241.2

Not the reason I am back, although perhaps it should be, but more a sign that I am ready to deal with life again. My life.

Today I stood on the scale. Today I cared enough to do so. Yesterday I ate like a DSer should do. It felt good. I feel good. It's been one hell of a ride.

So where the heck have I been? I don't know how to fully explain it other than to say that I needed to just get through life. I didn't want to look too deeply.

Mum's death has had an incredible impact and I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. I gave myself permission to do that so I could continue to deal with work, with teenagers, with a husband and with myself. By not dealing with it I didn't have to delve into the incredibly painful emotions. But what I also discovered is that by not dealing with it, the fragile coping mechanisms I had been building up as life of a post op DSer crumbled. They couldn't withstand the profound sense of loss that I was trying to bury and I reverted to the old and true. Stupid. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I have been making poor choices for nearly 9 months. My weight reflects that but more importantly my mood reflected that. I have forgotten how to laugh. I was afraid to let joy in. Wow... this is the first time I have articulated this. The power of the blog.

I have missed my writing terribly but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Seeing the words was just too..,naked. I tried. I wrote drafts and then never posted. I wrote a couple of emails that never made the cut and paste. I wasn't able to share largely because it countered my need to bury. While it served it's purpose I think there's been a heavy price. My health is obviously one. I didn't feel good eating the way I was and yet I continued to do so. My family. I have not been able to give freely of myself and that has had an obvious impact. This really came out at Christmas time when hubby struggled with what to get me. He didn't know who I was anymore were the words. I didn't blame him. I think I lost myself for a while there.

So am I back for real? I hope so. I want to focus on my health and I am hopeful that the weightloss will start again.

I am 2 years 3 months post surgery. This will be an exercise to see if the wonderful tool called the Duodenal Switch still works. I have no doubt that it is thanks to the DS that I didn't post much higher numbers in the title line. The question is now that my stomach has stretched back to normal (resulting in little or no restriction) will the malabsorption serve me if I do the right things?

I will track my progress along with what I am doing to make it work/fail. Not only will it allow me to take some accountability but maybe it will serve to help another DSer who has fallen off the tracks. I fell and I fell hard but I do not feel broken, and with that I feel ready to pick myself up and dust myself off.

Wish me luck.