Moving Too Fast

Even as the world turns on its' axis, spinning us through our daily lives, I believe we too spin on our own axis. Spinning a little faster when life demands more of us and slowing down as the pressures ease, but always spinning. Sometimes spinning towards our goals, sometimes spinning away, and at times feeling like we're spinning in one spot. These are the moments where we pause, exhausted from having exerted a monumental amount of energy only to realize we've circled back to the same spot we've been in all along.

I didn't realize how fast I'd been spinning until today when sitting in Starbucks, a grande green tea in hand, I felt myself relax. Not totally but enough to momentarily not feel the chest and upper back pain that had been noticeably present all day. Enough to feel my shoulders lower an inch or two. Enough to lose myself in the music that played a little too loudly. It allowed me not to think. To just be.

I haven't been able to do this in a very long time, relax that is. My world has been spinning way too fast and I haven't had the energy or awareness to get off and stand still.

What's causing this frantic, endless spin?

1. A father in hospital having undergone his third surgery in three weeks. A father who is deeply depressed. A father who is unable to eat - scar tissue is blocking his intestines and not letting food through. They will not try to remove it. A father with whom I am just beginning to rebuild a relationship after many years of indifference. A father who lives on the other side of the world

2. A mother who has an unknown amount of time left. A mother who, even as she deals with her own chemotherapy, is having to look after Dad and run the business. A business she withdrew from as she became ill. A mother who holds our small dysfunctional family together.

3. A teenage son. A son who cares for no one but himself. A son who manipulates his way into being give 2nd, 3rd, 4th...1001st chances only to let me down. A son who has made me realize that I am not as capable or emotionally stable as I always prided myself to be. He brings out my best (compassion) and worst. I care too much. It causes me nothing but stress. I can no longer find joy in this child. It me makes me ashamed.

4. My upcoming surgery. I'm obsessed. I'm excited. I'm stressed at what may lie beyond surgery. Will I have the emotional fortitude to cope with life's challenges without being able to self medicate with food?

These are the biggies - add in the normal process of life like getting all kids to where the need to be, feeding a family, being a wife and a valued employee etc. I feel like the world is spinning out of control.

Taking this unplanned break by myself has made me realize how important ME time is. No apologies for taking time for myself. A chance to reflect, refresh and relax.

My goal for this month: build and protect me ME time in my life.