Life's a journey - Let's Switch it Up!

235lbs

2009-02-20T14:31:00.002-05:00

Despite my gas inducing experience I have managed to stay fairly true to the eating plan of a Dser. Lots and lots of protein, nuts, an apple or two and my beloved high fat, high protein Starbucks coffees. The weight is definitely moving in the right direction.

I am under no false illusion of keeping up at this pace - this current pace is purely reflective of the first days of dieting. The body does good. The mind does good. The next few weeks will be the telling ones. Those first days that the scale moves up (and I know it will). Those first days when the scale doesn't move at all. These interruptions were always a challenge in my pre Dser, perpetual dieting days. They don't play with my mind as much these days but it'll be interesting to see since this is the first time since my DS that I have had to truly "restrict" myself.

Holy Gas Batman...

2009-02-20T14:29:00.001-05:00

Alrighty that wasn't fun.

I said I would share the good bad and ugly. Last night definitely fell into the ugly. This post was actually yesterday...

Yesterday started off well but spiraled quickly into a carb fest of little self control. What amazed me was the depth of the "body" payback. I have had far far worse days in the last 9 months but it would seem that a few days of clean living followed by a trip to sugarville just doesn't work for me.

My first reaction was an attack of the "foamies". I haven't really experienced that since the early months of post op. I'm thinking the orange juice played a part but most likely it was tied in closely to eating too much at one sitting.

But the real payback came last night. I thought my body was going to explode with the gas that simply did not want to escape. Contrary to popular belief this was not the much talked about "smelly" gas often linked to the DS procedure - it was simply gas. Lots of it. Painful, I want to rip my body apart, type of gas. I ended up sleeping on the sofa so I could easily make it to the washroom on time. I probably didn't need to do that but I'm not one to just trust that it may only be gas... I was up essentially from 12.30am to 6.15ish when I finally called it quits and started the day.

The reaction took me by surprise. I am very happy to never eat a donut again after that experience. Today its back on the protein and fat. I feel better. Tired thanks to a lack of sleep but better.

All Things Work... The Update

2009-02-17T21:49:00.002-05:00

It's hard to believe that I have been at my current company for nearly 18 months... this week it would have been my 2 year anniversary of being downsized out of the big C. Looking back, I can still say that it was one of the best things that ever happened to me.

I love where I am. I have a deep and abiding belief in what we are trying to achieve as a company. I see myself as part of the solution which is both exciting and scary.

But it hasn't been all roses. Like many companies, we have been deeply impacted by the economic woes of the world. A month ago I had to tell 12 of my team that they no longer had jobs. It was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do in my professional career but it is a decision that I support. The company made a difficult decision in the interest of survival and that has my respect. We did what we had to do with the dignity of those impacted in mind. I don't know what was hardest - telling people that they could go home or seeing the sympathy in their eyes.

As you can imagine the 6 weeks of planning that went into this event created a new layer of stress that I was not well prepared for. I didn't realize the toll it took until it was done. It took me nearly a full month to be able to say that I feel like myself again.

Now I see a time of hope and growth. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger right?

Moving down

2009-02-17T07:30:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was a day of protein, fat and a few carbs. Add in a stack load of water (I had forgotten what it was like to need to pee so much!) and the result is...

237lbs.

Yes it's water weight but I'll take it. 17lbs over the last time I checked is so much better than 21lbs over!

Today will be a real test for me. It's been a long time since I've stayed away from the vending machines at work. A really long time.

All Things Children... The Update

2009-02-16T11:59:00.004-05:00

Let's start with the good and move down from there...

Ms 9 is doing fabulously well. She loves school and as has been her practice she excels at it. It's not just about the grades (more on this momentarily) it's about her sense of community and involvement. She participates in everything ranging from choir to the "eco club". She stays behind after school to help the teacher. She peer mentors her fellow classmates in subjects that she is strong in. She just loves being a part of it all. As part of the grade 4 ability testing, Ms 9 has been identified as gifted. In fact she scored well enough in the two tests to qualify her to be a member of Mensa. Let's just hope that she doesn't ever decide to use her brains for evil! Next month we will be going on a school visit to see if we want to enroll her in a gifted contained classroom at another school. It means moving her from her friends and all that is familiar. It however provides her with the opportunity to be challenged in a way that she is not now. She would be with 17 - 20 other 10 year olds with similar ability. I am leaning towards changing schools... we will see.

Mr 15 is the same infuriating self centred little guy that he's been for the past three years but he has moments where I see light. The glimpses are few and far between but they are there and I'm hanging onto those in the belief that at some point in time there will be more light and less dark. He is not an academic but does do well when he decides he either likes a subject, likes a teacher or has to do a minimal amount of work to pass a class. He has decided he wants to be a drama teacher. We will see... currently he is scraping in with a C- average but given that is higher than his much more capable older brother I can't say too much.

Which brings me to Mr 17. He is currently dating a very young 15 yr old. Nice enough girl but as you can imagine much concern from all parental types around the nearly 3 yr age difference. I am sure that Mr 17 is hoping that this relationship will become sexual in nature, we are hoping that it won't. Shaking my head. He is the proud non-acheiver currently sporting a resounding D average. This is the same guy that was on the honour roll in grade 8. Sigh. The good news is that he did get himself a part-time job which he has managed to hold since July of last year. We'll ignore the fact that he really would prefer not to be working there and gives away shifts a little too readily. Another sigh. He is planning a loser lap of grade 12. He says he will do better. All I hear, the same I've heard for the last 4 years, is blah blah blah. I'm so proud...

Is it all bad. No. Is it all good. Hell no. I hate when I see potential being pissed away. I hate it in myself. I hate it in my kids.

241.2

2009-02-16T11:22:00.003-05:00

Not the reason I am back, although perhaps it should be, but more a sign that I am ready to deal with life again. My life.

Today I stood on the scale. Today I cared enough to do so. Yesterday I ate like a DSer should do. It felt good. I feel good. It's been one hell of a ride.

So where the heck have I been? I don't know how to fully explain it other than to say that I needed to just get through life. I didn't want to look too deeply.

Mum's death has had an incredible impact and I have dealt with it by not dealing with it. I gave myself permission to do that so I could continue to deal with work, with teenagers, with a husband and with myself. By not dealing with it I didn't have to delve into the incredibly painful emotions. But what I also discovered is that by not dealing with it, the fragile coping mechanisms I had been building up as life of a post op DSer crumbled. They couldn't withstand the profound sense of loss that I was trying to bury and I reverted to the old and true. Stupid. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted. I have been making poor choices for nearly 9 months. My weight reflects that but more importantly my mood reflected that. I have forgotten how to laugh. I was afraid to let joy in. Wow... this is the first time I have articulated this. The power of the blog.

I have missed my writing terribly but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Seeing the words was just too..,naked. I tried. I wrote drafts and then never posted. I wrote a couple of emails that never made the cut and paste. I wasn't able to share largely because it countered my need to bury. While it served it's purpose I think there's been a heavy price. My health is obviously one. I didn't feel good eating the way I was and yet I continued to do so. My family. I have not been able to give freely of myself and that has had an obvious impact. This really came out at Christmas time when hubby struggled with what to get me. He didn't know who I was anymore were the words. I didn't blame him. I think I lost myself for a while there.

So am I back for real? I hope so. I want to focus on my health and I am hopeful that the weightloss will start again.

I am 2 years 3 months post surgery. This will be an exercise to see if the wonderful tool called the Duodenal Switch still works. I have no doubt that it is thanks to the DS that I didn't post much higher numbers in the title line. The question is now that my stomach has stretched back to normal (resulting in little or no restriction) will the malabsorption serve me if I do the right things?

I will track my progress along with what I am doing to make it work/fail. Not only will it allow me to take some accountability but maybe it will serve to help another DSer who has fallen off the tracks. I fell and I fell hard but I do not feel broken, and with that I feel ready to pick myself up and dust myself off.

Wish me luck.

Transformational

2008-08-29T21:50:00.002-04:00

More on where I've been the last month (OMG it's been a month!) shortly but I've had something on my mind that I need to write down. I need to be able to look at it and "see it". I'm a visual learner in the most stereotypical kind of ways.

Life is short.

It has to be one of the most common, most used and yet most overlooked statements known to mankind. Life is short. The words just don't do it justice. Even saying it slowly, placing emphasis on each word as if they were a statement in their own right, does nothing to truly express the enormity of what these words are saying.

We, as human beings, have a limited time on this earth. None of us knows exactly how long we have and yet each day we make decisions about how we use each minute, each hour, that we have available to us. A few of these decisions are mindful ones where we truly think through the consequences of the decision we are contemplating but for the most part we make decisions by rote, not even aware that a decision is being made.

We spend more time on dealing with the immediate moment than time on the things that bring us joy, pleasure or fulfilment. We are so busy doing what we think we have to do that we lose sight of the fact that life is short.

I don't want my life to be a series of little decisions that are designed to get me through the day. I don't want my life to be filled with reactive battles that drain the soul and with it my capacity to find joy. I don't just want to be.

I want my life and the things that I do to be transformational. I don't mean that I want to necessarily do something huge that changes the world in one blinding swoop but I do need to know that the little things I do on a daily basis are meaningful. That they have the power to transform... one little bit at a time. I want to make a difference. In my life. In the life of the people that I love. As a corporate citizen. As a human being.

No, I'm not having a mid life crisis (I think) but I do feel like I'm having an awakening of sorts. I'm starting to really think about what I do in a day. I am starting to question whether my efforts are having the maximum potential impact. Life is short. I only have so many days on this earth to make a difference. Is reading 150 emails a day how I am going to best serve the needs of my company or is creating the ideal learning environment going to allow me to do that? Is battling the ever selfish, ever stupid 14 year old going to help him be a better person or is it time that I let lifes consequences help him discover those lessons for himself? I am not saying that one is right over the other but in order to have the opportunity to do transformational things I believe that decisions need to become more mindful.

We live in a reactive world. We react to time pressures, deadline pressures, peer pressure, kid pressure, spouse pressure. We react to pressure. Very few people make sound decisions under constant pressure. We become reactive where we would benefit most if we could be mindful. Mindful is the basic stepping stone to transformational.

My goal for myself is to become more mindful. To be aware of the decisions that I make. To focus on those things where I can be most impactful. Positively impactful. Whether I make the leap to transformational I will leave for those that write my eulogy to decide but I want to be fully in the moment as I seek to make the journey to that point.

Weight Update

2008-07-31T22:12:00.003-04:00

Today's weight 220.4lbs

Go figure, a weight post in a blog that was set up to be about weight loss. Would who have thought it?

Yes I finally weighed myself. I was ready. The last 2 months have been head spinning and I really have not focussed on my weight at all. I did weigh myself when I got back from Australia and to my disgust saw 228 something on the scale. I did not actively manage to that - my mind was elsewhere.

This last week though has been better. I have been bringing enough food into work to last me the day which equates to less frantic raids on the snack machines. I have been eating a ton of protein, including two protein shakes a day. This has kept the hunger at bay. I have been good about planning a good mix of salty and sweet to satisfy the taste buds and keep me away from aforementioned snack machines. I have been eating fruit. This one is a new one for me - I was trying to keep away from it because of the high sugar content but who am I kidding - fruit is better than candy! My Chelmsford team sent me a fruit basket and I've been enjoying it immensely.

So am I being a perfect little DSer? No, not really. Am I making better choices, yes. I am also more organized. If the good food is there I will eat well. If not I resort to whatever is on hand because once at work the chances of me getting out to buy a healthy lunch is essentially zero. I cannot get through the day without food. The DS doesn't allow for that.

So for me the 220.4lbs is my new starting point. I do want to see if after 20 months the DS can still act as a weight loss machine for me. I know it still works. If it did not I would be the size of a house again based on some of my eating habits (apparently stress eating is still a huge trigger for me). So I know it's helping me maintain. But can I still lose?

That is the million dollar question and I want to find the answer. My plan, continue making good choices. Throw in some better ones. Move. Simple. In writing anyway ;)

I am pleased about my current weight - it was a nice thing to see on the scales this morning.

What a week

2008-07-25T23:19:00.004-04:00

Before I can bring closure to Mum's passing and resume my regular programming, one last post.

The week has been a mixed one.

On Monday night, shortly after I posted, Ms 9 asked that we all go mini golfing in memory of Oma. You may recall that while we were in Australia that's what Mum wanted to do after a three day stint in hospital. Ms 9 decided that since Oma was now permanently out of the hospital it was the right thing to do. So we did. We headed off to a lovely course down by the lake that Mum had played with us when she was last in Canada. It was a nice way to honor something she enjoyed doing. I hope Ms 9 never loses that thoughtfulness.

Tuesday I took off as a bereavement day but other than running a few errands I mostly napped. I was so tired. The tired associated with a high level stresser being removed from your reality. Waiting for that call on Monday really added a dimension of stress that I hadn't dealt with for a long time. On Tuesday my body took care of itself. Of to work on Wednesday, like nothing had happened.

And then Thursday occurred. I dropped Ms 9 off at camp after a delightful hour of arguing with the charming Mr 14. On the way to work the tears started and I couldn't stop. I could not bring myself to go into work and instead drove to the lake and sat in the car and cried until I fell asleep. I slept there for nearly two hours. I needed to allow myself to feel the sorrow and feel it I did. The day was one of many thoughts... assessing my life, my relationships, my feelings. It was all good and all necessary. I don't cry easily for myself but it was good.

The funeral was Thursday evening our time, Friday morning in Adelaide. Apparently it was lovely. The celebrant did a great job and my sister Margaret read the eulogy that we all had a part in writing. Ms 9 sent a letter to Oma. It was included too. It was taped so at some point I will be able to see it and have reality take over from the imagination... the images created with others words.

The imagination has been the hardest to deal with. My last visual of Mum was at the airport as we left. The words during the past couple of weeks have painted a different picture. One in which she was scared and dying. The last day sounded horrible. The process of death is not always peaceful even though her passing was. So it has left me trying to find closure without the real visual of what happened. And that has been harder than I could have imagined.

In some ways I am very grateful that my visual memory of her will always be a positive one but in some ways I regret that I couldn't "see" the end to allow for the brain to catch up to the reality... does that make sense?

So yesterday was a tough day. Today was better. What I find is that there will be odd moments where she springs into my mind and I can feel the emotions push through. Who would have thought that Lamaze breathing would still come in handy after all these years!

The other thing I must mention before I rein in this stage of my life, is the amazing support I've received.

First and foremost - hubby. He has been a rock... I've seen him in a whole new light this past week.

My boss, my company, my colleagues, my staff. Well wishes, emails, cards, flowers, baskets of goodies... it's been amazing...and real. I am so so lucky.

The people I've met over the years. There are a wonderful group of people that I came to know through pregnancy and the early years of raising Ms. 9... some I "see" regulalry, others I haven't heard from in years but many came out to support me.

The folks that I have got to know through blogging - most who have had weightloss surgery at various times of their lives. This wonderful group of women have supported me through my weight loss journey with advice, with a kick up the butt and always with compassion. Their compassion goes way past the WLS stuff. Thank you.

This blog has been therapeutic for me for a long time but the support and the ability to capture the words has allowed me to deal with a staggering loss. Thank you all, I will be forever in your debt.

I love you Mum

2008-07-21T19:28:00.002-04:00

My Mum passed away peacefully in her sleep about half an hour ago.

A new angel spread it's wings.

I feel... relieved. She is not suffering and knowing that feels good.

Thank you all for your support - you have no idea how much it has helped me when I needed it most.

