Disconnected

It's hard to explain. I feel disconnected from my weight loss journey right now. It is not in any way shape or form a major focus for me. Heck, it's not even a minor focus these days. After 11 months of focusing so closely on it I feel almost lost. I'm not sure what "my role" in this journey is any more.

During the time that I wasn't working I had a lot of time to think and apparently a great deal of that thinking time went to how I lived with the DS. How I was progressing or not. Celebrating the wins. Mourning the bumps along the way. Some might think I was obsessing but I see it more as being engaged. I was driving the journey. Or so I thought.

These days I don't feel like I'm in control. I am not driving the bus. It is operating on remote control. The DS does it's thing and I accommodate where I need to. You need me to go to the bathroom NOW? ok. You need me to eat NOW. ok.

Daily I see my weight go up and down and up. Oh well. I'm not owning it any more. I take my vitamins. I eat my protein. I drink my water. I do it because it's become habit. It is not a focus. I have also developed some bad habits that I am finding harder to let go of but then again I'm not trying too hard because I've lost that sense of wonder. That sense that I am doing something really incredible.

Maybe this is healthy? Maybe I am meant to take a more balanced approach? Maybe. But maybe I have swung too far the other way? Maybe.