Today I ate...

The goal of the DS is to eat a significant amount of protein... this is typically where I start when I am reframing my eating plan.

In no way do I intend to use this blog to track my eating but if you're interested in what a typical DS diet consists of

Breakfast

3/4 BBQ Chicken Breast (who said breakfast must  = eggs)
Spcial K shake (there are better options but these were on hand)

Snack:

Oikos greek yoghurt...love the keylime flavour

Lunch:

Salad made with

Avacado
Sundried tomotoes
Red peppers
Chicken breast
Home made bacon bits
Spinach
Enoki mushrooms
Mango Chipolte dressing

All I can say is yum, yum and more yum.

Dinner

2 homemade tacos with cheese and refried beans...

I no longer prescribe to the concept that some foods are for certain times of the day only. As long as my body gets what it needs and I am enjoying it... I'm good.

The Gift of the Duodenal Switch

Weight loss surgery, like many other transformational decisions in life, is not a decision to be made lightly. Surgery, any surgery, changes your life forever. In my case it changed the basic way that I digest and absorb food. The sheer mechanics of my DS means that I do not absorb fat or protein easily (nor the associated vitamins) and it also means that carbs are more easily absorbed - yes, sugar is still an enemy.

When I reflect back on the last 6 years - I have learned a few things

1. If I want my DS to fail all I need to do is eat simple carbs - and lots of them. If you can survive the gassy impact that will cause your weight will go up.
2. If you do not eat enough of the right foods your blood count will be impacted. This is a slow process - there is often no immediate sign that your body is missing something it needs for health. Quite often the first sign is when you have a serious problem on your hands. My vitamin D (fat soluble) is in the toilet.
3. The DS is a weight loss solution - not a self esteem or head issue solution. This is huge...most of us aren't fat because of the food, we're fat because of the way we use food... its a self chosen action thing and yet many of us do not either know why we are doing or, and I think I fell into this field, know how to not do it. Food became the answer  - to questions that didn't require food.
4. The DS is an amazing tool. The moment, and I mean moment, you start to do the things that you know will help you be healthy (given the parameters of the DS) you will lose weight. In the last four days I have eaten more than I normally would, I feel better than I have in a long time AND I lost 5.5lbs. The weight loss will not continue at this rate but it's heartening to see.

Key to all of this though is the head issues. Stress management, comfort...whatever the need of choice... will ultimately not be found in a food item. What is different for me this time around is I am different. Older for sure. Wiser, I hope but more importantly at peace with myself and my choices. I have given myself permission to put myself first. Many will not understand this, it's common sense right? Well for me it wasn't. My worth was too closely tied to the desire to care for others... I didn't equate self care as part of that process. Isn't it selfish after all to take time away from the family to go to the gym, to cook what you liked, to take some quiet time to re-energise? It's taken me 48 years to get to this point...re-engaging with the gift of my DS is part of that process.

A few days ago I stood on the scale for the first time in a really long time. My weight had gone up from the last time I checked but refreshingly I did not feel the need to go down the path of self blame. It is what it is - my choices suited me at the time. I am in a place to make better choices.

I am excited for the journey. I have a new vision... fabulous at 50. This refers to every area of my life... my health is simply my starting point.

Out of the silence...

It's hard to believe that it's been over 4 years since I've blogged last. The answer to "why?" is easy and complex at the same time. The easy answer is "life took over" and a valid answer at that...isn't that what we all want? As an overweight person my greatest wish was to de-emphasise the weight issue, to be normal...where food is for sustenance and weight is not the primary reason for choosing or eating it.

The more complex answer is that old habits die hard... with a side of self awareness thrown in that has helped me to understand that self worth, success, weight and life are intricately linked. My choices in life have been very much about not valuing myself the same way in which I value others.

So why come back now? As part of my ongoing educational journey I recently completed my Graduate Certificate in Executive Coaching. I entered the course for very functional reasons and instead found my passion, and in doing so started to understand myself.