Please say a prayer

2008-07-21T08:44:00.002-04:00

That the angels make Mum's journey a quick one. The doctors are expecting her to pass within the next 24 hours.

My heart is breaking. I will never hear her voice again...last night was the last time I told her I love her.

Connected?

2008-07-19T06:08:00.003-04:00

Last night as a I was driving along the highway, having just dropped the boys off to visit with their Mom, the most beautiful sight caught my attention. It was a cloudy day and it was around the time that the sun would have started towards setting in the horizon in front of me. Through the clouds there was one large oval spot where the sun was shining through. It reminded me of a religious painting - golden beams reaching out from the darkness. The beams, distinct and glowing, reminded me of conveyor belts and I found myself wondering whether there was a version of ones spirit moving along a conveyor belt towards the "light"... whatever that light represented.

That got to me to thinking (it was a strange drive home) about the fact that even as the sun was still in my sky, it was high in Mums. Which led me down the path of would I somehow know when Mum had passed. We are more connected than we sometimes think. The sun makes it seem like a small world.

I also noticed, before I was pulled over, that I was about 40% above the speed limit... apparently I can't think these thoughts and maintain a safe limit. I was already to tell my sunbeam, distracted by my Mum's illness story should I be pulled over by our fine law enforcers.

But is there more to it than that? I am in no way prone to thoughts of what comes beyond this life but I found out later in the evening that Mum has taken a real turn for the worst. Was there a connection or was it pure coincidence? It was impactful though.

She has a lung infection that they can't get on top of. She is not getting in enough oxygen so her heart started to pump the blood through faster in a bid to get more oxygen where it was needed. It sent her blood pressure sky rocketing. She has not eaten in days. They are not feeding her because to do so would also be to feed the infection. It's a real balancing act between ensuring she has what she needs and trying to kill the bad guys.

Dad says that the cancer has really increased in size over the past three weeks. It is now in more organs. She's having trouble swallowing. It's all moving very quickly but noone can really tell us what that means... hours, days or weeks. No point talking months any more.

My sister Margaret flew back down yesterday. I am glad she is there - at least Dad will have some support. He is now spending his nights at the hospital...he doesn't want her to be alone at night. Margaret will take turns with him - he will go home to sleep for a few hours every day.

It is so horrible waiting for someone to die. I underestimated how difficult it is to be away from your family during a time like this. While no one wants to see it - the not seeing it is equally as hard. I feel useless. I am so glad Margaret is there for Dad.

Helping others help themselves. Kiva.

2008-07-14T20:52:00.002-04:00

While I was in Australia Ms 9 and I learned about an incredible organization Kiva

Kiva is an organization that brings together ordinary people that want to make a difference. It is a facilitator of micro loans. Entrepreneurs in third world countries apply for small loans to help them expand or start a small business. The requested loan amounts are posted on Kiva.org and anyone can help contribute to that loan. The money is paid back in monthly installments over a predetermined period of time. 97% of all loans are repaid. 100% of the money you want to loan makes it to the requester. You can loan as little as $25.

The underlying fundamentals of this organization appeals to me. This is not about making a donation, although I fully believe that charity has a place. This is about enabling someone to look after themselves. It is about people who want to do better for themselves, for their families and their communities.

Ms 9 was so impressed with this concept that she decided to fund the last $150 of a $600 loan request to a woman who wanted to start her own sewing business. I was so impressed with Ms 9's sense of doing her bit that I have "underwritten" her loan. Should she fall into the 3% of loans that default she won't lose her hard earned dollars. Should she not, she has learned a valuable lesson about the power that each of us has to make a difference to someone less fortunate than ourselves. I hope this is the start of many loans that she makes over time.

If you can afford to "set aside" some dollars for 6 - 12 months then go check out www.kiva.org

Pausing to take in the beauty

2008-07-14T20:49:00.002-04:00

Sitting in my room on the 16th floor of the Westin Waterfront I happened to look out at the skyline of Boston as the sun was setting. The beauty was simply breathtaking. It was a nice little reminder that even when there is sadness and darkness there is simple beauty to be enjoyed.

Never forget to look for the beauty - it helps keep the other stuff in perspective.

A new day and an update

2008-07-14T19:06:00.003-04:00

So I awoke this morning to an email from my sister. My mother has been hospitalized after two severe pain attacks. She will be there until they find something that works.

She had an appointment with her one specialist yesterday - he was the guy who did her original bypass operation. Unfortunately there is nothing he can do that will allow her to keep her food in - he referred her to palliative care to work out the pain management regime.

It also appears that she may have a long infection - I should know more when I call in a few hours (gotta love the 13.5 hour time difference!). Add to that the fact that apparently her heart is under stress and she is not in a good place. I spoke with her this morning.

It was a weird discussion. Apparently the dr's at the hospital asked her if her heart gives out does she want to be revived? She told them yes. I questioned her. That was not a discussion I ever expected to have with my mother. She so wants to see my sisters baby which is due mid August. But seriously why on earth would you want to bring yourself back from death to experience intense pain until you die? And there's no guarantee that you will make it till August.

Agh! My middle sister Margaret has been wonderful. She has always had a great relationship with Dad and so she called him last night to discuss the revival thing. He agrees but until the point where she is no longer lucid he does not want to override her. He will however talk with her today. It's such a crappy position to put him in - to encourage his wife to die.

So that's the latest.

Mum was in ok spirits when I spoke with her. She was actually still waiting in casualty until her room was available. She has been caught off guard by how quickly this is now moving. She expected that she would have a period of time when the pain would worsen - the intensity of the attacks left her scared.

Crap... changed the look

2008-07-13T23:28:00.003-04:00

Lost all my links to the blogs I like to read most.

Crap crap crap.

Sharon, Allison and Tia - can you please leave me a comment that links back to your blogs so I can easily create new links? While I'm here - anyone else want theirs linked in? LOL. Tiffany, I've been meaning to do yours forever. Donna, your blog inspired me to try and change mine. How did that work out...lol

I'm going to bed - I need to be up really early. And apparently I need my sleep. Sheesh!

Update: Traveling with the DS

2008-07-13T22:18:00.003-04:00

For my regular readers you may recall that one of my most pressing concerns about traveling to Australia was managing the bathroom routine en journey. As silly as it sounds it caused me considerable angst. Angst I could have used for something else. It really was a non issue.

From LAX to Sydney - the 14 hour leg of our journey - Ms 9 and I had seats right at the back of the plane. This allowed me to jump into the washrooms quickly and easily when there were no lines. Funnily enough my body jumped right out of it's normal routine. Instead of the concentrated unloading that normally takes place it was more spread out which made it more manageable. I didn't do anything special so I have no idea as to how to replicate it but whatever the reason it made for a very easy trip.

For those of you considering long distance air flights - my advice is simple. Go to the bathroom regularly. Courtesy flush as you go. The suction on those toilets are simply amazing - does wonders. Take a small personal size airfreshner. One spray and all is sweet. The process is manageable. Take it from me - there is no reason to curtail your desire to travel because of any concerns you may have around this.

Bathroom issues aside my greatest challenge was actually getting in enough fluids. I simply did not drink enough and I paid the price on the scale. Over the course of about a month I have put on 5lbs. Not outrageous but enough to make me take a very careful look at what I'm eating and drinking. I've increased my protein, dropped the carbs and am working very hard on increasing the fluids. I have no doubt that this wonderful tool of mine will work it's magic and allow me to drop the weight. It's a nice feeling. I don't get that sense of having screwed up so badly that I can't recover and heck, I may as well just eat more... this would have been what I would have done in days gone by.

I'm in Boston right now (flew in today and home on Tuesday night) so will need to have some flexibility around the food thing... fluids however I can totally control. Sip sip sip. Three words of advice that everyone threw at me immediately post surgery. Those same three words are just as important today as they were then. Sip sip sipping!

Update: Our trip to Australia

2008-07-13T21:36:00.003-04:00

For all the angst around whether to go and whether to take Ms 9 or not, it turned out to be a really good trip.

I got to spend some quality time with both of my parents. Ms 9 has the chance to develop some very special memories of her Oma and Opa. Memories that were not so clearly cemented at the end of our last trip three years ago because Mum was recovering from her initial pancreatic bypass surgery and Dad was still running the business. This time, when not feeling bad, Mum was actually very good which meant that she and Ms 9 could engage in a very different way. It was nice.

Ms 9 also spent a lot of time connecting with her Opa. Opa and Ms 9 both have equal inability to stop before things get out of hand...so things got out of hand often. It was noisy, funny, frustrating, and wonderful all at the same time. If I thought I was going to have the chance of some peace and quiet while I was away I was sorely mistaken.

But it was worth it. Ms 9 was a wonderful distraction for us all. She added some joy into what otherwise could have been a very morbid visit. I know that Mum had a tough day the day before we left. I also know that Dad was struggling because he started to withdraw a little a few days before we headed out... it's just his way of dealing with stuff...

While in Australia we managed to spend time with family and friends and we shopped till we dropped. It's a good thing Mum was willing to give up a suitcase...we came with two, we left with three! Sad thing is that most of that suitcase was full of Ms 9's stuff. Some birthday presents, some clothes from the winter sales (good back to school stuff), some gifts for others, but largely just stuff for her. I'm such a sucker when it comes to say NO. I know that I was over compensating - she was feeling quite homesick for her friends by the end of the second week. Retail therapy seemed to help. Insert eye roll!

We also got in some sight seeing. Ms 9 was lucky enough to see some whales in Victor Harbor. She also got to cuddle a koala, feed the kangeroo's and spend a day wasting money at a fun centre...what more could a kid want?

Bottom line is I am very glad we did it. I would never have been able to forgive myself if I had decided not to go before Mum passed away. I think that would have been a difficult guilt to live with. I am so very thankful that hubby ended up encouraging me to take Ms 9...

We flew in on the 8th, in time to celebrate Ms 9's birthday on the 9th. The timing was perfect. Leaving something sad to celebrate something wonderful.

Update: Mum

2008-07-13T21:22:00.002-04:00

To say that life is a little full is an understatement. I've been busy living it but not so much dealing with it. Of course I come back here to do the brain dump... it's amazing how therapeutic it can be.

To avoid doing one horrendously long update I will break it down into several smaller ones. First, the thing that occupies my thoughts most often these days...my Mum.

During the time we were in Australia Mum spent three full days in the hospital and went back for a day visit once. Her primary issue these days, aside from the cancer that is rapidly growing, is dehydration. We left last Tuesday and she has already been back for a iv fluids twice... things seem to be escalating. We know that the cancer is growing. The pattern that is unfolding is that about every 5 days she is having to have her pain medication dosages increased. Basically what happens, as with nearly all cancers, is that as the cancers grow they press on organs or nerves. Both result in pain.

There is no more reprieve for Mum - it has really become an exercise in managing her pain. The fact that she will die soon saddens me - no one wants to lose someone they love. What irks me more though is the thought of her experiencing the level of pain that she is. She waits too long to voice her pain - last time it was a nurse that noticed she was not comfortable. Mum didn't say anything.

I hope she gets smarter about this - my message to her was that if at some point she needed to be drugged to the eyeballs then so be it. Lucidity has little value when you can't manage through the pain.

Mum has two appointments with her specialists this week - hopefully we'll know more soon. Whatever happens I want it to happen quick. I want her to be pain free again. For ever.

Update

2008-06-27T07:36:00.005-04:00

My goodness the days get away quickly - it's not a wonder though. Trying to be a mother, a sister and a daughter on top of being a part-time worker is killing me. The sister and daughter thing are not normal parts of my routine. It is the reason that I am here and I'm enjoying it thoroughly but add to that trying to keep Ms 8 happy and then working 4 hours a day between 9pm and 1am... and I'm struggling.

I think I severely overestimated my capacity to do this when I first proposed it. I forget that I am no longer a spring chicken. I am capable of withstanding a huge amount of sleep deprivation... but apparently not quite this much. Sigh... my only other option is to not work. Which will mean I do not have enough PTO. Which means either cutting my family vacation in August which I am loathe to do because we all need it or taking some unpaid leave... which I am loathe to do just because that simply bites. I'll talk to hubby (if ever I get the timing right in terms of being able to reach the guy) and see what he thinks. This is a decision that impacts us both.

Mum is out of hospital - she was released a day early on Wednesday...yay! She has since had a rough night which was probably related to eating too much in one sitting. One of the tumours is clearly pressing on her stomach so she simply does not have the capacity to eat as much as she used to be able to in one sitting. When she eats too much she throws up. When she throws up it causes her pain and the cycle starts all over again. I've convinced her to try eating every two hours. Small amounts of whatever she wants so she doesn't feel deprived. So far it seems to be working. She has gone nearly two days without major issues. While in hospital they also changed up her pain medication - different type and stronger doses. It seems to be working better for her. So on the surface she is doing ok. To the level that today we all went mini golfing. Who would have thunk it? She suggested it.

She wanted to play with her grandkids and so we did. It was so much fun (and no it had nothing to do with the fact that I won!) . We are developing some really nice memories all around. Well worth the outrageous cost of international travel... it really is priceless.

Missing Hubby

2008-06-23T23:06:00.002-04:00

Hubby and I are apart on a fairly regular basis thanks to my work schedule but this time it's different. It's probably because I am not run off my feet... thanks to this rotten back of mine I'm actually not running anywhere right now! When I travel for work I am on the go from 7 am in the morning till around 11pm at night. I work hard and long... and love it!

Hubby and I connect during this time but it's usually just a quick touch base.

This time around it is different. I would love for him to be here. Today, so he can keep me company while the rest of the family is off becoming one with Australian wild life in a local conservation park but more for the company in general (come to think of it he'd be off petting koalas as well). Hubby and I are very well matched intellectually. I enjoy listening to what he's up to in his work life and I enjoy sharing mine. We don't always see eye to eye but I value his opinion none the less. I don't also go with his suggestions but he has good thoughts and it allows me to really ensure that I have my bases covered. He's the yang to my ying (or the other way around!)

I miss him. I miss his wicked sense of humour. I miss feeling him next to me in bed at night. Ms 8 is a poor substitute... she has no sense of space... what is mine is hers as far as bed space and bed covers go!

Today I feel like I'm a long way from home.

Ouch

2008-06-23T10:04:00.002-04:00

I am no stranger to back pain... thanks to a herniated disk that is pinching a nerve I have had a history of back pain. The last one had me laid up for a week. The good news is that was more than 2 years ago.

I don't know what I did but this afternoon while visiting Mum in the hospital I experienced a really strong back pain that got progressively worse. The car ride home was excruciating. I thought I was going to pass out/ throw up from the pain.

This is not what I need right now. I am sitting here at 11.40pm local time on a conference call for 2 hours. The problem is not the time but the 2 hours of sitting. I need to not have my mother worrying about my pain but focusing on her own pain management.

What really blew me away was my daughters reaction. "Oh no, I hope it's not your MS playing up again". When I threw my back out 2 years ago I believe it was an episode of MS that affected my gait that resulted in the back issues. It has not happened again but it obviously had a real impact on Ms. 8. So my MS does sit there in the back of her mind as a threat to her world. That's a little sad. The poor kid has so much on her mind right now with Oma being ill, I do not want her to be thinking about our two illnesses at the same time and potentially getting the two connected in her mind. My illness is not terminal. I do not want her to be worrying about that.

Together

2008-06-22T10:59:00.006-04:00

Today I spent time with my sisters. The last time the three of us were together was three years ago when Mum was first diagnosed with cancer. I had come home for the goodbye trip. At the time we decided it was important to get some last family photos.

