A thoughtful thought.

When did we move, as a society, from being a thoughtful one to a thoughtless one? Was it at the time that woman finally received some semblance of equality and as we migrated to the work place we simply didn't have the time to be as thoughtful? Was it with the advent of technology where everything is so instant gratification that we lost the ability to think ahead and show someone we care? Or was it simply that as a society we no longer value it, don't show appreciation of it and therefore we stopped doing it?

Thoughtlessness is everywhere. I see it on a daily, no, hourly basis in the behaviour of my teenaged stepsons. They struggle stringing two thoughts together long enough to allow them to function. They aren't thoughtful towards themselves, let alone anyone else.

I see it everywhere. Today was a smorgasboard of thoughtlessness. The 20 minute queue at Burger King (at this point incompetence rather than thoughtlessness) to find out that the debit machine wasn't working. A simple sign would have allowed those of us who have embraced a cashless society to make our choices. The 2 hour wait for Chinese delivery - at the time we called a simple apology for being extra busy on this rainy crappy night would have allowed us to make alternative arrangements to feed the 7 year old before she became extra whiny due to early onset starvation. The drivers on the highway who drive 20kms/hr below the speed limit. Not one but 6 in a 35 minute drive. Thoughtless - slow driving is equally as dangerous as speeding. The moronic 15 yr old who decides he needs a ride to see his mom - 6 days since he's had the opportunity to plan this with us.

People - thoughfulness doesn't take a lot of time. It takes only a small amount of effort but the rewards can be so bountiful

1. The restuarants would not have lost customers (and yes we eat out way too much)
2. Drivers wouldn't have been taking stupid risks in the pouring rain to try and avoid the aforementioned slow pokes
3. I wouldn't be feeling resentful of the total "me" "give me" mentality I see in the boys. It drives me batty.

And best of all - being thoughtful makes you feel good. It's a powerful feeling. Let's give it a try. If nothing else it'd keep people like me off their soap boxes!

The Joy List

When I was on a supervised weight loss program, part of which involved meeting with an occupational therapist, I was asked to create a "Joy List". A list of ten things I like to do and that have the power to bring me joy. The only restriction was that it could not be food or alcohol related. Alcohol was not an issue but we all know that food was.

I made a list two years ago but things have changed. Dramatically. So in preparation for coming up with things to do instead of eating I thought it may be worthwhile to go through this exercise again.

My Joy List

1. Spend 30 minutes reading or playing a game with my daughter. She enjoys books as much as I did when I was a kid. I get such a kick out of watching her expand her horizons.

2. Spend 20 minutes working on a jigsaw puzzle

3. Have a foot bath

4. Take a shower. I'm a water babe. I love the water and a shower is such a great place to decompress

5. Do a cryptic crossword. It's a great way to turn off the other stuff that's cluttering your head

6. Surf. I've become addicted to reading other peoples blogs. There are so many smart, inspiring people out there. It's nice to be able to see beyond the parameters of your own small world.

7. Read a magazine. I have to admit I like reading Oprah.

8. Listen to music. I rarely do. I love it. I miss it. Mental note to self... time to load that MP3 player!

9. Write. I am finding that writing this blog is somewhat cathartic. It's very rare that I take this sort of time to collect my thoughts.

10. Take photos. We've been horrible recording the kids growing up. I could have fun with this one.

Why am I fat?

So many people equate fat with laziness, stupidity (I mean a smart person wouldn't allow themselves to look like that) and gluttony. To some extent gluttony may be true - we have to eat more calories than we burn in order to put on weight. But I think the real story is as varied as the people that find themselves overweight or obese.

Why am I overweight? This is not an easy question to answer and some of my insights came from a few sessions with an occupational therapist that specializes in obesity.

1. I do not like confrontation. I do not assert my view well. I hold things in and then make myself feel better by eating.
2. I do not make time to look after me. I look after my children and my family but I do not look after me. I am more likely to eat breakfast in the car than I am at home
3. I will work through lunch and then turn to the less than stellar food available in the vending machine. Once again - I am taking care of my employer but I do not take care of me. Lunch in the car is a luxury. See a recurring theme. I do not look after me.
4. I like food. I use it as a reward and as a solace. This will no longer be an option post surgery so I need to find a new way to make myself happy.
5. I cannot deal with positive attention. I do not cope well with looking good and having people notice. I feel pressured to always be like that and if I'm not then I am not meeting their expectations... sometimes I think I self sabotage myself so that others do not have those expectations of me...it's not as far to fall.

