the Duodenal Switch. By extrapolation this means that you should see a corresponding decrease in weight related health issues.

2. Denying the DS based on lower BMI's is misinformed at best. The DS is tailored to each individual. The surgeon will decide how long your common channel needs to be based on your current weight and the goal weight. This part of the surgery can be revised. The DS works for people like me who had a starting BMI of 50+ but it can also work well for people who have BMI's in the 35 - 50 BMI range.

3. Complications. Complications occur with all surgeries. The DS is no different. I have a sense that some of the current thinking may be as a result of some of these complicated cases. I would hope that someone with a bent for statistics is looking at the complication rate vs one or two cases that are currently on their radar screen,

4. The lapband will now be funded. Does this means that one WLS has to drop off the books? Lets think about the overal success rate with the lapband? It nowhere compares to either the DS or Gastric By Pass.

Lastly and most importantly I hope that OHIP is considering all the research that clearly indicates that the Duodenal Switch is the superior weight loss surgery. It is a riskier surgery. It is less readily available because of the complexity but if people make the choice to go with the surgery that, today, is considered superior then it should be something that OHIP supports as a long terms solution to decreasing weight related illnesses, not something that is measured merely on the opening line of a balance sheet.

I sincerely hope that the rumours are just that. Talk without basis. Not having the DS funded would be a huge disservice to Ontarians who are seeking to surgerically manage their weight.

An update at last from the world of the working

It's hard to put into words right now what I feel. Tired. Energized. Scared. Full. All come to mind.

It's been quite the start to this latest phase of my career. A few observations:

1. These people eat. A lot. Monday morning before I had even walked into the building my boss called me for my coffee order. She took me out to lunch. Tuesday included a meeting at Starbucks and dinner out with one of my managers and the outgoing director. Wednesday evening we had a larger team building cook your own meal restaurant experience which was simply amazing. Today it's a baby shower with obligatory cake. It's been all about the socializing and food. I've lost 2lbs since Monday. Go figure!

2. The outgoing director, LH, is simply amazing. She has done nothing other than include me in the fold and set me on the way to success. The scary part is that she is a hard act to follow. I'll be managing the Boston team remotely which will be a challenge because they rightfully have a very strong bond with her.

3. The company was acquired last week. This is a very positive step because they were initially set up as a venture capital company. The possibilities that this buyout creates is enormous. My team is going to be very very busy

4. The team has real potential. Strong managers, green but eager trainers and coaches. It's so nice to walk into a company that is so well staffed from a training perspective.

There is so much going on in my head right now. I fall asleep exhausted each night. Hubby has really stepped up to the plate - he's been leaving work early so he could shuffle the kids around and allow me the luxury of two night events in a row. I am very grateful for that.

Weight today : 217.6lbs

I have changed

It didn't happen all at once but I have noticed recently that I have changed... particularly in the way that I dress.

As a super morbidly obese person clothes that elongated lines and eliminated bulges as best they could were a girls best friend. This invariably meant oversized shirts and sweaters, long skirts and jeans. The clothes were designed to be comfortable and concealing.

These days my wardrobe tends to be more fitted. T-shirts are still long but they are now fitted to show shape. I am wearing pants more often simply because they look good and fit well. I have gone from a standard flat shoe to ones with heels. This is a huge change for me. I am learning to walk on heels again. I feel so tall. I stand 5'10'' in bare feet. With my boots on I am anywhere between 5'11" and 6'1"tall. What a difference a few inches makes.

Yesterday I pulled on sweater that I purchased a few weeks ago while in Michigan. It is loose and comfortable. It doesn't feel right. I feel like I'm hiding in it. This was the big aha moment for me. I am not uncomfortable showing some shape these days. Do I wear short skirts or sleeveless shirts? No because the bare skin look is one that just doesn't work for me. But I do feel ok showing a little cleavage and I do feel ok showing my figure... even at 220lbs. This is very liberating. I am learning to accept what I look like rather than spend enormous amounts of money (fat clothes are pricey) trying to hide it.

Weight update: 219lbs. Can you say stuck?

Dumbass children

The folly continues.

The day after Mr 16's latest lie fest we get a call from his teacher. He's not doing the work. He's 80% of the book behind in taking notes. He feels that the notes in his head are just fine. We all know where his head spends most of it's time. Argh. It's a good thing children don't become teenagers first because you would never have a second one and the world would be doomed. The human population would simply die out.