Today, after a hectic day filled with silly Opa's and over excited grandchildren, I came across a folder containing some of those photos. And while this trip is not about me in any way shape or form, please allow me to say...holy crap! I had forgotten what I looked like. I have changed... a lot!

This second photo shows my youngest sister Tanya, 30 weeks pregnant again (as she was in the photo taken nearly 3 years ago). Margaret, myself and Mum. We had a wonderful day together.

Sadly it didn't end well. Tonight Mum insisted that Dad call palliative care. She was in pain and had been throwing up again. For mum to volunteer this action you know that she is not in a good place. We took her down to the hospital where she was administered extra morphine and put on fluids.

Tonight I saw my dad cry. Cry out of sheer helplessness. Tonight Ms 8 saw her Opa cry. Tonight she came to the true realization that her Oma was going to die. She was magnificent. She cried then she put on a brave face and kissed Oma good night. She was crying not so much for the upcoming death but for the fact that she has seen Oma so few times. She was crying for the lost opportunities.

I am not sure what the coming days are going to hold for my Mum. I worry more about my dad. Mum is in good hands and will soon be whole again. Dad...not so much.

So not ready

2008-06-17T09:38:00.002-04:00

Ok... it's 9.40am. My flight is at 6.30pm. We need to leave here at 3pm.

I have not yet packed for myself.

I have a meeting to hand stuff off to my boss at 11am. I am not quite ready for that.

I have colour in my hair... yes vanity won over the need to get my work done.

My hubby is ticked with me and can't let it go... ie I'll be leaving the country with things not great between us. Crap.

I don't know what to wear on the flight.

We need to go to City Hall to get a consent form notarized letting me take Ms 8 out of the country

We did not get birthday invitations out for Ms 8... school will be done by the time we get back.

I am usually Ms. Organized plus when it comes to things like this... not this time around. I can't wait till I hit LA... I need some sleep!

Touched

2008-06-16T20:28:00.003-04:00

Tonight I received a note from the founder of our company wishing me well, encouraging me to spend as much time with my Mum as possible and allowing my team and colleagues to step in and support me through this time.

Wow.

This company is nothing short of amazing.

To that end I am trying to bring in one of my past employees. I have a project manager role available. It is a good job but I've had no luck filling it. She would be a perfect fit in that I know her work, she has a solid training background, she understands operations and she is used to being managed remotely. Culturally she would fit right in.

I am interviewing her at 9pm tonight and if all goes well I'll have others interviewing her while I am away. Fingers crossed. I want to do well for this company so I want to bring in good people. My performance is totally tied in to that of my team. I have a solid foundation behind me and now I have a chance to build. It's a nice place to be.

Be gone ye carbs!

2008-06-15T21:05:00.002-04:00

In preparation for the trip I am going to low low carb it. To lose weight? That would be nice but no. I need to ensure that my body is as well behaved as possible on the trip.

We've talked poop before but not for a while so indulge me while I blog. I lead a fairly typical ds'er life in that most of my bodily emissions take place first thing in the morning. It's a given. It's a 10 - 20 minute routine that I need to plan in and then for the rest of the day I'm much like the rest of the population.

But that 10 - 20 minutes can be legendary. Legendary on a flight scares the crap out of me... excuse the pun... but that is what I have to deal with. Somewhere between LA and Sydney, and it could be just a few hours into the 14 hour flight, my body is going to want to lose a pound or five. It is intense. And like most poop it smells. Volume alone dictates that it will smell bad. It is a small price to pay and it is more than manageable in the big scheme of things but the thought of those small airline washrooms, with potential lineups behind you, knowing that you can do nothing to stop whatever may come... well, it makes me more than a little nervous.

I'm sure that the anticipation will be worse than the reality. It is likely just the fear of the unknown. But it is real. I've received some great advice on the obesityhelp board...low carbing being one of them. A small can of spray being another. The last, a "who gives a damn" attitude... afterall nobody knows you... I'm still working on that one.

So there you have it...my biggest fear as far as this trip... the washroom. Nice to know I don't have more important things to think about

Leaving on a Jet Plane...

2008-06-15T06:45:00.005-04:00

The title alone does a lot to date me...lol!

A bit of good news and some better news. Let's start with the better news.

Mum's blockage has seem to resolved itself. The surgeon has not experienced this before so once again Mum is proving to be an anomaly. What this means is that she is able to now keep food down. As long as this continues, and as long as she can keep herself sufficiently hydrated, the prognosis has swayed to a couple of months rather than a couple of weeks. This of course could change overnight but for now Mum is home (yay), pain free thanks to some kick ass morphine (and don't we Dser's remember the joys of morphine those few post surgery days?) and very excited about her daughter, and granddaughter visiting from the frozen tundra of Canada. (This is the good news)

Yes I'm bringing Ms 8. Had the prognosis stayed at the "weeks" level I would have left her at home. Thanks to the feedback of a few wonderful friends I was leaning more to leaving her behind. I remember when my grandmother died. She actually died while I was on a flight to Holland. I was visiting her enroute to a business trip in Toronto at the time. She passed away before I landed. In all their wisdom my relatives took me to see her body. I wish they never had. She had changed since I saw her last and my memory is now of the body, not so much of her. This was my experience as an adult and the experience on an 8 year old would be equally as difficult.

What swayed us to bring her was firstly that the prognosis had changed. It is less likely that Mum will pass away while we are there. Secondly the fact that her oncologist said that she looked better than she did three years ago. If that is the case Ms 8's memory is not likely to have to be significantly altered. Thirdly, once we had a sense that Ms 8 may not be exposed to the actual death, we considered the side benefits of her coming along. It will bring great joy to my Mum and Dad. She is both their first biological grandchild, and only granddaughter. She will be a welcome distraction to those facing the more serious business of dying.

Hubby has been so wonderul throughout this decision making process. He said all the right things in terms of me developing a comfort level to leave Ms 8 behind. My main concern has always been the lack of support for Ms 8 when I am gone. The boys just don't know how to be supportive and they are not yet ready to learn. Hubby was willing to do whatever was necessary, including working from home for a good chunk of the time so that he could be here for her. After pressing him from many angles he left me no doubt that he would be there for her. It was a weight off my shoulders.

I had actually decided to leave her. He decided she should go. Talk about a reversal of positions. I am comfortable that she is going. There is a chance that something may happen while we are there but I am ready for that. We will find a way to protect Ms 8 as much as possible while at the same time give her the chance to build one more positive memory set around Oma and Opa. She still remembers our last trip 3 years ago. This one will likely build a lasting impression.

We will be gone from June 17th to July 8th. This visit is longer than the last but with the ability to work during this period I can really stretch out my vacation hours. Thank goodness for my work and my boss. I am so lucky to have found this job/ company.

Now the scary stuff. I have less than 3 days to get myself totally organized from a work and personal life perspective. This gives me palpatations! I have so much to do including getting a visa for Ms 8 and a notarized note to say that I can take Ms 8 out of the country without her dad. Add in paying bills, putting in about 30 hours of work effort on the work front, washing, shopping, packing and you get the picture. That 27 hour trip will be a great time to catch up on the sleep that I will not be getting.

I'm looking forward to seeing my family again.

The Update... Mum's trip to a better place

2008-06-11T22:08:00.003-04:00

I had a really good chat with her oncologist tonight.

So the CAT scan shows that the cancer has progressed very rapidly from when the last scan was done 6 weeks ago. There are cancers pressing against both her liver and bowel which is not allowing them to drain properly, hence the vomiting. Her surgeon, who completed the bypass nearly three years ago, doesn't think that he will be able to by-pass the blockages but he is conducting one more test today to better understand what he is dealing with.

Apparently Mum is in much better spirits. Dr Healey has started to administer some pretty powerful pain killers and that has totally changed Mum's outlook. Mum, like the rest of us, is pretty pragmatic about what is to come. The Dr thinks she is amazing. I do too.

The prognosis is weeks to a couple of months. The Dr says she looks well - better than when we were there 3 years ago so that is good. They hope to have Mum home within the next week. She will receive iv fluids at night but that will leave her free to move around during the day.

Hubby and I will talk about whether Ms 8 comes with me tomorrow night. I will likely leave next Tuesday.

So there you have it. We know for sure that she will pass away in a relatively short period of time. I am glad. We knew it was going to come and she's had more than two years with this insidious disease living a relatively normal and healthy life. She's been an anomaly but now that her time has come it will come quickly. I am good with that. No, I am very good with that. Although the world is a better place with Mum here I would rather we bear the pain of her loss than have her bear the physical pain that cancer causes.

Take care Mum... I'll see you next week. What a wonderful thing to be able to say. Which leads me to say that my company has been amazing. In an attempt to protect my family vacation (which I think I will need) I asked whether I could work part-time from Australia. They were totally ok with that. They are being accommodating in every way possible. I am so grateful for that. They say everything happens for a reason. A year ago I was in the throes of unemployment after being caught in the first wave of massive layoffs by the big C. Today I work for a company that lives what it believes. They do not need to accomodate me. They want to. This means the world to me... and my Mum. For that I will always be thankful.

Sleepless in Boston

2008-06-11T00:53:00.003-04:00

It's been quite the night so far.

Hubby doesn't want Ms 8 to go. He has some real concerns about putting Ms 8 in an environment where she is essentially there to see her Oma pass away. I can see his point. It had crossed my mind. What is tearing me apart is that she will be devastated if I leave her behind. She already has such a hard time when I leave for three days at a time. This will be so much longer. What is making it harder for me, and it will crush her, is that she is then so dependent on the support of her brothers. They cannot step up. She doesn't make it easy for them and they don't want to do it. I would spend the entire time away worrying about her. Hubby simply cannot spread himself that thin to be all things to all people while I'm away.

I feel like my heart is being ripped apart. Melodramatic but I can't think of a better way to describe it.

This is cut and paste from an email exchange I had with my sister tonight (names changed to protect the innocent):

She is very sad. Pragmatic, but sad. Dr Healy came and saw her and said the scans didn't show anything in the region of the abdomen where Mum said she was feeling some pain, but it did show that the new rice grain sized cancers that they found a few months back were larger and were pressing against her (something or other to do with the bypasses already there from the last surgery). So she is not completely blocked but unblocking may not solve the problem as it is the pressure from outside. As there are already 5 by pass bits and pieces they may not be able to do another one.

Mum then said to me that she was told if that was the case it would not be long to go.

She then said Dr Healy said that if you were to come it would need to be sooner rather than later. Sorry.

She is sad that she still hasn't finished the photo album for Ms 8 so she is going to ask Dad to bring it in for her and she will write notes on bits of paper and I said I would finish it off for her. She is cross too. said this year wasn't a good year. There were too many thing to do :) That sounded a bit more like her.

She is tired.

And so am I. It is 1 am and at 9.30 I am terminating someone's employment. I owe it to them to get some sleep... I am a great believer in doing things like this with dignity and integrity. Thank you for all the messages of support. The fact that you still read after me being so erratic at best in my blogging is heartwarming. The fact that you care is humbling. Right now sitting in a hotel room by myself you have no idea how much your support means. Thank you.

Will know more in 48 hours

2008-06-10T04:52:00.002-04:00

Mum has been hospitalized. She has not been able to keep any food down for the weekend. By chance I looked up her specialists number last night and they took my calls. She was the one who told me Mum was on her way.

I called to ask about prognosis based on the fact that when I spoke with Mum a few days ago her cancer count, C19.9, had increased tenfold since we last spoke. I was already thinking about a trip in August. Hubby was ok if I cancelled out of our family vacation.

August will be too late.

The Dr. said that the vomiting is likely from a blocked bowel. If she can unblock it she will have a couple of months. If not, a couple of weeks. We will know in 48 hours what we are dealing with.

Ms 8 and I are likely going to fly to Australia next week. It's going to be a rough ride with work but it's the right thing to do. I need to be there for her now.

Please join me in hoping Mum passes on very quickly. I do not want her, or Dad, to suffer a long protracted illness. My message to her will be... I love you and it's ok to go.

Now it's time for me to head to the airport - off to Boston for a few days. It's going to be a long few days.

Wow... it got even uglier

2008-06-02T20:37:00.002-04:00

Mr 14 is struggling with the fact that he has to go to his mom's this weekend while his brother is allowed to stay at home alone.

My logic is simple. Mr 17 is starting to show signs of humanity - I want to give him the chance to prove himself. Besides which someone needs to be at home when Ms 8 comes back from her camping trip on Sunday. Yes there's a selfish reason too.

Mr 14 has not shown himself to be capable of making sound decisions. To leave them together would leave the onus of responsibility on Mr 17, I'm not sure Mr 17 is ready to take responsibility for himself yet. To leave them together would set Mr 17 up for failure. I need him to have a win.

Mr 14 is not happy. Mr 14 took me down a discussion path of looking at every aspect of his miserable young life. I tell you it wasn't pretty. How horrible is it that

1. between him and his brother they are expected to empty the dishwasher and take out the recycling daily. The issue is that their 8 year old sister does not have to do these things. What they forget is at 8 they did not do these things. What he can't see is that when she is 14 she will be the only child in the house and will need to do both. By herself.

That's it in terms of chores. No need for a number 2. Life is tough.

This kid has so much resentment in his little body. He feels hard done by. He wants to be paid for everything. We should apparently be paying for the privilege of his company. A cell phone is a basic requirement. Uh...no. You act like an ass. You lose it. You wait till you get home and use the phone there. Welcome to reality.

Anyway, the discussion was long, circular and pointless. At the end I lost it. For the first time in 12 years he has seen me cry. I do not cry for myself. I cried because I felt trapped. Trapped because I see no way out of this one. I do not want to end my marriage. I love my husband. I do not want to send him away (well, maybe a little) to his mom's because he has more of a chance of pulling through this crap living here than living there. But I'm facing potentially years more of this bullshit before he starts to grow out of it. I don't know if I have the fortitude to see it through. Yes it was ugly.

I think seeing me cry shocked the crap out of him. He's backed right down. The good I guess is that he could have gone in for the kill but he didn't. Be thankful for small things right?

Wanted... Dead or Alive

2008-06-01T20:55:00.004-04:00

Not blogging since May 12th? What's up with that?

Where to begin? I think the bottom line is that I am overwhelmed. To put it into words means that I have to take accountability and do something about it. To not put it into words means I can avoid seeing how big/bad/overwhelming (pick a word) it really is. I think we have previously come to the conclusion how "avoidance" should be my middle name.

So let's take a look at the good, bad and the ugly.

The Good

1. Today I went to a wedding shower for a fellow Ontarion DSer. Jenn, at a year out, is gorgeous both inside and out. A teacher by trade, and as such one of lifes hero's in my eyes, she is just a really nice person who pays it forward by helping others out of the grasp of obesity. I put words in a blog, she puts words into application forms for others. She's doing good things.

2. Laural. Laural celebrates her 1 year surgiversary on Thursday. She has lost around 170lbs. More importantly she has found herself. She has taken the positive steps needed to get her life to a place that she wants it. Not where her husband wanted it. Not where others want it but where she wants it. It's been an amazing privilege to watch her blossom the way she has. She's dealt with crappy stuff and has come out the other end a whole different person. Laural I know you read this sometimes... You once said that you regreted/resented not having a formal education... in many ways you don't need it... I have learned more from you than you will ever know. I have no doubt that you will find great success once you have fully defined what that success looks like for you.