What this tells me is that I am afraid of success and failure. I am afraid to find out I have limits and I am afraid of the attention that comes with stretching those limits and reaching success. It's funny I can look at this so logically and if I was advising a friend I would know exactly what to say and encourage them to do. Yet, I can not successfully counsel me. Recognizing this has been a real eye opener for me.

I am an intelligent woman. I coasted through school, university and grad school. I can take a simple little fact and make it sound like I know what I'm talking about. I am very good at assessing others and working out what they need or want. I am strategic, quick to learn and work hard to do the right thing. So stupidity is not what led me where I am today. Fear, low self esteem, insecurity maybe but not stupidity.

I am fat because I have not learned to deal with the emotional side of life. I love but find it hard to be loved. I shut myself away to protect myself... and in doing so have robbed myself of many things. A healthy body being one.

The Duodenal Switch

What is it? Why this form of surgery?

There are some great web sites explaining what this surgery is about - the following is a good place to start

http://www.duodenalswitch.com/

but let me give is a shot in laymans terms

The duodenal switch is a surgery that has two main components. 1. it makes your stomach smaller and 2. it shortens the amount of time that food is in your system hence the length of time there is for calories to be absorbed. The surgery makes your stomach smaller but leaves it operating as a normal stomach (unlike the more common RNY gastric bypass surgery). The surgeon also shortens the length of the digestive loop.

Hmmm... clear as mud? Maybe the why's would make more sense...

1. The stomach continues to operate which means that you have a greater chance of getting the required nutrients from food
2. You will end up eating more normal meals, albeit smaller ones than before, than with some of the other surgery options
3. You are less likely to experience "dumping" which happens when the small intestine fills too quickly with undigested food from the stomach. "Early" dumping begins during or right after a meal. Symptoms of early dumping include nausea, vomiting, bloating, diarrhea, and shortness of breath. "Late" dumping happens 1 to 3 hours after eating. Symptoms of late dumping include weakness, sweating, and dizziness.
4. It has a much greater success rate of long term weight loss
5. People lose a much greater percentage of their excess weight in the first two years

After lots of research I think there are reasons to consider the other main surgery options but for me this was a no brainer. Given my starting point this is the surgery that makes most sense for me.

http://obesityhelp.com

is another good website. I love reading what other people have to write. Not only does it give you an insight into other peoples lives and challenges as it relates to weight, it can act as an aha moment helping you to better understand your own challenges.

Happy reading!

That went well

My discussion with my husband went very well. He was supportive, asked the right questions and didn't hesitate to offer to come with me to the initial consultation. I feel really good about what I am doing. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders... keeping a secret, when you're not really trying to keep a secret, is really draining. LOL. It's amazing how hard it is to find the right time to talk about something that has life and death possibilities. Thank goodness that's done!

My mother in law will come and stay with the kids on the 22nd/23rd while we are off to Michigan. The wonderful thing is I'll be able to catch up with one of my favourite web people. Meredith. Mer and I met through a mother's play group online in 1999 and since have met in person several times. She's smart, funny, passionate about her children and just a really nice person (if you're reading this Mer, yes this is how you really come across!) I can't wait!

Time to do some work. I am very unsuccessfully working from home today.

Take a deep breath and GO!

I've told my husband that I received a call about my weightloss on Friday and that I need to speak with him after the kids have gone to bed.

Taking a deep breath - this should be quite the conversation.

I've been approved!

Holy crap. I received a call from my selected surgeons office today. I’ve been approved by OHIP for the initial consult. It took less than three weeks from the time I put it into the mail, it took two weeks from the time it reached OHIP. Holy crap!

How do I feel?

Scared
Excited
Scared
Have to tell my husband
Scared
Excited
Holy crap!

I actually received the call this morning while I had one of my colleagues in my office. I really couldn’t speak but booked my appointment for October 23rd. I wish I had done it earlier. Assuming that Dr. L takes me on as a patient I could get this done this year. Holy crap!

I have so many thoughts swirling through my mind. Will I die? Am I prepared to leave my 7 year old to be raised by her Dad and the terrible twosome, the teenaged boys? How wonderful would it be to walk to work from the train station and not feel like I’m going to have a heart attack? How wonderful would it be to not hurt all the time, to have the energy to really enjoy my family, my work, my life? How are we going to deal with me being at reduced pay while I recover? How will my daughter handle me being away for 7 – 10 days, how will I handle being away from her for that long? Can I get away with not buying a larger sized winter coat for this year (yeah I know, shallow, shallow, shallow)? Will I have a ton of hanging skin? Will I regret (I know I would regret dieing… a lot!)?

