Avoidance

When I'm not eating well I avoid the scale. Apparently when life is out of control I avoid recording it. I have been neglectful of this blog - of recording what it bothering me and maybe coming to terms with it. In other words, maybe if I don't say it it won't be true.

This avoidance strategy is what allows me to cope. With so much going on in my world right now I need to be able to compartmentalize each element in order to survive. If for a second I thought about the enormity of what I am facing as a whole I am afraid that I wouldn't be able to cope. That I would lose myself completely.

Meladramatic... maybe. Very real... definitely.

Last week my husband let me know that he wanted out of the marriage. He can't deal with the conflict. Not ours but the conflict I have with the boys. He holds me responsible for not giving up on the 13year old and sending him back to his Mom... he is/was the main driver of the conflict.

This is not the first time that my husband has done this - in fact it is the fourth during our time together. This time I am not fighting it. The thought of having my daughter away from me while she spends time with her dad makes me sick to my stomach. But she loves her dad and I am not willing to sacrifice that. Every kid needs to be loved by and interact with both parents, all other things being equal.

We are doing nothing until the school year ends. He's sleeping on the sofa. I am sleeping alone. He will support me through my surgery and recovery. Then we'll make plans.

Me - when I allow myself to think about it, it makes me sad. Not because I will be losing a husband, I think I lost him a long time ago, but because the kids will be losing a family. I have seen the havoc that this has played with the boys. The animosity between their mom and dad. Pulling the boys into it. The nastiness. I do not want them to go through it again, and I definitely do not want my daughter to go through that...ever.

I will not bad mouth her dad in front of her, I will not have her carry my messages to him, I will not make her feel bad because of my perception of any shortcomings I may feel that her dad has. I will not destroy her little world any further than the destruction that a separation and divorce will bring.

So there you have it... and yes it does make it more real by writing it. I am looking at this as a new beginning. If I am to be lonely then I would rather do it when I'm alone. There is nothing quite as sad as being lonely when you're with someone. I will be ok. I am ok. My concern and my focus is on my daughter. I am strong enough to get through this for me. I need to be strong enough so that she can come through this secure in the knowledge that she is loved and supported.

New beginnings can be scary, exciting, sad, overwhelming, refreshing and hopeful. My life's path is taking me on a journey that is all those things. I am hopeful. Hopeful that I can find a level of good health, hopeful that I can protect my daughter, hopeful that we all find the happiness we deserve. I want this for my husband, for the boys, for my daughter and for me.