Teenage Motivation
How do you motivate a teenager to excel? How do you motivate them to just do? How do you motivate them to care enough about their life's journey to positively affect their behaviour? If you have the answer to any of these questions then I want to hear from you!
Our middle child is 13 years old. Last year was the school year from hell. Projects happened only after hours of arguing, lots of tears and then resignation. When finally done, the work wasn't half bad. He was pleased with himself. We were drained. He got to know the principal very well. In fact he had lunch with him every day for 2 months straight. The principal called to tell us he couldn't figure this kid out - he wasn't able to make a connection. This had never happened to him before. Twice I drove him to school and he refused to get out of the car. Both times it took me over an hour to get him out and into class. Both times I strongly wished that corporal punishment had not been banned.
We tried positive motivation using things he valued. We tried negative motivation that focussed on consequences. We actually teamed up with his mom who was all in favour of a united front (holy crap batman). We tried everything. We even went to see a child counseller. He sent us away after four sessions saying he couldn't help - the kid clearly didn't want to be helped. He'd say all the right things, make all the right committments and then do squat. Oppositional was a word used.
During the summer he was better but my husband could not let himself trust his son again. Emotionally it was not a pleasant time for me. I had faith. He was a child in need of guidance and support. I went to bat for him several times and as a result he is still in our home. Then comes this school year. It is very clear to my husband that my faith is sorely misguided.
In the four weeks of school we have seen the following
1. 6 incomplete assignments in Geography
2. a Geography test result of 4/16
3. The musical instrument which is meant to come home 3 times a week has never crossed our thresh hold
4. in doing a reading project and needing to make notes on each chapter - he pulls five lines from the chapter (ususally in the middle) and then doesn't read the rest.
5. An improvement in his approach to math (yes there is a little ray of light)
And the overall theme is that this kid doesn't care. He's lazy. How do you motivate someone like that? We have put him on notice that one more incomplete and he loses the week long trip to Montreal for the Canadian Jamboree. His response - "well you may as well take it away now. Everyone gets an incomplete every now and then, it will happen again." He doesn't accept that his actions are within his control. He CAN choose to do his homework. That's all it would take. We are not looking for A's, we are looking for effort. Is that unreasonable?
Next year he goes into highschool. No one is going to give two hoots if he does his work. His teachers will be far less accessible. I am so scared for him. For his future.
It's not that long ago that I was a teenager (well maybe a little longer than I care to admit). I just don't remember being like this. I don't remember my peers being like this. What's changed in a generation that we have such an uncaring, self absorbed generation of kids? Are they all like this? I hope not. I truly hope that we are being punished for evil things done in a previous life - and he is our punishment but I'm not so sure. I see signs of this in his friends, I see glimpses of it in our 15 year old and you see it in the news everyday when another teenager has lost all semblance of caring and taken someones life.
How do you motivate a kid to not end up in that place where they have given up hope, given up on themselves and forever ruin their own future, or worse someone elses?
If you have the answers, I want to hear from you.
Our middle child is 13 years old. Last year was the school year from hell. Projects happened only after hours of arguing, lots of tears and then resignation. When finally done, the work wasn't half bad. He was pleased with himself. We were drained. He got to know the principal very well. In fact he had lunch with him every day for 2 months straight. The principal called to tell us he couldn't figure this kid out - he wasn't able to make a connection. This had never happened to him before. Twice I drove him to school and he refused to get out of the car. Both times it took me over an hour to get him out and into class. Both times I strongly wished that corporal punishment had not been banned.
We tried positive motivation using things he valued. We tried negative motivation that focussed on consequences. We actually teamed up with his mom who was all in favour of a united front (holy crap batman). We tried everything. We even went to see a child counseller. He sent us away after four sessions saying he couldn't help - the kid clearly didn't want to be helped. He'd say all the right things, make all the right committments and then do squat. Oppositional was a word used.
During the summer he was better but my husband could not let himself trust his son again. Emotionally it was not a pleasant time for me. I had faith. He was a child in need of guidance and support. I went to bat for him several times and as a result he is still in our home. Then comes this school year. It is very clear to my husband that my faith is sorely misguided.
In the four weeks of school we have seen the following
1. 6 incomplete assignments in Geography
2. a Geography test result of 4/16
3. The musical instrument which is meant to come home 3 times a week has never crossed our thresh hold
4. in doing a reading project and needing to make notes on each chapter - he pulls five lines from the chapter (ususally in the middle) and then doesn't read the rest.
5. An improvement in his approach to math (yes there is a little ray of light)
And the overall theme is that this kid doesn't care. He's lazy. How do you motivate someone like that? We have put him on notice that one more incomplete and he loses the week long trip to Montreal for the Canadian Jamboree. His response - "well you may as well take it away now. Everyone gets an incomplete every now and then, it will happen again." He doesn't accept that his actions are within his control. He CAN choose to do his homework. That's all it would take. We are not looking for A's, we are looking for effort. Is that unreasonable?
Next year he goes into highschool. No one is going to give two hoots if he does his work. His teachers will be far less accessible. I am so scared for him. For his future.
It's not that long ago that I was a teenager (well maybe a little longer than I care to admit). I just don't remember being like this. I don't remember my peers being like this. What's changed in a generation that we have such an uncaring, self absorbed generation of kids? Are they all like this? I hope not. I truly hope that we are being punished for evil things done in a previous life - and he is our punishment but I'm not so sure. I see signs of this in his friends, I see glimpses of it in our 15 year old and you see it in the news everyday when another teenager has lost all semblance of caring and taken someones life.
How do you motivate a kid to not end up in that place where they have given up hope, given up on themselves and forever ruin their own future, or worse someone elses?
