Blech!
Kinda describes how I feel right now. I'm having one of those melancholy days where nothing feels quite right.
I've heard nothing back from my interview. Given that they were hoping to have all this wrapped up by the end of July I can either take it as me not making the cut or that the time line is slipping. Either way I know nothing at this stage which is kind of depressing in it's own right.
My mum. Mum's latest test has shown that her cancer counts have bounced back up. Last month on the CT scan the doctor saw something a little different but couldn't quite make out what it was. There is a good chance that these two things are related and what that means is that things are changing. Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 22 months ago so she's done really well to have made it this far with a good quality of life and no pain. She's responded very well to the ongoing chemotherapy. But I think that has lured us all into a false sense of security. The reality is that she will die from this disease. It's a matter of when.
I would very much like to go see my mother again. My plan was to line up a job and then take the opportunity to use some of the remaining severance package to go and see her. Job aside, I would have liked to take Ms 8. She has a special attachment to my parents. More importantly I can not bring myself to leave her behind for three or four weeks. With the way that the three siblings are getting along it would mean a miserable time for all. Hubby would be stretched looking after them simply because work is really demanding. End result. Grumpy Dad. Miserable kids. Miserable me. Knowing that this was all going on I would simply not be able to enjoy my time in Australia.
Hubby will not hear of me taking Ms 8 and not taking the boys. In fact he feels the boys should go before her because they have not had the opportunity. I do not want to take them. This is not a "see Australia" trip. Ms 8 can be entertained by going for walks with Opa, swimming in the pool with the oldies, playing in a playground. The boys cannot. They would be bored out of their minds. Paying $5000 for them to be bored and consequently miserable doesn't seem to be a great use of money.
Hubby rightfully doesn't want the boys to feel that Ms 8 was getting all the opportunities. I agree with him. What I don't agree with is that them going makes sense. I also cannot bring myself to leave Ms 8 with them for any period of time. Which means that I will not go. Job or no job. I have to find a way to accept that I will not see my mother again. I had accepted that 21 months ago when we said our good byes. Today I am struggling with it. I am torn between my love for my child and my mother. In my head I know my child needs me more and my family will be better off financially. In my heart I hurt.
The kids are getting on my nerves. My hat goes off to stay at home Mom's... I don't know how you do it and preserve your sanity. Ms 8 needs a swift attitude realignment. She is becoming a little too lippy for my liking. She sounds exactly like her brothers and I can tell you now that I do not need to be dealing with 3 teenage like attitudes. She and I will be having a chat this weekend. She knows it's on the way. I think she was happy to go to camp today.
The boys are incredibly self centred. I know it's normal but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I guess I'm just tired. Nothing happens unless I do it or force it to be done. Nothing is voluntary. There are no thank you's. There are no moments of feeling like putting yourself out is worthwhile. I'm feeling frustrated and resentful. I don't want to feel like this.
And then finally there is the weight. This morning it was 235.8. This means I've lost 1lb in 20 days. This does nothing to help me feel better about life in general. In fact it just plain sucks. There's no way to put a positive spin on this one.
So I'm feeling blah and now you all know it...lol. Something about misery enjoying company I'm sure.
Sigh...maybe I just need a good old fashioned cry and get it out of my system. Problem is I don't do that well for myself. I should see if there is a sob story playing on TV...maybe that will help.
Time to move on...life beckons...ie children demanding to be fed. Nothing we have appeals...blah blah blah
I've heard nothing back from my interview. Given that they were hoping to have all this wrapped up by the end of July I can either take it as me not making the cut or that the time line is slipping. Either way I know nothing at this stage which is kind of depressing in it's own right.
My mum. Mum's latest test has shown that her cancer counts have bounced back up. Last month on the CT scan the doctor saw something a little different but couldn't quite make out what it was. There is a good chance that these two things are related and what that means is that things are changing. Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer 22 months ago so she's done really well to have made it this far with a good quality of life and no pain. She's responded very well to the ongoing chemotherapy. But I think that has lured us all into a false sense of security. The reality is that she will die from this disease. It's a matter of when.
I would very much like to go see my mother again. My plan was to line up a job and then take the opportunity to use some of the remaining severance package to go and see her. Job aside, I would have liked to take Ms 8. She has a special attachment to my parents. More importantly I can not bring myself to leave her behind for three or four weeks. With the way that the three siblings are getting along it would mean a miserable time for all. Hubby would be stretched looking after them simply because work is really demanding. End result. Grumpy Dad. Miserable kids. Miserable me. Knowing that this was all going on I would simply not be able to enjoy my time in Australia.
Hubby will not hear of me taking Ms 8 and not taking the boys. In fact he feels the boys should go before her because they have not had the opportunity. I do not want to take them. This is not a "see Australia" trip. Ms 8 can be entertained by going for walks with Opa, swimming in the pool with the oldies, playing in a playground. The boys cannot. They would be bored out of their minds. Paying $5000 for them to be bored and consequently miserable doesn't seem to be a great use of money.
Hubby rightfully doesn't want the boys to feel that Ms 8 was getting all the opportunities. I agree with him. What I don't agree with is that them going makes sense. I also cannot bring myself to leave Ms 8 with them for any period of time. Which means that I will not go. Job or no job. I have to find a way to accept that I will not see my mother again. I had accepted that 21 months ago when we said our good byes. Today I am struggling with it. I am torn between my love for my child and my mother. In my head I know my child needs me more and my family will be better off financially. In my heart I hurt.
The kids are getting on my nerves. My hat goes off to stay at home Mom's... I don't know how you do it and preserve your sanity. Ms 8 needs a swift attitude realignment. She is becoming a little too lippy for my liking. She sounds exactly like her brothers and I can tell you now that I do not need to be dealing with 3 teenage like attitudes. She and I will be having a chat this weekend. She knows it's on the way. I think she was happy to go to camp today.
The boys are incredibly self centred. I know it's normal but that doesn't mean I have to like it. I guess I'm just tired. Nothing happens unless I do it or force it to be done. Nothing is voluntary. There are no thank you's. There are no moments of feeling like putting yourself out is worthwhile. I'm feeling frustrated and resentful. I don't want to feel like this.
And then finally there is the weight. This morning it was 235.8. This means I've lost 1lb in 20 days. This does nothing to help me feel better about life in general. In fact it just plain sucks. There's no way to put a positive spin on this one.
So I'm feeling blah and now you all know it...lol. Something about misery enjoying company I'm sure.
Sigh...maybe I just need a good old fashioned cry and get it out of my system. Problem is I don't do that well for myself. I should see if there is a sob story playing on TV...maybe that will help.
Time to move on...life beckons...ie children demanding to be fed. Nothing we have appeals...blah blah blah
posted by Aussieabroad at
1:13 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
Subscribe to Post Comments [Atom]
<< Home