Feelings
As I sat reading some of the posts in my blog last week I realized that several of my posts were angry ones. Me expressing anger or frustration with things that were impacting my life. Me expressing anger with my children.
The realization was an eye-opener. I have never been an angry person. I am your typical laid back Australian. I have great capacity to compartmentalize each aspect of my life so that in stressful times I am usually able to deal with one stressor at a time.
So I thought. The self realization hit me… what if I was simply pushing the anger to one side with food. Food made me feel better. What if I was simply not dealing with the feelings… what if I was using food to numb those angry frustrated thoughts?
Now the food is gone. Instead I am giving voice to my frustrations in a way that I have never done so before. This blog certainly gives me an avenue to provide substance to my anger and frustration. I’ve never had that before. I’ve never felt comfortable sharing this sort of emotion.
Even now I second guess myself after I’ve posted an entry. I’ve never deleted any of them though because this blog was designed to be a place I could come to record my journey and this is all part of my journey. All of it. The emotions that I may not have dealt with as I was experiencing illness in my family, stupidity at work, lack of communication in my marriage all impacted my relationship with food. I do not blame any of these factors but they certainly influenced my choices, as I chose to self medicate with food.
Expressing these feelings now is not necessarily a bad thing – I feel like I’m actually starting to make progress but it’s been an adjustment for my loved ones. What a shock for them – now they get to hear about things whereas before all was quiet and happy. I’m sure they have no idea what hit them.
Am I an angry person? I don’t think so. I do believe that I am a person with emotions that are fighting to be validated now that the calorie induced fog is gone. I tell ya, this DS journey is quite the ‘head’ ride. I’m thinking that I still have many more loops to go before this ride is ready to pull into the station.
The realization was an eye-opener. I have never been an angry person. I am your typical laid back Australian. I have great capacity to compartmentalize each aspect of my life so that in stressful times I am usually able to deal with one stressor at a time.
So I thought. The self realization hit me… what if I was simply pushing the anger to one side with food. Food made me feel better. What if I was simply not dealing with the feelings… what if I was using food to numb those angry frustrated thoughts?
Now the food is gone. Instead I am giving voice to my frustrations in a way that I have never done so before. This blog certainly gives me an avenue to provide substance to my anger and frustration. I’ve never had that before. I’ve never felt comfortable sharing this sort of emotion.
Even now I second guess myself after I’ve posted an entry. I’ve never deleted any of them though because this blog was designed to be a place I could come to record my journey and this is all part of my journey. All of it. The emotions that I may not have dealt with as I was experiencing illness in my family, stupidity at work, lack of communication in my marriage all impacted my relationship with food. I do not blame any of these factors but they certainly influenced my choices, as I chose to self medicate with food.
Expressing these feelings now is not necessarily a bad thing – I feel like I’m actually starting to make progress but it’s been an adjustment for my loved ones. What a shock for them – now they get to hear about things whereas before all was quiet and happy. I’m sure they have no idea what hit them.
Am I an angry person? I don’t think so. I do believe that I am a person with emotions that are fighting to be validated now that the calorie induced fog is gone. I tell ya, this DS journey is quite the ‘head’ ride. I’m thinking that I still have many more loops to go before this ride is ready to pull into the station.
posted by Aussieabroad at
11:25 AM
3 Comments:
No, you are not an "angry" person. You have probably always been very accepting of bad behaviour, frustration, etc., turning instead to food. I've done it. Writing helps a lot - that is why I do it! It's either that or go postal on someone! (not really but when I grew up, girls did not get angry!) If they could see me now!
Dianne
By
Anonymous, At
10:44 PM
The food enduced "fog" is such an accurate description. It's ok to be angry and express feelings. Much healthier than the prior alternative. The lifting of the fog and the weight makes everything easier - making lunches in the morning, dealing with homework, even laundry, eventually! You'll get there!
By
hrb, At
5:00 PM
Definitely!
I realized post-op that it's not called "comfort food" for nothing. It felt like going through puberty all over again only this time with wrinkles.
Some days I think I'll struggle forever with how to deal with emotions without my favorite sugar drug.
We used it for comfort because it worked.
By
Anonymous, At
5:32 PM
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