3. A weekend away. Hubby is away at a conference for the week and I will be joining him on Thursday for a long weekend away together. We are staying at the Biltmore - Hotel to the rich and famous. And us. I am looking forward to a weekend of people watching. I am looking forward to spending 4 days with hubby. Since Ms 8 was born we have never spent more than a night together alone. It's been 9 years. This is definitely good.

The bad and ugly. As I started to think about how to seperate these two sections out I decided that it wasn't worth it... much fits into both

1. Mr 14. I am struggling with this kid right now. He has no respect for authority. His attitude stinks. His modus operandus is to wear you down until you give in. And sadly I do. Just so I don't have to deal with him anymore. He wins and I lose but I am enabling it. What a freakin' lousy parent am I? I dislike everything that he is right now. I resent having to spend the little precious time I have dealing/fighting with him instead of doing things that bring me joy... or that at least has a productive outcome...like clean clothes by doing the laundry. Nothing is productive about our relationship.

I am the person who has incredible pools of patience. Always have. Largely because I don't like conflict but whatever the reason I can make it through most things. Twice in this last week he has had me so angry/upset that it felt like my heart was going to explode through my eyeballs. I could literally feel my blood pressure go through the roof...I've never experienced this before. It's both bad and ugly.

The guilt of not liking one's child is an incredible burden and it's one I don't know how to lighten. There is nothing to like about this kid right now. I cannot find joy in him.

2. Now that we've established that I am a horrible person (re read 1) the second bad and ugly is work. Not all of work because I actually love what I do. I have an employee who is struggling. Struggling and not taking accountability. She is lashing out. Everyone else is responsible for the position she finds herself in (especially me). We've been working through a formal performance plan which was designed to help her move through and on. I had really hoped that we could work through this together in a way that would allow her to be successful. She is actually a nice person. But man, she's making it hard. The focus she is taking is making the hole bigger. I don't know that she can be successful and that weighs heavily on me.

3. My weight. Yes it had to come up... just as my weight is up. Not much but up instead of down. I need to find a way to carve time out of my day to focus on me and I have no clue as to how to do this. What has to give? What can give? My vitamin D levels came in super low this month so I need to find a way to get out in the sun 15 minutes per day as part of the the solution...I'm struggling finding even that.

4. My mom. It is bothering me. It is always with me. A while back, before we knew that the cancer had changed, I had told her that I would try to come visit next April. I'm not sure she will have a next April and it's causing me all sorts of angst. We have booked a family vacation in August and I am finding it hard to get excited about it because in the back of my mind I'm thinking... Florida will always be there...Mum will not. On the other hand, this is something that the family has been looking forward to for a really long time. It's hard to take that away when it's been quite the work year for both hybby and I. We both need the down time. Result - me tied in knots not knowing what I want. I will speak to hubby about this...I'm really just starting to articulate this for myself.

There was more but I'm running out of steam. I was up at 3am to take hubby to Buffalo airport this morning. I've hit the proverbial wall.

So I am back. I will try to stay in the here and now but at times like this sometimes it takes all my energy simply to just get through...blogging is such a luxury.

Starving

2008-05-12T06:54:00.003-04:00

Today I am being a good little DSer and taking the currently not shrinking butt to my Dr to get all the wonderful things I need (Iron, Flagyl) and a requisition for my blood work. I will then dutifully give up my arm to the female vampire downstairs.

Problem is that my appointment is at 10am. Assuming she is running on time the earliest I'm going to be able to eat is 10.45am. The thought of this alone is making my stomach gurgle and rumble in its tell-tale "feed me" way.

I tend to consume a large portion of my food in the mornings. Not sure why other than this is the time I am most hungry. To delay is going to really mess this body up.

I am so hungry right now!

Happy Mothers Day

2008-05-11T20:31:00.003-04:00

This year Mothers day is confusing, it is such a mix of happy and sad.

Happy because I am a Mom to a wonderful 8 year old who still believes that I am the best thing since sliced bread. She is sweet, sassy, smart as all heck. She is the reason I understand the full depth of mothers days. I will be forever grateful that she is part of my life. She is the reason I get called "mom".

Sad because this will be the last one I get to say "happy mothers day" to my mom. Well, I tried to say it but ended up leaving a voicemail on my sisters machine... the time zones just didn't work this time around. So sad because distance and time means that I will not get to say those words again.

Happy and sad. I've been step-mom to the boys for 12 years. They were the sweetest, cutest kids you could have ever met. Things change. I've changed. They've changed. The relationships are tough ones. Things are getting better with Mr 17. If you can get past the way too many words there's a decent young man in there. Mr 14 is rude, disrespectful and self serving. What more can I say.

Birthday Update

2008-05-10T20:46:00.002-04:00

After my major whine earlier this week I feel the need to update, it's only fair to the people involved.

Hubby came through like a trouper. They picked me up from work Wednesday night and took me out for dinner. Ms 8 was so excited - she loves to do things for me. My birthday is as much about her as it is about me. She knows how much I love spending my downtime reading Oprah while enjoying my favourite Starbucks, so they got me a two year subscription. They also got me a beautiful Azalea plant which is now gracing the previously leaf encrusted brown patch leading up to our front door.

It truly was not about the gifts. For me it's about the thought. On Wednesday they showed me that they had the ability to think and it was all good.

But the real gift for me was the one that hubby gave me. He opened up and vocalized what I had known, and blogged about, for a while. He was afraid that I had nothing that was just for me and in seeing that, he found it hard to get something that was truly just for me that was also meaningful...to me. He's always been about meaningful gifts - at Christmas he puts me to shame. Hearing it come from someone else was a real gift. It almost made it ok to feel the way that I had been. It made it feel less selfish.

I now need to do something about it. And I will. When I find time. And I will.

I ran!

2008-05-10T20:27:00.002-04:00

OMG I ran! One foot in front of the other. There was no disputing it, it was a run. Mind you it was only 200 meters or so, in response to a crying child who had fallen rather heavily ahead of us. But it was a run. And you know what. It didn't hurt. I wasn't puffed. There was no difference as if I had walked. No difference that is, other than *knowing* I ran. Holy crap!

I know that this is an eye rolling post for some but this is truly significant for me. I don't like to exercise. I hold myself back because I am afraid that I won't be able to do it. When I was diagnosed with MS I help back even more because I didn't want to trigger an attack (misguided but there you have it). But what I discovered tonight is that I do not need to hold myself back. I can do it.

So there we were, crying Ms 8 holding her grazed hand, blood dripping from her arm and angry red scratches on her leg, walking home and me feeling like I'm on cloud 9 because I ran... how cool is that! I wonder what else I'm capable of?

This mornings weight: 220.6lbs

Weight Update

2008-05-07T20:00:00.002-04:00

221lbs.

Today I focussed on my water and lessening my carbs. Notice I didn't say restricting carbs. I am not quite ready to do that.

Each day I will cut back a little more while increasing my protein intake. Today was ok - my danger period came at around 2pm. The lack of sleep last night and the lack of sugar was definitely taking it's toll. Hopefully tomorrow will be easier.

Happy Birthday to Me...

2008-05-06T20:54:00.003-04:00

Forty-three years ago I came into the world kicking and screaming... the first child of an 18 year old mother and a 23 year old father.

I was born at home, as was the custom back then in Holland, with only a mid wife in attendance. Dad was at sea as part of the merchant marines.

From my mother I inherited my resilience, my stubbornness and my empathy. From my father I inherited my height, my brains and my glass is half full approach to life. From both I inherited a desire to do well. That comes of being an immigrant child of working class parents.

I have a lot to be grateful for. My parents set the stage for the person I am today.

So... having said all that, please forgive the whine that is about to follow. It is a full on one. I need to get it out of my system.

My birthday has sucked. Second year in a row that it's been a complete waste of time. Last year on the 5th I fell and hurt my arm. I was in a sling for my birthday. As a result of being at the hospital noone had time to go shopping for me.

This year no falls but last night Mr 14 was the ass from hell. He completely ruined the night for us all. This morning no "happy birthday" from the boys. No gift.

Hubby feels horrible. Part of the challenge for him is that he simply does not know what to get me. He said tonight at dinner that he has lost touch with who I am. I can't blame him because so have I. My life currently consists of work, home, children and Starbucks. That's it. There is no time for me. I wouldn't know what to do with it if I had it. But that's not an issue because there simply is no time.

How freakin' sad is that? How can you make a life with a spouse who has no life. How can you share interests when they have no interests to share? This has upset us both. Not fighting upset, just sad upset.

Happy birthday to me... who ever me is...

Blue

2008-05-04T21:23:00.003-04:00

Today I'm feeling a little blue.

My hubby has always said that my birthday, anyone's birthday other than those of his children, is not significant to him. He believes that a birthday is a celebration between a child and it's parent. They celebrate because that date is truly meaningful for them.

I'd never given his philosophy a lot of thought until today. What about all those children who don't know who their parents are? What about those children/people who are estranged from their parents? What about those people whose parents passed away before them? Each of these people now have at least one less person with which to celebrate this birthday. Some would not, by hubby's definition, have anyone other than themselves who would feel that this day was truly significant. I find that sad. This year it means more for me because in all likelihood it is the last one that I can expect to receive a call from my Mum to wish me a happy birthday. Who will call next year?

Hubby is a good man. He believes that the special anniversaries in our lives are the things that are significant to him. But he truly doesn't know how lonely his thoughts have made me feel today.

Am I done?

2008-05-03T22:21:00.002-04:00

This is a question I've asked myself a number of times. My body has found a comfortable spot that averages out at around 222lbs. At this weight I can eat pretty much what I want, with a focus on protein of course, and there is little up or down movement.

So the question that I have to ask myself is... am I done? Is this the weight that I can live with? Is this the weight that is most comfortable for me?

It is comfortable in that I haven't had to try very hard. I can allow for it to not be a focus in my life and that is very comfortable. I don't stand out in the crowd as the "fat lady" neither do I stand out in the crowd as the "hottie". I don't stand out. And that is comfortable. And I wonder if that is what is going to decide whether I'm done... comfort?

The alternative means I have to act like a normal person trying to lose those last "few" pounds (in my case 40 - 60lbs). It means restricting those things that I know not to be helpful ie simple carbohydrates which I absorb at 100%. It means eating more protein since I only absorb 50% of that. It means eating a good share of fat (20% absorption). It means exercising. It means drinking much more water than I have been.

What's holding me back? My fear of dieting. It's something I have consistently failed at for 30+ years. That's a truck load of failure. Part of the trouble is that dieting was always so overwhelming... I had such a long way to go and when it slowed or didn't work it was nothing short of devastating. I think what I have not got my head around yet is the fact that I do NOT have that far to go. I could probably do this in 6 months with a little effort. This is foreign to me. I am truly in uncharted territory has far as my weight loss is concerned.

So my plan, and yes I do have one, is for a period of one month only, is to go back to the very basics.

- No pop... even the diet stuff I drink could be holding me back
- lower carbs to about 70 - 100 grams per day. This will allow for some flexibility and keep me from a sense of deprivation
- increase protein to 150grams per day
- 30 minutes of exercise 5 times per week
- track food daily
- blog progress daily (I'll keep it short)

I want to see whether my body still has the ability to lose weight or whether I have truly reached the weight I'm meant to be. I can live this weight but I can't live with not knowing whether I was capable of more. I can't live with the sense that I am holding myself back because of a stackload of baggage that I am not yet prepared to explore.

I have had some major success in my working life getting through some baggage (like the inability to deal with conflict), and now I would like to see if I can transfer that to my personal life. Weight loss surgery was never about being the easy way out, I don't want "settling" for a weight to be about the easy way out either.

Does that make any sense?

Eating Habits

2008-05-03T10:20:00.002-04:00

Let's face it. Most of didn't get fat because of a thyroid problem. Most of us didn't get fat because our metabolism was screwed up... well, before we screwed up our own metabolisms with our yo yo dieting. Most of us didn't wake up one morning, look in the mirror and discover that we were 100lbs heavier than the day before. Most of us got fat because of our eating habits. Eating too much. Eating the wrong foods. Eating at the wrong time. Or a combination of these and a bevy of many more potential factors.

I got fat because:

1. I make poor choices. I choose the fat/sugar over the fruit/vegetables
2. I eat emotionally. I never learned how to deal with my emotions and so I would suppress them. With food.
3. Comfort. Tied in with 2. If I was upset, scared, tired (insert feeling) food represented a "safe" way to connect with a sense of comfort and well being. I mean, how could you not feel good with a piece of chocolate in your mouth?
4. Portion size. This was a mixed bag for me. My meals were not typically huge but they were larger than I needed. My problem was more with snack sizes. There is no such thing as a handful of Pringles. There was only ever a container!
5. Lack of exercise. I ate more calories than I needed. I didn't exercise. I yo yo dieted. I screwed up my own metabolism to the point that it never knows whether it's coming or going.

Then along comes the magic of weight loss surgery. The restrictive portion of the Duodenal Switch and a healthy fear of consequences means that initially a lot of the above is dealt with. You make good choices because the fear of not doing so outweighs the memory of the taste of the other stuff. You eat less simply because you can not eat more. You introduce some exercise because you are scared of the blood clots.

Over time though, your stomach stretches closer to a normal size. You can eat more. I do. Your body learns to handle all types of food better. It has. I can eat most things without too many negative consequences.

Knowing this - I have now discovered that all of those things that made me fat still exist. I still eat emotionally (although far less than before... we have progress). I still make bad choices. Yes I eat from the vending machine too often but I could choose the yoghurt over the chips. I choose not to. I still use food as a comfort source.

The moral of the story: Surgery does not alter the reason you were fat. It allows you to stop the cycle but unless you can address the underlying issues you will always struggle with reaching goal weight and/or with feeling good about yourself. Surgery is the gift that allows you to get rid of a bunch of layers. For most of us it doesn't/ can't stop there.

Shopping

2008-04-29T21:32:00.003-04:00

Since I have not worked during a summer as a size 14/mostly 16 person I can honestly say that I have nothing to wear. Nada. Nothing suitable for the warm weather we experienced in the last week or two.

Today after work a colleague, and RNYer, took me to NH to go shopping. The state of no sales tax. Gotta love that. What did I get? Nothing other than discouraged.

First problem is this years style. Baby doll meet peasant chick does nothing for me. I didn't look good in it in the 70's and I certainly don't look good in it now.

Second problem. The boobs. They're too big for all the styles around. I am almost having to go back into plus sizes to have them fit. Not happy.

Third problem. Why put sleeves on a dress/shirt/top if they are not designed to cover even an inch of your arms. My batwings and I were none too happy in those flattering store lights. What the heck is up with that anyway.

Fourth problem. Belts. Why ruin a perfectly good shirt/top with a belt. I have a long body - belts don't work.

Fifth and finally (for now) I seem to have developed a muffin top of mammoth proportions. Does retaining water do this to you? I can see by my legs that I am retaining fluid but my stomach/waist? Heck it was discouraging. For the first time in a long time I felt fat. It wasn't a pleasant feeling and one that I would choose not to revisit often.

On that cheery note, time to find myself something to drink and then put in a few more hours of work. I've just been thrown one hell of a challenge. Not sure how we're going to solve for it yet but it's time to get creative. All I can say is that there had better be one hell of a bonus this year!

Ugh!

2008-04-27T20:54:00.003-04:00

Other than packing and doing the taxes I am almost there. Of course, the two really important ones are not done. Go figure!

