Why am I fat?

So many people equate fat with laziness, stupidity (I mean a smart person wouldn't allow themselves to look like that) and gluttony. To some extent gluttony may be true - we have to eat more calories than we burn in order to put on weight. But I think the real story is as varied as the people that find themselves overweight or obese.

Why am I overweight? This is not an easy question to answer and some of my insights came from a few sessions with an occupational therapist that specializes in obesity.

1. I do not like confrontation. I do not assert my view well. I hold things in and then make myself feel better by eating.
2. I do not make time to look after me. I look after my children and my family but I do not look after me. I am more likely to eat breakfast in the car than I am at home
3. I will work through lunch and then turn to the less than stellar food available in the vending machine. Once again - I am taking care of my employer but I do not take care of me. Lunch in the car is a luxury. See a recurring theme. I do not look after me.
4. I like food. I use it as a reward and as a solace. This will no longer be an option post surgery so I need to find a new way to make myself happy.
5. I cannot deal with positive attention. I do not cope well with looking good and having people notice. I feel pressured to always be like that and if I'm not then I am not meeting their expectations... sometimes I think I self sabotage myself so that others do not have those expectations of me...it's not as far to fall.

What this tells me is that I am afraid of success and failure. I am afraid to find out I have limits and I am afraid of the attention that comes with stretching those limits and reaching success. It's funny I can look at this so logically and if I was advising a friend I would know exactly what to say and encourage them to do. Yet, I can not successfully counsel me. Recognizing this has been a real eye opener for me.

I am an intelligent woman. I coasted through school, university and grad school. I can take a simple little fact and make it sound like I know what I'm talking about. I am very good at assessing others and working out what they need or want. I am strategic, quick to learn and work hard to do the right thing. So stupidity is not what led me where I am today. Fear, low self esteem, insecurity maybe but not stupidity.

I am fat because I have not learned to deal with the emotional side of life. I love but find it hard to be loved. I shut myself away to protect myself... and in doing so have robbed myself of many things. A healthy body being one.