Am I ready? I think I am but the true test will come when I sit down and speak with my husband. He is analytical and direct – he will ask the hard questions. If I can get through that and feel that the answers make sense to me (like they did when I started this process) then I will be able to say I’m ready. I know I’m ready for a change. I know I won’t live if I don’t make that change. I know that the long term odds for weight loss any other way are very much against me. I know the Duodenal Switch is the best surgery option for me. I know I want to meet “me” again. I know I don’t want to die.

Obsessed

ob·sess ( b-s s , b-) Pronunciation Key v. ob·sessed, ob·sess·ing, ob·sess·es v. tr.
To preoccupy the mind of excessively.
v. intr.
To have the mind excessively preoccupied with a single emotion or topic: “She's dead. And you're still obsessing” (Scott Turow).


obsessed. (n.d.). The American Heritage® Dictionary of the English Language, Fourth Edition. Retrieved September 19, 2006, from Dictionary.com website: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=obsessed&x=10&y=2


Now that I have made up my mind that weight loss surgery (WLS) is a viable, and smart, option to dealing with what has been a life long battle I find that I am becoming more and more preoccupied with all aspects of the WLS experience. Based on the above definition I think I can safely say that I am obsessed. Informational websites, blogs, and support forums – I’m reading it all. I cannot go a day (maybe I should admit hour) without checking out some website. A favourite jump off site for me is Marybeth’s Attraversiamo. Her personal story is inspiring, her writing style is entertaining, but best of all she has compiled an impressive set of links to other resources that further feed my obsession.

I can’t help it. I know there are ramifications to spending this much time obsessing about it but I truly don’t have the ability to stop. I have tried. I wonder – does this obsessive quality in anyway tie into the process that earned me the label of morbidly obese. With a shudder I’ll push that thought aside for now – it’s likely to take me down a path that will kill any semblance of productivity that I have been able to pull together today.

My hope is that I am approved for this surgery quickly and in turn that the surgeon can get me in quickly… I would like to be able to move on from this obsession. Maybe my next obsession could be income producing. There’s a happy thought!

Water water everywhere

Today, while listening attentively to a particularly non rivetting conference call, I did some research on the benefits of drinking water to support weight loss. The following article is a good one so I won't do the traditional summary.

http://www.sideroad.com/Diet_and_Nutrition/water-and-weight-loss.html

Various sources say that you need to drink six 8oz glasses a day plus an extra 8 ounces for every 25lbs that you are overweight. Another website suggested that a good rule of thumb is 1 oz of water for every lb of weight.

Hmmmm.... let me do the math? OMGosh I would have to drink the equivelant of a childs small pool worth of water every day! I could see how this would help weight loss. Firstly, I would burn a zillion calories trying to run with my legs crossed as I made the mad dash to the loo (Australian for toilet), half of those calories would be stress ones wondering how many loads of laundry I would have to do each day as a result of the times I did NOT quite make the aforementioned target. Secondly I wouldn't have time to eat - I'd be in the little girls room. And thirdly, there would simply be no room for food... I would be swimmingly full all the time.

I think I may just start with shooting for those six glass and see if I can add in an additional 2 at a time. I figure by Christmas I should be able to consume what I should be. If you hear a sloshing sound in the crowd it's probably me!

Darth Vader Returns

Last Thursday I found out that I had severe sleep apnea. A couple of episodes of waking because my throat was closed and continuous comments about death defying snoring led me to visit my family doctor and then take a sleep test. What I wasn’t prepared for was the severity of the results.

In the 5 hours and 38 minutes I purportedly slept, and I say purportedly because I felt like crap in the morning, the following was monitored

1. I woke up completely 44 times
2. I had 369 apnea episodes meaning that I stopped breathing 369 times or 60.1 times per hour! The norm is < 5.
3. I enter REM sleep on average every 256 minutes; most people do this every 90 – 120 minutes.
4. I spent over 80% of my time in light sleep.

No wonder I am so freaking tired ALL the time. This is not the “I went to bed late” kind of tired, it’s not even the “I’m a new breastfeeding mom” kind of tired. This is a mind numbing, I think I’ll take a nap while the traffic light is red, falling asleep during conference calls kind of tired. I can now admit that I had trouble stringing two coherent thoughts together long enough to take productive action. My work was suffering.

