The C word and me

I found out tonight that my father's colon cancer has returned. I am feeling so lost and so far away right now. I wish I was with them.

Cancer has hit my family hard. Dad was diagnosed with colon cancer in June of last year. While the surgery was successful he contracted an infection within days of coming home that nearly killed him. We found this out well after the fact. I could have lost my dad. His cancer was a very emotional experience for me. I have had a non relationship with my dad for many years. I don't know how it got that way and I don't know why it stayed. Nothing, no clue, nada. It is disfunctional at best, weirdly disturbing in other ways but like all bad things we put them in the cage and ignore them. Well his illness brought forward a lot of feelings that I didn't know I had and it allowed me to reconnect. For that I will always be grateful.

Two months after Dad's ordeal Mum was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. This one is terminal. I have said my goodbyes. Mum is doing well on her chemo.

And now, one year later...this. It's so not fair. Dad hasn't had his colostomy reversed because he was worried about Mum and now he has to go back under the knife. The same operation that nearly killed him last time. He must be so scared. I'm scared. What if something goes wrong? I don't want Mum to die alone. It's not meant to be this way. They are both so young, and so far away.

God give them strength... and god, if you have to take them both, take them together.