Will typing it make it real?

Have you ever been so consumed with thoughts and plans that you've found yourself incapable of putting things into action?


During the last few months I have been planning the next stages of my lifes journey. In my mind I know how it is going to happen - I know who I need to help me be successful, I know the actions I need to take and the words I need to say. I can see forward and know how it will look and feel but I have done little other than plan. The package that will get me started sits on the table waiting for a signature...mine. My husband sits at the other PC playing a game, knowing there is stuff going on but not having been told that I am about to step on a path that will forever change my life and his.


What am I scared of...failure? Or perhaps success?


And I am scared. I am scared that if my plan does not work I will die. I am scared that if my plan comes to fruition that I will have no where to hide... people will see me for what I really am... will that be enough? Will it be enough to hold together the threads of the life that I have built?

I am morbidly obese. I got here through noones actions but my own. I eat to hide from the world, from pain, from confrontation. I am not good at receiving attention... when I get it now I can blame it on the fat... the attention is not about ME... I am an intelligent, well educated, well paid professional but I cannot run my own life in a healthy way... I struggle with balance. Sad thing is that this struggle has really screwed with my body and ability to lose weight by myself. I need help... I need help before I die from this chronic illness. With a BMI of 50 I am but a ticking timebomb. I am ready to diffuse the bomb!