Writing the difficult stuff
Being honest is sometimes difficult. Often people are hurt by honesty. Being honest to yourself is at times the most difficult thing of all. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, unsure...sometimes it's easier to play ostrich than be honest.
If I was being honest I would openly declare that I have had enough of playing the DS game. I would declare that I am no longer enjoying the process and I am not getting the same level of pleasure out of the results. I would have to tell everyone that as much as I try I am struggling to eat for success. My biggest fear is that I am not eating for health let alone for weight loss. I would state that I feel like I was spiraling out of control.
But to be honest would mean opening myself up to criticism. Being honest would mean having to hear things that I may not want to hear, even though those things need to be said. I would need to hear that I can't live my instant gratification alone. I would hear that I made a commitment and if I want to live a healthy life I have no choice but to stay the course. Eat the way I need to to. Take vitamins the way I need to (and I do). Drink the water than I need to (5 bottles yesterday).
I feel like a fraud.
And I feel so tired. For the past few weeks... all the time. It is likely not the weight loss, or lack there of. It is more likely my Multiple Sclerosis giving me a run for my money. It happens. But it reminds me too that even though I am thinner, there is still shit in my life (like the MS) that doesn't go away. It will still take whatever course it's going to take. It's one of the big unknowns.
I wonder if that's why I'm struggling in part. It's the lack of certainty that I will succeed. If I give it my best shot and fail, then it makes me a failure right? It means that I'm not capable. If I fail but haven't yet given it my best shot then it merely means that I haven't tried enough...right? In question is my will, not my ability.
I'm rambling. I guess I needed to get it out. Now I need to figure it out. Because if I was being honest with myself I would recognize that I truly have a problem.
If I was being honest I would openly declare that I have had enough of playing the DS game. I would declare that I am no longer enjoying the process and I am not getting the same level of pleasure out of the results. I would have to tell everyone that as much as I try I am struggling to eat for success. My biggest fear is that I am not eating for health let alone for weight loss. I would state that I feel like I was spiraling out of control.
But to be honest would mean opening myself up to criticism. Being honest would mean having to hear things that I may not want to hear, even though those things need to be said. I would need to hear that I can't live my instant gratification alone. I would hear that I made a commitment and if I want to live a healthy life I have no choice but to stay the course. Eat the way I need to to. Take vitamins the way I need to (and I do). Drink the water than I need to (5 bottles yesterday).
I feel like a fraud.
And I feel so tired. For the past few weeks... all the time. It is likely not the weight loss, or lack there of. It is more likely my Multiple Sclerosis giving me a run for my money. It happens. But it reminds me too that even though I am thinner, there is still shit in my life (like the MS) that doesn't go away. It will still take whatever course it's going to take. It's one of the big unknowns.
I wonder if that's why I'm struggling in part. It's the lack of certainty that I will succeed. If I give it my best shot and fail, then it makes me a failure right? It means that I'm not capable. If I fail but haven't yet given it my best shot then it merely means that I haven't tried enough...right? In question is my will, not my ability.
I'm rambling. I guess I needed to get it out. Now I need to figure it out. Because if I was being honest with myself I would recognize that I truly have a problem.
posted by Aussieabroad at
9:06 AM
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