The bottom line for me is - if I am to be an effective Executive Coach  I need to be able to walk the same journey I am asking my clients to walk for themselves. In making that commitment I have come full circle and back to this blog.

I am also struggling with my health. None of it DS related (spinal stenosis and degenerative disc disease) but the last 6 months have been a real wake up call for me. Through my pain haze I've come to realize that unless I take ownership of me, my health and my own well being then I am on a path that will take me to a very sad and very painful future. I do not want that for myself and for those I love.

Reinvigorating my commitment to my DS and to being a healthier weight is part of my "solution"... and only part. This journey is not just about weight, it's about well being. That encompasses my body, by mind and my relationships. It's probably the most complex project I have taken on but it is all part of my "fantastic and fifty" plan. I have 18 months before I reach the milestone of being half a century old... that 18 months is a gift I am determined not to squander.

As I would ask my coaching clients... "what does great look like for you"... "what do you see in 18 months?"...

In 18 months I will be eating to fuel my body  and not  my emotions. I will be in healthy productive relationships with those that mean most to me. I will weigh less - at least 60lbs less - and I will laugh often. I will be coaching more than I am leading. I will do things that make me happy. I will dance in the rain. I will stop to smell the roses and I will love where I live. I will live true to my passions.

That is my vision for me.

This blog will become a record of that journey - it will be about weight, it will be about mind, it will be about growth...and most of all it will be about living a fantastic life.

Step 1: Assess the current state - only then will I be able to work out exactly what I need to do.
- get blood work done
- weigh myself
- redo my foundational document (assessment process created by Coaching Out of The Box...well worth the effort)
Step 2: Develop a plan
Step 3: Live it
Step 4: Celebrate it.

Simple right?

I am excited, scared and ready, all rolled into one. It's time.

235lbs

Despite my gas inducing experience I have managed to stay fairly true to the eating plan of a Dser. Lots and lots of protein, nuts, an apple or two and my beloved high fat, high protein Starbucks coffees. The weight is definitely moving in the right direction.

I am under no false illusion of keeping up at this pace - this current pace is purely reflective of the first days of dieting. The body does good. The mind does good. The next few weeks will be the telling ones. Those first days that the scale moves up (and I know it will). Those first days when the scale doesn't move at all. These interruptions were always a challenge in my pre Dser, perpetual dieting days. They don't play with my mind as much these days but it'll be interesting to see since this is the first time since my DS that I have had to truly "restrict" myself.

Holy Gas Batman...

Alrighty that wasn't fun.

I said I would share the good bad and ugly. Last night definitely fell into the ugly. This post was actually yesterday...

Yesterday started off well but spiraled quickly into a carb fest of little self control. What amazed me was the depth of the "body" payback. I have had far far worse days in the last 9 months but it would seem that a few days of clean living followed by a trip to sugarville just doesn't work for me.

My first reaction was an attack of the "foamies". I haven't really experienced that since the early months of post op. I'm thinking the orange juice played a part but most likely it was tied in closely to eating too much at one sitting.

But the real payback came last night. I thought my body was going to explode with the gas that simply did not want to escape. Contrary to popular belief this was not the much talked about "smelly" gas often linked to the DS procedure - it was simply gas. Lots of it. Painful, I want to rip my body apart, type of gas. I ended up sleeping on the sofa so I could easily make it to the washroom on time. I probably didn't need to do that but I'm not one to just trust that it may only be gas... I was up essentially from 12.30am to 6.15ish when I finally called it quits and started the day.

The reaction took me by surprise. I am very happy to never eat a donut again after that experience. Today its back on the protein and fat. I feel better. Tired thanks to a lack of sleep but better.

All Things Work... The Update

It's hard to believe that I have been at my current company for nearly 18 months... this week it would have been my 2 year anniversary of being downsized out of the big C. Looking back, I can still say that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I love where I am. I have a deep and abiding belief in what we are trying to achieve as a company. I see myself as part of the solution which is both exciting and scary.

