So the Sh*t has hit the fan

A very dear friend of mine goofed. Really big. She made the mistake of hitting "reply all". Not a good plan when you have unpopular things to say. Not a good plan when the mailing list is 40+ people.

My friend is a person of principle. She strongly believes that there is a right way and a wrong way to go about things. Her peeve? Hidden lies or untold truths. Perceived or real. The group is run by a woman who is very passionate about helping people. I don't question that she wants to help as many people as possible reach their goals. The problem is that she is very heavily biased towards the gastric by pass surgery. She helps newbies with their insurance forms. They come prefilled with her surgeons name already put in.

As a leader you have such influence - if you are going to direct a group one way or the other then it is important to let people know why you are doing that. Is this your business? That's fine - just let people know. There is a perceived level of secrecy and that affects perceived integrity. My friend decided it was time to raise her concerns. An email that was intended for the leader went to the whole group.

What ensued, and I am very thankful that I was not privy to the original emails, is nothing short of amazing. Hate mail, threats of suing, he said she said. This all from a group that is based on support. I'm sure that if she had her rathers, that email would not have been so widely spread. I do have to say though, that I admire the courage it took to question it. It goes back to the issue I have with my step son...if you don't have your integrity you have nothing. If questioned use it as an opportunity to clear the air. Honesty. Disclosure. Openness. All good concepts.

Funnily enough this issue annoyed me less than the meeting announcement. With it came a stern warning not to bring your children. Ms 8 and my friends Ms 9 attended last week. For most of the 3 hour meeting they were outside. On occasion they came in. They would have preferred not to be there. It was a matter of necessity.

There was also a request not to eat during the meeting. This one I'm not sure how to deal with. I eat during the meeting. I usually bring my nuts because when I don't I get so hungry that I start to burp. Empty stomach = excessive burping for me. On a much deeper level I truly believe that developing a good relationship with food, be it yours or others, is not about denying it and it's not about hiding it. In my many failed dieting attempts I never expected anyone else to stop eating what they liked when they liked just so that I didn't have to deal with it. That's ludicrous. So as an extension of that, I should not have to feel guilty or bad because the people around me cannot or choose not to eat what I eat.

It's not easy running a meeting like this. It takes a lot of time, energy and dedication. It's hard to please a diverse group of people with a diverse set of needs. But the bottom line should be the question of support. Are we doing the right thing in supporting everyone when we place restrictions on the group that ultimately will affect their ability to participate?

I wish the group well. It is a source of comfort for many people and I hope it continues to be so. Me? Well I think it's time to move on. Not because of any one thing I've discussed here - more because I wasn't getting what I needed out of the meetings. It's a personal thing. The events of this week have just made it easier to walk away.

*E* for the record, and only because I know you read occasionally, I think you do an amazing job. You are a wealth of knowledge and support. You have the ability to remain very unbiased and I wanted you to know how truly unique that is in this emotional world of weight loss surgery. You would make an awesome trainer should you ever decide to make a career change... come see me if you do.