To top it all off Mr 14 has been making some unfortunate dumbass decisions that has resulted in more than the required amount of stress all around.

These kids really don't get it. From their perspective the world revolves around them. We are there to do as they say and drive them to where they need to be. We are their short order cooks. They don't care about anyone else. They are incapable of seeing someone elses perspective and have no concept of how much the words "thank you" would save their sorry asses every now and then.

I so hope we've instilled enough of the good values in them that at some point when they start to become more likable again that they are also positive contributors to our society. Right now I don't see it, I just have to go one faith (or blind naiveness... whatever works)

OMG 2

Yesterday morning apparently was nothing compared to what I was going to experience in the afternoon. No this is not another poop post (I can hear the collective sigh of relief) but it is DS related. Kind of.

Since my surgery I have been experiencing irregular and inconsistent menstrual cycles even though I am on the pill. I have breakthrough bleeding and the only sign that this may be about to happen is my eating patterns. Refer to my post of a couple of days ago. Oh, that was all related?

Anyway, my concern was whether the pill was an effective method of birth control for me. Am I absorbing enough of it to keep me pregnancy free? My doctors concern was related to the anemia. So together we decided that an IUD would be an effective tool for me.

Yesterday was the big day. The day of insertion. The day I discovered that I really don't like the gynecologist much. I had no idea that it was going to hurt as much as it did. Maybe I am being significantly wimpy here but since I am one that does not suffer the joys of menstrual cramping I am not good at dealing with pain in that general area. During the process and for about 3 hours afterwards I felt as if someone had kicked me full force in the lower abdomen. The constant ache was distracting at best, socially dangerous at its worse ... I was ready to bite off a policeman's head should they have stopped me for speeding (which I was). My sole goal when I got in the car was to get home as soon as possible so I could take some ibuprofen. See...wimp!

Today is a better day. Hopefully this will help out on the anemia front and if I get lucky I'll see my periods disappear completely. I am so ok with that! This thing lasts for 5 years so if all plays out I'll be in menopause at that point and not have to worry about another insertion. I am also very ok with that...

OMG!

I swear, I had to turn around to see if I had pooped out an organ today. I thought I was going to have to surgically attach the toilet to my butt if I wanted to leave the house. Holy crap... thank goodness that doesn't happen too often! The upside is that I lost over 2lbs in less than half an hour ~insert eye roll~!

Something I ate yesterday did not agree with me. I think I know what that something is but I am in denial. So just to make sure I finished it off today. ~insert another eye roll~

Let me explain. I am Dutch by birth. Even though we moved to Australia when I was 6, I grew up with a Dutch diet. So for me Dutch food is the ultimate comfort food. It's not something I want very often but when I do have it, it has the power to bring forth lots of very pleasant childhood memories. Anyway, yesterday I had an overwhelming urge for Dutch Croquettes. I was in the neighbourhood of the Dutch store, so thought what the heck. To my pleasant surprise 2 Dutch croquettes have 14g of protein (lets not talk about the carbs). I purchased a pack of six and ate four over two meals yesterday. Delicious. Comforting. Sigh.

I'm thinking the carbs did me in. I've never had a reaction like this to any food. Now I'm assuming that's what it was. I could be wrong, in which case we go back to the drawing board. I should know later tonight/tomorrow morning if that is the case thanks to the 2 I had for breakfast.

I post about these sort of things because it's important for those considering weight loss surgery to know that it's a life long game of trial and error. Sometimes you hit upon things that simply will not agree with you. It means you need to remain vigilant. My advice... add in one new food at a time so you can easily identify what's giving you problems.

I would like to introduce you to

the new Director of Training. Yay me! My boss called last night to update me and offer me the training role. I am thrilled beyond words. If I could have written my own job description, this is it. It is a great chance to have some impact on a young and progressive company.

I start on Monday and will be Boston the following week to meet the rest of my team as well as the senior management group.

To all of you who have read and supported me since April... thank you. I can never express how much the comments and emails have meant to me.

So the wait is over. I can now truly relax for the next day or so. Well maybe not relax. I may have a little bit of stuff to organize. Well a lot. Oh crap - got to get moving.

Bra Fitting... I am what size?

I have always been large breasted. I developed early and these things just kept on growing. As I gained weight they would definitely grow with me but as I lost weight they remained large.