On Friday I was fitted for a CPAP machine. It is noisy, it is ugly beyond sin, it has killed whatever spontaneous intimacy that there may have existed (I hear rumours that there was some) but I tell ya, today as I type this I can honestly say that I feel ok. My brain doesn’t feel like it’s stuffed full of cotton balls. I am thinking clearly (which doesn’t explain why I’m typing this at work!). That alone is worth a whole lot. Today I don’t feel stupid, today I care, today I can smile…. Holy crap I can’t wait till I’m actually used to wearing the mask – I may actually clean my house!

The C word and me

I found out tonight that my father's colon cancer has returned. I am feeling so lost and so far away right now. I wish I was with them.

Cancer has hit my family hard. Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in June of last year. While the surgery was successful he contracted an infection within days of coming home that nearly killed him. We found this out well after the fact. I could have lost my dad. His cancer was a very emotional experience for me. I have had a non relationship with my dad for many years. I don't know how it got that way and I don't know why it stayed. Nothing, no clue, nada. It is disfunctional at best, weirdly disturbing in other ways but like all bad things we put them in the cage and ignore them. Well his illness brought forward a lot of feelings that I didn't know I had and it allowed me to reconnect. For that I will always be grateful.

Two months after Dad's ordeal Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This one is terminal. I have said my goodbyes. Mum is doing well on her chemo.

And now, one year later...this. It's so not fair. Dad hasn't had his colostomy reversed because he was worried about Mum and now he has to go back under the knife. The same operation that nearly killed him last time. He must be so scared. I'm scared. What if something goes wrong? I don't want Mum to die alone. It's not meant to be this way. They are both so young, and so far away.

God give them strength... and god, if you have to take them both, take them together.

One year on

Sept 10, 2005. I can't help but look back at where I was a year ago.

This time last year I was sitting in my mother's hospital room in Adelaide, South Australia. She had just gone through bypass surgery to buy her some time against her pancreatic cancer.

When I had spoken to the surgeon two weeks earlier to try and assess how much time Mum had, and therefore how much time I had to try and figure out how on earth I was going to be able to swing a trip to Australia, he told me " your Mum is leaving the hospital next week, I would come the week after. The cancer has grown significantly" I knew then that I had to say goodbye. Pancreatic cancer is a nasty death sentance. For most it is too late when it is diagnosed.

My father very kindly offered to pay for flight tickets for my daughter and I, so on Sept 8 we set off on our 24 hour journey, arriving on the morning of the 10th. It was so surreal. My Mum was only 58, she wasn't meant to be facing death yet.

The two weeks we were there gave me a great chance to reconnect with my family. My father, with whom I had lost any sembalance of a normal relationship, my mother who really kept our family together and my sisters, both of whom were scared. Best of all it gave my Dad a chance to build a relationship with his granddaughter. They are so much alike, they have the same wicked sense of humour. I loved watching what happened, I love that they are still connected.

Saying goodbye as we stood in the airport was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I saw my father cry, I had to say goodbye to a mother who has supported me throughout my life knowing I would never see her again, I had to stay strong because my daughter was with me.

Today my mother is still alive and doing well. We don't know why but I am ever so grateful that she is. I miss her dearly but I can still hear her voice. I dread the day that won't be a possibility but until then I am saying my thank you's.

I love you Mum - I wish I could tell you more often.

Ouch... that hurts!

Do you ever have days where you wonder whether you'll ever feel healthy, energetic and pain free again? There is a good chance that this entry is going to end up being a majestic whine... so get comfortable!

I hurt in oh so many ways. Some are weight related and some are not, all I know is that I hurt. Let's do an inventory...

1. my most immediate issue is my wrist/ forearm. I think I may have tendonitis - most likely from sitting here at this computer and playing with the wee ones tamagotchi's (someone has to keep them alive!)
2. my back. I found out recently that I have a herniated disk that is pinching a nerve. My only option is surgery. I'd rather wait for this surgery until after my WLS. In the meantime I run the gamut from a mild "ow" to total incapacitation.
3. my head. Maybe not pain but an exhaustion so deep that daily functioning seems painful at times... I am SO TIRED. I want to scream it but I don't think many people truly understand how debilitating this is.

