Regrets

Do you ever have regrets? I have few – the way I look at it is that from every dumb assed stupid thing you do, you learn something. You learn either not to do it again, you learn more about yourself or learn that perhaps a better strategy would have given you better results. That’s not to say that some of the consequences are not painful to deal with. They are. But there is still something to learn.

Over the weekend I was again reminded of a major regret that I have. I learned something from it, I would never do it again and I have since developed a million strategies that would have served me better at the time. Yet I still regret.

Ten years ago on the day I started my MBA I had one of those across the room connections with a fellow student. In one of our first classes we did a getting to know you exercise and when he raised his hand as being single, as did I, it suddenly created some possibilities.

Over the ensuing months as we got to know each other our connection deepened. We clicked.

At the time this was all happening I was desperately seeking fulltime work after having made the decision to move to Canada permanently. It was a tough search. Even with all of my experience, and despite having worked in Canada for a year, all of a sudden a Canadian background became the most important factor. As the year went on (I started my MBA in January) I was facing the very real possibility of admitting defeat and going back to Australia. Australians travel. A lot. They travel for up to a year and then go home to grow up. My year was fast approaching. During this time this guy was always there for me. He was supportive when I was down, he would remind me of what I had to offer; he was there for me when I was at my most vulnerable. I was falling in love. Or so I thought. I don’t know. At the time it felt real.

Sometime during the year, and I can’t remember exactly when, I found out he was married. I backed off. But one day in a moment of weakness and vulnerability I slept with him. I violated someone else’s marriage. A thing I would never do to my own. A thing I would never have imagined I would do to someone else. But I did.

It was short. It was stupid. I ended it at the same time I met my husband. I did not want to enter into a one relationship when another was still going. Hypocritical I know, but there you have it. I did not want to continue to live a lie. Although this guy was there when I needed someone, I never tried to justify it as being right. I never will.

On our second date I told my husband the story. I do not regret the honesty but I sometimes regret the fall out. My husband has over the years brought this up…usually in a discussion that started with an off the cuff comment about when I go to hell… cause that’s where I’m going right? He feels I should have should have told the wife what I had done and apologized. I didn’t. I don’t know why. I thought it was because it would hurt her more than it would help her. But who knows, maybe I was just scared for me. I can’t remember the logic that went into it but the bottom line is that I didn’t.

This weekend I found out that my husband sees this as a character flaw, as does he the initial transgression. He sees this as unredeemable. Ever.

I see it as a mistake. A huge stupid mistake that could have ruined someone’s life. I was so caught up in my own feelings and needs that I didn’t think about hers. I am not proud of this at all. I wonder if that is why, now, I often do for myself last… hmmm… that’s another head case post!

But what this leaves me with is that I am in a relationship with a man who cannot forgive me for something I did before we met. I sometimes wish he had decided at the time that this was not something he could live with. He did not and every now and then it comes up. Like it did this weekend. And each time he hurts me in a way that I don’t have the words to explain. It’s like he’s exacting punishment on her behalf.

I am truly sorry for what I did. I try to live my life as a good person, to be a net positive contributor to society. I am glad my husband didn’t end it way back then because then I wouldn’t have my daughter in my life. I wouldn’t have had met his sons (and as much as the teenage years drive me batty I am really glad they entered my life). I wouldn’t have had the opportunity to build a life with someone who was passionate, intelligent and funny. But I also know that I will never be free of this transgression. I don’t know how to make it better. I wish I did.

So there you have it, my one dark secret out in the open for all to see. I am flawed. Not only in body but also in character.