Broken Pieces
I'm sitting here with the broken pieces of my vacation around me.
Last night hubby announced that he was not coming with us. He needs to stay home to destress - he can not do that with the family around. I'm to take the kids to Ohio by myself.
Talk about grabbing my heart and wrenching it from it's moorings. I had so been looking forward to getting away but I didn't realize that he did not feel the same way. Work has been nothing short of hellish for him. I knew he was stressed. What has tipped him over the edge is the constant bickering between the kids. They do not even attempt to get along. They go out of their way to antagonize each other. It is not peaceful and the current environment in no way allows for destressing.
On so many levels I understand where he is coming from. I have wanted to hide away myself. God knows I'm bitched about the issues enough here. Taking yourself out of the situation seems a logical solution. What irks me is that he... we have worked hard for this for a year. Their behaviour, his loss. It's just not right.
On a very selfish level I am going to miss him. I enjoy his company and at the end of the day when the kids have gone to bed, I really enjoy just winding down with him. Sharing some time together. Now I won't be able to do that. Instead I become the single parent of three kids who don't much like each other. The boys will be off doing their thing and I'll be with Ms 8. For the first time in 10 years, since we were last in Cedar Point, I am small enough to ride the coasters without the fear of not fitting or being ejected from the ride mid loop. I won't be able to share the thrill with hubby now. This is a love we share together. Realistically I won't do it all. I can't leave Ms 8 with her brothers. I can't leave her alone.
So I am not looking forward to this on any level. I am doing it however because I need for hubby to have this time and space. I need for him to find a level of peace. My greatest fear is that when we come back he'll have decided that he likes being alone... I am truly afraid of that. Our marriage has had it's shares of ups and downs over the years but what I have come to realize is that I really love this guy. Over the past 9 months as I've gone through this transforming journey he has been nothing short of phenomenal - I have fallen in love with him again.
I wish I knew how to make this better for him but I do not.
We told the kids a few hours ago. Ms 8 was devastated. The notion of a family vacation is very important to her. She see's her brothers spread thin between two households and despite the fact that they irk her no end, he loves them. Spending time together is important to her. The boys didn't say much at all. In fact Mr 13 said nothing. Mr 16 said something along the lines of "that sucks". Nothing more. I wonder how different the outcome would have been had they apologized and promised to make more of an effort. It may not have changed hubby's mind but it may have given him some hope that things could get better. Sigh...sometimes I feel so unqualified to be a grown up.
Last night hubby announced that he was not coming with us. He needs to stay home to destress - he can not do that with the family around. I'm to take the kids to Ohio by myself.
Talk about grabbing my heart and wrenching it from it's moorings. I had so been looking forward to getting away but I didn't realize that he did not feel the same way. Work has been nothing short of hellish for him. I knew he was stressed. What has tipped him over the edge is the constant bickering between the kids. They do not even attempt to get along. They go out of their way to antagonize each other. It is not peaceful and the current environment in no way allows for destressing.
On so many levels I understand where he is coming from. I have wanted to hide away myself. God knows I'm bitched about the issues enough here. Taking yourself out of the situation seems a logical solution. What irks me is that he... we have worked hard for this for a year. Their behaviour, his loss. It's just not right.
On a very selfish level I am going to miss him. I enjoy his company and at the end of the day when the kids have gone to bed, I really enjoy just winding down with him. Sharing some time together. Now I won't be able to do that. Instead I become the single parent of three kids who don't much like each other. The boys will be off doing their thing and I'll be with Ms 8. For the first time in 10 years, since we were last in Cedar Point, I am small enough to ride the coasters without the fear of not fitting or being ejected from the ride mid loop. I won't be able to share the thrill with hubby now. This is a love we share together. Realistically I won't do it all. I can't leave Ms 8 with her brothers. I can't leave her alone.
So I am not looking forward to this on any level. I am doing it however because I need for hubby to have this time and space. I need for him to find a level of peace. My greatest fear is that when we come back he'll have decided that he likes being alone... I am truly afraid of that. Our marriage has had it's shares of ups and downs over the years but what I have come to realize is that I really love this guy. Over the past 9 months as I've gone through this transforming journey he has been nothing short of phenomenal - I have fallen in love with him again.
I wish I knew how to make this better for him but I do not.
We told the kids a few hours ago. Ms 8 was devastated. The notion of a family vacation is very important to her. She see's her brothers spread thin between two households and despite the fact that they irk her no end, he loves them. Spending time together is important to her. The boys didn't say much at all. In fact Mr 13 said nothing. Mr 16 said something along the lines of "that sucks". Nothing more. I wonder how different the outcome would have been had they apologized and promised to make more of an effort. It may not have changed hubby's mind but it may have given him some hope that things could get better. Sigh...sometimes I feel so unqualified to be a grown up.
posted by Aussieabroad at
11:46 AM
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