What a week
Before I can bring closure to Mum's passing and resume my regular programming, one last post.
The week has been a mixed one.
On Monday night, shortly after I posted, Ms 9 asked that we all go mini golfing in memory of Oma. You may recall that while we were in Australia that's what Mum wanted to do after a three day stint in hospital. Ms 9 decided that since Oma was now permanently out of the hospital it was the right thing to do. So we did. We headed off to a lovely course down by the lake that Mum had played with us when she was last in Canada. It was a nice way to honor something she enjoyed doing. I hope Ms 9 never loses that thoughtfulness.
Tuesday I took off as a bereavement day but other than running a few errands I mostly napped. I was so tired. The tired associated with a high level stresser being removed from your reality. Waiting for that call on Monday really added a dimension of stress that I hadn't dealt with for a long time. On Tuesday my body took care of itself. Of to work on Wednesday, like nothing had happened.
And then Thursday occurred. I dropped Ms 9 off at camp after a delightful hour of arguing with the charming Mr 14. On the way to work the tears started and I couldn't stop. I could not bring myself to go into work and instead drove to the lake and sat in the car and cried until I fell asleep. I slept there for nearly two hours. I needed to allow myself to feel the sorrow and feel it I did. The day was one of many thoughts... assessing my life, my relationships, my feelings. It was all good and all necessary. I don't cry easily for myself but it was good.
The funeral was Thursday evening our time, Friday morning in Adelaide. Apparently it was lovely. The celebrant did a great job and my sister Margaret read the eulogy that we all had a part in writing. Ms 9 sent a letter to Oma. It was included too. It was taped so at some point I will be able to see it and have reality take over from the imagination... the images created with others words.
The imagination has been the hardest to deal with. My last visual of Mum was at the airport as we left. The words during the past couple of weeks have painted a different picture. One in which she was scared and dying. The last day sounded horrible. The process of death is not always peaceful even though her passing was. So it has left me trying to find closure without the real visual of what happened. And that has been harder than I could have imagined.
In some ways I am very grateful that my visual memory of her will always be a positive one but in some ways I regret that I couldn't "see" the end to allow for the brain to catch up to the reality... does that make sense?
So yesterday was a tough day. Today was better. What I find is that there will be odd moments where she springs into my mind and I can feel the emotions push through. Who would have thought that Lamaze breathing would still come in handy after all these years!
The other thing I must mention before I rein in this stage of my life, is the amazing support I've received.
First and foremost - hubby. He has been a rock... I've seen him in a whole new light this past week.
My boss, my company, my colleagues, my staff. Well wishes, emails, cards, flowers, baskets of goodies... it's been amazing...and real. I am so so lucky.
The people I've met over the years. There are a wonderful group of people that I came to know through pregnancy and the early years of raising Ms. 9... some I "see" regulalry, others I haven't heard from in years but many came out to support me.
The folks that I have got to know through blogging - most who have had weightloss surgery at various times of their lives. This wonderful group of women have supported me through my weight loss journey with advice, with a kick up the butt and always with compassion. Their compassion goes way past the WLS stuff. Thank you.
This blog has been therapeutic for me for a long time but the support and the ability to capture the words has allowed me to deal with a staggering loss. Thank you all, I will be forever in your debt.
The week has been a mixed one.
On Monday night, shortly after I posted, Ms 9 asked that we all go mini golfing in memory of Oma. You may recall that while we were in Australia that's what Mum wanted to do after a three day stint in hospital. Ms 9 decided that since Oma was now permanently out of the hospital it was the right thing to do. So we did. We headed off to a lovely course down by the lake that Mum had played with us when she was last in Canada. It was a nice way to honor something she enjoyed doing. I hope Ms 9 never loses that thoughtfulness.
Tuesday I took off as a bereavement day but other than running a few errands I mostly napped. I was so tired. The tired associated with a high level stresser being removed from your reality. Waiting for that call on Monday really added a dimension of stress that I hadn't dealt with for a long time. On Tuesday my body took care of itself. Of to work on Wednesday, like nothing had happened.
And then Thursday occurred. I dropped Ms 9 off at camp after a delightful hour of arguing with the charming Mr 14. On the way to work the tears started and I couldn't stop. I could not bring myself to go into work and instead drove to the lake and sat in the car and cried until I fell asleep. I slept there for nearly two hours. I needed to allow myself to feel the sorrow and feel it I did. The day was one of many thoughts... assessing my life, my relationships, my feelings. It was all good and all necessary. I don't cry easily for myself but it was good.
The funeral was Thursday evening our time, Friday morning in Adelaide. Apparently it was lovely. The celebrant did a great job and my sister Margaret read the eulogy that we all had a part in writing. Ms 9 sent a letter to Oma. It was included too. It was taped so at some point I will be able to see it and have reality take over from the imagination... the images created with others words.
The imagination has been the hardest to deal with. My last visual of Mum was at the airport as we left. The words during the past couple of weeks have painted a different picture. One in which she was scared and dying. The last day sounded horrible. The process of death is not always peaceful even though her passing was. So it has left me trying to find closure without the real visual of what happened. And that has been harder than I could have imagined.
In some ways I am very grateful that my visual memory of her will always be a positive one but in some ways I regret that I couldn't "see" the end to allow for the brain to catch up to the reality... does that make sense?
So yesterday was a tough day. Today was better. What I find is that there will be odd moments where she springs into my mind and I can feel the emotions push through. Who would have thought that Lamaze breathing would still come in handy after all these years!
The other thing I must mention before I rein in this stage of my life, is the amazing support I've received.
First and foremost - hubby. He has been a rock... I've seen him in a whole new light this past week.
My boss, my company, my colleagues, my staff. Well wishes, emails, cards, flowers, baskets of goodies... it's been amazing...and real. I am so so lucky.
The people I've met over the years. There are a wonderful group of people that I came to know through pregnancy and the early years of raising Ms. 9... some I "see" regulalry, others I haven't heard from in years but many came out to support me.
The folks that I have got to know through blogging - most who have had weightloss surgery at various times of their lives. This wonderful group of women have supported me through my weight loss journey with advice, with a kick up the butt and always with compassion. Their compassion goes way past the WLS stuff. Thank you.
This blog has been therapeutic for me for a long time but the support and the ability to capture the words has allowed me to deal with a staggering loss. Thank you all, I will be forever in your debt.
posted by Aussieabroad at
11:19 PM
2 Comments:
HUGS and continued prayers Ann. I am glad you were able to "get it out"
HUGS.
By
Anonymous, At
10:33 PM
Ann,
I am sorry about your mom's passing. I am thankful you got to see her before. You are in my thoughts and prayers.
Tiffany
By
Little Chef On The Prairie, At
9:16 PM
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