Ms. 8 is in bed in tears. She's doing the night before "I'm going to miss you" emotional upheaval thingee. She's good. She has a way of grabbing my heart and squeezing it until it's bruised. The sad thing is that this is just a precursor to what is to come in the morning. Nothing like closing the door to a hysterical sobbing mess.

Gotta love being a travelling Mom!

It's the day before

2008-04-27T07:52:00.002-04:00

I head off to Boston again.

This trip came a little faster than I would normally plan but we are recruiting for a trainer and given that the manager in the site is struggling I need to be a little more closely involved than I would normally otherwise be.

So the day before means

1. Ensuring that Ms 8 has clothes for all 4 days that I am away
2. Grocery shopping so that they can actually feed themselves...novel concept
3.Doing laundry so that I have clothes
4. Doing my taxes. I have not done them. This is the first year ever that they are not done the week after we get all of our documentation. Since they need to be filed by the end of the month it comes down to today. Now to find all the receipts and forms and.... crap!
5. Tidying the house because my friend comes into clean tomorrow. I don't know how we survive without her
6. Going to the bank so we can pay said friend
7. Going through my capacity plans since I have a 8am meeting while I'm waiting at Buffalo airport.
8. Booking a cab for 5am. My shuttle leaves for Buffalo at 5.30am
9. Packing
10. ..

The list is not done but I'm tired just thinking about it! Time to get this day started I guess. Shower, go to work to empty out some of my inbox, get the dog, take Ms 8 to swimming lessons... that sounds like more of the list... aaaggghhhh!

A change of pace

2008-04-26T18:13:00.002-04:00

Last night we went to see Jeff Dunham in Buffalo.

This guy is simply one very funny dude. Last nights show was particularly funny - lots of ad libbing that resulted in some pieces that will no doubt make part of his regular routine. If ever Achmed and Lucky Charms end up in a show together - we saw it first!

We laughed until we cried. Even though it was way too late for Ms 8, and even though Mr 14 screwed up large enough that he didn't go (his choice... that's the screw up), it was a very necessary and very much appreciated couple of hours.

We stayed in Niagara Falls Ontario overnight and this morning spent a few hours schlepping around trashy Clifton Hill before heading to pick up Mr 14 and then to home. I am now dead tired (we didn't get back to the hotel room until 1.30am... of course my DS got me up at 6.30am) but very happy to have done it.

If you ever get the chance, google Jeff Dunham. There are lots of videos out there... just a very funny and sick man. Gotta love that.

It's like someone threw a handful of rice in the right side of your body

2008-04-24T22:24:00.002-04:00

That's what the oncologist told her.

The original cancer has not grown but there are a handful of new cancers. They are stopping chemo since it clearly was ineffective at stopping this from occurring. The next appointment will be about palliative care. She didn't want to talk about it today since it's her birthday.

This blog will not become about my Mum's last journey other than where if forms a significant part of mine.

For those of you that have reached out to me... thank you. You have no idea how much that means to me.

Mum's CA19-9

2008-04-22T20:25:00.002-04:00

In two weeks the cancer count has more than doubled to 2539. This is not good. It's typical of the exponential growth that goes with active tumour growth. She is having a scan today and then visits the oncologist tomorrow.

Crap. Crap. Crap. Crap.

This is my worst nightmare. When I made the choice to leave Australia 13 years ago my parents were young and healthy. In the back of my mind however I always had the "what if" question. What if something went wrong? What if one something happened to either my parents or my sisters? What if?

Well that what if is happening now. I feel helpless. I know I couldn't change anything if I was there but being so far away means that I can't be there to support either of my parents through what will inevitably come.

And what will come? Pain. Lots of it as the tumours grow and press on nerve endings. Weakness. Death. For mum it'll mean the physical erosion of who she is today. It'll mean the mental anguish of leaving behind her husband who she knows will face his own challenges in the not too distant future. It means the sadness of knowing you will never see your children or grandchildren again. This is what I find hardest. I look at Ms 8 and cannot imagine the pain of not ever seeing her again. Even typing it I feel a tight grip on my heart. It's that physical. I know that's how Mum feels about us.

Can you imagine what she's going through. She, like us, has known about this for a couple of years now but even through all the chemo it has never seemed fully real. Her cancer count was stable for a long time. Now there is no denying. She must be going through all those emotions that she felt when she first heard the C word.

I'm not a praying person but I hope that if there is a god that he has mercy on her. That he makes her final journey a quick one. As comfortable as she can be.

I know this is a morbid post but I need to type it out. I am not ready to talk it out yet. The words are too hard to say. I'm going to put Ms 8 to bed and then I'm going to call Mum. I need to hear her voice.

A happy post

2008-04-21T20:25:00.002-04:00

I've shared some of my work trials and tribulations here but tonight I had some great news. I have worked, with my quality manager, to put together a proposal as to how we would deal with quality going forward. That proposal was put forward to our major partner and they accepted it. Not only did they accept it but they want to use it as a model for all their other partners/vendors. It's a huge departure from how we do things now. It focuses our entire effort on truly shifting the performance of the business.

This is huge for us as a business and it's a major win for me so early into my tenure with the business. I am very very excited!

I knew it was coming

2008-04-17T20:30:00.002-04:00

But I really hoped that it would not. My Mum's cancer is changing. She is losing weight. She has had diarrhoea for about 8 weeks. Her cancer count (CA19-9) has more than doubled from 500 to 1200. The first two are typical symptoms of pancreatic cancer. The last is too. It's not so much about the pure number as it is about the rapid change. Things are definitely changing. I don't think she understands the true implications but I do. She has a specialist appointment next Tuesday - hopefully we'll have an informed opinion then.

Mum has already defied all odds. She has had a good quality of life for the past 2.5years. Very few (less than 10%) with inoperable cancer make it to this point. I guess I should be grateful. I am but I am also a little angry. I am not ready for this. I was ready for this when she was first diagnosed. I am not ready for this now. I guess the last few years has lulled me into a false sense of security. It's particularly easy since I live so far away.

This just bites. I may be 42 years old but I am not ready to lose my mother.

The Rose Coloured Glasses Are Off.

2008-04-10T06:18:00.005-04:00

It's hard to believe that another week has gone by. This morning I am sitting in my hotel room in Boston, Starbucks in hand, getting ready for my journey home. I am ready to go home. It's been quite the week. The rose coloured glasses are off. Perspective has set in. Nothing like a little perspective to slap you around. What I have learned this week

1. that people are not always what they seem. Sounds like a no brainer right? I have always prided myself on being a very good reader of people. I am highly intuitive and over the years have learned to trust my intuition. In the euphoria of working in a 'principled' company I made the mistake of assuming that everyone operates from a place of good intent. I was wrong.

2. Game playing is present at every organization. Sometimes you need to find the room at the back of the store with a guy called Bubba guarding it. But look hard enough and it'll be there. This week I ran into Bubba full force.

3. I have little tolerance for the games. I have no time for it. Literally. My day/week/month is a fine balance of double and triple booked meetings. I don't have time for the basics let alone games of cloak and dagger.

4. There are some very principled people in my peer group. I am very grateful to have them on my team.

5. That managing remotely when things are not working well sucks. I can't "see" what's going on. My teams in Boston and Chelmsford are not in a good place. It's a management issue. I am going to be called hatchet woman before my time is over.

6. I need to put me first. This probably was my biggest light bulb moment...courtesy of sitting in a hotel room alone last night after what can only be described as a long long week. I have fallen into an old behavioural trap of trying to be all things to all people. My job is complex. I inherited a hornets nest. The company is poised for incredible growth. I am involved in a lot of the foundation building. But. no. BUT. I am not eating well. I am not sleeping enough. I am stretching myself too thin and as a result not doing things as well as I would like to. All of these things will bite me in the butt. It's time to get my priorities sorted out. I need to better manage expectations, largely my own. I need to put my hand up for help. I don't do that well.

7. I need my family. They ground me. As much as the boys drive me absolutely freakin' batty they provide me with a counter balance. They have also given me a lot of insight into some of the performance issues I'm dealing with at work. I miss my husband when I'm away. I don't speak of him often but I miss the companionship. I miss hearing about his day. I miss our conversations. This was a good learning for me. We've been together for 11 years and not all of those years have been great ones. It's comforting to know that the person I made a life comittment to is someone I still want to be with. And then there's Ms 8. What can I say - she is a part of me that I will always treasure. She keeps the world sane for me. When I look at her I *know* I have capacity for great good.

8. I have grown immensely as a person. I have never dealt with conflict well. It was one of the things that contributed to my obesity. This week I have dealt with much conflict. Head on. Tough conversations about responsibility, accountability, and shooting yourself in the foot. And while there may have been a chocolate bar or two involved the world didn't fall down. The messages were actually well received by the recipients. Hmmm. Didn't know that was possible.

9. I am a moron. I have been squandering away the gift of the DS by reverting back to old coping mechanisms. I just shake my head. How can a smart person be so stupid? Quite easily apparently. I have no one to blame but myself.

So it's been a week of learnings. Both big and small. Mostly big. My brain is full. I am through and through tired. But I am hopeful. Knowing the true lay of the land is key to building a foundation that will handle the tremors. I am in a much better position to build the right foundation. It's going to be a long haul but the potential is incredibly promising. Even without the rose coloured glasses.

Weight Update

2008-04-03T20:43:00.000-04:00

219.6lbs

I could have just posted " see last Thursday"...

Life is nothing if not interesting

2008-04-01T20:38:00.002-04:00

Ok. I'm developing a reputation. When I book meetings at short notice people are checking the invitee list. No I didn't fire anyone. I was working on it but she quit. Last night after a rather harrowing day she handed in her resignation.

As much as I feel for her personally, because this is simply an ugly time for her, I am glad she made the decision. It allows her to leave with some dignity. It allows me to move quickly into damage control. And quite frankly, it has just saved me a bucket load of work.

So today was the day of communication. Letting her peer group know. Letting the team know. Letting the powers that be know. It was a sad day because not one person shared their regrets. Not one person wished her well. It was very telling. It was bitter sweet.

Now it's time to move onto plan B. I have someone in mind for the role. It'll be a stretch but he is so the right person for the job. He's a natural coach. He buys into the concept of positively impacting performance. He gets it. I hope he wants it. It's such an exciting time for this team - we are getting ready to redefine the role they play in the business. It's all good. I am hoping that this will be a fresh start for many of them. They need it. I need them to put the crap behind them and move on. One door closes and a window opens right?

The next two weeks will be interesting as we set in place contingency plans. Her last day is Friday the 11th.

Weight Update

2008-03-27T07:41:00.002-04:00

219.6lbs

I've lost 130lbs... again! Insert eye roll. I am happy to see the weight go down but I am not yet convinced that it is real. I have to see progress below 215 to believe that I am back on the loss path. 219 is still in the bouncing range.

We'll see. I have to admit though I was pleased to not see a '22' this morning.

Everyone cancelled

2008-03-27T06:23:00.002-04:00

Their meetings that is. Yesterday I had nearly all of my meetings canceled... six hours worth. I actually produced work. I got things done that I had not been able to get to within the last three weeks. The job posting for the project manager I need is up...yeah! My recommendation on how we train remote agents is done... yeah! My weekly report to my boss is done. The presentation for the relaunch of e-learning is done. It was an amazing feeling to walk away from a day having got those things off my plate. What a weight off my shoulders!

Now I just need to pull together my thoughts on how to completely restructure my quality team and I'll be in a happy place. Woo hoo!

I'm so hoping that the same cancellations happen today. If I could find even just 4 hours for the rest of this week I'll be in a much better place all around. Phew.

Weight Update

2008-03-25T20:57:00.002-04:00

This morning: 221lbs.

Why do I bother to record it? I am hoping that over time the weight will start to fall off again. If that happens then me recording the fifth month of no progress will serve to give others hope that long stalls do happen and can be beaten. If it doesn't start to shift down then it's an accurate record of my frustration. Either way it serves a purpose. One more selfish than the other but what the heck, it's my blog right?

Feel like crap

2008-03-24T13:13:00.002-04:00

There are very few times that I can say that I truly feel like crap. Today was one of them. For the first time since starting my new job I can honestly say that I didn't want to go work. And so I did not.

I forced down breakfast and then headed upstairs for a nap. I slept for about 3 hours and I feel so much better. Instead of feeling like I'm in an out of control space shuttle capsule I now just feel like I'm on a boat. The room gently rocks but does not spin. We have progress!

Not sure what this is all about. I wonder whether I'm dehydrated. With 20/20 hindsight I was probably on the very low side for fluids this weekend. I also ate way too much sugar... rotten Easter Bunny. I can't help but wonder if the two combined have resulted in feeling this bad. No matter - I don't like it. I have so much on my plate at work, I simply cannot afford to feel this way. Especially not if it was self induced.

Weight today: 222.6lbs. Old Old Old Old. Sigh.

Scared to fly

2008-03-22T21:36:00.002-04:00

I love to fly. Always have. I enjoy the take-offs and landings. I enjoy the gentle lullaby of the engines drone.

My flights to Boston and back are quick and painless.

What scares me, is flying to Australia. Not because of the distance. I've done the 24 - 36 hour trip many times before. This time however my travelling companion will be my DS.

I have no regrets at all about having this surgery. There are things I miss, like sleeping in, but I would happily give up sleep forever before I go back to living the life I had prior to my surgery. I was unhealthy and unhappy. I am neither now.

I am however fearful of what a trip home entails. My body will do it's thing with blatant disregard of location or international time clock. If my calculations are correct I would be about 2 hours into a 14 hour flight between LA and Sydney when I would have to start my morning "bathroom routine". I will need immediate access to a wash room. I may need it for twenty minutes... or more. The space is small and not well ventilated. It won't be pretty. I cannot carry on a spray bottle of oust. I am scared... more so for my fellow passengers than myself.

What a thing to have to worry about. For some reason though it has been playing on my mind. I guess I have a year to try and work this out since that is when I plan to fly super long distance next.

In case you're all wondering - it's not all about the bathroom issues. They are manageable within the norms of my daily life. In fact it's not an issue at all. This long distance flying thing... another story...

I miss sleeping in

2008-03-22T06:17:00.003-04:00

As a mom, one of the most rewarding things that happens over time is that your child finally sleeps through the night. Then at some point in time they sleep in a little on the weekends. And then the holy grail - they get up, go downstairs and turn the tv on for themselves...and let you sleep. You know that Nirvana is just around the corner.

Along the way there are blips. Nightmares. A new puppy but generally all is good. And then along came the DS. Yes the Duodenal Switch is a blip. It is one that won't go away.

Let me explain. When my body starts to stir, and at times I can have that delay until a little later in the morning, it really starts to stir. There is none of this gentle waking up stuff. No laying around in the bed until your bladder tells you it's about to burst. It is all about, get up now or regret. The "now or else" threat is palatable. You do not take the risk. You get up. It's a race to the bathroom.

So on this long weekend I am up at 5 something. The numbers that follow don't matter. The bad news is that the first number is a 5. And it's followed by an "am". Ms 8 came into our room for some reason and once I'm awake, that's it, I'm done. I need to get up. Have to get up. The question is never about needing to go. It's about how many times I will go before I can finally ease my body onto the sofa for a little more shut eye. Sometimes, like today, there is time to do that. Usually there is not.

I miss that sense of lallygagging in bed. I miss sleeping in.

Want to hear about my yesterday?