But it hasn't been all roses. Like many companies, we have been deeply impacted by the economic woes of the world. A month ago I had to tell 12 of my team that they no longer had jobs. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my professional career but it is a decision that I support. The company made a difficult decision in the interest of survival and that has my respect. We did what we had to do with the dignity of those impacted in mind. I don't know what was hardest - telling people that they could go home or seeing the sympathy in their eyes.

As you can imagine the 6 weeks of planning that went into this event created a new layer of stress that I was not well prepared for. I didn't realize the toll it took until it was done. It took me nearly a full month to be able to say that I feel like myself again.

Now I see a time of hope and growth. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?

Moving down

Yesterday was a day of protein, fat and a few carbs. Add in a stack load of water (I had forgotten what it was like to need to pee so much!) and the result is...

237lbs.

Yes it's water weight but I'll take it. 17lbs over the last time I checked is so much better than 21lbs over!

Today will be a real test for me. It's been a long time since I've stayed away from the vending machines at work. A really long time.

All Things Children... The Update

Let's start with the good and move down from there...

Ms 9 is doing fabulously well. She loves school and as has been her practice she excels at it. It's not just about the grades (more on this momentarily) it's about her sense of community and involvement. She participates in everything ranging from choir to the "eco club". She stays behind after school to help the teacher. She peer mentors her fellow classmates in subjects that she is strong in. She just loves being a part of it all. As part of the grade 4 ability testing, Ms 9 has been identified as gifted. In fact she scored well enough in the two tests to qualify her to be a member of Mensa. Let's just hope that she doesn't ever decide to use her brains for evil! Next month we will be going on a school visit to see if we want to enroll her in a gifted contained classroom at another school. It means moving her from her friends and all that is familiar. It however provides her with the opportunity to be challenged in a way that she is not now. She would be with 17 - 20 other 10 year olds with similar ability. I am leaning towards changing schools... we will see.

Mr 15 is the same infuriating self centred little guy that he's been for the past three years but he has moments where I see light. The glimpses are few and far between but they are there and I'm hanging onto those in the belief that at some point in time there will be more light and less dark. He is not an academic but does do well when he decides he either likes a subject, likes a teacher or has to do a minimal amount of work to pass a class. He has decided he wants to be a drama teacher. We will see... currently he is scraping in with a C- average but given that is higher than his much more capable older brother I can't say too much.

Which brings me to Mr 17. He is currently dating a very young 15 yr old. Nice enough girl but as you can imagine much concern from all parental types around the nearly 3 yr age difference. I am sure that Mr 17 is hoping that this relationship will become sexual in nature, we are hoping that it won't. Shaking my head. He is the proud non-acheiver currently sporting a resounding D average. This is the same guy that was on the honour roll in grade 8. Sigh. The good news is that he did get himself a part-time job which he has managed to hold since July of last year. We'll ignore the fact that he really would prefer not to be working there and gives away shifts a little too readily. Another sigh. He is planning a loser lap of grade 12. He says he will do better. All I hear, the same I've heard for the last 4 years, is blah blah blah. I'm so proud...

Is it all bad. No. Is it all good. Hell no. I hate when I see potential being pissed away. I hate it in myself. I hate it in my kids.

241.2

Not the reason I am back, although perhaps it should be, but more a sign that I am ready to deal with life again. My life.

Today I stood on the scale. Today I cared enough to do so. Yesterday I ate like a DSer should do. It felt good. I feel good. It's been one hell of a ride.

So where the heck have I been? I don't know how to fully explain it other than to say that I needed to just get through life. I didn't want to look too deeply.

Mum's death has had an incredible impact and I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. I gave myself permission to do that so I could continue to deal with work, with teenagers, with a husband and with myself. By not dealing with it I didn't have to delve into the incredibly painful emotions. But what I also discovered is that by not dealing with it, the fragile coping mechanisms I had been building up as life of a post op DSer crumbled. They couldn't withstand the profound sense of loss that I was trying to bury and I reverted to the old and true. Stupid. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I have been making poor choices for nearly 9 months. My weight reflects that but more importantly my mood reflected that. I have forgotten how to laugh. I was afraid to let joy in. Wow... this is the first time I have articulated this. The power of the blog.