In January I purchased some new bras after my initial 42lb loss. They were a 42DDD. It was a struggle to do them up at first. Today I went to Sears knowing that I had lost some weight off my chest and wanting to be fitted. I had no idea what size to buy. Turns out that I am still a 42 DD. No wonder the coats on my size 16 suits don't do up very well over my chest. I'm shrinking but not that quickly!

Hubby was just teasing me a couple of days ago about my shrinking chest... he noticed that dropped food now hit my lap instead of my boobs. There ya go hon, the girls are still there ;)

Silence on the Net

It's very rare that I go for this long without penning something... I guess life has just taken precedence this week.

This week has been a strange combination of apathy and trying to get ready for a new job. Without the official offer for a job that I start on Monday I feel a little vulnerable. It's an odd situation but one that will hopefully pay big time. We should know tomorrow. I hope to be celebrating tomorrow night.

I think I'm nearly ready for work. I have a new bank account set up, I have shoes (this was my biggest concern), I have clothes to get me through the first little while, I have been working diligently on Ms 8 to manage her expectations regarding the level of expected travel and I have been working on the boys regarding their need to step up. The latter is not progressing so well.

Mr 16 is causing more than his fair share of grey hairs. No he's not into anything overly stupid, well, not that we've caught him at yet. He's a liar. A constant habitual liar. Yesterday he got caught out at something that would have cost him a week of electronics. Enough to make the point about willfully disobeying a request. When caught out he blatantly lied. I gave him no fewer than 3 occasions to come clean on his own right. Nada. On top of all that he tried to enlist Mr 14 to cover for him. What Mr 16 doesn't realize is that we had siblings too. I expected this and was ready for them. No only has he now lost his beloved electronics until the end of this semester, he has totally blown away the few shreds of trust that I had left in him. He doesn't get. It's only a few lies came flowing from his mouth. No my son, it's not only a few lies. It's a message that you have no respect for yourself, your parents or your siblings. It's a message that we should not believe anything that you say because lying has become so ingrained for you that you cannot tell the difference any more. It's a message to say that you are not mature enough yet for the responsibilities, and privileges, that comes with being 16. A few little lies say so much.

Just in case you were wondering. I have a real problem with lying.

On a more on topic rant, my weight continues to fluctuate up and down around the 220lbs mark. Today 222. My rant is not that this DS is not working. I wouldn't dare. My rant is about myself. I am having a horrible couple of weeks. I am making bad choices. I am not getting in enough fluids and I'm pretty sure I'm not getting in enough protein. My first choice of foods this week is salty and spicy. It's the quick fix crunch factor. Quick fix is rarely low carb or high protein. Arrgghhh.

I'm hoping it's stress related. I'm hoping it's menstrual related. I'm hoping this too shall pass. But I tell ya, this is hard. This is the closest I've got to feeling the "diet" mentality. That overwhelming, OMG I'm screwing up feeling. The difference is that I'm not saying "well piss on it then" and then proceeding to really and truly ensure that I screw up. No but it's hard to banish the wonderful tasty convenient carbs. And therein lies the answer. Convenience. With me going back to work I need to put some thought into making it convenient to eat right. In my carb induced fog, this is the thing that is coming through the haze.

The joy of writing

I write when I am happy, I write when I'm sad, I write. I write to add substance to my thoughts. I write to relieve stress. I write.

Today my daughter did the same thing. Disappointed in her brother she came up to her room and wrote. Wrote about her feelings. Wrote to her friend "diary" about the things going on her world. Wrote about her loneliness (she let me read what she had written). Wrote about her best friend, Angel, wrote about how she would like to get a dog of her own (she is asking Santa for one...gulp... Santa has never let her down before... I'm not sure Santa can pull this one off) She wrote about her Webkins friends. She wrote.

My heart broke reading her words. She is so lonely. The boys just shut her down. They won't do what she would like to without an argument. She never hears "yes, I'd love to". She hears "maybe", "later", "no I really don't like that". It takes all the joy out of it, even when I offer to do what she wants to do. I just want to hold her close and protect her from the world. But I can't. And so I come here to write.

And just when you thought you had turned a corner

Mr 14 proves you wrong. No, he really has not moved past the horrifically lazy stage. No he has not moved past the shirking responsibility stage. No he is not yet ready to give up the three year old tantrum technique.

