Out of Sorts

I'm having one of those out of sorts, can't get it together, nothing feels quite right kind of days. Melancholy probably describes it best. Why? I'm not quite sure but I have a couple of non connected thoughts floating around in this under taxed mind of mine that I thought I would explore.

Yesterday was the first day back at school for the kids and first day back at work for hubby after our two week vacation. Each came home with stories of their day. Ms 8 was hilarious. As she walked through the door I got a sentence of no less than ten observations strung together with the almighty "and". Mr 14 seems to have enjoyed his first day of high school. He is a social creature and thankfully has a friend in each of his four classes this semester. This will help him to settle in well. Hubby was full of news and plans. Me... well, I returned the two DVD players and I got stuck in traffic, and I found some Webkins charms for my friend Meredith (this was actually fun... thrill of the hunt and all that). But I had no one to talk to about my vacation. There was no long chats catching up on what had happened in the office while I was gone. There was no sense of someone being pleased to see me. Does that make sense? I truly miss the social aspect of work. Despite the fact that I spent upwards of 6 hours a day on conference calls on some days, there was always someone to share a smile with. Or someone to say hello to when I needed to stretch my legs. I miss that. Terribly. I miss my colleagues. Patsy, Sandi, Lee, Kathy, Greg, Karri, Juliet, Jean, June, Juanita...plus countless more. I miss them all.

I am waiting to hear about the job I interviewed for nearly three weeks ago. At the final interview I knew it would be about 2 weeks before they would have the chance to come together as a team to discuss the outcome of the interviews. But the longer it goes the more fearful I become. It's an uneasiness that is invading my daily life. I'm finding it hard not to think about it. It is keeping me up...even with so little sleep last night I can not "switch it off" today to nap. I am starting to doubt myself and my ability to get a job. This frightens me terribly. The severance package is finite. At some point I need to work whether I want to or not. And I do want to. More than I could have possibly known without going through this experience.

I am finding it hard to think 'future'. To make commitments. My kids are all signed up for their roster of activities. Mr 16 will hopefully soon be gainfully employed. Hubby is hiring. His position is being upgraded. There are plans for his future that are a direct result of the contributions he's been able to make (I am so proud of him). I don't know what I'm doing next so find it hard to commit to stuff now. I feel like I'm in limbo which is adding to this spreading melancholy.

Limbo also describes how I feel about where I am at with my weight loss I guess. It is not as pervasive a dissatisfier as some of the other things I've mentioned but I'm not happy with this slow down. How much of it is normal and how much of it is directly related to what I'm doing? I don't know. I have not been great with the carbs so that certainly may be a contributing factor. I've cut most out as of today so we'll see if that does the trick to get things chugging along at a slightly more acceptable pace. This could, however, just be a genuine slow down. My body taking a time out from the weight loss before moving on to hopefully more loss. It's hard to tell. Each day into the journey is uncharted territory. I have never been 9 months 5 days post op before so it's continuously new... I'm still learning.

So there ya have it. Good thing I can eat copious amounts of cheese with this whine... cheese is my friend.

I need to find a way to grab hold of my apathy and move on... if anyone out there has any suggestions all would be welcome.