Why disconnected feels "wrong"

I think I've worked it out. I'm not comfortable with feeling disconnected to my weight loss even though many have said that it is normal because the only other times I've been disconnected is when I put on weight.

I would go for months, sometimes years without weighing myself. I would eat what I want. I played ostrich. My concern is that "this" feels very much like "that".

I need to feel connected. I need to find a way to take control so that my involvement is at a conscious level. I am not yet far enough along in my journey of weightloss or self discovery to allow myself the "luxury" of being disconnected. Disconnected allows me to pretend that it doesn't matter as much. It allows for the feelings to be somewhat muted. It is a familiar pattern of denial. I can't afford that. I don't want that.

So today I take back the reins. I'm not sure exactly what I'm going to do with them yet... wouldn't it be nice to have a GPS for this type of journey. I would love to hear that fake Aussie accent tell me "recalculating" every time I take a wrong turn. But failing that, I do know that the turn I have taken isn't right for me yet. Now I just need to reposition myself. Recalculating.