Sigh... I really thought that he had turned a corner. The last year hasn't been bad and as a result we opened up a lot more liberties to him to try and reinforce the fact that good behaviour = good things. I'm pissed that we were so wrong.

The issue at hand? Mr 14 wanted to play football. Despite never played before and despite weighing less than a 100lbs wet we decided to let him follow his "dream". This was in part influenced by the fact that he had some hangups about not having been allowed to play hockey as a youngster (long story - spread across two homes and a mom not willing to drive him at 5am... she made it difficult for us to support it). Anyway, now that he's with us full time we wanted to give him the chance.

The season is all of eight weeks long. 2 practices and 1 game per week.

Last night he had not finished his homework (homework he had had for three days and did not adequately plan for...again). He did not want to have to finish it after football practice. It would have taken at most an hour. He got the speech about his responsibility to the team, was made to get changed and into the car we got. He bitched the whole way there. Then the balloons started coming out.

Balloons are those things that come out of thin air and are designed to draw a parent into an argument that really has nothing to do with the situation at hand. It's a classic technique with him. As is sitting in the car and refusing to get out. So we gave him the option. You get out and practice or you're done. Not only are you done but you will be repaying the entire cost of signup as well as your cleats. You will also go and hand your jersey into the coach and explain why you are pulling out.

We are big on responsibility and three year old tantrums are not an effective way to shirk yours.

So he's done. He owes us $400 which essentially means no pocket money until next year. Are we being hard? Yes. The soft techniques have not worked. It's time for him to realize that his actions and choices have consequences.

The homework took 45minutes. All that stupidity, arguing, tears for 45 minutes of work. I could have wrung his scrawny little neck. This is the same child that will need to watch Ms 8 in the afternoon after school when I go back to work. Yeah... gives you the warm and fuzzies doesn't it. NOT.

October 15 is the day I start work

Yes. I have a job. But no offer yet. And not sure which job but I have a job.

Yeah - I know how that sounds. Perhaps an explanation is required

My boss-to-be took over training, quality and customer experience at about the time I started interviewing in August. She has been planning a restructure to move some of her existing folks into roles that better fit their skills sets and having me come along has allowed her to cement that. My interviews with the powers that be have also helped build this perception

There is someone in the Director of X role that they want to move into the Director of Y role that they initially offered me. They plan to do this on Wednesday of next week when that person is back in the office. If it all goes to plan they will have a firm offer on the table on Thursday of next week. She believes that this change will happen but if it does not (current incumbent absolutely refuses to move... she doesn't believe that this will happen but she needs to allow for it) then they will offer me the Director of Y role. They want me in the organization. She was very aware of the stress that this uncertainty was creating and was very appreciative of the fact that I am willing to let them make the moves they need to because of the sensitivities involved

Either way:

Start date: October 15
Salary: If the Director of X - it will be a higher salary than originally offered since it is a higher position in the company; if it is the Director of Y it stays as it was originally offered.

On October 22nd they are opening a new site in Chelmsford Mass. Boss has asked if I could be there for part of that week. It's a chance for me to meet everyone that I will be working with.

Overall: Although I don't have anything in writing yet I feel very comfortable as a result of todays discussion. The Executive HR Director gave her the ok to share this much with me because they both felt I needed to better understand what was going on in a bid to remove some of the uncertainty. She also encouraged me to reach out to my previous boss who now works for this company if I had any concerns or wanted to verify that their intentions are honourable. I don't need to do that.

I hope hubby can live with this. I know it's hard for him. My gut tells me that my patience will pay off.

Do not do this at home

As a public service to all Dsers everywhere (can you feel the BS coming on?) I like to experiment with foods every now and then just so I can share the outcome.

Caramel candies are not a DSers best friend. Despite the creamy soft caramel flavour that just melts in your mouth and lulls you into a false sense of bliss, it should be known that excessive sugar is evil. Really evil.

I am paying dearly for this episode of public service. I may have been ok with one or two candies but one or two handfuls are just a few too many apparently. What can I say... I don't yet have my stress/eat urges totally under control yet. I'm working on it. Today my body is working on me. My insides actually hurt - the bowel has been doing triple overtime. Nice. Too much information I know, but an unscientific experiment would not be complete without a discussion of the outcome. Or output as it would be in my case. Oh brother I need to get my head into shape!

On a more serious note - the last 24 hours have been rough. The unknown is causing both hubby and I great stress. Last night as we were both lying in bed dealing with our own thoughts you could have cut the air because the tension was so thick between us. We're ok for now but it has been very stressful. We both need resolution.