2008-03-18T20:38:00.002-04:00

Well even if the answer is no, you're going to! So I fire a trainer but not without having a plan in place. One of our up and coming young stars from Burlington volunteered to go to Chelmsford for four weeks to support this class. At a days notice. Wow. So she gets on a bus at 5.30am to get down to the Buffalo airport - gets to the border and gets turned back. Apparently she is taking a job away from an Amercian blah blah blah. Ummm... no... her going down means that 10 Americans get trained to do the job they were starting on Monday. Her going down means that we have four weeks to recruit a replacement. Sheesh. Stupid power hungry custom dudes. We truly were trying to protect a group of new hires, not trying to pull a fast one.

The poor thing ended up back in the office. She was so flustered.

So that is how my day started, even before I walked in the door. Add in 9 different meetings all with distinct topics and trying to solve for this latest twist and I tell ya, by the end of the day I was done. Totally non functional. As a result I am way behind on some critical deliverables.

So in a few minutes I'll put Ms 8 to bed and then I'm going at it. It's cover the butt time. I've had my triple espresso shot power drink from Starbucks...I'm good to go baby!

Tough Week

2008-03-14T21:47:00.003-04:00

It's been a tough week. We did exit one of the trainers and while I totally feel that the right decision was made, in fact he made it very easy for me, I worry about those that are left behind. They don't have full information and they are fragile.

I worry too about the manager. She is trying hard but she is not a leader and I need leaders - I need someone to take ownership and show a depth of leadership that will inspire the team to rise above the issues. I am hoping that she can rise. I would like her to succeed. I need to find out what I need to do to best ensure that. Right now I'm not sure. I don't know if she always hears me.

With the events of the last week I am so behind on my deliverables. Given that we are going in front of the executive team on Thursday with a recommendation around remote agent I have to pull a rabbit out of the hat. My goal tonight is to sleep. My goal for the weekend is to juggle the family and work commitments so that neither comes away totally neglected. My goal for the week is to survive. To get through to Friday knowing I've contributed to the strategic success of the company. My goal for next Friday (a stat holiday here) is to sleep. I need to rest. I need to relax. I need to decompress.

Weight Update

2008-03-14T21:46:00.001-04:00

220.6lbs. Come on now... At this rate I'd be happy to lose just another 20.7lbs to say that I weighed less than 200lbs.

Sigh...

Tired.

2008-03-12T21:46:00.002-04:00

That's how I feel. Through and through. My brain is tired. My body is tired. I am over worked and it's starting to show. LOL... what a change from just five months ago when I was worried about not working.

There are a lot of things on the go right now. My new team is taking a lot of my time. I need to learn their business. I need to be client facing. I need to deal with their issues. My training team is struggling with some of the internal relationships. They are feeling undervalued and under appreciated. I am exiting someone from the business tomorrow. He has decided that he will not lead a class that he is scheduled to start on Monday. WTF???

So tomorrow he's gone. I'm flying someone from another country (yes, Canada is another country) to spend 4 weeks away from her family to provide the coverage we need. She volunteered to go. What a difference in work ethic and integrity. Couple that with the fact that she is a very talented trainer - she's going to go a long way. He is going out the door.

This stuff makes me tired. I feel like pieces of my worlds are colliding and I don't have quite enough skill/influence/opportunity to stop this from happening. I'm managing fall out. I hate being in a reactionary mode. I prefer visionary. I am strategic by choice.

Oh well - time to go snooze on the sofa before heading to bed ;)

F**k Off!

2008-03-09T12:17:00.003-04:00

That was the first thing out of my mouth this morning when I say what the plow had so kindly left at the bottom of the driveway. Three and half feet of snow - at least 10 ft across by 7 feet wide.

This pisses me off. Had there been an emergency there was no way we could have got out and there was no way that an emergency vehicle could have got in. Screw that - unless you were a mountain climber you weren't getting in, in a hurry this morning.

That type of gift was so not necessary. None of the neighbours were similarly bestowed (as you can see if you look across the road). This is the downside of living on a corner. As they round the corner they take all the crap with them, pick up some extra and dump it where they can.

The thing is - this is the first year that we've had this problem. And it's only happened twice but they both happened so be in the same week and quite frankly, I've got nowhere to put this stuff. This morning we had to push it out onto the to road before we could move it to the side. Neither hubby or I could lift it over the existing piles. They were just too high.

We took lots of photo's and for the first time in the 12 years we've lived in this town we will be making a complaint.

Grrrrrrr!!!!!!

On a happier note... Ms 8 thought it was a hoot.

I am SO over it...

2008-03-08T21:36:00.003-05:00

Winter that is. As a transplanted Australian I usually get a kick out of winter. When it snows it truly transforms the landscape. It is quite beautiful. But when I have 6 ft snow piles at the bottom of my driveway thanks to what seems like bi weekly major storms it starts to get a little old. It is no longer beautiful. It is just white.

Today we've had at least 50 cm of snow. My arms ache from lifting above my shoulders. My legs hurt. My butt hurts. Good news is that my back does not. Yay weight loss! But everything else does hurt.

Tonight, after shovelling the last 15 - 20cm, I had hubby take some photo's. If they turn out I will post one shortly. It's like we're living on a weird white planet. It looks almost lunar. Whatever it is, I have had enough.

Now the waiting game starts. No, not waiting for spring. Waiting for the plough to come through. You just know it's not going to be pretty.

Weight Update

2008-03-07T12:47:00.002-05:00

This morning 220.2lbs. It slowly seems to be moving in the right direction. I have bounced in the 225 - 215 range for so long now that I am not able to get excited by it. But I am hopeful.

I do feel different since having the Mirena IUD removed.I am far less bloated. In the last 2 weeks I have lost 6lbs. I have not lost at this rate in a long long time. If you are looking at your birth control options post surgery think very carefully before going towards this product. There are many who do just fine with it but a good percentage, 10%, of women experience weight gain.

I am so proud

2008-03-06T20:05:00.002-05:00

Today was report card day for Ms 8. She earned two A-'s. These were her lowest grades. She got 4 A+'s and the rest were all solid A's. The behavioural stuff was all E's (Excellent). School work comes naturally for this kid but at the same time she puts in the effort. Talk about a positive message in terms of hard work = rewards.

We pay for grades. We have a system whereby they can earn around $300 a year. $80 of this needs to be used to pay for summer vacation, whether summer vacation is Disney or it's the backyard. It's the price of entry. The basic premise is that if you work hard in life you will be able to afford the special things such as vacations and special treats. If you do not, then these things will be few and far between. Right now, their school is their job. Ms 8 gets it. She will walk away with several hundred dollars spending money for her vacation.

I am very proud of her.

Bless you me

2008-03-06T07:01:00.002-05:00

My morning smile. As I sit here trying to motivate myself to get into the shower Ms 8 sneezes. When she sneezes she quietly says "bless you me" and continues to do what she's doing. It's one of those cute things that I don't have the heart to correct. Listening out for the little things are important...

Kids

2008-03-05T14:19:00.002-05:00

It's been a while since I've done a kids update. For those of you who have been following the trials and tribulations of my kids the saga certainly continues:

Mr 16 is still with us. We were already to have him change schools but the public school near his mom has a lousy reputation - it would have meant taking him from one set of issues and putting him in an environment where he could potentially have to deal with far worse. Not happening. So the only other option was a Catholic high school. Both Mr 16 and his mom had fundamental issues with that. Mr 16 because he is a self professed agnostic and very much against the bureaucracy of organized religion. No one can claim that the catholic church is nothing if not bureaucratic. His mom because her other ex spouse is raising their children as catholics and she has seen a level of fanaticism that concerns her. So the best option was to leave him where he was. And so far it's working out ok. I think the impending move combined with some very pointed feedback in his last report card has made him realize that we were not talking out of our rear ends in terms of the impact he was having on his future prospects. It'll be interesting to see if the effort continues. I am hopeful.

Mr 14 has taken Mr 16's place as ass of the household. The more I think about it the more I am convinced that they have a calendar in their room and they make conscious decisions about who's turn it is to be the bigger pain in the butt. Right now it is squarely Mr. 14. Moody, insolent, petulant, obnoxious, self serving are just a few descriptors that come to mind. Life is tough for him. It's all his fault when really it isn't. He's being picked on. Hmmm... I wonder if he's been chatting with the afore mentioned manager. I see a common theme!

Ms 8 is Ms 8. She is smart, funny and bossy as all sin. She needs to be correct all of the time, which typically she is but she has not yet learned the art of grace. She is doing exceptionally well at school - I have not seen anything come home that was not some shade of 'A' - but she doesn't take feedback well. She takes it so personally when you try to give her advice on what she could do differently. I'm thinking this will always be a challenge for her.

The three of them get along like cats and dogs. When I travel it is absolutely brutal. Ms 8 cries to the point of hysteria. She calls me. She calls her dad. Dad does not do well with this stuff. Dad gets so stressed that he tells me I need to find another job. I do not want to do this. Get the picture?

It's all about the little things and teaching the three of them to back off from the little things. I need the boys to understand that when I am gone Ms 8 is particularly vulnerable and rather than use it as an opportunity to got at it without her having Mommy's protection, what I need them to do is show empathy. To reach out to her. To distract her. To put their needs aside. I need it for half and hour in the morning and about 2 hours at night. The rest of the time that can be the selfish teenagers they seem to prefer to be. Ms 8 has a definite part to play in all this. We're working on it but the bottom line is, she is only 8.

I will do one more trip. If it doesn't work I will need to seriously think about changing jobs. It will be devastating to me to have to do that but my family has to come first. I am not yet at the point where I could do this without resentment. I hope for all our sakes that if it becomes necessary that I can find the strength to do that.

Speaking of kids - time to head out and pick them up. I am working/blogging from home today. I have a meeting with my training managers at 3.30pm that I need to dial in for so time to get my butt into gear. My very sore butt. But that's another post... a weather post... bring on summer!

Parental Update

2008-03-05T14:01:00.004-05:00

You know when I've reached my limit...I need to blog. To write it all out.

I spoke with Mum last night and got the latest on both her and dad's health.

Dad does have leukemia, a type known as CLL. It is not an aggressive form and at this stage does not require medication, just monitoring. Colds and flu's need to be watched for since his body will not be able to fight infection off as efficiently as an otherwise healthy person but overall it could be a lot worse. His life expectancy is 10 years which will bring him to the ripe old age of 75. Not bad. He is refusing to talk about it though. My guess is that he doesn't want to worry Mum. He knows that she will go first and does not want to add the burden of his health onto her already full plate. He probably is also very scared. In all reality he will die alone. That's a hard thing to face.

My mother had another scan and it looks like the cancer has not grown at all since last time. She is having problems with her digestive system which is being treated and her pancreas is not performing at full functionality (which is to be expected with pancreatic cancer). She is a bit of an anomaly in the cancer world in that she has been on chemotherapy for more than two years. In that time she has only needed one blood transfusion (last month) to help stabilize her blood counts. She is in no pain. This is very unusual. It is very unusual for anyone to tolerate treatment for such an extended period of time let alone do relatively well at it. I always knew that my mother was a stubborn sod but who would have been able to predict that it would stand her in such good stead.

I let her know last night that I was going to try and swing a trip to visit in Mar/April 2009. Financially it should be very doable, it will be more about having it gel for work and family. I would like to take Ms 8 with me if at all possible. She is doing well at school and can easily afford the time off. The boys not so much. I really want to do this. I need to do this. My last trip was a goodbye trip but it was too long ago. I want Ms 8 to see her grandparents one more time. I want my parents to see the new and somewhat improved me. I want to see them both. We'll see... I've already planted the seed at work, I'll keep at them.

People

2008-03-05T13:42:00.002-05:00

People are funny things. Especially around performance appraisal time. To provide some context - I currently have a management team of 7 who manage about 55 people between them. As you would expect with any group there are high performers and there are low. Where the funny comes into it is how people perceive themselves.

There are some on my team who are truly brilliant. They have raised the bar in so many ways and yet they don't see it. They are surprised, pleasantly so, by their ratings and the resultant compensation increases. Then there are others who are struggling. Who have consistently heard that they are struggling through the coaching that they are receiving. Who inherently must know that they are struggling because they feel out of control or out of the loop. And yet are surprised, unpleasantly so, by their low ratings and lack of compensation. The latter have me shaking my head. With experience and promotion I would expect a certain level of self awareness. I expect you to take accountability for your own actions and decisions. I expect that you can say "ya know, it wasn't my best year but I'm committed to the job and here is what I will do to turn it around" or "ya know, I don't think this is the right fit for me and I am choosing to leave". I do not expect to hear "it's not my fault". Ummm... who's fault is it? If you choose not to build the relationships, if you choose not to reach out if you are struggling, if you choose not to learn the business that you are managing, if you choose not to manage your people, then yeah, it's your fault. This is a natural consequence of the decisions you made. Stand up and be the manager we're paying you to be. It's not your fault? Please!

Weight Update

2008-03-05T09:09:00.001-05:00

Yesterday: 223.6lbs
Today: 221lbs
Tomorrow: Your guess is as good as mine!

Weight Update

2008-03-03T20:06:00.002-05:00

This morning I was back up to 224.8lbs... I really don't know what's going on. So today I decided to mix it up and make it a high refined sugar day. And boy did that do the trick.

Sugar is a sure fire laxative to the Dser. Excessive amounts will have you running. Frequently. Violently. A little sugar has no effect on me. Even a medium amount doesn't cause me any issues (thank to Flagyl no doubt) but throw in copious amount of jelly beans and watch out! The toughest part was when I was doing a presentation in front of a class of new hires. I could feel it gurgling. I could feel the tell tale gentle cramping. It was a race to see who could finish first...me or my digestive system. You know it's bad when you're colleague stands up at her desk holding a sign "eat real food!" after she heard me reach for the 1000th gourmet jelly bean (saying gourmet makes it better don't you know...) When on conference calls all day, mixing it up makes it very easy since I don't have to go out and locate said "real food".

Oh brother...the things you do to yourself. So tomorrow we follow up with a high protein day. As bad as it sounds - this was planned. I will be happy to never see another jelly bean again. It got to the point that I just wanted to brush my teeth and drink a gallon of water. Yuk. Please please let the scales reflect in the right way cause otherwise I'm going to seem/feel especially stupid and misinformed.

Weight Update

2008-02-29T23:32:00.002-05:00

This morning, after four days away, my weight was... drum roll please... 221.6lbs. Still not back to my lowest weight but 5lbs less than I was 6 days ago. I'll take it.

I'm not going to get too excited yet but early indications are that I may have been right on the money about the IUD. A couple more weeks should tell me more.

The trip, from a food perspective, was quite a good one. I must say though that I surprised myself by the sheer volume of food I can now eat in one sitting. One night I had steak, a whole serving, plus mashed potatoes. Another I had a chunk of veal plus appetisers. Another steak again (trying to get my iron in check) with potatoes. Solid serving sizes and while I was full I didn't ever feel stuffed. And still I lost weight. Man, this DS is an amazing tool.

Back to Basics

2008-02-23T20:44:00.002-05:00

The IUD is gone. What an anti climax that was. I was expecting the same sort of excruciating pain as when the stupid thing went in... nothing. I am now free of the Mirena. Once the hormones are out of my body I am expecting that the weight loss will kick in again.

This mornings weight was 226.6lbs. Not impressed but it is what it is, and for me it is my newest starting point. I am hoping that it's all down fill from here... well, at least for another 70lbs or so.

I am having a high protein day today and loving it. I feel better. The sugar tastes amazing but it doesn't feel nearly as good. I need to bottle this feeling and remember it for those mid afternoon periods when I go in search of something sweet.

I'm traveling for the next week so I am going to try very hard to stay very low carb. It is totally doable and being so busy actually should make it easier.

