Mum's CA19-9

In two weeks the cancer count has more than doubled to 2539. This is not good. It's typical of the exponential growth that goes with active tumour growth. She is having a scan today and then visits the oncologist tomorrow.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

This is my worst nightmare. When I made the choice to leave Australia 13 years ago my parents were young and healthy. In the back of my mind however I always had the "what if" question. What if something went wrong? What if one something happened to either my parents or my sisters? What if?

Well that what if is happening now. I feel helpless. I know I couldn't change anything if I was there but being so far away means that I can't be there to support either of my parents through what will inevitably come.

And what will come? Pain. Lots of it as the tumours grow and press on nerve endings. Weakness. Death. For mum it'll mean the physical erosion of who she is today. It'll mean the mental anguish of leaving behind her husband who she knows will face his own challenges in the not too distant future. It means the sadness of knowing you will never see your children or grandchildren again. This is what I find hardest. I look at Ms 8 and cannot imagine the pain of not ever seeing her again. Even typing it I feel a tight grip on my heart. It's that physical. I know that's how Mum feels about us.

Can you imagine what she's going through. She, like us, has known about this for a couple of years now but even through all the chemo it has never seemed fully real. Her cancer count was stable for a long time. Now there is no denying. She must be going through all those emotions that she felt when she first heard the C word.

I'm not a praying person but I hope that if there is a god that he has mercy on her. That he makes her final journey a quick one. As comfortable as she can be.

I know this is a morbid post but I need to type it out. I am not ready to talk it out yet. The words are too hard to say. I'm going to put Ms 8 to bed and then I'm going to call Mum. I need to hear her voice.