Out of Control
In the past when I was out of control with my food or eating I would simply go into denial. If I didn't weigh myself then I wouldn't know how bad it was, and if I didn't know how bad it was then I couldn't do anything about it...right?
Yesterday we went to my sister-in-law's for Easter dinner. I got lots of compliments which I managed to say 'thank you' to and then promptly add "but I have a long way to go". I can not accept compliments to save myself. It's like I have to be ready to cut myself down before someone else gets the chance. It could be the good 'ole Australian way (ask me about the tall poppy syndrome some day) but I think it is equally related to a real lack of self confidence. To a deep fear that now that people are noticing the weight loss that they have expectations for further success that I simply may not be able to live up to. Ain't I a grand subject for head shrinks the world over.
Anyway, so how did I deal with the whole situation of renewed focus and attention... I ate desert. Not simply a taste or a few mouthfuls but lots of it. It was sugary and floury. I expected to pay severely, especially given my toileting issues, but nothing. No gut wrenching pain, no mad dashes to the loo, nothing, nada, oh no... I need consequences.
Consequences came in the way of the scale... I was up a couple of pounds. Did that make me pause. No it made me eat easter eggs... lots of them... all day. Once again, no reaction. Holy crap - this is so freaking dangerous.
I pulled my head in later today - nothing but protein going in now but it really freaked me out. As much as I hate the bowel wrenching reaction, I would prefer it to having to rely on my good judgment to make the right choices. We know where judgment got me before... it got me to 350lbs that's where it got me.
There's so much going on here...so many questions. Why did I choose to eat that way? Am I really so afraid of failure that I would rather not set myself up for success (mental note to self...make appointment with a shrink)? I really think that I'm scared of success. I'm not good at attention. I'm not good at opening myself up to being vulnerable. How on earth do you deal with this one?
I want to be healthy. I love the fact that I can now walk around the block and not breath any heavier than I normally do. I felt nothing but the cold wind on my face. Way cool. I want to continue feeling the thrill of seeing the numbers drop. But I am scared of how people perceive me. As a morbidly obese person they didn't expect much (fat people are limited in their abilities didn't you know) but now as a shrinking obese person people seem to be seeing me... and I'm afraid that I won't measure up. It feels weird to write because I always come across as a self confident... but I don't feel confident any more.
So my last two days have been very pleasant from a pure taste perspective but incredibly frightening from a long term success perspective. I am afraid.
Yesterday we went to my sister-in-law's for Easter dinner. I got lots of compliments which I managed to say 'thank you' to and then promptly add "but I have a long way to go". I can not accept compliments to save myself. It's like I have to be ready to cut myself down before someone else gets the chance. It could be the good 'ole Australian way (ask me about the tall poppy syndrome some day) but I think it is equally related to a real lack of self confidence. To a deep fear that now that people are noticing the weight loss that they have expectations for further success that I simply may not be able to live up to. Ain't I a grand subject for head shrinks the world over.
Anyway, so how did I deal with the whole situation of renewed focus and attention... I ate desert. Not simply a taste or a few mouthfuls but lots of it. It was sugary and floury. I expected to pay severely, especially given my toileting issues, but nothing. No gut wrenching pain, no mad dashes to the loo, nothing, nada, oh no... I need consequences.
Consequences came in the way of the scale... I was up a couple of pounds. Did that make me pause. No it made me eat easter eggs... lots of them... all day. Once again, no reaction. Holy crap - this is so freaking dangerous.
I pulled my head in later today - nothing but protein going in now but it really freaked me out. As much as I hate the bowel wrenching reaction, I would prefer it to having to rely on my good judgment to make the right choices. We know where judgment got me before... it got me to 350lbs that's where it got me.
There's so much going on here...so many questions. Why did I choose to eat that way? Am I really so afraid of failure that I would rather not set myself up for success (mental note to self...make appointment with a shrink)? I really think that I'm scared of success. I'm not good at attention. I'm not good at opening myself up to being vulnerable. How on earth do you deal with this one?
I want to be healthy. I love the fact that I can now walk around the block and not breath any heavier than I normally do. I felt nothing but the cold wind on my face. Way cool. I want to continue feeling the thrill of seeing the numbers drop. But I am scared of how people perceive me. As a morbidly obese person they didn't expect much (fat people are limited in their abilities didn't you know) but now as a shrinking obese person people seem to be seeing me... and I'm afraid that I won't measure up. It feels weird to write because I always come across as a self confident... but I don't feel confident any more.
So my last two days have been very pleasant from a pure taste perspective but incredibly frightening from a long term success perspective. I am afraid.
posted by Aussieabroad at
9:14 PM
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