Wanted... Dead or Alive

Not blogging since May 12th? What's up with that?

Where to begin? I think the bottom line is that I am overwhelmed. To put it into words means that I have to take accountability and do something about it. To not put it into words means I can avoid seeing how big/bad/overwhelming (pick a word) it really is. I think we have previously come to the conclusion how "avoidance" should be my middle name.

So let's take a look at the good, bad and the ugly.

The Good

1. Today I went to a wedding shower for a fellow Ontarion DSer. Jenn, at a year out, is gorgeous both inside and out. A teacher by trade, and as such one of lifes hero's in my eyes, she is just a really nice person who pays it forward by helping others out of the grasp of obesity. I put words in a blog, she puts words into application forms for others. She's doing good things.

2. Laural. Laural celebrates her 1 year surgiversary on Thursday. She has lost around 170lbs. More importantly she has found herself. She has taken the positive steps needed to get her life to a place that she wants it. Not where her husband wanted it. Not where others want it but where she wants it. It's been an amazing privilege to watch her blossom the way she has. She's dealt with crappy stuff and has come out the other end a whole different person. Laural I know you read this sometimes... You once said that you regreted/resented not having a formal education... in many ways you don't need it... I have learned more from you than you will ever know. I have no doubt that you will find great success once you have fully defined what that success looks like for you.

3. A weekend away. Hubby is away at a conference for the week and I will be joining him on Thursday for a long weekend away together. We are staying at the Biltmore - Hotel to the rich and famous. And us. I am looking forward to a weekend of people watching. I am looking forward to spending 4 days with hubby. Since Ms 8 was born we have never spent more than a night together alone. It's been 9 years. This is definitely good.

The bad and ugly. As I started to think about how to seperate these two sections out I decided that it wasn't worth it... much fits into both

1. Mr 14. I am struggling with this kid right now. He has no respect for authority. His attitude stinks. His modus operandus is to wear you down until you give in. And sadly I do. Just so I don't have to deal with him anymore. He wins and I lose but I am enabling it. What a freakin' lousy parent am I? I dislike everything that he is right now. I resent having to spend the little precious time I have dealing/fighting with him instead of doing things that bring me joy... or that at least has a productive outcome...like clean clothes by doing the laundry. Nothing is productive about our relationship.

I am the person who has incredible pools of patience. Always have. Largely because I don't like conflict but whatever the reason I can make it through most things. Twice in this last week he has had me so angry/upset that it felt like my heart was going to explode through my eyeballs. I could literally feel my blood pressure go through the roof...I've never experienced this before. It's both bad and ugly.

The guilt of not liking one's child is an incredible burden and it's one I don't know how to lighten. There is nothing to like about this kid right now. I cannot find joy in him.

2. Now that we've established that I am a horrible person (re read 1) the second bad and ugly is work. Not all of work because I actually love what I do. I have an employee who is struggling. Struggling and not taking accountability. She is lashing out. Everyone else is responsible for the position she finds herself in (especially me). We've been working through a formal performance plan which was designed to help her move through and on. I had really hoped that we could work through this together in a way that would allow her to be successful. She is actually a nice person. But man, she's making it hard. The focus she is taking is making the hole bigger. I don't know that she can be successful and that weighs heavily on me.

3. My weight. Yes it had to come up... just as my weight is up. Not much but up instead of down. I need to find a way to carve time out of my day to focus on me and I have no clue as to how to do this. What has to give? What can give? My vitamin D levels came in super low this month so I need to find a way to get out in the sun 15 minutes per day as part of the the solution...I'm struggling finding even that.

4. My mom. It is bothering me. It is always with me. A while back, before we knew that the cancer had changed, I had told her that I would try to come visit next April. I'm not sure she will have a next April and it's causing me all sorts of angst. We have booked a family vacation in August and I am finding it hard to get excited about it because in the back of my mind I'm thinking... Florida will always be there...Mum will not. On the other hand, this is something that the family has been looking forward to for a really long time. It's hard to take that away when it's been quite the work year for both hybby and I. We both need the down time. Result - me tied in knots not knowing what I want. I will speak to hubby about this...I'm really just starting to articulate this for myself.

There was more but I'm running out of steam. I was up at 3am to take hubby to Buffalo airport this morning. I've hit the proverbial wall.

So I am back. I will try to stay in the here and now but at times like this sometimes it takes all my energy simply to just get through...blogging is such a luxury.