Who am I?

As I lay on the sofa this morning feeling self pity at levels above what my first cold since surgery would normally warrant I realized that this was not about the stuffed head or the perpetually runny nose. It wasn't even about the lack of sleep or the general feeling of "aarrggghhh".

I don't know who I am.

We define ourselves in so many ways. I am a mom. I am a wife. I am a daughter. I am a friend. I am a senior manager. Oh wait. No I'm not... I'm unemployed.

My world is out of balance and it's impacted my ability (or maybe will) to perform at the best that I can be. The mix of who I am, and the ratio of my time that I put into each of those rolest is being redefined. You would think that with this gift of time,that I would focus more on the roles that had taken a back seat to my role as an employee. But that's not the case. I am doing less. Not more, not equal, definitely less. And it doesn't feel good.

It's not like I'm relaxing. I always have stuff on my mind that takes away the ability to relax

- should find a job
- should clean my house
- should paint the bathroom
- should declutter and prepare for the lawn sale
- should get into an exercise routine
- should put a special effort into reconnecting with the people I care most about... some have really suffered as I've gone into my manlike cave
- should do some volunteer work
- should should should

Don't get me wrong... it's not like I've done nothing but I feel like I haven't done enough. I am wasting a good chunk of every day. I am wasting this opportunity that has been given to me. Why?

I don't know. Maybe fear? I've touched on this before. In the back of my mind I wonder if I am holding myself back so that when/if I have trouble finding a job I can protect myself? Maybe laziness? Yes I can be lazy but it doesn't feel like that. Maybe I enjoy being at home? The answer to that is no. I do not. I feel rudderless. I feel like I've lost my sense of direction. Working gave me the structure I needed to be a productive member of our society.

Maybe that's it. I need the pressure of deadlines to kick into gear. It was certainly true at work, and it was true when I was at school. I did my best work at the last minute. It was then that I could cut through the crap and produce a piece of work that had the markings of brilliance. Right now I have no real deadlines. Brilliance is long gone.

No matter what the reason, the reality is that I am feeling lost. I am just now starting to mourn what I have lost. Not just the job but the person I have lost over the years. I need to find her again. I liked her but she has long been locked away like an embarrassing cousin no body speaks about. I need to find me again. I need to find a way to reach out of this black hole of apathy to get my life back on track. I need to feel a sense of pride in what I have achieved. I don't need others to tell me that I've done good... I just need to feel it. Right now I do not.

So... time to move on from the analysis to the problem solving and then onto implementation. I need to approach this as a project. I need to be productive. I need to add value. I need to find me.