I have missed my writing terribly but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Seeing the words was just too..,naked. I tried. I wrote drafts and then never posted. I wrote a couple of emails that never made the cut and paste. I wasn't able to share largely because it countered my need to bury. While it served it's purpose I think there's been a heavy price. My health is obviously one. I didn't feel good eating the way I was and yet I continued to do so. My family. I have not been able to give freely of myself and that has had an obvious impact. This really came out at Christmas time when hubby struggled with what to get me. He didn't know who I was anymore were the words. I didn't blame him. I think I lost myself for a while there.

So am I back for real? I hope so. I want to focus on my health and I am hopeful that the weightloss will start again.

I am 2 years 3 months post surgery. This will be an exercise to see if the wonderful tool called the Duodenal Switch still works. I have no doubt that it is thanks to the DS that I didn't post much higher numbers in the title line. The question is now that my stomach has stretched back to normal (resulting in little or no restriction) will the malabsorption serve me if I do the right things?

I will track my progress along with what I am doing to make it work/fail. Not only will it allow me to take some accountability but maybe it will serve to help another DSer who has fallen off the tracks. I fell and I fell hard but I do not feel broken, and with that I feel ready to pick myself up and dust myself off.

Wish me luck.

Transformational

More on where I've been the last month (OMG it's been a month!) shortly but I've had something on my mind that I need to write down. I need to be able to look at it and "see it". I'm a visual learner in the most stereotypical kind of ways.

Life is short.

It has to be one of the most common, most used and yet most overlooked statements known to mankind. Life is short. The words just don't do it justice. Even saying it slowly, placing emphasis on each word as if they were a statement in their own right, does nothing to truly express the enormity of what these words are saying.

We, as human beings, have a limited time on this earth. None of us knows exactly how long we have and yet each day we make decisions about how we use each minute, each hour, that we have available to us. A few of these decisions are mindful ones where we truly think through the consequences of the decision we are contemplating but for the most part we make decisions by rote, not even aware that a decision is being made.

We spend more time on dealing with the immediate moment than time on the things that bring us joy, pleasure or fulfilment. We are so busy doing what we think we have to do that we lose sight of the fact that life is short.

I don't want my life to be a series of little decisions that are designed to get me through the day. I don't want my life to be filled with reactive battles that drain the soul and with it my capacity to find joy. I don't just want to be.

I want my life and the things that I do to be transformational. I don't mean that I want to necessarily do something huge that changes the world in one blinding swoop but I do need to know that the little things I do on a daily basis are meaningful. That they have the power to transform... one little bit at a time. I want to make a difference. In my life. In the life of the people that I love. As a corporate citizen. As a human being.

No, I'm not having a mid life crisis (I think) but I do feel like I'm having an awakening of sorts. I'm starting to really think about what I do in a day. I am starting to question whether my efforts are having the maximum potential impact. Life is short. I only have so many days on this earth to make a difference. Is reading 150 emails a day how I am going to best serve the needs of my company or is creating the ideal learning environment going to allow me to do that? Is battling the ever selfish, ever stupid 14 year old going to help him be a better person or is it time that I let lifes consequences help him discover those lessons for himself? I am not saying that one is right over the other but in order to have the opportunity to do transformational things I believe that decisions need to become more mindful.

We live in a reactive world. We react to time pressures, deadline pressures, peer pressure, kid pressure, spouse pressure. We react to pressure. Very few people make sound decisions under constant pressure. We become reactive where we would benefit most if we could be mindful. Mindful is the basic stepping stone to transformational.

My goal for myself is to become more mindful. To be aware of the decisions that I make. To focus on those things where I can be most impactful. Positively impactful. Whether I make the leap to transformational I will leave for those that write my eulogy to decide but I want to be fully in the moment as I seek to make the journey to that point.