Time to start working this tool that OHIP so generously paid for and that the miraculous Dr L crafted.

STOMP

2008-02-18T21:03:00.002-05:00

What an amazing show. Funny, smart, uplifting. Who would have thought that garbage cans, brooms, rubber tubes and a stack load of talent would be so much fun.

Last night, as a result of a very last minute decision, we took in the show STOMP in Buffalo. Hubby had heard of it and though it definitely wasn't on his list of "must sees" he thoroughly enjoyed the experience. We all did. Ms 8 was fascinated by the whole thing. It was so much fun seeing her laugh at the slap stick humour while hubby and I got a giggle out of it's more adult sub context.

After the show we headed out to the Anchor Bar - home of the Bufflo wing. We got a bucket load (plus 20) to go and headed back to the hotel for a late dinner, a soak in the hot tub and a piece of Godiva cheesecake for desert. Life is pretty grand.

The cheesecake deserves a paragraph all by itself. The scene - the Cheesecake factory. The cast - a 7 inch anniversary Godiva chocolate cheesecake. The price- $25. The taste - priceless. A little piece of heaven found it's way into that recipe. If you have any appreciation for good chocolate and you happen to be near a Cheesecake factory I would highly recommend it. It;s hard to describe the smooth, rich, velvety taste... ok, yes I am salivating!

All up it was a great weekend... a much needed rest. I am ready for what is shaping up to be another crazy busy week.

Going Shopping

2008-02-16T12:49:00.002-05:00

It's a long weekend. In all it's wisdom the Ontario government decided to create a new stat holiday in February, Family Day, to break up this most miserable of months in a northern climate. So we have a long weekend.

On the one hand I am really not liking it because I have so much work to do and this coming Monday was the first day in a long time that I don't have eight hours of meetings booked. On the other hand it's kinda nice to have the choice taken away from you. It is a holiday. I will be home.

So to further make it feel like a real get away we are going across the border for a few days. We need to remodel the bathroom (no we have not done it since the leak occurred in October) and we're going to look at fixtures. We're having trouble finding exactly the right thing - maybe we'll get lucky looking elsewhere. I also need a few more work clothes. As much as I hate to buy more clothes my current size, I don't have quite enough to get me through the winter. I gave away all my size 18 dress clothes which I was wearing every now and then so I really have no spares. Ms 8 also needs some more clothes. Nothing extravagant - we just need new a few things and may as well take the opportunity to turn it into a mini vacation. I wasn't too keen at first but the idea is definitely growing on me. At least when I'm away there is nothing I can do about all the stuff that needs to be done. It truly means I have no choice but to relax and that can't be all bad.

So we're all set to go. The bags are backed. My dear friend Laural is taking the dog for a few days meaning she will be well loved (I so hope she doesn't pee on your carpet this time pal). The kiddo is off at a cub event and as soon as she is done we'll hit the road. Just don't tell hubby that I'm going to sneak in my blackberry...

Speaking of my friend... she is on a first date as I type. With a doctor. I am so dying to hear how it went. She is a good person who deserves good things to come her way. I am hoping that Dr M is a true Dr Dreamy.

Four Months

2008-02-15T21:39:00.002-05:00

It is hard to believe that I have been in my job for a whole four months. Only four months. In the last four months I have earned my salary many times over. The last two weeks have been nothing short of insane. I went from a team of 32 to a team of 64. The new team is an area that I have much to learn about. It is an area that has some superstars and some, well, problem children. The kind of shake your head, why are you here type of problem children. This is taking an inordinate amount of my time. Thank goodness my training managers are in a strong place. They have all stepped up and made my current learning possible. I am so thankful to them.

The company itself I love. I love everything about it. The craziness. The fun. The growing pains as we transition from being a capital venture company to being part of one of the largest companies in the world. The people are amazing. The environment is collaborative but demanding. I am learning. I am contributing. I am challenged. I go home knowing I've earned every penny they pay me. It's a good feeling. I had lost that sense in my previous job. I feel valued. That too is an amazing feeling.

Life is good. I have my hands more than full but for now that is ok.

Dirty Laundry, Teenagers and Saving Time

2008-02-15T21:27:00.002-05:00

I have discovered a wicked new pleasure. It fills me with a sense of satisfaction that I have not felt in a long time. It has eased frustrations that have been building for years. I feel empowered.

Want to share in my secret? Want to feel the same? The answer is simple... when your teenagers finally throw 2 - 3 weeks of laundry into the laundry room to be washed, after repeated requests to do it daily, rather than wash it obediently (begrudgingly) check each piece and if it doesn't seem too dirty or too smelly simply put it back in their clean laundry basket. Oh my goodness the power!

I first heard about this trick from a book about terrible housewives... a tongue in cheek look at how to cut corners. It made me laugh then. It piqued my interest. But man, I had no idea how good it would feel.

Coming home to a mountain of washing when I had already done the laundry for the week has long been one of my pet peeves. Quite frankly it pisses me off no end. Why on earth do I have to pay for their laziness month in and month out? Well tonight, after a really insane week I decided that I wasn't going to do it. I simply don't have time. From the looks of it some of their clothes were in the wash simply because a) they had not bothered to put the last set of clean clothes away or b) they had hit the floor because they were wet from the walk home from school. Those went into the basket. Dirty clothes, all underwear and socks will be washed but the other stuff... well, not this time.

I feel like I've won a battle that has long plagued this nation. I have won a small battle against teenage laziness. I have cut my wash load by about half for today. I feel powerful.

Some would say this is sad. For those of you with slob like children you would know that this is fantastic... Grinning from ear to ear...

Weight Update

2008-02-13T21:01:00.002-05:00

Todays weight - 221.4. As you can see I truly have not lost any weight. In fact I've gained a few pounds.

Next Thursday I have my appointment with the GYN and that IUD is so GONE. I don't know if this is the answer but I need to level the playing field. I can't assess whether this is truly a case of me screwing up, my DS "window" being closed or the IUD messing with the process. It's the one thing that's new so it's the thing that is going first.

From there we will reassess.

After the joy (not) of having the thing inserted I had planned to take the whole day off when it came out. The pain was miserable. But as luck would have it I am delivering business updates throughout the afternoon and night to our call centre staff. I'm seeing some pain killers in my immediate future... hopefully I can stay semi lucid.

So the 21st will be the day. I will do one more weight update on that day... no point until then. Then we'll go back to daily as my body rids itself of the hormones... it'll be just like a science experiment...

Enough Already!

2008-02-12T21:20:00.002-05:00

For the record I have had enough. Of winter that is. Of snow. Holy crap we've had a lot of the white stuff this year. The snow piles at the bottom of the driveway are about 5ft (make that 6 now!) high right now. It just doesn't want to let up!

On the plus side - shoveling is so much easier now. I can shovel to my hearts content and not feel like said heart is about to give up and die. My back, herniated disk and all, is doing great. My legs hurt more than anything else. I am in awe. All of this is thanks to the duodenal switch. Without it there is no way that I can do what I have been doing.

So yes I have had enough. Yes I am tired of shoveling but heck... I CAN shovel... that's kinda cool.

The weary traveler returns

2008-02-11T20:30:00.000-05:00

It's amazing how 1 day turns into 2 turns into 3 and all of a sudden you haven't written for 3 weeks. This is the longest time I haven't written and it's pretty much symptomatic of how I deal with life. When I am not in control I go into hiding.

Don't get me wrong - most parts of life are great.

My job is definitely keeping me on my toes. All day I make decisions that push our company in the direction that we need to go. All day I am responsible for the working lives of 63 people. My decisions have immediate impact which can be all reverberating. I make decisions about direction. About strategy. About people. It comes with a lot of responsibility which I take seriously. I have to.

At home I am the central cog. I am the one the spins around so that the others around me spin. It is my responsibility, assumed or given, to ensure that my family is fed, that clothes are clean, that each person is where they need to be every day. Add that to the workload of my job and I pretty much make big, and small, decisions all day. There are real ramifications, big and small, if I screw up. I am ok with that.

But what I seem to have trouble with is making the decisions I need to make for myself. It is like I have nothing left to give. I do make the decision to take my supplements. The ramification of not taking them scares the crap out of me. That's where my diligence ends. I eat too many carbs. I drink too little water. I get too little sleep. I get too little exercise. I have not lost weight in four months... or is it five? I feel ok but I am stuck. I am disheartened beyond belief and yet I am not taking control... I need to have an area of my life where I do not have to have that level of control and this is the one area where I truly hurt noone but myself. Don't get me wrong, I don't think my decision making was that calculated and lucid, I don't think I've ever thought of it in that manner until now... reflecting on what can be driving this stupidity it's the only thing I can think of... I need to be allowed to be a little irresponsible.

Maybe that's what I need. I need to find something that I can let go of. Something that doesn't need me to 'drive' it. Something that will allow me to refocus and be a little selfish for me. My boss, or now peer, runs. She's dedicated and hardworking. She has a family. She travels as much as I do. But each day she gets up and runs. During this time she takes that time to centre herself and I think she benefits greatly from it. Not only does she look great but she has a peace within her that I seem to have lost. I will never run (and I mean never) but I obviously need to find something that will give me that sense of focus that doesn't result in resentment of needing to be in control.

I'm babbling. I am really trying to 'type' my way through what is a really confusing time in my weight loss journey. I'm not sure if it is still a journey or whether I have truly come to an end... in which case the posts that follow will need to be about redefining who and what I am beyond someone who blogs about her weight loss surgery.

From somewhere, and right now I have no idea where, I have to find the inner strength to take control. I don't know whether I can... or whether I want to. The latter is my worse fear. Lack of ability is one thing, lack of will is a character flaw in my eyes. It scares me more.

Ho Hum...

2008-01-21T20:54:00.000-05:00

218.6 Bored yet? I am...lol

I spoke with my Dr. today about getting the IUD yanked. She was a little surprised but that's ok. I wasn't asking her, I was informing her of what I was about to do.

I also spoke with her about a weird pain I've had the last week which starts in my upper gum and shoots up around my nose. Weird. Painful as sin. Quick. I didn't really think anything of it the first couple of times but it occurred enough for it to rate a mention while I was there. She wants my dentist to take a look.

I also mentioned it to my neurologist today while I was having my annual MS checkup. He also suggested the dentist after doing a thorough examination but more as a rule it out option. It could be some form of neuralgia. Apparently MS patients are more susceptible to it. I looked it up. The nickname for it is the "suicide disease". This does not please me.

I am not getting too worked up about it - we'll see if it continues. If it does then I'll acknowledge that I have a problem. Apparently the pain is the worse known to man, hence the nickname. I'm hoping for a cavity!

Weight Update

2008-01-19T21:42:00.000-05:00

217 something... at least that's 4lbs down from the last few days. Amazing what a fat loaded day can do for the digestive system. I swear I pooped out all 4lbs! Now there's a picture you wish I hadn't left you with.

Aging Parents

2008-01-18T06:27:00.000-05:00

My mum was 18 when she had me. My dad 23. They were young and stupid. That was 42 years ago and growing up I was always very aware of how young my parents were. As I got older it obviously became a blessing because I realized that my parents would likely be around for a long time. Once I got part my teenage years that was a very comforting thought.

But we all continue to age. And now they are older. Mum is 60 and Dad 65. Both have had their challenges with illness over recent years.

Mum is into year three of living with pancreatic cancer. Her body has accommodated two years of chemotherapy quite well. Last blood test showed that her cancer count was higher than it had been but no need for panic yet. She has another follow-up in February so at that point we should know more in terms of this being an uphill trend or whether it was just a blip.

Two years ago, at the same time that Mum was diagnosed, dad was recovering from his first, and almost fatal, colon cancer surgery. Since then he has had a second surgery and was diagnosed with diabetes that also almost killed him. Although he feels well, a few months ago it was noticed that his white blood cell count was elevated. The ruling is back. Leukemia. We will know more about what type at the end of February but the specialist is speculating that he may have another 10 years. If that's the case then he's lived a long life even despite the recent challenges.

What struck with though is that in 10 years I will have no parents left. At some point the cancer will take Mums life. She is doing remarkably well given that this is a particularly nasty cancer but in the end it will win. Dad will follow after her. And even though you know that at some point your parents will die I have actually been given a medical opinion as to when it may happen. I have a more definitive idea, rather than the vague notion that at some point age will get us all. It's an odd sensation and quite frankly I'm still processing it. I found out about dad only last night.

Didn't see that one coming!

2008-01-17T20:13:00.000-05:00

January 15th was my 90 day anniversary at my new job. In Ontario that now means that it's harder to get rid of me. Always a comforting thought right?

Well today I was due to have an update meeting with my boss. Her boss joined us. They are going to announce an organizational restructure. My boss is now my ex boss. Her boss is now my new boss. And my world just more than doubled in size. I went from five managers to eight, I went from a total team of 32 to around 70. I think I've just been promoted. Did I mention I've been there just three months?

I'm extremely flattered. I've obviously done something right. I'm also a little shell shocked. My lack of time to pee is well documented = how the heck am I going to manage this one? Holy crap.

The announcements will be made on Monday and at that time I will be able to share more information. I need that time to absorb what is being asked of me. I have so much to learn. I already had a lot to learn. Did I say holy crap? Just in case, holy crap!

It's been quite the week.

For those of you that have been following my journey you may recall that I was offered one role with this company but before I signed on the dotted line was offered the Director of Training role instead. The person who was the training director then took the original role I was offered. That person, my predecessor, was let go on Tuesday. Then this. Holy crap. I think I need to buy a lottery ticket.

I can honestly say that I did not see this one coming.

I think I've figured it out.

2008-01-16T20:24:00.001-05:00

The moodiness, the cravings, the stupid eating... I'm pregnant.

Oh wait...no I'm not. I have an IUD. Since October. Weightloss has stalled. Since October. Hmmm. Google "weight gain IUD". The first post up was about Mirena. Hmmm. That's the one I have. Much reading later and I have decided that this sucker is coming out. There is enough evidence to indicate that some woman (10%) gain weight with Mirena. I have stalled but should have lost about 15lbs on a conservative estimate. So a stall is like a "normal" persons gain. So - whether I am right or wrong it's coming out.

I did not have my insides surgically rearranged to have it foiled by a little...well..foil. I would rather take the pill and the increased risk of anemia than this. I have been acting more pregnant than when I was pregnant. I never had mood swings. I sure as heck do now. My boobs are fuller. I don't need that.

Feb 21st was to be my three month check up. This is now the date for me to get rid of this thing and hopefully free my body to do what it has been designed to do. Lose weight.

Thank you

2008-01-15T12:02:00.001-05:00

I just had coffee with a person whom I am very lucky to call a friend. I feel better. Laural also had the DS surgery, about 7 months after I did, so she understands what it is to go through the surgery. While my experience is obviously different than hers what she has given me is the gift of perspective. It was so helpful for me today to sit and talk about where I'm at and to listen to her challenges. It all goes back to what I harp on about on a regular basis - support through this journey is so all important. Maybe I need to listen to myself a little more and reach out in a tangible way.

Laural I hope you know what an amazing person you are. Thank you for being you.

Writing the difficult stuff

2008-01-15T09:06:00.000-05:00

Being honest is sometimes difficult. Often people are hurt by honesty. Being honest to yourself is at times the most difficult thing of all. It can leave you feeling vulnerable, unsure...sometimes it's easier to play ostrich than be honest.

