Connected?
Last night as a I was driving along the highway, having just dropped the boys off to visit with their Mom, the most beautiful sight caught my attention. It was a cloudy day and it was around the time that the sun would have started towards setting in the horizon in front of me. Through the clouds there was one large oval spot where the sun was shining through. It reminded me of a religious painting - golden beams reaching out from the darkness. The beams, distinct and glowing, reminded me of conveyor belts and I found myself wondering whether there was a version of ones spirit moving along a conveyor belt towards the "light"... whatever that light represented.
That got to me to thinking (it was a strange drive home) about the fact that even as the sun was still in my sky, it was high in Mums. Which led me down the path of would I somehow know when Mum had passed. We are more connected than we sometimes think. The sun makes it seem like a small world.
I also noticed, before I was pulled over, that I was about 40% above the speed limit... apparently I can't think these thoughts and maintain a safe limit. I was already to tell my sunbeam, distracted by my Mum's illness story should I be pulled over by our fine law enforcers.
But is there more to it than that? I am in no way prone to thoughts of what comes beyond this life but I found out later in the evening that Mum has taken a real turn for the worst. Was there a connection or was it pure coincidence? It was impactful though.
She has a lung infection that they can't get on top of. She is not getting in enough oxygen so her heart started to pump the blood through faster in a bid to get more oxygen where it was needed. It sent her blood pressure sky rocketing. She has not eaten in days. They are not feeding her because to do so would also be to feed the infection. It's a real balancing act between ensuring she has what she needs and trying to kill the bad guys.
Dad says that the cancer has really increased in size over the past three weeks. It is now in more organs. She's having trouble swallowing. It's all moving very quickly but noone can really tell us what that means... hours, days or weeks. No point talking months any more.
My sister Margaret flew back down yesterday. I am glad she is there - at least Dad will have some support. He is now spending his nights at the hospital...he doesn't want her to be alone at night. Margaret will take turns with him - he will go home to sleep for a few hours every day.
It is so horrible waiting for someone to die. I underestimated how difficult it is to be away from your family during a time like this. While no one wants to see it - the not seeing it is equally as hard. I feel useless. I am so glad Margaret is there for Dad.
That got to me to thinking (it was a strange drive home) about the fact that even as the sun was still in my sky, it was high in Mums. Which led me down the path of would I somehow know when Mum had passed. We are more connected than we sometimes think. The sun makes it seem like a small world.
I also noticed, before I was pulled over, that I was about 40% above the speed limit... apparently I can't think these thoughts and maintain a safe limit. I was already to tell my sunbeam, distracted by my Mum's illness story should I be pulled over by our fine law enforcers.
But is there more to it than that? I am in no way prone to thoughts of what comes beyond this life but I found out later in the evening that Mum has taken a real turn for the worst. Was there a connection or was it pure coincidence? It was impactful though.
She has a lung infection that they can't get on top of. She is not getting in enough oxygen so her heart started to pump the blood through faster in a bid to get more oxygen where it was needed. It sent her blood pressure sky rocketing. She has not eaten in days. They are not feeding her because to do so would also be to feed the infection. It's a real balancing act between ensuring she has what she needs and trying to kill the bad guys.
Dad says that the cancer has really increased in size over the past three weeks. It is now in more organs. She's having trouble swallowing. It's all moving very quickly but noone can really tell us what that means... hours, days or weeks. No point talking months any more.
My sister Margaret flew back down yesterday. I am glad she is there - at least Dad will have some support. He is now spending his nights at the hospital...he doesn't want her to be alone at night. Margaret will take turns with him - he will go home to sleep for a few hours every day.
It is so horrible waiting for someone to die. I underestimated how difficult it is to be away from your family during a time like this. While no one wants to see it - the not seeing it is equally as hard. I feel useless. I am so glad Margaret is there for Dad.
posted by Aussieabroad at
6:08 AM
2 Comments:
"It is so horrible waiting for someone to die."
Yes. You don't want her to die -- but she's going to die, and soon, so please let it be quickly and mercifully -- and yet even that thought is disorienting and even obscene because *you don't want your mother to die!*
Been there.
Holding you all in my thoughts.
By
Anonymous, At
1:27 PM
I'm so sorry that you are going thru this right now. I hope sharing it in your blog is therapuetic.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
sincerely,
By
Lisa Williams, At
8:43 PM
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