If you have the answers, I want to hear from you.
posted by Aussieabroad at
11:43 PM
5 Comments:
I can sympathize with you. I have a 18 year granddaughter with a baby who just has came into my home to live. She can not understand that you have to have goals. You have to take care of what you got, before you get more.
She is so lazy I cannot motivate her into anything. She acts as through she doesn't understand the words of honesty, modesty, trust, or integrity. She makes no effort to take care of the baby unless there is something else she doesn't want to do. She can't hear it cry at night, but she can hear her cell phone (day or night)
Also she is into the Black Grothic
syndrome. Friends seem to be the most important things to her. She can meet someone today and they immediately become her best friend. She never calls any of them by name, only my friends. In the last week she has wanted one friend she just met to come and spend the night. Then today she wanted to hang out tonight with another new friend. She always explains to me that they are just friend, no romatic relationship. I explain over and over again if someone has a girlfriend, they don't need another girl best friend. Her baby came from a "just friend" I am scared.
By
Anonymous, At
4:44 PM
Granted, kids aren't perfect, but neither are parents. I think it just takes a little bit of "tough love"...and in some kids' cases, a LOT of "tough love" to get the results parents are after. I know we all love our kids and we want what's best for them, and doing what's best sometimes requires a firm but loving "NO." Remember, YOU are the parent and you know what's in your children's best interest. Refuse to put up with their garbage! Don't allow your kids to manipulate you! Look into the "Love and Logic" program. There are books, articles, seminars, etc. that help parents have a better influence in their children's lives by using love and logic. http://www.loveandlogic.com/
As for your eighteen-year-old granddaughter, Anonymous, she's an adult and needs to start acting like one. If she doesn't know how to begin to act like one, perhaps she'd better start being TREATED like one. Give her choices, i.e., "You can either get up and feed your baby at night, or I can call child services and they can place the baby with a family that can better care for him/her." Yeah, it sounds harsh, but that may be what she needs to whip her into shape. Does she have any relatives who would be willing to take temporary custody of the child while your granddaughter works toward "growing up?" I don't think placing a child in foster care is anywhere near as bad as allowing a baby to grow up in an unloving, uncaring environment. SO many couples ache for the ability to have children, and, if given the opportunity, would make phenomenal parents.
Finally, I don't know what religion any of you practice, if you practice any at all, but prayer works miracles. Your kids are also God's kids, and, believe it or not, He loves them even more than you do . . . unconditionally!
Remember the story of the Prodigal Son . . . even those who have strayed FAR from the path CAN find their way back.
If you ask God, He'll help you find out what you need to know for your kids.
By
Anonymous, At
3:29 AM
God won't help you past telling you to beat them with love. What you need to do is to research a lot of different kinds of motivational theories. Everyone is different, and it's been shown time and time again that for some children, taking things away just won't work. See, I'm one of those kids. Don't try adding anything, however, he'd see those as acceptance and your resignation of attempts to get him to work. You need to understand that what he's trying to do is avoid those things that he's probably afraid of, or desires to replace unenjoyable actions with enjoyable ones.
The biggest issue is that kids have absolutely no relation to what they're studying for. And as unfortunate as it is, most kids won't ever use more than a quarter of the information they learn in American educational systems. I remember having issues with understanding why in the hell I had to learn algebra when I couldn't see any real world application of it in a profession that I desired to become.
Try getting him hired at a job, make him realize that the job sucks and he might try to get better grades to avoid doing that physical labor. Worked for me.
By
Pedgi, At
9:31 AM
For all above, I am an educator that has 22 young ladies in my class. When they started the year many of them were unmotivated to do anything. They could not understand why I didn't give them the answers to questions and why they should do homework. Well after banging my head against the wall many times, I flat out told them they were not failing my class. Any test they take and make a D or F they have to retake but only after writing the wrong anwers 5x each. This assist them with studying for the retake and reminds them to study for the next test. If they still fail they stay with me after class, studying and going over the material. This takes a huge committment on my part because I am taking time away from my family to be with them. But they have finally gotten the message, I'm not going anywhere. I'm here for the long haul. With your son, you need to take everthing away. His room should be bare until he begins to work withing the system (going to school, respect in home and at school). As he gets with the program he earns his items. You should begin with only a bed, chest and desk for homework. Also request that his teachers contact you everyday with his assignments so that you can sit with him to do them. Don't do them for him but sit at the table with him. This is going to be very difficult for you but somehow he missed the boat when it came to personal responsibility and he needs to be retaught this skill especially befor high school. The young people today believe that they have a right to everything. They don't see it as a priviledge. So make him understand that you are allowing him to live in your home and you will nurish him but everything else is a priviledge and he must earn those things.
As far as the 18 year old young mother, it is time for her to grow up. Write down what you expect her to do, pay rent, take responsibility for her child, etc and make her sign this contract. If she does not live up to this contract, then remove her from the household. Get temporary custody of the child if you are willing and make her be responsible on her own. I was pregnant at 18 and my mother gave me the greatest advice, "YOU MADE THIS BED AND YOU ARE GOING TO LIE IN IT" At the time it was very harsh to hear but now looking back it was the best thing my mom could have done for me. I know have two college degrees and am an educator trying to make an impact. Hope the advice was helpful.
Good Luch and stay strong....
By
Anonymous, At
7:35 PM
Some teens, just like people in general don't care about certain things or things in general. I gave up at age 17, back relationships, troubles finding myself and everything else. Now I just go about my normal boring life barely talking to anyone and smoking a lot of weed. In reality, I get high to cover the pain. Please don't let your sin become me. Honestly it's not a fun life
By
Anonymous, At
2:00 AM
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