Ok - maybe that isn't too bad. The one thing I would really like to get rid of is the sleep deprivation. I know I'm not sleeping well. The results of my sleep test should tell me how badly I am actually suffering. I cannot remember the last time I woke up not tired. I honestly do not remember what it is like to have energy. Sad. I am so sad and pathetic sometimes...lol. I have fallen asleep at the wheel of my car at traffic lights and more dangerously on the drives I make to see my London based team; I have fallen asleep at my desk; I have fallen asleep during a conference call to find no one there when I woke up; I have a sleep problem....

Hmmmm.... this is pretty close

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion: You have low extroversion. You are quiet and reserved in most social situations. A low key, laid back lifestyle is important to you. You tend to bond slowly, over time, with one or two people. Conscientiousness: You have medium conscientiousness. You're generally good at balancing work and play. When you need to buckle down, you can usually get tasks done. But you've been known to goof off when you know you can get away with it. Agreeableness: You have high agreeableness. You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly. Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone. You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance. Neuroticism: You have low neuroticism. You are very emotionally stable and mentally together. Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly. Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure. Openness to experience: Your openness to new experiences is medium. You are generally broad minded when it come to new things. But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it. You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.

The Five Factor Personality Test

One step on the path...

I did it... my journey towards a healthier me took a step forward today. I completed and mailed my OHIP forms ... there's no going back now. I believe the waiting period for a response is 4 - 6 weeks. I'm rooting for 4! I also sent in my pre consultation forms to the surgeon I will be using, should he accept me as a patient. The ball is definitely rolling.

What do I hope to achieve out of this surgery? So many things, a few that come to mind include

1. to be able to sit on plastic lawn furniture without breaking it
2. to be able to wear a life jacket so I too can go tubing down the river with my family
3. to be able to walk up 4 - 6 flights of stairs at the waterpark to participate in the fun
4. let's just make that participate in life - I really feel like an observer at the moment
5. to get rid of my sleep apnea which means that I may actually wake up and feel rested... I don't remember what that is like
6. to know that if my MS flares up I am strong enough to withstand the weakness that comes with it
7. to be a good example to my daughter... she's already at risk of obesity
8. to be comfortable in my skin
9. to wear clothes that do not have an X associated with it, unless it's lingerie that's XXX rated...lol
10. to live to see my children grow up

There's lots more, some too personal to share, some silly and some just weird but they are all a part of what makes me want to do this... in case you're wondering, number 10 means the most to me.

So now the count down begins.

The kids are at school

It is 9am on the first day of school. It's a happy time, a time to remember that life is good, a time to take in the peace and quiet and think... thank frigging you... summer vacations are just way too long!

To celebrate this auspicious occassion I booked an extra vacation day and I'm going to enjoy the day doing me things ie read that as doing all the things I should have done while I was on vacation for the past two weeks.

My big thing today is to get my package to OHIP in the mail. I am asking OHIP to pay for out of country coverage for weight loss surgery. After much research I have settled on the Duodenal Switch as being the best surgery for me, and my family, in the long run. I am ready to do this - I have a surgeon picked out, my dr. supports me 100% so now all I need is the $$$$. Keep your fingers crossed for me.

Will typing it make it real?

Have you ever been so consumed with thoughts and plans that you've found yourself incapable of putting things into action?


During the last few months I have been planning the next stages of my lifes journey. In my mind I know how it is going to happen - I know who I need to help me be successful, I know the actions I need to take and the words I need to say. I can see forward and know how it will look and feel but I have done little other than plan. The package that will get me started sits on the table waiting for a signature...mine. My husband sits at the other PC playing a game, knowing there is stuff going on but not having been told that I am about to step on a path that will forever change my life and his.


What am I scared of...failure? Or perhaps success?


And I am scared. I am scared that if my plan does not work I will die. I am scared that if my plan comes to fruition that I will have no where to hide... people will see me for what I really am... will that be enough? Will it be enough to hold together the threads of the life that I have built?

I am morbidly obese. I got here through noones actions but my own. I eat to hide from the world, from pain, from confrontation. I am not good at receiving attention... when I get it now I can blame it on the fat... the attention is not about ME... I am an intelligent, well educated, well paid professional but I cannot run my own life in a healthy way... I struggle with balance. Sad thing is that this struggle has really screwed with my body and ability to lose weight by myself. I need help... I need help before I die from this chronic illness. With a BMI of 50 I am but a ticking timebomb. I am ready to diffuse the bomb!