If I was being honest I would openly declare that I have had enough of playing the DS game. I would declare that I am no longer enjoying the process and I am not getting the same level of pleasure out of the results. I would have to tell everyone that as much as I try I am struggling to eat for success. My biggest fear is that I am not eating for health let alone for weight loss. I would state that I feel like I was spiraling out of control.

But to be honest would mean opening myself up to criticism. Being honest would mean having to hear things that I may not want to hear, even though those things need to be said. I would need to hear that I can't live my instant gratification alone. I would hear that I made a commitment and if I want to live a healthy life I have no choice but to stay the course. Eat the way I need to to. Take vitamins the way I need to (and I do). Drink the water than I need to (5 bottles yesterday).

I feel like a fraud.

And I feel so tired. For the past few weeks... all the time. It is likely not the weight loss, or lack there of. It is more likely my Multiple Sclerosis giving me a run for my money. It happens. But it reminds me too that even though I am thinner, there is still shit in my life (like the MS) that doesn't go away. It will still take whatever course it's going to take. It's one of the big unknowns.

I wonder if that's why I'm struggling in part. It's the lack of certainty that I will succeed. If I give it my best shot and fail, then it makes me a failure right? It means that I'm not capable. If I fail but haven't yet given it my best shot then it merely means that I haven't tried enough...right? In question is my will, not my ability.

I'm rambling. I guess I needed to get it out. Now I need to figure it out. Because if I was being honest with myself I would recognize that I truly have a problem.

Holy Crap 221.5

2008-01-13T20:28:00.000-05:00

5 lbs in a day... I know it can't be "real"... I don't eat 5lbs worth in a day but man when you're as messed up as I am about your weight it sure as heck feels real. This stuff just sucks!

I just wanted to say a quick thanks to Kimmer for commenting on my last post. Kim is a DS success story personified. She made a comment about exercise (yeah I know) and water. 80 oz a day. For us metric folks that 2.5 litres or 10 glasses a day. Of water. With nothing in it. Yuk.

Seriously though she raises a good point. I do not drink plain water. I drink green tea, I drink iced tea, I drink crystal light, I drink coke zero, I drink Starbucks. I developed an aversion to the taste of water with my surgery and in order to get in enough fluid I started to flavour it from day one. I've never gone back. Maybe that's something I need to look at.

I also need to exercise. I have said it so many times and yet here I sit not having started a thing. No need to shake your heads at me - I'm shaking my head at me.

The water thing I can do. Tomorrow I will take 5 bottles to work with me. If I do it at work I stand half a chance. My challenge will be getting to the washroom since my time is seriously tide up all day, nearly every day. But I'll give it a shot. Let's start there and then work up to the next change.

Thanks for the suggestion Kim - I really appreciate it. I will also track down your email - I have some questions around exercise. I clearly need help with that.

Weight Update

2008-01-12T21:57:00.000-05:00

Yesterday 218.8, today 216.4... just call me yo yo.

It's starting to get the point that I am beginning to wonder whether I'll ever reach my goal weight. For the past three months I have been hovering at this weight. Am I unhappy with it? When I look at where I have come from the answer is no. I am thrilled that I look different, feel different...heck, I am different. Am I pleased with it overall. No.

With a BMI of 31 I am still obese. The fact that I had a BMI of 51 doesn't mean much when the word obese is still part of the descriptor. I need to lose another 11lbs just to be overweight. That seems like a long way away at this point.

Doing the right thing is tough when the hoped for results aren't materializing... I need to reframe what my picture of success looks like.

Weight Update

2008-01-09T08:29:00.001-05:00

217.8lbs. 'nuff said

Weight Update

2008-01-07T21:01:00.001-05:00

217.4lbs

Food today:

3 boiled eggs
1 protein shake
Brie and lavash crackers
1 cup of mixed nuts
2/3 cup bbq pork
3 skewers of chicken satay
1 cup pot roast
1 SF venti caramal machiatto breve (to be known as CMB from now on)
1 cracker with peanut butter.

I will eat again - I am having a hungry day. My body is telling me it needs to eat. And it really is a need. I started to burp. It's always a sure fire sign that either I'm hungry or I'm full. Thank goodness there is a difference in the accompanying sensation else I'd be screwed!

The weight is doing the down a little, up a little dance. I'm not too happy about that but I do feel better so I'll keep plugging away. Tomorrow I may even get in a... wait for it... walk... gasp. I said it!

Memories

2008-01-07T20:42:00.000-05:00

Form so much of who we are. Memories of our childhood, our friends, our family. All are building blocks in the life that we build for ourselves.

I've always thought that I have a very good memory. My short term memory, up until the aging process started to kick in, was phenomenal. Lately it's been ok but nothing to write home about.

That however is not my concern. What I realized on the weekend, and what has disturbed me greatly, is that I have very few memories of my high school years. My memories of my pre teens are sketchy but they are there. I have very little memory of any of my high school years. I can't remember teachers names nor do I have a visual of these people that I spent so much time with, I remember some of my classes only vaguely, others not at all. I remember certain events, like the time I was in the choir for my fair lady but I remember very little about the productions themselves. I know there were several but not from memory, from logic. The production was huge, we must have done it more than once. I remember sitting outside on the concrete, legs smothered in baby oil as we fried ourselves brown. I don't remember graduating. But I did.

Is it normal to have so few memories? Today I am remembering a little more than when we were sitting in my favourite restaurant swapping high school stories. The conversation was very one sided.

Out of curiousity I googled memory loss today. Maybe this is a result of my MS? Unlikely. Apparently the MS is much more likely to affect short term memory than long term remote memory. It could be mental illness. Again unlikely. It could be repression caused by a traumatic experience that I had. If that's the case I don't know about it and quite frankly don't want to think about it. So I have no more answers than I did when I started looking into it.

It is disturbing to think that so much of me is missing. How can I honestly relate to my children as they go through the challenges of high school if I don't remember mine? What happened then that shaped who I am today? I don't know. Weird.

The weekends go so fast

2008-01-06T20:44:00.000-05:00

I really wish I could have appreciated unemployment when I had it... the weekends go so fast! There is simply no time to get things done... well, to get everything done. Today was a pretty productive one. Most of the Christmas stuff is packed away, Ms 8 got her hair cut, Ms 8's room is nearly tidy (and that took some serious doing!), I cooked dinner (which we didn't eat...long story) and I got the laundry done. Not bad. I even managed to get in my daily Starbucks so all is well with the world.

Weight this morning 216.4 lbs.

Doing good on the liquid, protein is a little low today I think and carbs are a little higher but that's ok. Tomorrow I'm shooting for an ultra low carb day, then the next a little higher. I'm subscribing to the "mix it up" theory but generally keeping to the high protein low carb regime.

Work is going to get even more insane since we are entering performance appraisal time. This year should be interesting since I haven't even been there for 3 months yet but will be responsible for delivering appraisals to my five managers. It just means a lot of work this time around getting everyone's input - I owe it to them to get them a balanced review. I'm sensing a few work at home days in my future as I try to plow through this stuff.

The kids go back to school tomorrow and it's time to get the bets in... how long before we get the first call or first email from one of Mr 16's teachers? My money is on 13 days.

Time to grab a drink and relax with hubby for a little while before heading off to bed. One of these days I'm going to get smart and start going to bed before midnight. This 5 - 6 hour sleep stuff if just silly.

Day 3

2008-01-05T19:30:00.000-05:00

Weight: 216lbs

Not getting excited yet. I've been here before. I need to see a sustained loss that gets me below 215 before I get excited.

Food today:

5 chicken satays (50g)
1 cup of mixed nuts (22g)
1 protein shake (35g)
1 Venti SF Caramel, caramel machiatto breve (14g)
Pork Tenderloin (35g)
1/2 cup mashed potatoes
2 dark chocolate squares

It's been a good food day. Lots of protein and just a little carb for variation. I've been focusing on my fluids - green tea and coke zero have been favorites. It's funny I haven't been a real fan of pop but coke zero is one that I can drink without feeling like I'm going to explode. It's helping get over the sweet cravings... whatever works right?

January Challenge - Day 2

2008-01-04T22:40:00.000-05:00

So it's been two days since I decided that I really needed to stop being a train wreck... the rails wobbled a bit on day one, today was better. Copy and pasted from emails I sent myself...

Thursday 3rd

This morning 219.2

Breakfast - 3 boiled eggs (18g)

Snack - 1 cup of mixed nuts (22g)

Snack - 1 can of Weider Pure Pro protein shake (35g)

And then there was downfall. I thought I'd have time to go out to buy my lunch. I was wrong.

2 bags of potato chips (6g protein... and less than 50g of carbs!)

and then 2 donuts from the vending machine. Not what I was going for but is what I got. I ate them because I was hungry and simply could not wait. Crap. Oh well... there's still at least 10 hours of this day for me to redeem myself. I am sensing a high protein dinner in my very near future!

Dinner: Chicken Korma and Naan bread

Great Website: http://www.highproteinfoods.net/

'Twas not a good day in the end.

Friday 4th

This morning 217.2

Definitely not reflective of my eating yesterday but...whatever! The learning for me was that I have to have food with me at work. I cannot plan to go out for lunch. It simply doesn't work.

Today:

Breakfast: Brie cheese on chipolte flavoured Lavash crackers (30g), Iced venti SF caramel, caramel macchiato, breve (14g)

Snack: Protein Shake (35g)

Lunch: left over Chicken Korma (25g?)
Snack: 1 cup of nuts (22g)
Dinner: 1 chili cheese burrito (15g)
Snack: Iced Venti Concoction that I had this morning (14 g)
Snack: 2 cookies and some chocolate

I feel better today - I feel more in control even though my carbs ended up being a little higher than I would have liked. It'll be interesting to see if the scale responds to me eating more...more protein and more fat.

RIP Lucie

2008-01-04T22:38:00.000-05:00

The main purpose of this post is not to talk about what I did or did not eat but to reflect, yet again on the drastic measure that is weight loss surgery.

A bit of context.

Yesterday morning, Lucie, mom to Brianna and Maxim, wife to Stephane passed away. She had the DS surgery with Dr L in October. The surgery itself went well. She died as a result of infection of the surgical wound. Lucie had her surgery in Michigan but was treated for her infection in Ottawa. There is obviously a lot more to the story than I write here but the details right now are not important.

Yesterday two children lost their mom and it has profoundly affected me. For many of us who make the decision to take the life altering step of surgery to treat our obesity, one of the driving forces behind that decision is/was our children. We want to be around to see our children grow. We want to be the role models we know we should be. We want to be able to be there for our children in a very real way... to get down on the floor to play with them, to run after them, to be able to sit in the seats at the hockey arena and cheer them on, to have them never experience the taunting of others because their parent is so super fat. We make the decision to "live" for our children, all the while knowing that the very surgery we need could take that life away from our children. Each of us, before surgery, experienced the fear of what that could look like. I blogged about it when I first started this blog. I know I am not alone in this.

All those emotions I felt before my surgery have come back now as I think of those two children. I did not know Lucie well. We were members of the same board at obesityhelp.com. We knew that there was an infection but her posts were upbeat. Dr L was involved. They sent her home with home nursing care. All this indicated to getting better. We did not expect this. I'm sure her husband and children did not expect this.

I know my post is circuitous at best. I'm not sure if there is any one single point that I'm trying to make. So many thoughts.

To the newbies please know - what happened to Lucie is extremely rare. It was not the DS surgery that killed her. It was an infection. An infection that you could get when you go for dental work. For any surgery. You need to be aware of the risks of the DS. You need to be aware of the risks of general surgery. You need to listen to your body and self advocate when things are not as they should be

To Lucie's family - you are in my thoughts constantly. I am shedding tears for your loss - she was a wonderful, warm person.That came through clearly in her posts. I cannot begin to comprehend your pain right now.

To Dr L - I am sorry for your loss. I know that you feel a great sense of responsibility for all your patients and I know that this has also profoundly affected you. You have provided so many of us here in Ontario with a new lease on life and even though you are physically in another country you have always been accessible to us when we needed it.

Hope and Inspiration

2008-01-02T11:06:00.001-05:00

For all you new DSers or DS want to be's there is a blog that is simply a must read. Tia of Getting Switched fame is a woman whom I admire greatly. She has achieved an amazing level of success already and continues on her journey with incredible insight and dignity that I can't help but be inspired.

Today, after writing my previous post, I read her blog to catch up from where I left off before my mini vacation and I cried. I cried because in her writing I see some of the challenges that I face but in her reactions I see the way things could be. She has such a wonderful approach to her weight loss. She's determined but she's human. She's not so perfect that I can't relate but she's smart and resourceful - it makes it very easy for me to identify with her. Now if only I can be as smart about my current dilemma as she is.

Anyway, Tia has started a 30 day of good nutrition and exercise goal. I've blown the first few days but I am going to join her for the remainder of the month. Maybe doing this with someone who is in the same boat as me will help me get things back on track. My accountability will happen here. I will post daily - even if just a few lines since work is keeping me exceptionally busy. I will weigh myself and at the end of the month, on the 30th, I will take my 14 month photos.

Thanks Tia. I don't think you realize what impact you have when you write but you have certainly touched me. Thank you

No photo's no official weight

2008-01-02T10:48:00.000-05:00

13 months have come and gone. I didn't take photo's and I didn't go in for an official weigh in.

Why?

Well, my weight hasn't moved at all. I weigh the same today as I did a month ago. Two months ago. I don't look any different than I did a month ago so I have officially slipped into a state of apathy. It's the why bother phase.

Now, did I expect to lose weight? The answer is no. So it's not a matter of being disappointed. I have for all intents and purposes been eating like crap. I have consumed more sugar and carbs in the last month than I have in the last year combined. I have eaten jelly belly's until I dreamed about them in my sleep. I have consumer more chocolate than I did when I was super fat.

The good news is that I did not put on weight. The bad news is that I can eat a lot of this crap with fairly few consequences. The worse news is that I made these choices which tells me that my head is no where near where it needs to be. I am abusing this gift called the DS - testing limits that need not be tested. I am falling very easily into habits that made me super morbidly obese. Crap - this is not what I want for myself but I am having trouble reigning it back in. I am struggling kicking the sugar slut out of my life.

What is it that makes an intelligent woman make these choices? I know it's not the ghrenlin - that was taken care of when a large chunk of my stomach was cut away. Logically I come to the conclusion that it's all head stuff. I think I need help. Time to look into get me some counseling before I screw this one up completely. I've worked too hard to now undo it all. I seem to have this failure button that gets pressed every time I get too close to success. A button that I press myself. I remember reading someones blog that mentioned train wrecks, and how hard it was to look away. Well, I'm beginning to think I was the train wreck waiting to happen but didn't have the foresight to see it at the time. Crap.

Anyway - I will be reaching out for help. I'm not sure what's out there but a journey starts with the first step right? Time to call my employee assistance program.

Stuck in Boston

2007-12-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

I just had one of the most difficult calls that I've ever had to deal with. Ms. 8 on the phone just devastated that I would not be coming home tonight. She was truly inconsolable. It was heart wrenching. I felt so incredibly helpless.

Stupid weather. Stupid canceled flights. Stupid me for wanting to do the right thing by my team. Well, maybe not stupid me. It was the right thing to do but at that moment I didn't feel too good about it.

Tomorrow is that last day of school before the Christmas break. She wanted to show me the float she had worked so hard to create. She was counting on me to drive her to school with all the stuff that she would need for her special celebratory day. She needed me there. And I'm not there.

I guess we can all remember a time when our parents let us down - this will be her first true memory. One that hurt enough to last. Sigh...