The weary traveler returns

It's amazing how 1 day turns into 2 turns into 3 and all of a sudden you haven't written for 3 weeks. This is the longest time I haven't written and it's pretty much symptomatic of how I deal with life. When I am not in control I go into hiding.

Don't get me wrong - most parts of life are great.

My job is definitely keeping me on my toes. All day I make decisions that push our company in the direction that we need to go. All day I am responsible for the working lives of 63 people. My decisions have immediate impact which can be all reverberating. I make decisions about direction. About strategy. About people. It comes with a lot of responsibility which I take seriously. I have to.

At home I am the central cog. I am the one the spins around so that the others around me spin. It is my responsibility, assumed or given, to ensure that my family is fed, that clothes are clean, that each person is where they need to be every day. Add that to the workload of my job and I pretty much make big, and small, decisions all day. There are real ramifications, big and small, if I screw up. I am ok with that.

But what I seem to have trouble with is making the decisions I need to make for myself. It is like I have nothing left to give. I do make the decision to take my supplements. The ramification of not taking them scares the crap out of me. That's where my diligence ends. I eat too many carbs. I drink too little water. I get too little sleep. I get too little exercise. I have not lost weight in four months... or is it five? I feel ok but I am stuck. I am disheartened beyond belief and yet I am not taking control... I need to have an area of my life where I do not have to have that level of control and this is the one area where I truly hurt noone but myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my decision making was that calculated and lucid, I don't think I've ever thought of it in that manner until now... reflecting on what can be driving this stupidity it's the only thing I can think of... I need to be allowed to be a little irresponsible.

Maybe that's what I need. I need to find something that I can let go of. Something that doesn't need me to 'drive' it. Something that will allow me to refocus and be a little selfish for me. My boss, or now peer, runs. She's dedicated and hardworking. She has a family. She travels as much as I do. But each day she gets up and runs. During this time she takes that time to centre herself and I think she benefits greatly from it. Not only does she look great but she has a peace within her that I seem to have lost. I will never run (and I mean never) but I obviously need to find something that will give me that sense of focus that doesn't result in resentment of needing to be in control.

I'm babbling. I am really trying to 'type' my way through what is a really confusing time in my weight loss journey. I'm not sure if it is still a journey or whether I have truly come to an end... in which case the posts that follow will need to be about redefining who and what I am beyond someone who blogs about her weight loss surgery.

From somewhere, and right now I have no idea where, I have to find the inner strength to take control. I don't know whether I can... or whether I want to. The latter is my worse fear. Lack of ability is one thing, lack of will is a character flaw in my eyes. It scares me more.