The scale this morning: 218lbs. Not sure how real this is. See above for caramel candy impact

Job Update...Still Waiting...aka...Arrrggghhhh

I hate waiting. You may have noticed a recurring theme of impatience throughout my blog.

I spoke with the company on Friday. The offer (original offer) still stands but she needed a couple of days to reorganize before my final position was clear. That means tomorrow. I hope it's tomorrow. I feel like a wet noodle...

Leadership

As a leader in the business world it is very easy to fall back on the behaviours that are most comfortable to you. But that doesn't necessarily mean that you are doing what's right. Being a leader is a difficult thing. We are all leaders to some degree. We are parents. We are friends. We are coaches. We are leaders of groups such as the WLS Support Group I attended on Sunday.

As leaders we tend to celebrate those that are most like us. These are the people that we best support and encourage because these are the people we understand the best. The challenge for a "good leader" is to bring the diversity of our "group" together so that everyone benefits and has the chance to grow and develop.

While on the lines of the unemployed I have had the rare opportunity to sit back and observe the world around me. I have the opportunity to watch leaders, good and bad, do their thing. It's allowed me to reflect on what I want to do in my next role that would make me a better leader.

Things that have spoken very strongly to me include

1. remain neutral. Your choices are not necessarily the right ones and in no way should your choices be used to sway others. Your job as a leader is to impart information and options. Decision need to be made by those that you are leading. That's how you get buy in. That's how you create a safe environment for everyone no matter what their choices. If there are no real choices you explain why and move on. At times a leader does need to make a decision that will impact their team without their input. That's ok. But remain neutral.

2. your credibility is all you have. If you are seen as favouring any one person, any one idea, any one anything and it is perceived that you receive benefit from this favouritism then you have nothing. People will not trust you. People will not hear your message no matter how good that message may be. You have lost the one thing that will allow you to be a good leader.

3. be honest. This builds on the last point. Disclose where you need to disclose. If people feel that you are being honest with them then they will follow you when you need them. They will much more likely support what you are trying to achieve than if they feel they are being taken for a ride. This is one reason why people who work on a commission, or kickback, basis have such a hard time establishing and maintaining credibility. It is one thing if I follow your advice if I know that you are receiving something in return for a favourable decision on my part, it is a whole other thing if I find out after my decision that you have benefited from "helping me". I'm going to feel like I've been sold.

4. Celebrate all successes equally. Ensure that every one who deserves recognition is acknowledged

5. Talk less than you listen. If you are so busy sharing your own thoughts, experiences and opinions then you are not truly listening to the people who matter most - your team

6. Draw on the experiences/skills within the team. If there is someone that is better skilled at something that you, give them the opportunity to shine. For example, speaking in a group is a very difficult thing. Some people thrive. Some people choke. If you are a choker then draw on someone elses skills to deliver the message. By sharing the spot light you are giving someone else the opportunity to shine but more importantly you are ensuring that the message is delivered in the most effective way possible.

It's all common sense but it's amazing to me how many people do not conciously think about the impact that they are having as leaders. As a leader you have position power. Some people will listen to what you have to say just because of the title you have. True leadership is saying what is right and true and then letting those that "follow" you make the decisions that are best for them, for the team or the company (dependent on what the situation may be). Not the decision that is necessarily best for YOU.

The $305 Chicken

Let me say up front that Costco is a guaranteed bank account draining organization. My intent this morning was to pick up a BBQ chicken. Cost $7.99. My expectation was that I would in all likely walk out with about $100 worth of goods. This seems to be about the average when I go to buy just one thing. My reality was $305.

The main culprit this time... clothes. Now that I can buy off the rack, or as in Costco's case off the table, it is simply too tempting. Mind you I need clothes. My booty today included two cord blazers (19.99 each!), a bunch of shirts, sweaters and PJ's. The PJ's were long over due. I was still wearing the same nightshirt that I wore immediately after surgery. To say that it's a little big is an understatement. It was a time to retire it in favour for something more fitted. Add in some Christmas decorations (I am such a sucker for Christmas), DVD's and meat and you have $300 spent.

I am going to really enjoy that chicken.

Weight Update

219.4lbs. See what I mean about timing. Yesterday I would have been cheering.

Oh well... let the downward slide continue.